NorweiganWood

For the past few months I've started drinking again and no one in my family knew about it. Last night, my mother found out and she is very angry with me, as is the rest of my family and I'm feeling very alone, lost, and anxious about my life right now.

Here is a little backstory: I have always been precocious, I graduated high school early and went to a great university where my alcoholism began. For the past three years I've abused a number of substances, my grades have been terrible, and I've been plagued with depression and anxiety. This past summer, I transfered to a new University and went to rehab. My grades were perfect again and life seemed like it was going so well,so naturally, I began to think I could start drinking again about 6months into my sobriety.

What I've noticed since I began drinking again is that I've become very type-A and a miserable perfectionist, and alcohol is my safe haven from the pressure I put on myself to do everything correctly. Additionally, when I transfered to my new university, I had no friends, I was pretty distant from my family and I still am. Essentially, I've been dealing with my alcoholism alone and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it.

I just need help, I'm at a breaking point. My family is angry with me and can no longer trust me. I don't have friends. I'm constantly anxious and I don't know what to do, other than cry.

Valll

Dear NorweiganWood (great name btw),

the thing that crys out to me from your post is that you feel as though you are under a lot of pressure, (please correct me if I am wrong).

It is so difficult to find your way as a young adult - is there anything you could do to help relieve the pressure that you feel?

Take care
Valx

trailrunrbyday

Have you looked at support programs - AA or those within the school for support? I had too reintroduced alcohol when things were going well(without) and I felt *ready*. I proceeded to almost completely ruin my life - came close to losing my husband, distanced myself from friends and was driving my career into the ground. I am only 2 weeks in but my motivation this time is a pain and desperation deep within my soul to do this to save my own life - a realization that I can NOT drink and I CANNOT drink period.

Reach out for any means of support and do not dwell on what has happened but focus on what you can do from hour to hour to stay sober and be supported. Come to SR, find meetings - I am new and have very limited knowledge/experience to pass on but I can tell you that I cannot live with the pain I cause myself and others and this is the motivation to take every little ounce of help I can find and cling to it with a vengeance.

NorweiganWood

Thanks for the replies. I think I need to start talking to someone, maybe a therapist on a weekly basis because the stress of being an alcoholic, the alienation from my family, and school is ruining me. I can't keep things to myself anymore...

trailrunrbyday

that sounds like a great idea NW - I would also build on people/places to go to in the moment you need it. I went to meetings and connected with people that understand - other alcoholics and ultimately a sponsor as well that I literally dial on a moment's notice just because i need them in the moment. I also come here as another option for support. build your army.

bigsombrero

Chiming in on the therapy thing - I found an addiction therapist and/or psychiatrist to be helpful. I don't go to AA and it doesn't work for me, but instead of ditching the support system all together I found that this works okay. It's so nice to be able to just TALK TO SOMEONE and explain your decision making processes. It helps a lot to be able to get affirmation on your positive thinking and new coping skills for the thinking you need help with. Help is out there, don't be afraid to try it out again. You can beat this!

2granddaughters

I go to AA and it does work for me... when nothing else would. And it's worked for decades.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Welcome to SR NorwegianWood
You'll find a lot of help and support here

D

RickHillJr

Dear NW,
My name is Rick. I have been a recovering alcoholic/addict for 16+years now with continual sobriety. I found that going to an Alcoholics Anonymous and or Narcotics Anonymous regularly to be the only thing that relieves that feeling of loneliness and feelings of uselessness as well as the fear of life and all of its nuances. I feel whole and the best thing is I like ME finally after planting my butt in a seat at a meeting over and over and I found that spirituality that I had always heard others speak of...I would hope hat maybe sharing a little of how I do life and some of the promises that were promised to me do come true with some diligence and surrender.
Please don't beat on yourself too much for doing what we naturally do. We drink and do drugs to avoid feeling,or eliminate fears. If you need to talk PM me and I'll respond.
Rick

NorweiganWood

Thanks for all the replies everyone.... does anyone have any tips on how to deal with my family?

Johno1967

You probably need to come clean with your family. Obviously we don't know them, if they are strict and distant. I'm guessing your Mum is angry and your family is upset because they love you and want you to do well and see your behavior as self destructive and against everything they have tried to teach you. Remember, they are still your family and that can never change. One of the steps in AA is to list those people we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. It may be because your family wants you to wake up and grow up and stop throwing your life away. Its hard to know. What I do know is take a "hard look at yourself in the mirror", make a commitment to change. Approach your family and talk it over. Don't make excuses just tell them you are sorry where you have hurt them and you will try to change for the better. Tell them you know you have a problem and need their help and support to stop drinking. I will be very surprised if they turn you away. Just be honest.
Re your grades. If the University is starting to scrutinize your performance and your studies are under threat, check in with a student counselor to talk it over and mediate with your head of department. Book an appointment with a Doctor and get a certificate to back your condition and a referral to a psychologist. Most people will want to help once you admit to yourself you have an alcohol problem and possibly depression in the mix. Go to an AA meeting. You need to take charge as a young adult.

pluginjug

Find some young people in AA if you can. I went to AA when I was 21 and they were my lifeline.

Part of sobriety is learning how not to be a perfectionist and placing so much pressure on yourself. You can overcome drinking and perfectionism. I know the term perfectionist is used loosely a lot, but it can be extremely debilitating. Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.

Amelia99

What to do regarding your family is very personal to you but I will share my experience in case there's something you can relate to. In my case, it helped to increase the level of communication I had with them. I tended to distance myself from my parents and communicated with them very irregularly, ignoring their calls and not returning them for days or sometimes weeks. I thought I was protecting myself from a stressful conversation but all it did was increase their anxiety and make the time I did spend speaking to them even more stressful and anxiety-inducing for me. In the end, keeping them informed as to how I was feeling and what I was going through - or even just touching base for idle chit chat - helped increase their understanding and was the starting point for building a solid relationship, thus lowering my anxiety and giving me a place to turn when I was upset. Hope this helps, even a little. Welcome, and we're here for anything you need.

robgt350

college is where my alcoholism started. i think the only way i made it through calculus and physics is with alcohol. i actually had a professor tell us on day before finals that "have a small glass of wine" to lighten us up. i tired it before tests walking to class, and it did.
so i can relate to it.

birdistheword

Hi NorwegianWood

A relapse is just a bump in the road and I feel your pain. Do what works best for you to remain sober, but don't let a relapse pull you down.

I too used alcohol to self medicate which led me to becoming dependent. The hardest part was admitting to myself that I was hooked. Once I got to that point I was able to start the recovery process and I'm now on Lexapro to help with my anxiety.

I chose a no AA approach but that's only because it's just not for me. If you feel alone AA or SmartRecovery would be a great choice. Lots of people have great experiences with AA and I still think they do great work, but for me it's counterproductive since I have Aspergers Syndrome and can't stand being around groups of people. Anything that works is good IMO and there are many options. For me it's therapy, Naltrexone and this forum

You know deep inside that you need to do something and now is the time to think of something that will work for you. It will be much easier when it comes from within you rather than somebody else.

I tried many things before I finally found what makes me feel better. This will take time and we will all get there as long as we keep trying.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help or if you just need to talk.

Peace

NorweiganWood

Yeah, I remember I went to a huge party school and my freshman orientation (I was 16) is when it all started with a game of beer pong. College is unfortunate that way...

NorweiganWood

Also, thanks for all the replies everyone. I went to my first AA meeting in about a year today. I realize I made a mistake, but I think I'm now ready to get sober the right way and actually deal with my alcoholism instead of ignoring it.

The only thing that will be stressful in the next couple of weeks is the wrath of my family...

kthopkt

Your story sounds so similar to what I went through. At least you are aware of the problem; I believe your awareness is a good sign. I never pinpointed alcohol as my problem; it was always something else. Eventually things got so bad I got kicked out of college.

I believe you need to search for help; whether it is aa meetings or therapist, ect. The pressure of doing well can create a great deal of anxiety. Now, years later in my sobriety, I find that exercise is my outlet for stress & depression.

Best of luck to you.