memiselfniok

Hello
I am 21 months sober and overall, feeling ok. However, my last "relationship" was with a man who is still active. I have tried to move on (with another man) but since I am not drinking, it felt empty so I stopped the new romance.

My lover now comes over once per week for an hour or maybe less. At first, he was very sullen and non-supportive. I stopped seeing him due to his attitude and now, he is very encouraging, saying he is proud of me and telling me I have come very far.

I found out he had a son (7 y.o) because my son, who is 18, saw him in the mall with the child. We were definitely off and on during the time he conceived this child but why do I feel so sad that he did not tell me? He claims he found out last July but I do not believe him.

He also just lost his grandmother, who was like a mother to him. He called me last week crying because he knew she was about to die and I consoled him and suggested he seek God, because He was the only one who could help me get out of the insanity of my life.

Now, I have not heard from him in over a week and I am losing it. Angry, crying and feeling desperate. My therapist explained I may be holding on to him because he is my last connection to my old life. It makes sense, because I do not have contact with any of my using friends from my past..he is the last one.

Please help. I am not thinking drink but am obsessing over this situation. The only thing I have not done is go to his house. His house is where I relapsed the last time and have not been there in 21 months.

janiebluebird

I recently (about 3 months ago) parted way with my ex and best friend, who I used to drink heavily with on the weekends. I tried dating other people, as my ex moved on rather quickly, and I wasn’t feeling it with anyone since/felt like I was forcing it. The best advice that I can give you is to put so much effort & improvement into yourself that you don’t have so much time to pine over what your ex is doing. And don’t worry about seeking out a new relationship, let that happen on its own…and it will. I am still going through the peaks and valleys of losing someone I cared about and feeling hurt by the way thing were handled, I think thats normal, its the grieving process. You have to let yourself go through the phases and feel your feelings. Accept that it is over - the worst thing to do it fight against what is. You might not realize it now, but its most likely for the better. I remind myself of this, that I wouldn’t be making as my progress on myself if I was still being held back by that relationship. God has a plan for you - believe it. In the meantime, get into the gym, center yourself, get some self development books, and continue making yourself better.

Please do not go to his house. Keep your dignity and walk away.

memiselfniok

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I was at a group anniversary, right up the street from his house and did not have the urge to go there. It was not a good place for me when I was using and it sure would not be a good place now. It will work out and knowing I am not alone does help. I truly know recovery is a blessing but it does require work.

pluginjug

Relationships are one of the hardest things, if not the hardest things in life to cope with in sobriety. I'm not a relationship expert, but I can say the emotional roller coaster will pass ... whether it works out the way you want or not.

The trouble is when we're in relationships, we sometimes mistakenly believe we should be able to control the other person. This, in my view, is misguided. They're another person and totally beyond our control (as is most things in life). Accept the fact you can't control the situation and do all you can to let go of outcomes. It's certainly not easy, but it will help you cope with the situation.