trailrunrbyday

Hello All,

It's been months since i was here. I started drinking again. Long story short this time my motivation to stop is to end the Pain. The pain I feel, the pain I cause. My husband was leaving me last weekend - I hit my bottom this time and openly breaking down and crying on my knees in an airport just over a week ago which my husband made plans to leave me, I realized I needed to stop the pain one way or another and the choices to end it were - to end my life immediately - a certain death from the drink(directly or indirectly) and absolute loss of my marriage or stop drinking. Completely and forever. Then. I literally threw out a bottle of liquor at the airport that had been in my purse to down before the flight and cried for hours and hours while I reached out to every person I knew that could help me through each of the next several hours.

That was last Sunday. Today is Monday and my last drink was 9 nights ago. For the most part it has been really good. My husband stayed. He is at work tonight and I am really really struggling minute to minute for the first time in over a week.

I'm not sure I'm making it through tonight.
Please give me the next hour and the one after that.
Give me the next minute.

Veritas1

We are here for you.

Are you still going to meetings?

Have you talked with your sponsor lately?

Read your big book tonight. The 12 and 12 step one might be helpful as well.

bigsombrero

Well, looks like you got the first step right. Keep your mind focused on healing, I always would think about how much my body and brain needed to heal themselves from all the toxicity of alcohol. Try and relax, maybe a few deep breaths,

kizzie

You can make it through. Step back from that anxiety, that agony, that voice that seems to be commanding you to drink tonight. Think about why you stopped 9 days ago, and the inevitable consequence of 'one more' drink. If you have made any contacts at an AA meeting, call them. Watch a movie, read a book. Just don't drink tonight, and face tomorrow with a clear conscience and a clear head. Then, make your plan for recovery. Big hugs.

Dee74

welcome back trailrunrbyday

I'm sorry for what bought you back, but I really believe if we keep doing the next right thing we can stay sober - and if we stay sober, we can build (and even rebuild) the kind of lives we deserve.

If you want to stay sober, then go for it - let nothing stand in your way - you'll be ok

D

CBR

Stay on line all night if you have too. That's how I got through my early Nites. Get in a chat room right away. The night is almost over and tomorrow will be beautiful if you don't give in. Nothing is worth the pain you will feel if you don't stay sober. You did it before. You can do it again! It will be worth it. I will be praying for you tonite. Promise hugs Cathy.

trailrunrbyday

going to a meeting tomorrow and have communicated with my sponsor tonight. love her.

Veritas1

That's awesome.

Upon awakening...go to page 86.

peanut44

I'm 9 days today too!!

You're not alone!!!

You can do it!!!!

Hope4Life

We are all pulling for you to save your marraige. Just dont pick up for the next minute or the next hour and add another day to your string of days.

Congratulations on your decision to try again, YOU CAN DO THIS!

paul99

Welcome back

lightfollower

I have full faith in you. You can do this. It helps me to think of the things I want and hold onto them for dear life knowing that they won't come if I don't let go of the alcohol. I also think of how I'm disappointing everyone each time I pick up that bottle. My husband deserves a beautiful, healthy woman and I want to be that for him and myself. We can both do this. Your not alone.

trailrunrbyday

Thank you all so much. He works away 4 days at a time and due to the wreck I have created he is really struggling with his thoughts while away from me. If I wasn't sure it would absolutely be the end of my marriage - my most treasured friendship and my beautiful family (we have a 9 year old son) I know I wouldn't have made it through last night and I pray it will help me get through tonight. I couldn't find a sitter for tonight and my husband had a *hard day*. He is now working all night. I'm working through hour by hour right now.

It's so hard to sit here and let my sober self think about all of the things that have happened that I so completely don't understand.

I know that ME...ME... *I* am such a good person and I am trying to understand how I could have lied or avoided truths to hide my drinking. I have stayed at work late just so I can lock the door and sink into the comfort and numb of the drink. I have persued friendships and sought the attention of men just to try to feel good about myself because I hated who I knew I was soooo much i needed a stranger to tell me what I looked like professionally, physically, my personality from the perspective of an outsider who doesn't know the ugly truth of the drunk. (My husband loves me so incredibly much and I KNEW that but I also saw how he looked at me when I was drunk....I felt the physical repulsion and distance as he pulled away from me as I collapsed into bed...he SAW what I wanted NOBODY to see and I could hardly believe he still loved me). Why did I seek attention and why did I carry it on when I was sober?????? I didn't have an affair per se...but I knew that I was keeping up what was more than polite conversations - there was a need for me to feel good about myself and I can only think it was because i hated myself so so much.

Now I am just rambling. I need to see someone because I don't know how to explain this to my husband and he wants to know. i don't know. I cannot believe I have done these things. I produced a garbage bag full of bottles I had hidden. He started to believe how bad it was then. I think he is afraid that the actions I have exhibited is the person I am. I KNOW that is not me...how could it be???? I don't know that person. I am so confused and sad and sober LOL.
The sober part feels good but also painfully exposed and scarred.