Tired of fighting myself
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Tired of fighting myself
When I drank, I fought so hard to get sober. I've been sober 13 months & I feel like I'm fighting to not drink. I'm good for a few days, then the Beast starts again.
My husband drinks daily but not bingeing but my resentment is building. I ask God for grace to forgive but I am selfish.
My alcoholic self wants what it wants.
It has worn me down to almost giving in. Giving up but I can't. It's so depressing.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
Arghhh!
My husband drinks daily but not bingeing but my resentment is building. I ask God for grace to forgive but I am selfish.
My alcoholic self wants what it wants.
It has worn me down to almost giving in. Giving up but I can't. It's so depressing.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
Arghhh!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Purplecatlover 
When I drank, I fought so hard to get sober. I've been sober 13 months & I feel like I'm fighting to not drink. I'm good for a few days, then the Beast starts again.
My husband drinks daily but not bingeing but my resentment is building. I ask God for grace to forgive but I am selfish.
My alcoholic self wants what it wants.
It has worn me down to almost giving in. Giving up but I can't. It's so depressing.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
Arghhh!
My husband drinks daily but not bingeing but my resentment is building. I ask God for grace to forgive but I am selfish.
My alcoholic self wants what it wants.
It has worn me down to almost giving in. Giving up but I can't. It's so depressing.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
Arghhh!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Guyver
You are who you decide to be, and no addiction in existance can take that from you once you make up your mind.
My husband drinks daily
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
PCL - maybe you should try to re-strengthen your resolve in any ways that you see fit, whether it be to attend meetings, read a book on the subject of recovery (I'm reading "A Drinking Life currently), watching a documentary about alcoholism - someone recently posted one from Nat Geo, or even contemplating what brought you to sobriety in the first place. Its always good to keep our minds fresh with reasons to stay sober.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
PCL my thoughts are with you, I hope you can resolve this in a positive way.
I have had to learn about emotions and what they are for and indicate to me. Have you got someone you can go over the issues with?
As for the idea that you are missing out- its a lie- revisit what alcohol actually brought you , not what it promised
I have had to learn about emotions and what they are for and indicate to me. Have you got someone you can go over the issues with?
As for the idea that you are missing out- its a lie- revisit what alcohol actually brought you , not what it promised
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
In AA I was told to stop fighting. Surrender. Alcohol is stronger than you. It is stronger than me too. Out of this surrender process comes a strange strength. This is one of AA's paradoxes.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 57
Thirteen months is awesome! I'm coming up on five months and it's still a daily struggle but I know the alternative would be worse. I dreamed that I relapsed last night and was so relieved to wake up and realise it was just a dream. Don't go back to day one. Please stay strong. Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Just a question here. Have you told your husband that his daily drinking is getting you down? If this is causing you resentment its time to step up. You have 13 months behind you and that is an incredible effort. Don't let this (resentment) ruin it.
You quote the serenity prayer sort of but the words are to get serenity to accept what you cannot change and courage to change the things you can. You can't change a lot but you can have a go at this. Remember, courage is nothing more than resolve against fear.
I know that beast you speak of. Its a horrible looking thing with red eyes and sharp teeth locked in a cell somewhere in my gut. Some days it howls and bangs against the bars screaming to be let out. Other days it talks to me with great empathy and sweetness coaxing me to let it out, just for a bit, it'll be good. Some days its quiet, but I know its there, my addiction, my inner demon. My HP put it there when I turned it over but the jokes on me because guess what, he left the key in my hands and called it free will. I just have to ignore the racket, the pleading and exorcist style pantomime coming from that cage and one day it'll get so old and withered I'll mostly not have to think about it.
Don't let the beast out.
You quote the serenity prayer sort of but the words are to get serenity to accept what you cannot change and courage to change the things you can. You can't change a lot but you can have a go at this. Remember, courage is nothing more than resolve against fear.
I know that beast you speak of. Its a horrible looking thing with red eyes and sharp teeth locked in a cell somewhere in my gut. Some days it howls and bangs against the bars screaming to be let out. Other days it talks to me with great empathy and sweetness coaxing me to let it out, just for a bit, it'll be good. Some days its quiet, but I know its there, my addiction, my inner demon. My HP put it there when I turned it over but the jokes on me because guess what, he left the key in my hands and called it free will. I just have to ignore the racket, the pleading and exorcist style pantomime coming from that cage and one day it'll get so old and withered I'll mostly not have to think about it.
Don't let the beast out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Thanks guys. I do need to see a counselor... I lost my job 4 months ago & have no one to talk to.
Soberlicious, the hubby is a lot of my issue. He is an alcoholic but can't admit it b/c he CAN stop.... I feel like I've worked so hard to better myself in so many ways besides drinking & he just keeps on like always, the distance ever growing.
In a childish fit, I want to lash back & drink to remind him how it used to be BUT that would only punish both of us & our child.
We deserve better so I have to separate myself from him& focus on me.
Thanks for the wise words & encouragement. I will look into the Caroline knapp book.
I will get through this like every other mountain in my lifetime. I'm not a quitter.
Pure Poison, I'm super proud of you, 5 months is great. I remember your first posts.... Life is much better without alcohell
Soberlicious, the hubby is a lot of my issue. He is an alcoholic but can't admit it b/c he CAN stop.... I feel like I've worked so hard to better myself in so many ways besides drinking & he just keeps on like always, the distance ever growing.
In a childish fit, I want to lash back & drink to remind him how it used to be BUT that would only punish both of us & our child.
We deserve better so I have to separate myself from him& focus on me.
Thanks for the wise words & encouragement. I will look into the Caroline knapp book.
I will get through this like every other mountain in my lifetime. I'm not a quitter.
Pure Poison, I'm super proud of you, 5 months is great. I remember your first posts.... Life is much better without alcohell
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Purplecatlover
It has worn me down to almost giving in. Giving up but I can't. It's so depressing.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
I guess I have to accept What I am. What my husband is & is not.
There is no easy way for anything.
Not only is the spiritual awakening the most comfortable way to stay sober, it is the most reliable way to stay sober. It is the also the most enjoyable way to stay sober and a way of life that works under rough going. It feels like the obsession has been lifted by some higher power. A power greater than alcohol ever was. So where is that spiritual awakening to be found?
"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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Originally Posted by purplecatlover
We deserve better so I have to separate myself from him& focus on me.
Hang in. You're doing great.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
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Soberlicious , you are so right. I forgot about that chapter about Beasts uniting. I will brush the dust off & re-read RR. Get my head back in the game.
Johno, Yes, I have told him, his drinking bothers me, makes me want to drink, etc. He makes attempts to stop for awhile but goes right back. And each time it seems worse...kindling effect.
Johno, Yes, I have told him, his drinking bothers me, makes me want to drink, etc. He makes attempts to stop for awhile but goes right back. And each time it seems worse...kindling effect.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Its amazing isn't it? We all want to live healthy happy lives and once in a while we actually make a decision and take action that will help us get there. We would want to believe that everyone close to us would support us every step of the way because its a selfless change that has as much benefit for them as it has for us. Making the moral, physical, mental and spiritual leap from being a wet alcoholic to a dry one is as great a sweeping change as a person can make. It changes everything, unfortunately part of the challenge is lack of support from those closest near us. I guess that is what makes AA and similar groups so special, you form a network of people in similar situations, they understand you and by being together you gain strength from the group. You also see the world with very different eyes.
Where a mutual love of alcohol may have been something between you and your partner, now he drinks and you don't and you are now feeling the consequences of that. Is there any chance you could get him to an AA meeting? Sounds like he wants to stop but can't. Therefore likely alcoholic and as a result powerless over the addiction.
There is a movie called "Smashed" released late last year in the states about a couple in similar circumstances. Reviews rave about it.
You have a lot of strength, each day grow stronger.
Where a mutual love of alcohol may have been something between you and your partner, now he drinks and you don't and you are now feeling the consequences of that. Is there any chance you could get him to an AA meeting? Sounds like he wants to stop but can't. Therefore likely alcoholic and as a result powerless over the addiction.
There is a movie called "Smashed" released late last year in the states about a couple in similar circumstances. Reviews rave about it.
You have a lot of strength, each day grow stronger.
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Thanks, Johno. SR is a great place to share my struggles.
Janie, I got Drinking A Love Story on my Kindle last night, read 2 chapters. So far LOVE IT. Thanks!!!!
Feeling better. This is my journey. My life.
I can do this regardless of obstacles. My addiction just wants to point out the cracks, well I don't have to look. I don't have to entertain any thoughts I don't want to.
I have my emotions, they DO NOT have me.
With that, I add another day to my awesome sobriety.
Janie, I got Drinking A Love Story on my Kindle last night, read 2 chapters. So far LOVE IT. Thanks!!!!
Feeling better. This is my journey. My life.
I can do this regardless of obstacles. My addiction just wants to point out the cracks, well I don't have to look. I don't have to entertain any thoughts I don't want to.
I have my emotions, they DO NOT have me.
With that, I add another day to my awesome sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Could you make that "purpleandPINKcatlover"
It would really make my day! LOL!
We alcoholics are a selfish bunch while still drinking. Your husband wants what he wants even if it is hurting you. It is like they have blinders on to the needs of others, they come first. Wish I knew what to tell you, but if love is still there it is a tough call.
Know this your sobriety trumps his alcoholism, and whatever it takes YOU have to come first. You have come too far to throw it all away to prove a point. You are stronger and better than that.
A counselor would be good, someone to lean on , someone who understands your side of the issue.
Stay strong/ Stay sober
TrixMixer
It would really make my day! LOL!
We alcoholics are a selfish bunch while still drinking. Your husband wants what he wants even if it is hurting you. It is like they have blinders on to the needs of others, they come first. Wish I knew what to tell you, but if love is still there it is a tough call.
Know this your sobriety trumps his alcoholism, and whatever it takes YOU have to come first. You have come too far to throw it all away to prove a point. You are stronger and better than that.
A counselor would be good, someone to lean on , someone who understands your side of the issue.
Stay strong/ Stay sober
TrixMixer
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
PurpleCatLover, of course you are tired of fighting yourself. It gets exhausting, and the fact that you have been victorious over yourself for this long is fantastic.
See if considering things in this way can help you:
Since you have decided you have quit drinking, then the urge to drink is not really 'you', but just the remnants of your addiction. 'You' know better. In this way, you are no longer fighting yourself (how can you possibly win?), but fighting thoughts of drinking instead.
Assign the thoughts of drinking to the beast of addiction, and then the thoughts of drinking become your Alcoholic Voice. Recognize that thoughts of drinking again are just thoughts, and they have no power to make you do anything. You are in charge of your actions.
When a thought of drinking pops in, be aware of it for what it is. It is your drive for a buzz and no more. Nothing bad will happen when you tell 'it' you will not drink anymore, and you aren't changing your mind no matter what. In fact as you know already, good things happen instead. You get to be you, PurpleCatLover, and all that means.
Believe you can do this, and you shall. It is a relief to be finally released, and that will happen when you decide to never drink again.
Onward!
See if considering things in this way can help you:
Since you have decided you have quit drinking, then the urge to drink is not really 'you', but just the remnants of your addiction. 'You' know better. In this way, you are no longer fighting yourself (how can you possibly win?), but fighting thoughts of drinking instead.
Assign the thoughts of drinking to the beast of addiction, and then the thoughts of drinking become your Alcoholic Voice. Recognize that thoughts of drinking again are just thoughts, and they have no power to make you do anything. You are in charge of your actions.
When a thought of drinking pops in, be aware of it for what it is. It is your drive for a buzz and no more. Nothing bad will happen when you tell 'it' you will not drink anymore, and you aren't changing your mind no matter what. In fact as you know already, good things happen instead. You get to be you, PurpleCatLover, and all that means.
Believe you can do this, and you shall. It is a relief to be finally released, and that will happen when you decide to never drink again.
Onward!
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Thanks Fresh Start. I have read RR & made my BP last year. I guess the AV had gotten so quiet I forgot how loud & pushy he can be.
I got complacent & needed to refresh my memory.
He's a sneaky $&@. And very patient.
I'm good now. He's been put in his place & I will not give in EVER. And nothing will ever change my mind.
I feel great now. Simple as that.
I got complacent & needed to refresh my memory.
He's a sneaky $&@. And very patient.
I'm good now. He's been put in his place & I will not give in EVER. And nothing will ever change my mind.
I feel great now. Simple as that.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Wow! That was quick! And lovely, too, simply lovely.
We can so easily get picked up and swept away with the urges from our addictive selves that the level of panic rises and the ability to reason just gets blown away. The chatter gets louder and louder with the sirens added and the yelling and arguing and pushing and shoving until...
Until we can take a moment to become aware of what is happening, until we can step back from the scrum and just observe. When we can do that, things seem so simple once again. It's just a drink, we don't drink any more, and we won't change our mind.
Awesome, PPC. Well done.
We can so easily get picked up and swept away with the urges from our addictive selves that the level of panic rises and the ability to reason just gets blown away. The chatter gets louder and louder with the sirens added and the yelling and arguing and pushing and shoving until...
Until we can take a moment to become aware of what is happening, until we can step back from the scrum and just observe. When we can do that, things seem so simple once again. It's just a drink, we don't drink any more, and we won't change our mind.
Awesome, PPC. Well done.
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
Hi Purplecatlover
My hubby was my old drinking partner. I have been sober for 6 months. At first his continuous heavy drinking really made it hard. The battle was soooo tiring. I mean still is. Because my choice of alcohol is still in the house my AV likes to chat with me daily. Sometimes it yells at me. I can imagine how tired you must be with 15 months of fighting.
My kid keep me focused now , when they are not driving me nuts SR chat has saved me numerous times. I also really enjoyed the Caroline Knapp book . Good luck putting it down
So sorry I haven't got advice just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your daily battle to stay sober while living with an AH.
Stay strong
Jodie
My hubby was my old drinking partner. I have been sober for 6 months. At first his continuous heavy drinking really made it hard. The battle was soooo tiring. I mean still is. Because my choice of alcohol is still in the house my AV likes to chat with me daily. Sometimes it yells at me. I can imagine how tired you must be with 15 months of fighting.
My kid keep me focused now , when they are not driving me nuts
SR chat has saved me numerous times. I also really enjoyed the Caroline Knapp book . Good luck putting it down So sorry I haven't got advice just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your daily battle to stay sober while living with an AH.
Stay strong
Jodie
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