Wishful78

I am in a position now that I think I am about to lose my wife. I the other side of all of this I want to change but I know she is done and she can't deal with me anymore. I joined on here a year ago. I then stopped drinking for 3 months felt good and decided to try again. Ever since has been the se rollercoaster that led me here. I am someone who can tend to be a weekend warrior and and I will choose a night to get drunk and that night will usually en a blur and I will disapoint my wife then I don't drink for weeks and somehow I edge back in and mess up again. So she's done. But I feel like I will be lost without her. 15 years we have been together 7 married. I don't know what to do. I have tried AA and would be open again but it didnt feel rite. I just feel so alone. And I am a touring musician out on tour now just got off stage. Their is booze everywhere all the time. But I believe I can make the change I don't want to lose my marriage

Impurrfect

((Wishful)) - Though I understand you want to save your marriage, I really hope you choose recovery for YOU. I was never able to stay in recovery until I wanted it, for me, more than anything else.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Dee74

Hi wishful78

The best advice I can give you is stop drinking. The second best advice is find support to make that happen.

I have no idea whether it's too late to save your marriage but I know it's not too late to save yourself - and it probably won't hurt your marital chances either

If you really feel AA is not for you, ok - then it's up to you to look into some of the many many alternatives:

here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
In my experience, inaction just leads to more drinking....

It's especially so in the life of a professional muso..

I was one too...if you want to stay in that career you're really gonna have to work your recovery hard, man.

D

ReadyAndAble

Hi, wishful. Welcome to SR.

Dee is one of several musicians here, proving both that you're not alone in what you're facing, and that recovery is nevertheless a very doable choice.

Half the battle is just making that choice. I too considered myself a weekend warrior for a long time; turns out that was just one stage a long, painful slide down.

AA isn't the only option. I'm not in a formal program. I got all the information and support I needed here at SR. Some techniques known as AVRT also helped me a lot (if you want, you can find more about that on SR's Secular Connections threads). Whatever approach you try, give it everything you've got. I know it seems like a big sacrifice, but life is so much more manageable without the booze. And you better believe that goes for relationships, too.

Wishful78

I will look into these options. Thank you guys so much.

freshstart57

Wishful, welcome. I hear your struggles which are similar to what mine were. I am lucky in that I made my call at at time so that I still have my wife and family.

This might be of interest. Take a look, and keep posting. There is support and understanding here for you.

Music

I am a retired navy musician and can identify with what you're saying. I toured a lot, played in clubs, parties, many ceremonies and parades. I haven't played a note since retiring for the very reason you stated above. I didn't want to try to make a living in night clubs and the touring circuit. I was married 15 years when I came to AA and 24 years when I retired. Haven't found it necessary to drink since and I've been retired almost 27 years. So, do the math. AA works if you work it. Point is, I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before I was ready to change. I didn't want to lose my wife and family. I was afraid to drink, and I was afraid not to drink. I guess it boils down to your threshold of fear and pain. Which will hurt more? Losing your wife, or not drinking? Your choice!

Wishful78

Freshstart 57 that was a great read. It was very inspirational. I have to get over that initial fear of saying never again. It's been so many years of so many friends that love to party. A lot of mutual friends that my wife and I have too. And it's almost like she looks to me to realize that just because they want to hang and party doesn't mean I have to. I have made lists of some of the stupidest most embarrassing moments of my life that I can remember at least and though they suck to look at I still have ended up mourning the loss of drinking when I decide to not do it. At the moment I couldn't be further away from it and I have no interest and before this incident I had gone 3 weeks without drinking. But it's like clockwork I decide to let loose the one night and the first couple hours and few drinks are great but because I didn't stop whereof would I am lost. And a great example is I fell directly on my knee and hand the other night off a loading dock. Scraped and bruised pretty damn good. I play guitar for a living and I could have been sent home with a broken hand and had to stop a tour or even worse have some one cover for me which would be the worst. There are still those around me now who are saying why is this such a problem. Your wife is over reacting. It's not like you crash cars or get in fights. my wife has her own problems and she handles things very harshly sometimes but when it comes to drinking and failing I be responsible with it maybe I I just have no defense with her because I know I am wrong. Because it feels wrong. I still can't shake the certain people that are standing besidese saying ahhh man she is being crazy so you got too drunk and fell and blacked out and slept through all her calls next day. It's ******** I am always there for the people I love the only time I haven't been is usually do to alcohol. Sorry for such long posts. Thank you again to everyone who is responding to me. I am looking into links and even though I am on the road I am doing many over phone therapy sessions. She has offered to be somewhat of a sponsor to me at this time and I sure can use it. I guess I just should feel happy that the furthest thing from my mind and least appealing thing to me now is a drink. Frankly it disgusts me

Wishful78

And unfortunately in response to the retiring side that you had mentioned music. I just can't its my whole life. Alcohol is something I can live without music is something I can't. And it's how I have what I have today. I have given my wife a beautiful home and a nice business of her own just playing guitar in a rock band. I wouldn't want to stop that. Even if my wife decides she has had enough of the drinking and how it makes her feel I need to get on without it and still be able to do what I do. I have worked too hard to let it go.

freshstart57

Wishful, if you have made a career of shuttin up and playin yer guitar to the extent that your wife has a nice house and a business, then you already have a whole world of things going for you.

You know how to work. You know how to focus. You know how to persevere even when people tell you that you don't have what it takes and that you will never make it. You know how to reach deep and grab a hold of whatever it is that makes you work. You know how to find that part of you that makes you shine.

This is another chance for you to do the same thing. You can make a vision of yourself, a guitar player that is always on the edge, pushing yourself to always improve. You can find your soul and pour it out onstage or in the studio, every single time you plug in. This is something you cannot do hungover or drunk. That level will always be out of reach.

You can do this, you can succeed at this, you can become who you are meant to be. You deserve this, so demand it and accept nothing less.

Onward!

Dee74

I used to be a professional musician - small time, but music is my life.

I drank so much I lost that career - noone wants a stumbling drunken bass player who not only misses notes, but forgets whole chord changes, who can't keep pace with the song because he's so ill, is sick on stage, and falls off bar stools in the breaks.

I needed to stop. I needed time out to regroup and put some distance between who I was and who I wanted to be.

and then...when I knew that nothing or noone could tempt me to drink again, I went back for a year or so. Never touched a drop, never wanted to, and played 200% better for it.

I stepped away from performing eventually due to other health issues....but I still play. Music is still my life.

There's an amazing array of recovered musicians - Clapton, Alice Cooper, Pete Townshend, Bowie, Elton, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Joe Walsh...the list is incredibly long.

You don't need to give up music - but you will need to be deadly serious about battling your addictive demons.

D

robgt350

hay Bro i was in your shoes, it is hard to stop. trust me i know. pull in all the strength you have to do it.

Wishful78

If there's one thing I've always stuck to is that I don't drink before I play or record or do any work for that matter. I have always stuck to my guns on that one since I was in my early twenties and learned my lesson. Now I just have to get used to the fact that I shouldn't after the work is done. I find even a small hangover lasts at least 2 days lately. I am on Lexapro too so the combination of the amount of booze I can tend to put down and the lexapro probably confuses the **** out of my body and mind and makes me more depressed in hang overs than usual. I always got depressed more the day after the actual hangover too. I never understood that. And that's way before lexapro. It doesn't even matter if it was a good time and I had fun for some reason if there's a hangover there's always a deep depression and self loathing. And as you said freshstart you can't do your best when your loaded or hungover. I have never had a memorable show hungover. I was just happy I got through them. And Dee74 when I quit drinking for 3 months last year I noticed my playing was ten times better and I wrote so much more. And also Dee74 speaking of Joe Walsh he has a new record called Analog man and there's a song on there called One Day at a time and its been a pretty good one to connect with in some of the feelings

jazzfish

I used to play in a band as well. While there are plenty of sober musicians out there, the lower down the fame chain you are the harder it is to control the environment around you. There is also a very long list of musicians who didn't make it. I was at the level of being crammed in a minibus with other musicians and equipment. I had no control over what the others did around me. Add in the boredom of road time and hotel rooms and it was a lethal mix for me. I couldn't find a way to stay sober and sane. It can be a tough life for both families and sobriety.

There are ways to make a living without touring.

Does your wife join you while you are out on tour? She may be getting bored of the lifestyle and is just looking for any issue to force a change. I can't say for your case, but for me, my constant traveling was going to destroy my marriage regardless of my sobriety.

Wishful78

Jazzfish my wife and I have been together through many years of me being on the road. Many years of dating then of being engaged until finally married. Of course it has made for very tough times. But she has also visited me and she has seen a lot of the world with me because of what I do. She has been to Australia, Brazil, Spain just to name a few. And on top of this my career has provided her with a beautiful home and a brand new business that she always dreamed of having. And that business has caused a lot of stress the past few years but I have financially backed her and stayed on the road playing and writing and recording all i can when i am home. I don't even like being on the road all time anymore. Matter of fact I have always had conflict with it. I am a combination of a homebody and a rambler and the combo is always battling internally. I want to go i meed to stay. I guess i just like it when its my choice. And lets face it if a good opportunity or tour comes along its not just my choice I'm in a band and collectively we make decisions to so what will be beat for the unit. At times it has been my reason (or shall I say excuse) to drink. What it comes down to is I don't want to lose my marriage to the tune of her saying its my drinking. I am realizing also though as I've typed all of this. It's not about my wife its about me. I don't want to not know what happened for hours of my night anymore. I am tired of people telling me what happened and me being oblivious tryin to laugh it off like oops. Even when its a great time and I black out and everyone says oh you were hilarious I feel a resentment for being too out there.

Wishful78

And by the way I didn't mean to sound so defensive when I said the places my wife has seen because of my career. Or about the house and her business. I guess it's just frustrating to give so much and feel like dealing with the one big thing i have wrong with me being a person who 9 times out of 10 cant stop drinking she deals with it so harshly now threatening divorce and not talking to me. And being on tour makes me feel stuck because I can't run home and talk to her about it.

jazzfish

That's cool. Some wives adapt really well to the travel and some don't. Mine did for many years, but after 30 countries she had enough, which luckily so had I.

As for the drinking, it had been making me increasingly miserable. That finally became more important than joining the boys for a beer, or being funny, or whatever other story was told. I had lost control, I was miserable, and I needed a change.

jazzfish

No problems, I didn't take it as defensive. Those are real benefits. I feel frustrated because I worked so hard to get where I am and now that I have achieved it, I don't want it anymore. Of course, drinking cut off many other opportunities that came along during that time.

FeelingGreat

Hi Wishful, although a lot of guys say women only think about money, in my experience there are very few women who put it before a strong loving marriage. And if your wife dreads you drinking, then it's going to outweigh almost everything else. She gets her hopes up when you go for a period of sobriety, but she's walking on eggshells, waiting for you to relapse, which you do dutifully. You might think she's being harsh, but it has become that important for her.
Fair or unfair, you will probably lose your wife if you continue on you present course. If your are willing to pay that price then keep on. If not, then find a way to stop. You can discipline yourself enough not to drink before working, and that's a mind-set. Can you extend it to not drinking while living.

Wishful78

Hey Feeling Great I don't want to be on any course that loss of my marriage can be blamed on. I know you are right about my wife's feelings too. It's always driven her crazy and confused her because sometimes I change into what she hates when I drink and sometimes I don't. But the majority of times she has had to feel like I have chosen the drink over her. At those times though I am choosing the drink over everything so its not personal. And jazz fish one of the issues I have started to deal with is after all the work just like you sometimes the excitement isn't there and it's not that I don't want what I've worked for but I miss some juvenile form of excitement I used to have and I find it in makers mark. At least it feels that way at first till embarrassed or blacked out or stumbling then its like ahhh man lost it again. Ahhh it sucks. So confusing. You know what one of my biggest problems is too. When I drink I cannot sleep it acts as caffeine to me. I can't sleep so I want to keep drinking and doing things and then my body finally crashes. Always hated cocaine and have had no interest and stayed away but found myself around a bunch of people doing it through the years because they were the only ones who could stay up with me when I drank. Everyone else passes out.