behindblueyes

I am so mad at myself. I can't seem to stop relapsing. I didn't even want to go out with my friends last night but for some dumb reason I did and ended up blacking out. My last detox was so awful and you'd think I would learn by now that I can't drink like them. My other friend isn't even hungover.

Today I have had a nonstop ringing in my ears and horrible panic. I have benzos but I don't want to take them because they work on the same part of the brain as alcohol. Everything is "fuzzy" and Im so scared. And alone. I just started a new job and Im praying that one night of messing up won't have me shaking at work tomorrow. I can't call off and it's a stressful place with a lot of walking.

What do I need to do differently? I forced myself back into a full time job so I wouldn't be tempted to go out since my hangovers last for days. I can't keep living like this. How did you all stay quit? I have horrible paranoia right now too and am jumping at every noise. Advice?

Dee74

what have you tried so far BBE?

D

bigsombrero

Do you drink alone too? Or is this something that happens once a week when you go out? Either way it sounds pretty tough to put yourself through that.

behindblueyes

I used to drink alone but don't anymore. If I drink alone I somehow lose track of how many I have had and just keep going.

I have tried AA meetings and for some reason I don't know why but they don't work for me. I have been in trouble with the law, almost died from alcohol, I have a DUI, have been in the hospital for horrible detoxes where I hallucinated. I just don't know why I can't quit. I always tell myself well I will just have one or two but last night they were giving out free drinks to ladies and it got ugly. Right now I am shaking and trying to drink water and have some confusion going on. I just want it to stop. I have to get serious about this before it kills me!

behindblueyes

Whats strange is sometimes I can go out and have 2 or 3 and Im fine. Other times I end up like this. It's not worth it. I know I got sick last night and I feel disoriented today which is scaring me. I have a panic disorder already and detoxing is horrible with panic attacks one after another.

Dee74

Maybe some of the other groups here will me more to your liking BBE?

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

BennyHill

BBE,

Stop kicking yourself, but try writing down in a journal EVERYTHING you are feeling in this state. Keep it with you at all times. Refer to it when you feel like you "can handle just two or three".
I know this is difficult, but staying sober can be done, and you can do it, too.

Stay busy, as busy as you can. Not with stressful things, but just things in general.
Stay on the bloody computer when you are not working, this site is a good place to be!

I hope you feel better and get sober. You CAN do it!

BH

Fallow

Its the first drink that gets me drunk.

BruceJ

Someone once said that when you get run over by a train, it's not the caboose that kills you.
As noted above, it's a good idea to write this stuff down while you are experiencing it. Alcoholism has a nasty way of having us forget the shakes, the panic attacks, and the anxiety once we give it a little time.
Eat something healthy, if you can, and drink lots of water.

All the best.

behindblueyes

I am beating myself up because I know better. I laid up last night and counted the minutes on the clock before I had to get up for work. When I slept it was hallucination-type sleep. I got up early and called off. I didn't feel normal enough to drive. I am not shaking like last time just a very loud ringing in the ears. I feel like writing is taking all my energy and that I have the flu. Thanks for the advice. I can't believe your brain "forgets" what this is like. My whole family drinks and I have never seen them like this. Tomorrow has to be better for day 3.

bbthumper

Have you tried to get involved with the program? ie steps, sponsor, homegroup. Meetings are helpful, but they won't keep an alcoholic sober. Ive been sober for close to 5 years thanks to the program. I can honestly say that, had I only attended meetings and not gotten involved in step work, I would not be sober today. Many people dismiss AA because they have gone to meetings and feel that they have tried it when they havent even looked at the steps which are the program. Not trying to push AA on you, I just know that for recovered alcoholics in AA, the meetings alone were not enough to get the job done.

Hope you get the help you need.
Best wishes!

behindblueyes

There is one meeting a week here in town. My anxiety and panic attacks were so bad at the meeting I had to leave once in the middle and would sneak benzos. I have a serious case of PTSD and social anxiety. I usually don't keep jobs long.

bbthumper

Have you considered in-patient treatment?

behindblueyes

I am currently working 40+ hour weeks at a brand new job and raising a daughter full time. I have tried out patient and have zero insurance. The job would never keep me and I would lose my child. I have been sober four days. I just need to shut the voice to drink permanently off.

Grymt

'Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other
affiliation.' - and you don't have to tell anyone.
BigBook's online here: Big Book On Line
SR is here. Lot's of ways are here.
If it works work it.
Every step forward you take (including agonising about a backward step), including whatever stops you from taking a step backwards, will lead towards what you want.

tomsteve

i tried AA meetings and they didnt help me either. then i did meetings and worked the steps as outlined in the big book. been workin pretty good for a few 24hrs.
anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD are pretty common with quite a few people i have met in AA( during early recovery). the program has helped us all with those problems. its pretty awsome to be able to look the world in the face and not be having anxiety and panic( fear) control me. its pretty awesome to be able to look the world in the face. pretty awesome to feel good about myself and not feel like im a POS.
i owe it all to the program and fellowship of AA.

2granddaughters

Anxiety and panic attacks shouldn't be reasons to leave the meeting .... they should be reasons to stay and commit.

All the best.

Bob R

behindblueyes

Not a reason to leave the meetings. A reason to leave jobs, to run out of grocery stores, to leave girl scouts when I was 6/7 and to sit in the nurses office when I was in middle school because I always thought I was dying.

I was born with partial seizures due to brain lesions on my frontal lobe. I have had partial seizures all my life that mimic panic attacks. I also have full blown ones and honestly I feel like a freak.

Anyhow, I have a co-worker I have been driving to work from a bus stop. I did a background check on him before driving him and found out he had hit a car and got a DUI. He has also been in bar fights. I told him my story on the drive home today hoping he would open up about his alcoholism (he had no idea I did a check but I have worked in law enforcement) and we ended up agreeing on a meeting. Then he told me to drive him to his real home which is a halfway(sp) house. Complete shock.

He lives with 7 other guys and the meeting I go to is a block away but he wants me to pick him up and drive 20 miles to his meeting. It ends at 10 and I am kind of nervous about this. Thoughts?

Received

I'm not in AA however I was years ago. I do not think it's a good idea to be driving a male co-worker, who I suspect you know little about, 20 miles out to a meeting. You've one right around the corner you can go to.

Let me put it this way...there is no way it is something I would do.

regeneration

Do not drive a guy you don't know 20 miles out of your way. A woman in one of my recovery groups got raped. Yes, it can happen in any group but you don't know this guy from Adam. Please don't, make an excuse if needs be. If he's an okay guy he'll understand, if he's not, you are better not driving him.