Pataphor

Wow...my AV not only was yelling and screaming at me, it was kicking my chair, stomping around and making my and SO...miserable.

I was actually crying....??? Crying like a little girl who's balloon got burst. How embarrassing this was.
ick.

I feel like I was possessed.

Yeah the Superbowl triggered me. I don't think I have seen a game sober in 30 years...this is the first time and I barely could see it through my blinding rage. Truly the game was a snore till the 4th....but thats not the point.

my AV was screaming "I wont ever be able to have fun ever ever again! "WAHHHH".

I took a walk, I tried to go to bed. I slammed things and almost gave myself a panic attack. I finally got on the bike and rode it out.

Its completely humiliating what that that voice and feeling do to me.

I am a grown, intelligent woman who acts responsibly.

Now I just have an emotional hangover, puffy eyes and feel like a bad dog with its tail between its legs. I know its some victory that I didn't drink...but I don't feel like a success at all.

I just feel stupid.

doggonecarl

You are concentrating on the negatives while ignoring the positives.

You didn't drink. That is whopping huge! You are a winner...like the Ravens :-)

P.S.

And you will have fun again. Promise. Thirty days sober is still early in the journey. Real early. Just stick with it.

Gal220

I agree! You got upset, but so what? You didn't drink over it. That's the basis of everything else. Next time, you'll handle it better. A month is still really early in recovery; I didn't really begin to feel normal and like I wasn't "new" (to sort of answer your other post also) until like a year or so. There's a lot of growth that happens, so you can expect growing pains! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, apologize to your SO if you need to, and embrace this new day!

Nonsensical

Good for you for staying strong! My AV is also an SOB. Another member here turned me onto the concept of torturing my AV. I find it a very empowering visual. Next time yours starts acting up try telling him to shut his lying pie hole or you're putting him back on the bike!

Pataphor

Thanks nonsensical ! I feel better having written it here then hiding it like I did my drinking. I will try your suggestion next time...I wish there would not be one but I know better.

paul99

Yup - flip it around - do a gratitude list for that day and see what you get.

laurie6781

You did REAL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are many folks out there that did NOT make it through yesterday and the game without again picking up.

Now as to tantrums. Yep, I used to have those, my own tantrum would start after King Alcohol was throwing one in my head, and trust me I really know how to throw a tantrum!!! Today I call them 'hissy fits' and they are usually no longer triggered by King A. That is another story, lol and does not happen very often at all.

However, early in recovery, I was living in a home for alcoholic women, and there were 15 of us. There were literal 'claw marks' on the wall next to my bed, from me literally 'clawing the walls' with my fingernails to get through the King A rants in my head. What I found helped tremendously for me was to talk with others in recovery, to talk with others who would understand. You did that by coming here and posting. GREAT SOLUTION!!!

It will get better as time goes on and you continue to 'work' on you!

So, continue to use SR, as that is what it is for. Pretty soon, you will find yourself sharing with another newcomer what worked for you!!!

Love and hugs,

Pataphor

What a great honest post thank you so much for sharing that. just came back from very long dog walk, head is clear dog is down for the count...now on to some much needed gratitude work. Thanks for making my day brighter!!

Impurrfect

Oh yeah, I threw a LOT of trantrums in early recovery. You did GREAT!!! Sure, us acting like a 2-year-old is quite humbling, but it doesn't last forever.

FWIW, my first gratitude list (only after reading about it here, over and over) was said through gritted teeth and had 2 items - a soft bed and pillow. I'd been locked up and NOTHING there was soft.

It worked, and I soon found my gratitude list growing and growing. It takes time, but you got through a HUGE hurdle and I'm really proud of you

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Patsfan

Congratulations on taking a walk and not drinking