TheEnd

It’s been a while now since I have left AA and what had started as a break has turned into a permanent thing. I feel like I have grown so much in these last months, but it’s not because of what I have been doing, it’s because of what I have not been doing. My recovery had turned into, “I should be doing…..” or “They say I’m supposed to be doing……” or “It’s been a while and I probably should go……” At this point I was merely going through the motions trying to fit myself into somewhere that I did not want to be. I am so grateful to the structure AA gave me in the beginning and the ability to fellowship with other people like myself, but realized that somewhere along the line; I had started to drift apart from the program. I realized this wholeheartedly when I was asked to lead a meeting and I started to think about what I would say. It was at this point that I realized I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this anymore.

I’m wondering if other people have thought about leaving or have finally decided to part ways, what was it for you that made you say enough is enough?

MrTumble

I left AA very soon, after around 1 month. AA really helped me understand that I could change and that there were others who had the same problem and werent all old bearded guys who live in the local cemetery/park bench. Real normal people.

But I was never comfortable in the ethos that I was powerless in the face of drink and must yield to a "higher power". So on that basis I couldn't continue.

But AA helped me in a big way by showing me there were other paths available to just getting drunk. So for that, thanks AA !!

Since then, I have further understood the role of drink in my life and how I want to eradicate its use. Its a personal journey I guess, so dont feel bad about leaving AA..

awuh1

I go to meetings more during some periods of time than at others. I sometimes go for myself, but more often I go for what I might be able to contribute. Nobody there tells me what I need to do or think and I find that tolerance quite refreshing. I also like to stay connected. I find that life without me as the center of my own attention is much more satisfying and meaningful.

Jeni26

Can I ask how long you were sober before you made the decision to leave AA?

paul99

Did they ask you to return the secret decoder ring we all get when we join?

Just kidding, of course.

I feel very much the same. I am not dictated by a bunch of "shoulds", and I focus primarily on helping others. That's really what it comes down to it for me. The more I help others, the more it helps me.

I am not going to say that I'm sad to hear you leave, or plead for you to stay - that would be silly of me. I wish you the absolute best in your journey and there is no time limit for being away...you're always welcome back if you so decide to. If not, rock on.

digderidoo

I have gone through periods of not wanting to attend AA anymore, many times it's because i feel i'm different to other alcoholics. Everybody has their own story, so we are all different i guess, but i have looked at the differences and thought i could do it without AA. I never went to prison, never went to hospital, never lost my drivers licence, never really liked vodka and never drank in the morning. So when i go to a meeting where these stories dominate, i feel different.

There have been a couple of times i didn't attend meetings for a while, but i always end up getting complacent and wondering if i could now drink like a gentleman. Those couple of occasions ended up with me not being able to control it, so always went back.

An old timer only recently said that to him AA is like two tracks, on the one side you have the program and on the other the meetings. He attends meetings as he is never going to hear those pearls of wisdom that are not in the Big Book, for instance someone said to me about something i was going through recently, ' move out of the problem and start living in the solution' ... something i'd heard before, but needed it at the time and would never have been reminded of that had it not been for attending a meeting. This old timer also said that he enjoys meetings to watch people grow, there's nothing quite like watching people grow in recovery and you'll never see it on the internet or in a book like you do in a meeting.

For a couple of years i only attended the meetings to meet like minded people, i guess that's the fellowship. I'm close to a small handful, not so close to others. There are always the idiots in AA, every meeting has them, but even they have the occasional pearl of wisdom which is why i go.

Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who can stay sober without meetings, i was told when stopping attending that if i ever felt the urge to drink again that the door to AA will always be open. When things are going well, I can miss meetings for a while and not feel like a drink, but i know there always come a time when i'm going through a hard time and that's when i need the meetings.

The key for me now is that if i do miss meetings for a while, or go through a period where i'm thinking they aren't for me, i will never rule them out for the future. I will never say never, as i know eventually i end up drifting back to the meetings.

TheEnd

When I left I was at 17 months.



Yeap, the doors will always be open, but I'm never giving up my secret decoder ring....LOL

TheEnd

I believe many times people feel like this is because they are made to believe this is true. You here it in the rooms all the time. It was one of the things that made me continue to go once a month or so, because I believed that same nonsense. Just because you don't sit around a hour for a day in a meeting, doesn't mean you will wind up drink. I believe people tell you this, to instill this fear that you will forever need AA, so it become a lifelong committment, instead of a temporary program.

Pataphor

I to have had a mixed relationship with AA - love hearing stories. But the way my mind works, I always over analyze everything so I just end up feeling guilty and shameful when I work the steps.
I had a nice sponsor but it never felt right. I always thought I was failing the system even though I never drank. I felt more white knuckled by the steps then anything else.
I lasted 6 months a few years ago. I went back to 3 meetings this time around and felt the fellowship (I like that part) but I also felt the fear of the step work and sponsorship looming.
Its my personality - I am really hard on myself especially when I am doing "self-improvement", therapy etc.
I think AA is really a great organization I really like the meeting part, If I feel desperate I would go to a meeting. 30 days and holding and so far so good. Feel strong. A little lonely in the struggle but thats why I come here!

RobbyRobot

For me, I've never left the AA program, and never will. The meetings, not so much... After a decade of meetings, and peer-counseling/working in a rehab facility, I began to have my fill of 'official' meetings, and preferred more private meetings with select folk. You know, any two or three gathered together sort of thing.

Both AVRT and AA combined work well for me, since 1981, although AVRT proper wasn't around until 1986. Therapy also was, and remains, very important in my recovered sober lifestyle.

miamifella

I really liked the literature, but the relentless upbeatness of the meetings got to me. Hearing about how well everyone was doing and how great their lives were made me feel hopeless and alone. When I tried to speak about the difficulties I was having, I got confronted for being negative and my difficulties were attributed to my not working a good program.

I stuck around and ended up staying in the program for a bit over seven years. What finally made me leave was a difficult last year where I often would leave meetings to call a drug dealer. I realized that going to meetings and feeling like a failure was a bad thing for my recovery. I think I was going to meetings so that I COULD feel bad enough to use. I had a sponsor but he was very old school and did not want to work with me until I got to the fourth step--which I realized was never going to happen.

I needed to be able to speak honestly and openly to another person. So I went back into therapy and that was really what I needed.

I think the literature really gave me a vision of what recovery could be that has stayed with me. But I think the regulation of what can and cannot be said and the whole meeting-after-the-meeting thing of confronting people on their failings were not helpful to me. I did not need tough love. I needed encouragement.

I do occasionally go revisit meetings and I recently saw something that shocked me. Someone said that they were having problems staying sober and everyone else in the room talked about their problems in recovery. After the meeting no one got yelled at. No one got the huddle of people critiquing them. I was one of the few times that I ever left a meeting feeling good--feeling hopeful.

I do not know if this group was always like that, but after seven years and dozens of groups, I never saw anything like this. I think if I was in early recovery, this particular group would have helped me.

Joe Nerv

There are certain things I can only learn with the passing of time, because the lesson has to do with time itself. And while this is only my experience, and may very well not be someone elses, I've seen others with the same experience. I'd love to go into specifics with this as I think it would make a lot more sense, but the post would wind up incredibly long.

When I was about 4 years sober I started to drift away from AA. My life had been continually getting better, I was feeling strong, healthy, I had aquired a lot of excellent habits, and I didn't really need AA any more. Or at least as much. I ws in college, getting very involved in after school activities, had a job, lots and lots of friends outside of AA... had an excellent social life, was dating one of the most popular girls on campus (lots of lessons in that one ), things pretty much couldn't get any better. And then one day I woke up and the rug had gotten pulled out from under me. Wasn't anything super tragic that happened, but it's effect on me was. You could say I became humbled. Bigtime. Luckily I had held on at least a little to my sober connections at AA, I returned to meetings, and in several months I got myself back on track. I found that things just seemed to go a bit more smoothly while I was connected to the meetings. I was only going to about 3 a week, but my life started moving forward again, and I was feeling good.

Fast forward 13 years of fairly steady growth. My life had become more full than I ever thought possible, and I was literally living my dreams. Through my application of the things I learned in AA I had gotten myself a college education, became a HS teacher, gotten away from living with my parents, gotten re-involved in music (my true love), started to live my dreams touring the world with a band I was lucky to become a part of, started to literally live the life of my fantasies... and AA got squeezed out. Completely. Long story short, as succesful and certain as I was in myself and things I had learned and aquired... the rug got pulled again. This time, bigtime. Because of my strong foundation, I had the tools to emply not drink over anything and I didn't. I also had the tools to put everything back together, yet they weren't working as they did in the past. I went frantically from therapist, to self help book, to medication, to supplement, to everything thing imaginable. Nothing was working. I finally reconnected with AA, and pieces started falling once again into place. Why? I have my ideas, but i truly believe it's something to do on a spiritual level. Not a mystical, magical, god level as in god will punish me if I don't go to AA, or save me if I do. I believe it has to do with human spirit and the healing energy we bring to one another as people with the same affliction. And the constant, often subconscious reminder to keep using even the smallest of tools on a daily basis.

Most importantly, AA helps to keep me from the self centeredness that I believe is at the heart of my alcoholism. That self centerdness has a super sneaky way of creeping up on me when everything in my life is great, and I no longer need AA. Or any outside help for that matter. And in my case, and most people I see, that takes years to happen. Decades even.

I've gone through lots of ups and downs with AA. I still sometimes go weeks at times without going to a meeting, but I keep a solid connection. As of late, I keep commitments also (I take speaking commitments, and I just took a rehab commitment). These and a couple of meetings a week keep me happy, grounded, growing and content. And it only comes out to a few hours a week that I'd otherwise be watching TV or doing some other non productive thing. After 28 years of this sober stuff, I really can't think of any good reason not stay involved. Much cheaper than a therapist, or medication. And much better than both, IMO, too.

ru12

I actually like the meetings.., lots of nice people there that knew what I was going through. It was the recycled Oxford Group Religion that I couldn't stomach... And still can't.

TheEnd

You just mentioned the key right here. Not drinking over anything. No matter what I'm going through, drinking will not make anything better and it's important to remember that. Drinking is only a temporary fix that can lead to peramanent problems.

Being a therapist myself and also having the experience of attending myself, I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one.

RobbyRobot

Yup.
Big time.

Joe Nerv

I've got nothing against therapy. Therapists have been a huge part of my recovery, and helped me immensely. If I was forced for some reason to choose one over the other however, I'd choose AA.

RobbyRobot

Joe, not a big deal, but after reading your posts, I feel you're being disingenuous about you've nothing against therapy. I'm not saying your being dishonest, just saying I don't see your sincerity in your above post which I have quoted is all.

Not like we have to agree of course.

Db1105

IMHO, I think this is the norm rather than the exception. I know a lot of people who got sober in AA then eventually just stop going to meetings for whatever reason. They seem to be doing fine though its not my job to judge their lives.

Well into my third decade of recovery, I still try to get to my home group every week, sometimes moore. It's just part of my life. Since I'm not religious, I find it a chance to stop and take stock with me, while still connecting with others. I also try to do an institutional commitment a few times a years. Every once in awhile I'll take a service position before that craziness drives me away for several more years.

I enjoy the entire concept of AA. There is no better experience than the intense spirituality and insanity co existing at the same time.

Grymt

I don't understand the steps. I've never had a sponsor. I did try to understand the steps. Putting an extra o in god helped a bit. I bailed on a one year rehab. It was actually a really nice one outback NSW. I hopped on to a traveling evangelist tent instead. That was interesting. During the end of year layover I busted and went to live in the mens hostel I mentioned elsewhere. As it was a city lock-down with exit privileges I spent my days trudging the streets from meeting to meeting and would often get together with fellow travelers at various regular food-vans. Bread and cheap coffee. ugh. But I found people to talk with and left some that had become pretty close. There were some pretty heavy inter-meeting rivalries going on at the time. Cultish. Anyway, the geographicals continued. Damn that alcohol. Now I've forgotten the point I wanted to make. ( let that be a lesson ye young and hearty, the piper must have his due ). Hmmmm...I think I wanted to say something like know thyself, shop around, if something works work it, and don't pick up the first drink. I doubt that was exactly it but it'll do.
Thank you.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, an everlasting unendingly interesting paradox, lol.
Nicely said, Db.