TheRestorative

It's funny how things don't really change. We make excuses. We deny. Some of us even understand our addiction very well; like some surgeon who went up in there and took a good look around to see how everything worked (or wasn't working, in this case). You might know how much you can consume, when you feel the urges the strongest, which type will make you feel a particular emotion or desire, and you just might know how much will put you over the edge. You can predict tomorrow's hangover and how crappy the day will go, as a result of tonight's drinking. And yet, our hands never cease to pick up the stuff and put it back. Yes, it hurts. Many of us reach a point where it's no longer funny, liquid courage, "let's dance!" type stuff. It's a dependency. Get me through this night, please!

"I cannot face this." "I don't want to deal with this." "I can't." And, "I don't need your help. I'm fine. I'll quit tomorrow." There's always that hope of tomorrow, surrounded by that wild ignorance and silly, naive perspective that the first step is going to be hearts and flowers, so you'll give it a try tomorrow. In the last 3.5 years, I've been sober a maximum of a few weeks at a time. I've had countless "tomorrows." I always went back because I became frightened of my reality, and that memory of alcohol aiding my struggles never dies. I grab a hold of it like it never left. Good and faithful friend, there you are. Warm and tingly as you go down. And you almost feel like your old self again, and admittedly, you take pride in that..... don't you? Especially when the old buddies come back around and say, "There she is! We missed this girl!" Deception. You should NOT be prized and cherished because of how often you trash your life. Period.

Anyway, my body has been aching and dragging itself up the stairs these last few days. I've been on a 2 week binge, maybe more. Sometimes I ease back into it and do the - what I like to call - "sophisticated denial", which consists of a couple drinks/night (for a little while, because we all know the full-blown binge is coming around to show its face real soon). Not this time. I've been going hard. No bed wetting though. I did vomit the other night for the first time in a long time. Just couldn't handle the vodka. Drink after drink with my ever encouraging brother. He means well, and sadly, getting trashed was one of our most cherished past-times together. That's the hard part for a lot of us, I think. The memories and relationships attached with alcohol; masking it in some good memory outfit, as though it did us well. Lies.

I'm drinking some white zin tonight. Just a glass. Don't have anymore left. Too tired to really care today. Did any of you ever have a night or two where your body was just so fed up? I even drink when I'm sick as a dog, I can't stop. But tonight, I'm just at the end of something. I feel like I really need to kick this. I can see the light on the other side, and it's yelling out songs of victory to me. Will you join me?

Blessings and love,
-A

caboblanco

you're pretty. you look like my old girlfriend in real life. you will realize how bad you were feeling after you quit a while.

Gal220

I can definitely remember feeling that way. It can get better if you want it to. There's a lot of support on here and information on different recovery methods. I hope you find what you're looking for!

LexieCat

I used to do that, get all mushy about quitting while I was sipping away.

Did it for quite a while, in fact.

Are you buying another bottle tomorrow?

gratefulkp

Some folks say the first step is the hardest. I thought it was the easiest. After all, if I couldn't control it, couldn't help myself, then I might as well drink. So drink I did. Hang in there TheRestorative. Find your HP. God bless.

paul99

Get rest. Or what resembles it at this point of the game. I used to drink through the vomiting. Drank through my body getting fed up, as you mentioned. I waxed poetic while my insides were getting chewed up with poison.

I hope this is where the end of the road is for you. I really do. Lots of things you can do to stop the merry-go-round, places to go, people to talk to, plans of recovery.

All the best.

instant

In the end I was tired. I gave up the idea of either drinking, or giving up drinking. I just did nothing, I was beaten and couldn,t get up, as I knew what would come next.

Within a day I had cravings and mild withdrawal symptoms ( I'd been there before). At some point in that period the notion came to me that I would not drink and I would take whatever came. I would do nothing. For me it was a new beginning.

I sense you to are tired. I hope you can lie back in the arms of the universe and give up the struggle.

TheRestorative

Lexiecat, I've been doing it for a while also. Truth is, I got mushy about it even a week sober and still trying to hold myself together. I think at this point, the only thing to do is never buy it again and avoid it at all costs. You can't play with fire, ya know? I've been around and around before trying to "control" it, but failed every time. It has to stop completely. And truthfully, no one needs to drink either. When we make excuses for how little we can consume and call it okay (to be social), what we're really saying is that we can't stop so we'll draw a line somewhere and say that's fine.

Not buying a bottle today.

Anna

I surely felt like I was slipping away and I was emotionally, mentally and physically. I am so grateful that that I had a moment of clarity and knew that I had to make the decision to stop drinking. Alcohol was no longer an option for me. And, life became so much easier and beautiful.

You can do this and we're here to offer support.

john44

Good for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. For me, in the past year, every "first drink" has led to painful, horrible withdrawals and a hospital detox. I think I've been detoxed 7 or 8 times. I'm 100% powerless against alcohol. I've come to believe that the only thing that can save me now is God. I've decided to turn my life over to him so that I may live to hopefully help someone else.

It seems you haven't quite reached the level of total horror and devastation that I have. I pray that you won't have to. No one should have to go through that.

gleefan

TheRestorative, it sounds like you have reached the point that I did when I decided that I no longer wanted to drink. Like you, I'd been tossing around the notion that I drank to much for some 2/3 years, then all of a sudden, two Mondays ago, I decided I'd had enough. Enough drinking, enough hangovers, enough accidents, enough arguments, enough black outs. My sobriety is very new and I'm far from being in a place where I can reasonably give anyone my advice. You made a good start coming to these boards. There are lots of great members with sound advice, plus there are additional forms of support out there - AA, counseling, etc. Take today's idea to get sober and run with it. Happiness, health, focus and a good nights' sleep await!

ReadyAndAble

Yep, that's the deal. Quitting once and for all was the only way I was ever going to escape. It's been over two years since my last drink, and if I had a beer tonight, I have no doubt the obsession would return very quickly. The obsession, and eventually the binges, and then the physical addiction as well. But the obsession is the root of it all for me, and that's why I had to quit forever.

But here's the good news: it's not a big deal. I mean it seems like this huge giant sacrifice when you're still under the sway of the addiction, but that's the addiction talking. Like you said, it becomes intertwined on an emotional level with the good stuff in our lives. Heck, I even wondered if I'd still love music as much once as I quit (music is a big part of my life). But those fears and doubts are just part of the addiction, created by one part of our brain to convince the other part to stay in addiction.

All the good stuff in my life—the things and people I love the most—remained in my life after I quit. Now that I'm not saddled with that obsession, the hangovers, the regret, the constant feeling of hiding the real me behind a facade, which created this giant wall between me and the world—with all that gone, I enjoy life more than ever. I feel good about myself now, which makes me feel a lot better about everything and everyone I see.

Quitting isn't the sacrifice. Continuing to drink—that's the real sacrifice.

You sound ready to stop sacrificing. You're going to be incredibly glad you did, much more than you probably even know.

eveleivibe

How would you quit alcohol though as isn't dangerous to 'just stop?' I think my Dad may be alcoholic (see other post) so would be interested in how one quits or is it only if you drink so much / certain strength for so long that it is dangerous to stop cold turkey?

ReadyAndAble

Quitting can be done safely, eveleivibe. Physical withdrawals depend on many factors, and vary from one person to another. Many people opt for a medically supervised detox to get through it. Ideally your dad should talk to a doc. We can't give medical advice here—and you wouldn't want to get medical advice from the internet, anyway.

The one sure danger is for an alcoholic to keep drinking. I hope your dad decides to quit soon. I'm glad he has you looking out for him.

eveleivibe

Congrats on two years. That's a big achievement. Sorry if i come across as patronising in saying that as I am not an alcoholic but imagine its difficult with alcohol being so readily available n socially expected at specific holidays so well done with it. You--- n others like you with months, years soberty are true inspirations for others coming here.

eveleivibe

You're right about medical advice i keep forgetting that. He is in denial so i don't think he'll be quitting soon mind you I've never seen him have withdrawals though apart from he may seem impatient or quiet when he's wanting alcohol. I do not live with him now but my mam is convinced he's alcoholic. Last Sunday we were all there for weekly dinner n he secretly drank bottle of wine in 2 hours my mam is fed up with the drinking now i think in a way though we're all in denial too as my Dad has a great job etc so it cant be all that bad???

TheRestorative

John44, when is a hospital detox necessary? I've been drinking heavy for nearly 8 years now. I'm always thinking about what my liver looks like, and lately my daughters have been repeating, "Mommy, don't drink wine tonight. It will make you sick." And I don't even know where they got that from to be honest. I take it as a sign from God. I ask God to take the pain away, but I know it's a conscious decision I have to make. Besides, He says He won't ever allow me to be tempted beyond what I can handle. I am choosing to trust Him now.

john44

I can't give medical advice. I just know that now my body cannot tolerate alcohol anymore. If I didn't go to the hospital, I'm pretty sure I would have died.

"Tempted beyond beyond what I can handle"? I'm sorry but that doesn't make any sense to me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can't handle 1 drink.

TheRestorative

John44, it simply means there is a way out when we're tempted to do something that will bring us harm, in any form. There is a path that is better. It had nothing to do with trying to handle alcohol addiction by our own strength.