jeremysampson

My girlfriend of 4 years told me a couple of hours ago she’s been going to AA meetings every day for about a week. I would really love some advice on my role in supporting her through this process. Some background about our situation (I’m 29 and she’s 26):

For the first couple of years we were together her drinking was a real issue. I have a close group of friends who grew up together and would binge drink in the weekends. She didn’t grow up in that environment (never drank as a teenager) and would often get out of control when we went out - like angry and confrontational and verbally abusive. Over time, we developed a rule that she would only drink beer.

That solved alot of the issues (and we basically never go out binge drinking with friends these days), but some remained, like sometimes she would have 6 -10 beers at home and get confrontational or emotional, or a couple of days after Christmas just passed, my mum took her aside and said she thought she was too drunk on Christmas day – she was being loud and slightly confrontational with kids around (to be honest I didn’t even notice at the time). This left her feeling really embarrassed (we were vacationing at my parents and they’re still getting to know each other).

She told me today that for the last month she’s been feeling depressed. A little more than a week ago, we had an argument after a few drinks and she said something in passing about hurting herself. Today I raised that comment with her, and she said she never actually made plans to carry it out or anything like that, its more that at times she been feeling like she just doesn’t care.

Drinking has always been a big part of my life – I’ve always drank more and more often than her. But I never get angry or abusive, and when I drink, even when I drink heavily, its extremely rare I get sloppy, and my disposition is without exception just happy and chatty. I’ve never really had any bad things happen from alcohol, lost a job or ruined a relationship or anything like that. I enjoy alcohol, and drink 2 or 3 nights a week. Probably once a month will wake up and drink all day long. Its also not really an issue for me to stop, for example, last summer I didn’t drink for 3 months while doing a work project.

As I’m trying to process my role in all this, my main question is: to be properly supportive do I need to stop drinking as well? Get all the alcohol out of the apartment (we live together – just the 2 of us)? Is it terrible for her to be around someone drinking regularly for enjoyment without any negative consequences? Is that just rubbing it in her face?

She’s just gone off to work, its Friday at 4pm, I’ve had a long week and would love to sit back, have a beer and watch a movie.

Any advice people have as we start working through all this together would be really great. Thanks so much for hearing me out.

MeetJohnDoe

Having been through a similar situation with my ex, what made her turn the corner and get better was therapy. You might consider helping her get professional help, and work through whatever issues she has. My ex came out all the stronger for it. And she is so much better now, vibrant, happy, emotional but never depressed. IMHO there is little you can do but be supportive and steer her to work through whatever demons she has with the help of a professional. You alone can't rescue the relationship. She has a lot of work to do on her own first.

jeremysampson

Thanks John - great to hear a success story. My girlfriends made an appointment to see a therapist next week, I hope the end of the story is her vibrant and happy!

Do you mind me asking if you stopped drinking when she did?

zeroptzero

I would respectfully say yes, to be actually, meaningfully supportive you should keep alcohol out of the home and not drink around her. I would also respectfully suggest that you need to examine why alcohol is so important to you. You have a girlfriend of several years who is experiencing depression and thoughts of self-harm that are likely related to an alcohol problem and yet you need to post a question about whether it is ok for you to keep drinking and keep alcohol in her home for your enjoyment?

bigsombrero

I have to concur. Also, you mention that you drink, sometimes heavily, but rarely "get sloppy". This does not mean you are not an alcoholic. I'm not saying you ARE, either, but just keep an open mind.

I would say that if you're going to live with an alcoholic and be supportive, the best thing to do would be to keep it out of the house. It will show her you care and are on board.

Good luck, you did a great thing by posting this!

sugarbear1

Have you had a conversation with her as to how you can support her?

jeremysampson

Thanks for the replies everyone, really.

i've spent alot of time reflecting on the role of alcohol in my life over the last couple of years. yes its important, its been a part of almost every social gathering ive had since being a teenager - christmas, birthdays, welcome homes, good byes, the list goes on. i see that at some level this is messed up, but at the same time, i have a great time doing it. when i have a bad day i come home and have a beer and forget about. its one of my favorite things - but i dont do it compulsively, and i dont damage myself or those around me.

yet your words are persuasive - perhaps this is a time when i simply have to put the woman i love before simple pleasures....

we've just had this one conversation about her quitting drinking and starting at AA a few hours ago. i told her i support her decision 100 percent and for her to let me know however i can support her through the process. she told me she doesn't want me to have to stop drinking. but intuitively I can see how would really be helpful.

endlesspatience

Keep reading and keep posting. You describe alcohol as a simple pleasure. Pretty much everyone on this forum knows it's not.

Anna

My husband stopped drinking when I did, though he was never much of a drinker. I am so glad that we made the decision to never have alcohol in the house.

LexieCat

I dunno, for normal drinkers it can be. I have no problem with normal drinkers who do not endanger themselves or others.

My first husband got sober 33 years ago (and he's still happily sober today). For the first several months I never drank in his presence. After that, if we were at a party or something (after he felt OK about going out to parties where alcohol is served), I did drink. He did not have a problem with that. But for the rest of our 14-year marriage we did not keep any in the house. The last few years we were together I asked if he would mind if I bought a bottle of brandy for Christmas, and he said that wouldn't bother him as long as the bottle didn't hang around after the holidays.

He has told me many times, since (we are still good friends), how much he appreciated that--that it really helped him in early sobriety not to have it in the house.

The other thing you might do is go to a couple of open AA meetings, either with her (if she's comfortable with that) or on your own. It's very enlightening and you will get a better idea of what she is dealing with.

I'm glad you are interested in supporting her. Many partners are not.

And it pays to keep an eye on your own drinking, as well--lots of young people party a lot, but if it starts becoming too big a part of your life, you might want to take a look at that.

jennikate

First, as a recovering alcoholic, I'd like to say that it's great that you want to be supportive even though it will effect your life. At first, my husband did not drink at all. Then, he drank only beer and only out. Now, he can drink anything he wants but still mostly out. We do not have alcohol or anything containing it in the house unless he is drinking it at the moment. I think the most important thing is that he followed my lead. My feelings and reactions to alcohol have changed since becoming sober and I am now more comfortable with my sobriety. It would have been hard to stop drinking if I was surrounded by drink.