Grymt

...I drink because I'm an alcoholic.
When I don't drink it's because I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not happy at the moment. I choose to deal with it by not drinking.
It sucks. I'm not good at it. Probably if I hadn't spent decades not dealing with it by drinking I'd be better at it today.

Xune

I'm more than just a label such as 'alcoholic' and so are you.

For starters, I'm a man, a father, husband, employee, home owner, vehicle owner, vacationer, mens league hockey player, addict in active recovery, Atheist, Social Conservative, avid reader, SR member etc...

That there's the truth.

TiredWolf

Grymt,

I think I know how you feel. I quit drinking 7 days ago and right now I don't think I'll ever feel happy or energetic again. I went to 2 AA meetings and then to see a counselor last Thursday but other than that haven't left the house.

Had to give my wife my money and debit card so I wouldn't be tempted to buy alcohol...how sorry is that?!

Hang in there.

Gal220

Being sober is so much more than being free of alcohol. I had to learn to be happy with myself, otherwise being dry didn't really help me much. For most of us, I think this means we have to work on ourselves or we'll end up dry and miserable or drinking again. I had to clear out all the guilt, shame, anger, insecurities, fears, and selfishness that led me to drink in the first place so that I could be free and happy with who I was. I learned how to do this in AA, but as will be pointed out to you, there are many paths to sobriety. It sounds like you're at what AA literature calls the jumping off point: can't imagine life with alcohol and can't imagine life without alcohol.

But it's definitely not hopeless. This forum is living proof that happy sobriety is possible!

Grymt

When I used to struggle with alcohol it didn't matter whether I was happy or sad or neutral, it was never hard to find a reason for drinking. The last time I busted was, if my memory serves me right, the first time that I choose to stop within a day. Previously I had not drunk for four and a half years. Since the bust in early 2009 I haven't drunk. I don't intend to but I still do not trust myself. I still come to that fork in the road and must choose. Today I choose to feel, to be me, which is, I realise, something to do with anger and frustration. If I choose to feel me, to be me, I feel honest. In this honesty I find a measure of tranquility.
I've been reading many posts today and I know again that 'this will also pass'. In that I start to feel hopeful and while writing this I find myself smiling. Funny how it goes.
'Tis a wily dis-ease indeed.
This is a haven, a home, with people from all over the world. I'm in oz, down under, but people here know me without having met because you know your selves, and likewise I know you.
This was a tough dry alky time for me. More rock-bottoms ahead. Knowing this place is here helps, a lot.
Thank you, and goodnight.

FreebirdII

I have given up the card too. Try to get out it will help. It seems rough but it will get better. I finally got my 24 hour chip tonight after many attempts to clean up. It takes time. One day at a time.

fini

Had to give my wife my money and debit card so I wouldn't be tempted to buy alcohol...how sorry is that?!
not sorry at all! very smart and taking good care of yourself and putting in an action to help your desire not to drink again.
nothing sorry about that. rather the opposite.
congratulations!

TiredWolf

Thanks for that.

Wife has me saving receipts each time I buy stuff so she can be sure I'm not purchasing alcohol. I think this is the last straw...if I relapse this time she's probably going to leave (not that I blame her).

whiskeyman

so dont relapse. Stop thinking about that and replace it with something positive.
do a good deed for someone else.

Bigndfan175

Wolf - I am not allowed to carry cash, debit card, credit card and I get to blow into a portable breathalyzer at my family's whim. One day I'll earn their trust back, for now, its how I have to roll.

Grymt - hang in their - you are more than a label!

TiredWolf

Big-wife doesn't know about the portable breathalyzers! If she did I'm sure I'd be subjected to blow into one.

When you get right down to it, our families have to treat us like children while we're in early recovery.

David 1

In some crazy way, it was worse than being treated as a child. I felt like I let myself down but just as important, I let my family down.

Dave

Gravel

You guys with the wives or women watching after you; it might seem like a sorry situation for the man to be in but be glad she is supporting you and don't let her down.

TiredWolf

Well stated.

I'd either be in prison or dead if it wasn't for her. I don't know what she sees in me but I'm blessed to have her by my side.

MissPotato

I'm two days sober now, still kinda feel like I've been hit by a car though. My boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment because of the 3 day Bender i went on over the weekend. Funny how after all my many years of drinking it takes one massive stuff up before i admit i have a drinking problem, not only have i screwed up at home but I'm not sure if i lost a best friend as well. I keep playing the scene over & over in my head...it seems like a bad dream, like I'm watching through my own eyes but i have no control of my actions & I'm thinking " what the hell were you thinking?". Sober me is nothing like drunk me, it's like we aren't even the same person. Normally my reaction to this situation would be to get plastered to stop my thoughts racing & ease my pain for a while, but i can't do that this time. I have to grow the f**k up...

TiredWolf

Believe me, I have a few scenes burned onto my mind as well. And as you said....they play over and over.

Grymt

Keep it simple, stupid.

I had been drinking cheap cask wine for months to the point where every waking moment was a horror of DT's unless I drank.
I never fell asleep.
I fell unconscious.

In the end the only option I had was to stop or die.
Tapering off is not an option for me.
The only thing that made a difference (to me) was to admit I am an alcoholic. If I drink I end up in the gutter. When I drink it's because I can't not drink. Therefore because I can't not drink I don't drink.

K.I.S.S.

It's that simple for me, I can't make it any simpler.

I'm an alcoholic and when drink I drink it's because I'm an alcoholic.
When I don't drink, I don't drink because I'm an alcoholic. That's the only life that makes sense to me.

Then comes the hard part: Me. Everything I avoided while drinking. Every denial, all the stupidity and BS I put myself and others through.

I recently shared how I detoxed using valium. I gather that didn't go down too well with some people.

I've experienced supervised detox where valium is doled out in small doses for a couple of weeks.
Just long enough to make that a problem.
I was lucky enough to hear a carer from a detox center talk on the radio about rapid detox. This takes four days. Combined with rest, fluids, nutrition I came out of it having ridden through the shakes.

This simply put me in a receptive frame of mind to start on the hard stuff like not picking up a drink.

For myself I had to abandon everything and do 3 meetings a day for 30 days while living in a mens hostel with no money. That and combined with Meditation ( mindfulness, self awareness. If I don't know me how can I deal with me. Separate the outer from the inner? ) seems to have broken the back of my constantly struggling with alcohol. I don't anymore. I struggle with myself in all situations that knock me off balance. Blaming others, or the outer, is just part of the BS.

None of this makes me better than anyone else. It makes me better than what I was and maybe makes me better than what I am.
I'm dumb and loving it.

Thank you.