MissLucyG

Hi guys,

I mentioned in another thread that recently I've been withdrawing from social situations, as I find that more often than not I'm made to feel upset or insecure by the comments of some non-drinkers due to my sobriety.

It seems some people hardly ever come into contact with the insensitive drinkers out there as often as I do, but for me it seems to be a regular occurrence that's played havoc with my confidence.. I think it may be something to do with my job, which requires me to attend industry parties fairly often, or work with bands, or just in generally alcohol heavy surroundings, and often with people who I don't know well, who don't know the details of my problems with booze...

For example last week I went for a meal in a pub with a group of friends who still drink, and were drinking that evening. I had a nice meal and enjoyed their company, then at around 10:30 went to leave, my two best friends in the group are infinitely supportive of my sobriety, but another acquaintance, known for his heavy drinking screeched "ugh Lucy you're so BORING these days!" I know that I am comparatively "boring" compared to my old crazy days, but when someone shouts it, in front of everyone, it's like a punch in the stomach.

At a work do in a nightclub last week when leaving (at 2:30 may I add) one work colleague shouted at the top of his lungs that I was "all work and no play", while another said "you're leaving, AGAIN?!" I went from feeling like I'd had a great night to on the verge of tears, feeling like a freak. I also had a friends housemate last week talk about how he'd quit drinking for January and how life was now "boring" and why would anyone want to go out with people who didn't drink... It just seems to be constant.

Now I know I'm not boring, I know that in fact for someone to rely on alcohol to have fun most likely makes them the boring party. I would never go back to drinking, and I know that often people call out my sobriety as it makes them feel insecure about their own drinking... But my question is, do any of you have a good comeback in these situations?

Something that lays it on the table, without going into too much detail, but asserts myself? I thought of something along the lines of "Just because my being sober makes you feel insecure about your drinking doesn't mean you need to have a go at me. Just give me the respect I give you, and let me live my life the way I choose..." But then thought that sounded like the holier than though sober girl which is the last thing I want...

I'd love to be prepared for the next time it happens, because I know it will happen, and I think having a reply in my arsenal may be half the battle in getting my confidence back in those situations...

Thanks for listening guys, and thanks for your help in advance! Xx

Xune

If it were me, I'd give exactly zero damns.

I actually had an acquaintance say to me;

' You used to be fun Xu, now your boring Xu! ' Ha ha ha X about 10 other people in the room.

My response, was that I laughed heartily along with everyone else at my expense.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.

Celtic12

I can certainly relate, I have some of my close mates over almost every weekend to watch a football match and do some cooking. They almost always have a few cans of cider or something but its generally just have a relaxed time, and are very understanding of my sobriety and always make sure I'm okay with them having a drink.

But, the few times I've gone to the pub for football and see ALL the old crew who remember me as a rowdy drinking man, I've certainly endured plenty of scrutiny for drinking a Coke instead of downing lagers and being a steaming mess.

Boring is definitely not the only thing I've been called, but I don't let it get me much anymore.

AlisonW

It hasn't happened to me yet as I'm only on day 10 and haven't done much socializing, but I'm sure it will happen, esp with coworkers who are used to me being the night out organizer and "another round" kind of girl. But Lucy I think you are exactly right that its because they are insecure about their own drinking. It amazes me how frequently people get into each others business. Unrelated to drinking, but I got married last November , so in the months leading up to the wedding I was very careful about what I ate. When I returned to work, I couldn't believe how many people made comments like "now you can eat cake!" "Now you can eat pizza" like, what do they care what I was eating or not eating. It was crazy! I guess my point is just that people love to stick their nose in others business. I think laughing it off is the only thing you can do. People like that don't care about the truth or about the reality of the situation. If you're boring, that makes them exciting in their eyes, so let them think that. You get the last laugh, because you know the truth.

Celtic, I love the expression "steaming mess!" That just about describes it, doesn't it!!

LexieCat

The best retort I know of is, "Good night!" Preferably said in an extremely cheery tone.

Seriously. The speech you are contemplating comes off whiny and childish, like "sticks and stones". It may be the truth, but not every truth needs to be (or should be) vocalized.

If you want to be taken seriously, then conduct yourself with appropriate dignity. Dignity means not defending what does not need to be defended. It means doing the right thing regardless of what other people say or may think about you. Their drinking is their concern. You only need to be concerned about your own.

Yes, it is unkind and insensitive of them to say those things. It is highly unlikely your pointing it out will make them kind and sensitive.

I'd rather go home a little irritated at childish behavior on the part of others than to feel I stooped to their level by dignifying such behavior with a response.

caboblanco

yeah for the guy I'd say "no beer goggles could make you cute"


seriously though you shouldn't say anything and don't let it bother you

endlesspatience

Lexicat is right on this: Yes, it is unkind and insensitive of them to say those things. It is highly unlikely your pointing it out will make them kind and sensitive.

i wish I'd taken that advice to heart more often when lashing out people about their apparent bad behaviour. The lashing out usually happened when I was drunk anyway.

And if I made an ass of myself after a few drinks and someone told I was being daft, it didn't change the way I behaved one bit.

ru12

I'd blow them a kiss and leave. They don't deserve anymore time spent thinking about them. Childish behavior really.

paul99

Like Xune, I make light of it. I will tell people not only do I not drink, I don't smoke, I don't do pot, I don't eat sweets, and I go to bed right after my 3 and 5 year old kids do. Then I laugh with them and it dissipates.

Having a bunch of comebacks that could get into goofy stuff...no time for that. Focus on your recovery. Besides, their comments aren't witty enough to merit comebacks...

Jeni26

Yes I'm the same. I went out with my old crowd before Christmas, and the teasing went on all night. The fact I wasn't drinking seemed to be the hot topic of conversation the whole time, and my past drunken exploits were repeatedly brought up. I realised that I must have provided a lot of entertainment value in my drinking days.

I also laughed it off. I found it relatively easy to do actually, probably because this was the first time in 6 months I'd been anywhere near my old drinking pals and I had prepared myself mentally for temptation to fall back into my old ways.
When I didn't get that, a bit of teasing seemed minor in comparison.

I reckon the less importance you attach to it, the sooner this will stop. They will find something else to talk about.

least

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

MissLucyG

Wow, thanks guys, these responses have been a real eye opener... You're so right! I must say I've never been a turn-the-other-cheek type of person, I couldn't tell you why but it just isn't me, I tend to want to give as good as I get but... Yep, where will it get me really...

I think I can still be prepared for it to come, and know that when it does, not to take it personally, and to receive it with a smile will hopefully that in itself will keep me in a positive frame of mind.

As I should already know, I can't change other people but I can change myself... Thanks for the advice guys! Xx

Music

Are others being insensitive, or are they just not as sensitive enough to my not drinking as I'd like them to be?

I got sober wen I was 34 years old. I was having a particularily ego-driven day one day and I mentoned to my sponsor how nobody seemed to care about the fact that I'd quit drinking. His response was, "just because you decided at age 34 to start behaving the way you should have been behaving all along, doesn't mean the world is going to stop rotating and take notice."
I just simply tell people "thank you I don't drink" and let it go. What they do with that information is none of my business.

Maybe you're being a little too sensitive about the fact that you can't drink.

MissLucyG

Thanks Music, but I think perhaps you've misunderstood my situation. I don't expect people to pander to me in anyway, or change their behaviour, but I also don't expect to be singled out, berated or humiliated for making a life choice that others haven't chosen for themselves.

I'm not referring to situations in which I reveal I don't drink and move on, but rather situations where people, for whatever reason, choose to try to belittle me, or make me feel bad for that choice. Am I sensitive to it? Certainly, but am I overly sensitive to it? I don't believe so.

I'm just trying to find a way to deal with such comments in a way that makes me feel good and leaves my confidence and dignity intact, I don't think that's a strange thing to want. Thanks for your post x

DarkDays

Really do not give a flying #%#} what others think about me not drinking, it's cool being sober. Let the sheep drink and drug.

TheEnd

I think this has to do with your comfortability in sobriety. When you get to a point in sobriety when you are comfortable with your new life, these types of responses won't even bother you. Also, as time goes on and people starting relating to you as non-drinker, they won't even make these stupid comments.

I never had to worry about these comments, because my friends would have ran out of the room if I picked up a drink....LOL

Music

I gotcha! I just pick different people to hang out with. I don't have time for people who don't respect my choices. I don't mind a good debate about interesting subjects, but my sobriety, my religion and some of my political beliefs don't fall into that category.

gleefan

On Friday night I was dancing with a group of female acquaintances at a fundraiser when one of the women, a person who I've known for a long time who is mostly a non drinker, but was drinking that night, announced, " I just want everyone to know that Gleefan is dancing without a drop of alcohol in her!" I felt embarrassed, singled out, and out in the spot. I'm not a turn the other cheek kinda woman, but I'm not great at being put on the spot. I said the first thing that came to mind. "I've never danced without a drink before, not to mention I've never danced without a drink in my hands before. I guess there's a first time for everything," and I got back to dancing.

Fernaceman

Great responses, everyone. It's so true that other people's comments to us are taken only as serious as we let them. I like the laughing it off trick.

instant

Miss LucyG. The way I felt about these types of events and people changed over time. In time my confidence in myself, sobriety and what I am about increased. Over time I came to the view that such comments are about where they are at not me.

Keep rockin your sobriety- and **** those who don't get it.