Some drinking buddies buddies ARE true friends
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 25
Some drinking buddies buddies ARE true friends
Good morning,
I hope everyone is having a great morning. I've noticed that people have been recommending or carrying through with getting rid of old drinking friends in helping to maintain sobriety. Through my current stint of sobriety (the longest of my life since I've been drinking, on day 21) I've had some time to reflect on this. I think it depends on the situation.
I am still very close with my best friends from college. In fact, two of them are my best friends. We all have been heavy drinkers and most of our times together have included drinking as a background activity for other events, vacations, etc. I admit that we drink together pretty much every time we get together (though we communicate regularly without alcohol being used).
Yesterday I went on a snowboarding trip with them. As usual they started cracking beers when we got to the mountain. I had told them on the way up that I'm not drinking these days. What did I get in response? Nothing but wholehearted support, as they wanted me to do what I need to do to be happy.
We had a fantastic time, great snow, great laughs. I didn't get any crap for not drinking and honestly my sobriety didn't even come up. To me in this situation, it seems it would be a really poor decision to distance myself from them when we all need such times away from daily life with such close friends, talking about what's new in our lives over the years.
Then again, there are people I wouldn't want to be around in my no-drinking situation. It depends.
Friends are harder and harder to come by as we get older. I just want to put this out there as some food for thought to analyze what each of our friendships mean and who we can hurt before we cut all drinkers off because WE can't handle alcohol very well.
I hope everyone is having a great morning. I've noticed that people have been recommending or carrying through with getting rid of old drinking friends in helping to maintain sobriety. Through my current stint of sobriety (the longest of my life since I've been drinking, on day 21) I've had some time to reflect on this. I think it depends on the situation.
I am still very close with my best friends from college. In fact, two of them are my best friends. We all have been heavy drinkers and most of our times together have included drinking as a background activity for other events, vacations, etc. I admit that we drink together pretty much every time we get together (though we communicate regularly without alcohol being used).
Yesterday I went on a snowboarding trip with them. As usual they started cracking beers when we got to the mountain. I had told them on the way up that I'm not drinking these days. What did I get in response? Nothing but wholehearted support, as they wanted me to do what I need to do to be happy.
We had a fantastic time, great snow, great laughs. I didn't get any crap for not drinking and honestly my sobriety didn't even come up. To me in this situation, it seems it would be a really poor decision to distance myself from them when we all need such times away from daily life with such close friends, talking about what's new in our lives over the years.
Then again, there are people I wouldn't want to be around in my no-drinking situation. It depends.
Friends are harder and harder to come by as we get older. I just want to put this out there as some food for thought to analyze what each of our friendships mean and who we can hurt before we cut all drinkers off because WE can't handle alcohol very well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
The Big Book says that, when you are spiritually fit, you can go anywhere and do anything - including being around drinking. No where does it say that you should cut off true friends because they still drink. It also doesn't say to isolate yourself from the rest of the world; in fact, quite the opposite. I think the logic behind the suggestion is more to reflect on the true quality of your friendships, and protect yourself and your recovery by making good choices about who belongs in your sober life.
If they are fully supporting your sobriety and you feel these are true friends with your best interests in mind, then they are a wonderful gift in life. Just be honest with yourself about the people you surround yourself with - learning to understand my intentions has been a huge wake-up in my recovery. If you are not in the best place one day, it's OK to pass up an invitation for the sake of your sobriety - they may not totally get it, but they should respect it, and your recovery needs to come first.
If they are fully supporting your sobriety and you feel these are true friends with your best interests in mind, then they are a wonderful gift in life. Just be honest with yourself about the people you surround yourself with - learning to understand my intentions has been a huge wake-up in my recovery. If you are not in the best place one day, it's OK to pass up an invitation for the sake of your sobriety - they may not totally get it, but they should respect it, and your recovery needs to come first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i'm older and my true friends just don't care if i drink or not....if i come over to dinner or visit, i'm greeted with my favorite beverage...i mug of hot water for my lemon tea bags i carry around....many times i am asked to share my beverage of choice...."oh that looks good Fandy"
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's great--they sound like good guys.
Just a couple of thoughts--being around drinking while you're absorbed in a physical activity like snowboarding is quite a bit different from hanging out in a bar with good friends that are drinking--where that is the central activity. I'd still suggest avoiding that for a while. I now find activities where drinking is the central attraction to be incredibly boring.
Just a couple of thoughts--being around drinking while you're absorbed in a physical activity like snowboarding is quite a bit different from hanging out in a bar with good friends that are drinking--where that is the central activity. I'd still suggest avoiding that for a while. I now find activities where drinking is the central attraction to be incredibly boring.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
I couldn't agree more
While I have been one of the folks suggesting care when being around 'drinking buddies', I also have several longtime friends who still drink, even when I'm with them. They NEVER try to suggest I should drink or offer me a beer.
My point has always been to take a good look at each friendship on it's own merits. If you have complete trust in them and they support your sobriety, then there is no reason to eject them from your life.
The difference between a 'drinking buddy' and a true friend comes to light when someone starts ignoring you once you are sober or act's like your sobriety is a threat to them in some way. If they try to get you to drink, then I believe you need to take a serious look at that friendship and decide how to deal with it.
It sounds like you have a great group of friends. Congratulations on your sobriety!
My point has always been to take a good look at each friendship on it's own merits. If you have complete trust in them and they support your sobriety, then there is no reason to eject them from your life.
The difference between a 'drinking buddy' and a true friend comes to light when someone starts ignoring you once you are sober or act's like your sobriety is a threat to them in some way. If they try to get you to drink, then I believe you need to take a serious look at that friendship and decide how to deal with it.
It sounds like you have a great group of friends. Congratulations on your sobriety!
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I don't think the idea of throwing out the baby with the bathwater is what many are suggesting. I believe that having buddies who the only thing in common is the drinking is what people are warning others about. I had a few like that, who I never outside the bar or tavern, nor did I necessarily want to. But get us liquored up and all was well.
You're right though - we have to be judicious who we hang out with and where we hang out. If drinking was just one of the many things you did with friends, then I don't see why you couldn't hang out with them still - would be silly to pitch them. True friends, as noted, will support you no matter what.
Having good friends around us while we recover...that doesn't happen to all of us, so consider yourself blessed in that regard.
Congrats on the 21 days!
You're right though - we have to be judicious who we hang out with and where we hang out. If drinking was just one of the many things you did with friends, then I don't see why you couldn't hang out with them still - would be silly to pitch them. True friends, as noted, will support you no matter what.
Having good friends around us while we recover...that doesn't happen to all of us, so consider yourself blessed in that regard.
Congrats on the 21 days!
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I think this is a good idea, but I think you should be mindful of the situation. I haven't given up any of my friends since I entered sobriety. In fact, I went out of my way trying to do the same activities as them (clubs, bars, happy hours etc..) to prove I wasn't different. In the end I realized these activities didn't make me as happy as they used to, because the central focus was drinking. I still hang out with them, but I pick what activities I want to do that I truly will enjoy. Occasionally, I'll hit even up the bar with them, because they play really good music, but I will not be there every weekend like I was back in the drinking days.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: The Hills of Pennsylvania
Posts: 28
This has been a tough one for me. I have come to realize that drinking was one of the main ways I connected with 'friends'. I love my friends.
Yet I also learned over the years that while I don't need to avoid places where my friends are drinking, being there tends to make me feel 'unconnected', and funky thinking typically follows.
So I still hangout, but far less frequently and typically in low key settings (e.g., dinner) versus throw downs around the camp fire with guitars and copious amounts of beer and whiskey. I just have no good reason being there.
Yet I also learned over the years that while I don't need to avoid places where my friends are drinking, being there tends to make me feel 'unconnected', and funky thinking typically follows.
So I still hangout, but far less frequently and typically in low key settings (e.g., dinner) versus throw downs around the camp fire with guitars and copious amounts of beer and whiskey. I just have no good reason being there.
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