NewxYork

I'am on my tenth day of sobriety after GOD knows how many relapses. Around this period I start to feel a bit healthier and stronger.

But it is almost as if my addiction is trying to talk me into believing I can handle just one drink. As crazy as it sounds it is almost like a voice saying "Remember that time...it was so fun", "You were so responsible that night..." and the worst "Don't you remember how good it felt".

I remember after being sober for 9 months these memories wouldn't even pop into my head but it feels like I'm having a debate with my addiction now trying to remember HORRIBLE alcohol experiences which kind of depress me.

Anyone experience this battle within and what to do when it feels like your addiction is winning?

JasonMarchelak

YES and another big YES! I can tell you the amount of relapses I have had at the thought of believing I can handle just a few, it never works that way for me now. Now I realise after all the pain and s*** alcohol put me through and everyone around me I can safely say when I have those thought's I say NO because 1 is too many and 10 isn't enuff! I am a binge drinker so once I start GAME OVER and then I experience the deep regret and pain of withdrawal when I stop! It is a little devil on your shoulder and he is a patient BASTA*** to catch you off guard and you take that drink, he is sitting there waiting for any part of weakness to delve straight in and get you back to the pain and misery that having one will be good. Yes early drinking was fun but now it isnt for me and The good times I look back I dont supress them I look back and say that was then but this is now this is the reality if I pick up 1 drink, I will lose control and possibly everything I have once again and Im too young for all that crap! Whatever you do Dont listen to that voice in your head reminding you of the good times remember its short term gain for long term pain!

MadameX

See drinking was no longer fun for me. It became a sedative. Whenever i feel stressed now instead of drinking i hit the gym or do something else I like to keep me occupied. Try keeping busy with something you enjoy. And instead of remembering that temporary buzz, remember the aftermath of sickness it leaves you with. So not worth it

SoberDan

look up AVRT int the secular connections it will help you deal with that voice in the head it not crazy it just your alcohol monster, it is a great tool to use. I am in AA and I still use Avrt when my beast reminds me about drinking. good luck

Dee74

Posting and reading here regularly was a great way for me to counter the thoughts

I found it much harder to downplay my problem or to convince myself that 'one would be ok' when I was reading of others struggles and posting about my own....

Do you have any support besides SR NewxYork?

D

NewxYork

No, Just SR for now I want to be able to go to something like AA on a strong foundation of at least 1 month

Dee74

your call - don't hesitate to look sooner if you think you need it though
Backup is always good to have

D

David 1

When you feel like your addiction is winning, go to meetings. Or as Dee said, be proactive and develop a sobriety program with plenty of support and stick with it.

Dave

BillyPilgrim

I used to come here and post on the forums, or on the blogs if my addiction was strong

It worked, try it, someone is always here to listen and help, we have all been there

freshstart57

You are describing the split every addict experiences - 'I feel so much better without alcohol, I know I need to quit drinking for good, but'.....And that is where the excuses and lies come in, each one of them perfectly tailored especially for us to pick up a drink again.

There is a very useful model of addiction that describes exactly what you are experiencing and it involves the understanding that our fears, emotions, survival drives, and pleasure centers in our brains all reside in the lower more primitive parts. This part of the brain is called the limbic system and it first evolved in dinosaurs and then lizards and is found in all critters more complex than lizards including us. This limbic brain is the part that craves that buzz and oblivion, not our incredibly powerful and plastic cortex and neocortex parts of our brain.

How is this useful? It is useful because it explains that we can overcome our urge to drink by understanding that these lies come from the voice of our addiction, and that these thoughts are empty of any ability to force our actions. That control of our actions lies with our thinking brain, and we get to choose whether we stay sober for good. We can take control by simply recognizing the nature of these urges and where they come from.

This idea gets a lot of discussion in our Secular Connections forum. Look for posts with AVRT or Addictive Voice Recognition Technique in their titles.

LexieCat

It helps me to acknowledge that sometimes I DID have fun while drinking. I don't think it's necessary to exaggerate the problems that eventually developed as a result of drinking. The key is not to over-romanticize it.

Now that I've got some distance from my last drink four and a half years ago, I remember some fun times when I was drinking without longing to drink again. That's because I now know I can have just as much fun without it. AND without the negative consequences that eventually went along with it. It's hard to see those things clearly when you are newly sober, and when you haven't yet learned to have the same kind of relaxing fun you used to have while drinking.

It also helped me to remember I had some crazy fun times as a kid, way before I ever picked up my first drink. Thus, I knew I was capable of it--it's a matter of remembering how to do it.

Ohio1

I can definitely identify with this issue. I used to love fancy drinking events like wine tastings and culinary conventions and had some great times at them- now looking back its hard not to think about the good glasses of wine and the classy company with real nostalgia. I really have to play that tape through to the end though- I always ended up wasted in a trashy dive bar slamming shots of Yukon Jack. On top of that my fun classy events were few and far between, most of my drinking was done alone in front of the T.V.

caboblanco

you can do anything you do drunk when sober. This feeling you have I have too but it is definatly getting better over time as I realize you can actually have more fun sober a lot of the time. If you go out at nights with friends you will become the designated driver and the one who takes care of the drunk people. this can be a drag but you don't have to hang out with party animals all the time. I thought I couldn't "loosen up" without a few drinks but I'm finding that's just a myth. I can bust a move sober just fine

AlisonW

As Ohio1 said, I find it's helping me to "play the tape through to the end"... sure, there were fun occasions of drinking, or times when the first few hours were fun... but ending up sick, throwing up, hungover, making an ass of myself, worrying about what I'd said or done, if I'd called/texted/emailed someone and what I might have said, trying to put the pieces together after a blackout, and ultimately, as I did, getting a DWI - none of that was any fun. And those instances - sometimes few and far between - that were fun, are not worth the risk of experiencing the negatives that seemed to happen more and more...

paul99

Ah yes, the good ol' times...when alcohol did for us what we couldn't do for ourselves...made us taller, better looking, funnier, more charming, braver, more confident, etc. All fabrications - a facade. Because after the booze wore off, there I was, alone with my old, boring, tired self again. So while there may have been some times where I didn't end up in some sort of turmoil, most often than not the mess left behind was getting worse and worse.

The "remember when" fantasy is like taking a big photo of our drinking lives, good and bad, and just zooming in more and more on the fun parts, excluding the other stuff. Eventually, we try to convince ourselves that the picture only was those fun times. Those whispers from my alcoholism is something that I dismiss when they come up. It's how I react to them that's important.

What helps to keep me on track is going to meetings, coming here, working with newcomers and remembering what it's like out there still. I might get further and further from that last drunk, but I can still see around me the destruction that alcohol brings.

change96

I had that battle until I honestly remembered my past. For me it was atleast 10 to 12 years ago that I had a good time drinking! All the rest of the time I woke up every morning stressing about what I might have said or done. Then once work was over I had a drink so I would quit worrying about it and the cycle began again. Sounds kind of stupid I know, that is just my story.

Fallow

This got me thinking about this:

Theres this guy in a meeting I go to sometimes who says 'Im the type of guy whos gonna start going to the gym just as soon as I get in shape.'

And yes I relate to thinking I can handle it this time. Remembering the fun and leaving the rest. I do the same when I think about my ex girlfriends. Theres a reason we are not together anymore.

soberlicious

NewxYork,
Hi as other have said, what you are experiencing is your Addictive Voice. I second the suggestion of reading about AVRT. Instead of battling, fighting against, which is not sustainable, you can learned to dismiss that voice. You can see it for what it is and be like "whatev..." since you know that everything the voice says has but one goal...and all it does is talk stupid riduclous sh*t toward that goal. If you heard a person constantly suggesting that stuff to you, you'd be like, "What a freakin' moron", roll your eyes, and walk away. You can learn to do the same with the AV. Over time it will definitely come around less. Like almost never.

NewxYork

Thank you all for your replies, I been reviewing the AVRT discussion, I hope I do recognize my voice soon. I just hope it's not like a scenario of studying for a test and blanking out when it's exam time. I hope when the time comes I can simply brush off the urge rather then feeling like I'm wrestling a bear.

LexieCat

Heh, I always say I'm gonna hire a housekeeper as soon as I can get my house cleaned up. Literally true, I'm sorry to say.