bigsombrero

So I'm almost 8 months sober. I've heard a year of sobriety is a good standard to use to start dating again.

I've been single since my recovery, traveled abroad, made significant progress, but I still have a lot of work to do. I am working on a project for a new job, attending some conventions for additional job opportunities, and overall feeling good most of the time.

The problem is that I live alone. Most of my good friends are married and/or have kids, so hanging out with them is a rarity, not because of alcohol but because they are just typically not available. My only social interaction comes from AA meetings and the occasional small-talk with cafe baristas and neighbors...just "hi, howya doin'" type stuff.

I want someone to talk to, to sit down and have coffee with, and just talk about normal things. Politics, sports, where's the best place to get new shoes, just regular ****. I feel like I'm in need of an alcohol-free social companion. Plus, I'm getting a little eager to, ya know, dust off some rust in the old bedroom. I'm sorry, but it's true!

So I joined match.com. Looked for only alcohol-free women, and actually started talking to a girl and now she wants to meet up. I've sort of realized already that this might not be a good idea - she probably wants a relationship, a boyfriend, etc. I just want someone to talk to....but I don't mind a bit of romance and if it came to that I'd be totally up for doing the horizontal mambo. I haven't had sober sex in YEARS, people.

So what to do? Should I continue to avoid relationships with women for now? I certainly don't have it in me to take on any of their problems or issues. Then again I think it would be good for me, to be with someone else and start "normalizing" my social life and expanding it a little.

Is this a trap for me? Or would it be good to see an alcohol-free woman for some human interaction and possible naughty time? Aargh!

freshstart57

A trap? For heavens' sake. Get out there with yo fine self.

Gal220

Congrats on your sober time! That first year can be really tough, which is why a lot of people suggest not making any major life changes in this time. Also, sick people tend to attract sick people. But I think only you can really decide if you're ready for a relationship. If you are happy in your sobriety, happy with who you are, I say go for it.

You don't say what recovery program (if any) you're using, so feel free to disregard. I personally am in AA, and I've heard in AA that it's much better to wait until you've completed the steps. I can attest to this from personal experience!

I think it's really important also to examine my motives when I do anything. Why do I want a relationship? Am I just trying to fill a void? Am I unhappy with myself and hoping someone else can fix it? Am I unhappy with my sobriety/job/family/life and hoping for a distraction? Am I just bored? Am I just hoping for sex? These all point to my selfish desires. On the other hand, am I happy with myself and my life? Do I really and truly want a relationship because I care about the other person and want to see them happy?

I don't see anything wrong with casual dating, which (forgive me if I misunderstood) I think is what you're talking about here. As long as you're honest about your intentions and expectations, of course!

soberlicious

I would agree with Freshstart. I don't think it's a trap. Desiring human interaction is normal, desiring sex is normal. As with any relationship, good communication is essential...that goes for anything from FWB to marriage. You quit drinking to enjoy your life right? You know when you're ready to get your groove on.

aasharon90

In recovery for the past 22 yrs, Ive learned
so much about my addiction to alcohol and
how it affects my body, mind and soul as well
as given or provided with many wonderful
tools of recovery to use and incoperate in
my everyday life and affairs.

I take those tools and knowledge seriously
and work them cautiously and positively in
most all I do, say and feel in life.

For me, i was married 25 yrs. with 2 awesome
talented, loving kids whom are grown and
gone living life to the best of their ability. My
marriage eventually ended due to unbalance,
lack of proper communication and misunderstanding
of my recovery and its importance in my life
and together as a family.

When I didnt have that connection with my family,
we became unbalanced in our family unit. My marriage
lacked that component to keep my husband and
I together as one. My family found it hard to
communicate recovery because i was the only
one with the knowledge of alcoholism where
the rest of the family didnt seem to need to
know it and they went on with their lives not
skipping a beat.

Today im remarried almost 4 yrs to someone
who is also in recovery. Having someone who
knows about alcoholism and is an alcoholic in
recovery makes my marriage balanced. We both
know the importance of what recovery means
to us and how it plays an important role in our
recovery lives.

There's no guessing why one says or acts the
way they do, because we realize it is part of
an alcoholics life in recovery. I believe it takes
an alcoholic to know an alcoholic. Having recovery
incommon is a bond between us and today I
dont feel alone or misunderstood.

Relationships are fine in recovery as long as
a program of recovery is incoperated in our
everyday affairs. It's a healthier way of life
to be enjoyed for years to come.

bigsombrero

Family union, long-time partnerships, children, relationships - all important. But not for me just yet. Thanks for the response though!

paul99

I think only you can answer this. You don't want to take anything on, emotionally, and yet you think that expanding your social horizons and getting into "normal" situations might be helpful to you. Unless you're looking for FWB's, then you're going to be taking something on.

I understand where you're at, but it's your call. It sounds like you're ready to move on, but there is fear. And that's normal. As for this woman, you're making assumptions about what she's looking for. Grab a coffee - get out there. There doesn't have to be anything else after that if you don't want.

Cheers!

caboblanco

naughty time is good for the soul

LadyinBC

I think people should do what is best for them. As long as you are upfront and honest that is all that matters.

For me I've been 6 months sober and have no desire to date or get into a relationship, but that is just me. I just want to work on myself for now. Something I never did before!

bigsombrero

Thanks, that kind of hit the target for me.

bigsombrero

Whoops, I didn't mean to post that to you. Sorry!

bigsombrero

This reply really hit the target for me. Thank you.

vegibean

Just remember that the girl your going out with has feelings, make sure you're on the same page please. I started dating a guy who was struggling and when he wasn't sure of how he felt he gave me the boot. I understood, but it really hurt bad for a long time for me. I got over it, moved on, dated again and then met my current bf that I have been with for over two years.

That guy is still pining for me after he's decided that he's ready. It's kind of too late now... Just be careful.

FlowersJasmine

Hi,
I suggest that you get in to a sober relationship, someone you can confide in, someone who can keep you busy and someone who can help you avoid alcohol. If you do not do this, my fear is that you may resort to Mr. alcohol for companionship and this may be suicidal. Watch out!

bigsombrero

Yes, I did say that I am only searching for alcohol-free companions. Dating a drinker is not something I'll rule out forever, but today I know that I can only be with alcohol-free women, no exceptions.

Db1105

It's a general suggestion for those new to recovery is to avoid a relationship for the first year. It is just a suggestion, though a good one. It's best concentrating on recovery than on a relationship. I would think "dating" after a few months is part of the recovery process.

MadameX

I honestly cant remember what it feels like to go on a date without a drink in my sysystem. It relaxed me and made me outgoing. But in the back of my mind i use to wonder if they could tell i was buzzed at times im sure they could although i was never told. But the thought of dating sober now terrifies me. At this stage in my recovery and maybe yours since its less than a year its probably wisest to fovus on yourself rather than get sidetracked with someone else.

bigsombrero

I was going to write a long reply MadameX, but to sum it up: I think you are right. Best make sure I get myself in order first, I've got plenty to work on as it is.

Thanks