Tetra

Why do I let other people's opinions use up so much of my energy? Yesterday, my dad and I were chatting and I told him that I wanted to travel after I finish my postgraduate studies. His response was that "wanting to travel is a form of running away and you should be looking for work closer to home". Today, my therapist also upset me. I told him how I was feeling and he said "it's clear that you are dependent on your parents and that you resent them for it, even though they took you in". He also had a go at me for not attending AA. He told me straight out that he thinks I will relapse, and that I WILL relapse, unless I attend AA. I wish I had the strength to look him in the eyes and say "well I think you are wrong". Instead, I could feel tears in my eyes. I wish I had the strength to say to my dad "well I think you are wrong". When my mum starts screaming at me that I am a drunk loser and she is ashamed of me, I wish I had the courage to say "well I disagree with you". I don't know why it is so difficult for me to stand up for myself.

David10

Sounds to me like you have an anxious personality and so avoid being confrontational. There is nothing wrong with that. Just say to whoever thanks for your opinion I'll take it on board then just go and do whatever you feel is right. Other peoples opinion do not matter so don't let it get to you so much.

Rosiepetal

Your selfworth is not measured by what other people think of you.
As the days go by you will get stronger & be able to respond in a different way.

freshstart57

Hi, Tetra, thanks for sharing that situation of yours here. I think your therapist either
1). Knows some deep profound internal truth of yours that would make that statement about AA helpful, or
2). Needs more information about addiction and successful treatment of it.

For example, does he know that in a longitudinal study of 40,000 alcoholics, that 75 % of them quit drinking without AA or any formal program? Does he know about the varied alternatives to 12 step programs?

I am sorry that you are being treated in this way by those whom you trust, Tetra. You most certainly can quit drinking any way you please. Maybe it is time to show him what stuff you are made of.

I believe in you, Tetra. Believe in yourself. Keep posting here, OK? Best to you.

Hollyanne

I do go to AA Tetra.
But, maybe you could suggest to your counsellor, that for now, YOU choose to not attend AA.
You would like to continue to work on your issues with him.
If he keeps on at you about AA, explain that as the patient/client, that is not helping at this time.
You might attend a group from your local rehab. Does he have any other recommendations for group support?
Are you secure in your decision to be a NON-drinker?
Why not AA?
Did you have a bad experience?
Is your mother influencing this decision?
You are in college? Do they have an AA group?
Just as long as it is for the right reasons, you choose not to.

Hollyanne

By the way, moving back in with your parents might be unhelpful at this point.
Can you get a cheap room rental somewhere? Get a part-time job?

Dee74

Tetra - I spent many years measuring my self worth by what other people thought of me...I also spent a lot of years avoiding conflict.

The longer I stay in recovery, the better I know myself and the more I know whats right for me - and the more I find the courage to tell people, quietly but firmly, exactly that

keep moving in the right direction

D

sugarbear1

We are sensitive.

Those two resentments can harm us as resentments are our number one offender.....no one can upset me without me having to look at my role in the situation.

soberlicious

Tetra, nothing is wrong with you, you just haven't had a lot of practice being assertive. It is scary at first, but start small, matter of factly stating where you stand on things. If people are not used to you doing this, it will not be well received at first, but that's ok. It will take time, but you can teach people how to treat you. and even though you don't believe it, you actually do have the courage...it's there inside you, finding it when you need it is the skill to learn. Practice...one small interaction at a time...

2granddaughters

Time will tell who's right and who's wrong.

How long have you been dry and how did you do it?

All the best.

Bob R

TheEnd

Seems like most of your problems are rooted in what other people think, mainly about your drinking. It seems you want to tell people they are wrong, but it appears you don't have the confidence at this point. Probably because you don't want to be proven wrong in the end. Here is a strategy. Don't say anything. There is no need to say anything, because people want to see action. Words are empty without action anyway. So just keep living your life, go to school, stay sober and if you continue to do that, you will hear less and less of the peanut gallery. Don't even validate their comments with a comment.

And yes you can stay sober without AA, if "you" believe it is possible. Read a lot about addition and alcoholism, make yourself knowledgable. Know what you are up against. Read "Beyond the Influence", "Being Sober Sucks", "Living Sober", "Moment of Clarity". These stories will give you background information about your problem and how other people got through it. Good Luck.

FeelingGreat

I like David's idea of having a set reply of a neutral kind as saying nothing can be a bit stressful if you're a bit anxious (like I am too). If you keep repeating it they'll soon give up!
A lot of things people say come from their own insecurities and thought processes and you can take it with a grain of salt. I don't go to AA, although I believe it can be fantastic for some people, even just to meet others who have similar problems or experiences. It could strengthen you against negative feedback.
Keep on going and try to live as positively as you can; not just reacting to others but making your own way.

Hopeworks

Who exactly did a "study" and by what standard did they determine who was alcoholic and how do they know they actually "quit drinking" and for how long? And in my experience even those who "quit drinking" still are often very screwed up dysfunctional individuals as alcoholism is often a symptom of much deeper problems or dual diagnosis.

Studies can "prove" anything if there is a bias in those reporting what are alleged facts and we need to use care when sharing info like this because alcoholism can be life and death.

I would love a link to this study to see how exactly they developed these stats because I am highly skeptical at this point... thanks in advance!

jazzfish

I am also very influenced by what other people think of me. I am a real people pleaser and also a confrontation avoider. I have found that one of the most useful things is for people to tell me things I adamantly disagree with until I get angry enough to stand up for myself. It is something I need much more than people blindly agreeing with me (which I do NOT consider good support). I have gotten much better about this as I have aged (now 46) but I am not perfect yet. I seemed to be missing out on some confidence or technique that is really convincing to people when I say no.

Hopeworks

Tetra,

I am going to give you the "other side of the coin" and a different point of view that comes from being a mom and someone who loves alcoholics... and I mean that sincerely.

While you have shared that your relationship with your parents is troubled I think you know that they do love and care about you. They have supported you by taking you back into their home while you are going to school. I am sure there were times of great disappointment and stress when you were actively drinking.

We are all broken.. all of us. No one is perfect. None. Some of us are more broken than others and in different ways. Your mother has issues and it is unfortunate that we cannot choose our parents or relatives!

You are stuck with them until you graduate. Just like some of us were stuck with our dysfunctional and even cruel parents. My dad used to shoot guns at us when he was drunk! Killed my pet in front of my eyes by running it over several times. I was traumatized repeatedly as a child!

But the crazy baR$%$ loved me in his twisted, sociopathic way. Not comforting entirely but it is what is. I survived and am still working on me 40 years later.

But even my crazy dad was right about some things. He taught me a lot of stuff that has helped me in my businesses and in life. You eat the hay and spit out the straw.

Your parents and your therapist think you would benefit from AA. They all know you far better than we do as you are just typing a few sentences on a computer screen!

You are paying the therapist for her/his opinion that she has after years of schooling and practical experience. You are living with your parents and have an ongoing relationship with them as they provide for you a place to live.

I think these three people have earned a place at the table. I think that we all make deposits and withdrawals from our emotional bank account.

I personally think AA is a wonderful program that does not harm... ever! Is it for everyone? No. Is it for you? I don't know. I don't think you really know without sticking a toe in the water.

So... lets see. You can refuse to listen to their solicited (therapist) and unsolicited (parents) and maybe you will stay sober (I saw where you bought a bottle of wine not long ago and drank a glass and then purged it and threw the rest away).

Maybe you will relapse. The odds are that you will if we use statistics as a guide.

Or... you have 4 or 5 months until you move out of your parents after graduation.

What if you went to your mom and dad and said "You know I don't think AA is the answer for me but I respect your opinion and that you raised me all of my life. I thank you for your support of my recovery and giving me a place to live. So... I am going to give an AA a try and will go to meeting ___ times a week and give it a try."

YOu will have made a deposit in your parents emotional bank account. Your mom may even smile and thank you. Don't think she doesn't get it that you don't like her or respect her... the undercurrents of real feelings is felt.

And in 4 or 5 months of spending a few hours or even an hour a week you will know if it is a path you want to continue you on.

How can we know what we don't know? We can't.

I can tell you I was an AA critic. blah, blah, blah. That was me. But in the end my XA tried EVERYTHING... and I mean everything. Every drug, every therapy... everything.

Over 19 arrests all alcohol related. Almost died several times with alcohol over doses. 5 residential treatment programs. Hated AA. Hated it.

He is real alcoholic of the hopeless variety. He takes a drink and he goes psycho until he hits a jail cell or a hospital bed.

He is sober today. Drivng a Lexus and has a great job. He was in a jail cell sleeping on concrete 3 months ago after a 4 month binge cross country.

He is sober today because an old friend who has 30 years sober took him in and I got him a ticket to the city he is in. He got off the plane drunk (24 hours out of jail after 3O days detox).

He sobered him up and got him in the rooms of AA. His life is changed...for now. If he leaves AA and goes back to his "old thinking" he will drink. I know this and he knows this.

So thats my story. The love of my life is now sober and 3000 miles away getting better every day...he is growing spiritually and is a better person. I am not getting back together with him as I am no longer willing to take the risk that he will relapse but I have promised him a fancy date in some exotic locale when he is one year sober!

What have you got to lose? What have got to gain? Maybe nothing. Maybe it will save your life.

You cannot know what you don't know... so go find out! And give mom a big kiss and dad a hug. You can change relationship dynamics by deposits in emotional bank accounts! The best way to cut off meanness is by being loving back... when you mom says something cutting go up to her and hug her real hard and say mom I love you even when you say things that cut me deeply.

Unconditional love is impossible to resist... try it!

seanie1888

Powerful post hopeworks.

Tetra,
I just got back into AA, tried it a year ago and said the usual bla bla bla not for me, can't get it etc
Truth was I thought I alone could control it, well I was wrong.
I'm back at it and loving it because this time I really listened.

Working the steps will leave you being able to sort all this sh*t out with your parents esp mum.
As others have said what you got to lose.
And also if you do travel you will always have a family in them rooms that you can fall back on and talk to any where in the world.
Hope things pick up
Sean

Fernaceman

I have measured my happiness on what others think of me for a long time. I know it's not the right way to think, but it still happens. It creates so much internal chaos and resentment that it's poisonous. I then hate myself even more for thinking that way regardless of how right/wrong it is to do. It's vicious.

So what do I do about it? I do a recovery program. They say if you do this things will eventually get better. They seem to be, so I believe them. It's hard and it sucks sometimes, but I'm not drinking or using drugs. Things couldn't and weren't getting better with drugs and alcohol in my life.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, great question.

If it was easy, being ourselves, it wouldn't amount to anything of importance, you know?! Billions of individuals all living the life as they best know it, doing what they each believe is right with themselves, or else failing in their efforts to get it done.

Success and failure are experiences we are best to warmly embrace and take to heart, with an open mind, and an eye to our own happiness and quality of life.

Difficulty in standing up and being ourselves is not the problem that I work on when taking my stand. I really don't look at the difficulties much except to notice how they play into my larger experience of being successful with my efforts to be myself. Its all about quality over quantity. A few well chosen personal private victories are worth much more then otherwise proving to anybody else your inherent worth. Everyone is very busy getting on with their own lives whether they know it or not, and its not really productive for me to think I'm not busy in the same way too....

Instead of framing the question as a difficulty/problem, why not try to ask of yourself this: why is it **so easy to intimately know for myself** when I'm not being my best self for whatever situation is before me...?!

Don't throw yourself under the bus, it only hurts and it dosen't make anything better. Let yourself be your best friend going forward. Trust your own counsel, your own instincts, your own experiences. As you practice learning about who you are, you'll also learn how to trust others in turn.

Best wishes, Tetra!

Mark75

Well, if you don't like his professional advice, why keep paying' him? Find someone who will tell you what you think is true.



This is not about AA or not AA or this study or this other study, or whatever... This is a doctor-patient relationship... yours... That is privileged... No one here at SR can know what your therapist knows, about you, about his professional experience and training...

Follow his advice, or not. But you don't need to confront him or complain that you don't like his treatment plan... find another therapist.

BTW... if you have a plan and the means... by ALL means... go travel about for a while... My two oldest sons after they graduated school went on a 6 month adventure and I was happy to help them in any way that I could, though I did ask that they pay their own way as much as they could ... I wish I had done that!

jazzfish

He may be trying to steer you toward that outcome. My dad was a professor and would always send his students back to revise their thesis. Always. They were never finished until they believed they were finished and asserted no more revisions were necessary. He made them believe in themselves. There is no magic in any program of recovery - simply don't drink and believe in what that particular program asks you to do.