Pataphor

an excuse for not doing much else?

Just came back from a meeting...after reading and posting on SR...came home
and got back online.

I'm not doing this (I am speaking of this moment only) because I am white knuckling.

I just don't feel like doing anything else. I don't know if I could justify this kind of time dedication though..to whom? I guess to me?

Dee74

well, I couldn't do much else when I quit.

If you feel you could do more tho - and those expectations are reasonable - what do you think is holding you back Pataphor?

D

LexieCat

I found that early recovery took a lot out of me, in terms of energy and concentration. At my best, I'm a lousy multi-tasker. I cut myself a lot of slack those first few months, doing only what I HAD to do.

Let's face it, you did accomplish something significant today--you stayed sober and did some things to support your continued sobriety. That shouldn't be discounted, IMO.

fini

Pataphor,
i didn't use it as an excuse for anything: i immersed myself in it as if it were my number one priority. which is exactly what it was

i was totally excited about it and jumped into my "home forum" with both feet and read every book i could get my hands on and nothing else for quite a while.
but no, i didn't use it in order to avoid something else.

served me well, that initial absorption.

Pataphor

Hey Dee47 - your posts make me think...thank you, I need more practice.

Just came back from walking the dog even though its freezing.

what is holding me back?

I am normally a pretty severe task master (out of fear I suppose).
So days are over-crammed with to do's.
I can never do enough.

at the meeting I went to today someone talked about something and i started to compare (bad) then i realized that it had happened to me in the past and I FORGOT.

My recovery feels like that - yesterday I spent the day helping my friend with cancer go to appt and such. and got a lot of chores done, ect...
but I forget that I did anything, or it feels like I'm not doing anything.
oh no I sound like I am one of those awfullizers (sp.)

Xune

No.

The world around me, my commitments and responsibilities continued...only I was sober.

In treatment would have changed all that, but that wasn't my case.

hypochondriac

I feel like you on this Pataphor. I feel like I use my recovery as an excuse to do f a, and I have a good track record at this seeing as I used to use everything else as an excuse to drink. The overriding feeling is one of guilt though. I feel guilty for not doing all the stuff I think I should be doing. I'm a hard taskmaster too. I have felt less guilty as time goes by though. I put a lot of pressure on myself early on but now I just feel lucky to have got through a lot of difficult stuff sober. All I have to do now is not drink and keep moving forwards x

Dee74

Ok...I definitely identify with that LOL - maybe it's good to step back though and reflect on what you've been through lately?

It;s not too much of a stretch to say you've been through a war - albeit a war with yourself - your mind and body need some time to rest up and heal.

I think it's ok to be gentle on yourself for a while

D

LexieCat

True--I think I overcompensated in the "to do" department while I was drinking to make sure I didn't screw anything up.

Let's face it--our whole routines (and the rest of our worlds) are shaken up when we get sober. Things will gradually fall into place as they should.

pheona123

I think just BEING is important in the beginning (and always really). The feeling of restlessness/ guilt I have at times I think is related to the drastic changes I have made in my life.

Itchy

Pata,
Boy can I relate. I had a million things I had procrastinated on when I was drinking and then had done half vast! I had the memory issues for a few months but they cleared up. I was a bit overwhelmed because I found that everything I had done really needed to be redone, all my little projects. So I started in my workshop and would go to my other outbuilding to get something and get engrossed there on something entirely different then go back to the workshop when I realized I had walked away with one half done. So one top of felling i had to redo a lot of things around the property, now I was afraid I had Alzheimer's until I found out for us really heavy drinkers it is often temporary but scary for those of us that get it. Now bear in mind I had my doc with me the whole way so I knew it was OK but everyone with serious memory issues needs to get their checked out professionally by their local MD-eity.

Anyway I trusted in here and those who had gone before me and stopped freaking out over it at one month to three and just let it go! I would start one place, then go to another to get something, then go back to another project. Some of the ones i was less motivated to get done I found easy just letting myself go with the flow. Now bear in mind I am retired early so I was doing this all day. I have several acres in the country so had plenty to keep me and my tractors and equipment busy. I quit two years ago. Now I realize it is out of sight out of mind and my SH (wife- I call her my Significant harassment, she calls me her techno-twit)) is OK with my leaving something out by the front door or on the table so I remember to finish it the next day. Now I am back to normal, needing to do lists like I have since my early life and career.

Get the picture? Stay sober, go with the flow, and go in circles if that works for you. But don't get overwhelmed, that takes all the fun out of it.
Some things I don't do anymore for a variety of reasons. Including and not limited to climbing trees drunk with a chain saw for winter pruning, and pulling stumps with chains drunk, which should have snapped and decapitated me. My tractor does not have ROP or a cab with overhead or back protection.

It took me a year almost two to start back with consulting part time, and to find some direction again. But I have always found that I have to seek before I can find. Sometimes I had to look in a lot of places before I found it. And dang if it wasn't always in the last place I'd look!

I am lucky to be here letting it be, and alcohol free.

courage2

Thanks for this useful thread. It contains lots of stuff I need to hear today. I don't have acres -- I have 625 sq ft in the city -- but you'd be amazed how much time you can spend walking back & forth to the kitchen when you keep forgetting why you went there!

soberclover

This thread is a good reminder for me tonight to be gentle with myself in early recovery. I am hurt and angry right now at my significant other; I'm not used to dealing with my relationship issues sober. I am experiencing a lot of "first times" now in my early recovery and it is exhausting. I, too, find myself all over the place and trying to remember something or remember what I was going to do. I know things will get better. I also know that I will not drink tonight despite being hurt and angry!

Pataphor

Itchy -thank you - thank you for recognizing the spinning out.

Stumps and chainsaws...we have an acre we farm...organic gardening for me was glass in one hand and picking (grasping for the name of that nasty beatle...smelly...flat....kills...crap going to have to wicki) - Squash bug (Hurray, I remember!). Any hoo - glass in one hand and squash bug squashing with the other for hours...no mind, glass is full just need ice. I used to love the mindless repetitive tasks that let me stay stupefied.

Going in circles, like you said...the fun part, well your right might as well laugh at it. What else can I do. Being gentle with "me" is a mighty challenge.
forever onward soldiers...

Forlily

How can you change this behavior and still recover. Just a thought, but maybe its okay to focus only on recovery for a while and incorporate productivity in later?

Fernaceman

I can sometimes feel the desire to not do anything...but for me at least that plays into my extreme learned helplessness role...I want everything but don't want to work to achieve it. Desire to be taken care of permanently. Keeping busy and forcing myself sometimes to do things helps.

It's all about making new, healthy habits. I really didn't and to an extent still don't know how to live a "normal" sober life. So any task whatsoever seems daunting and exhausting if I let it.

subztance

Push through

Your doing good

reducedquality

I'm on my tenth day and I've been laying pretty low myself. Laying low and not spraying cash at the bar and going to restaurants. Very nice though, I love the mornings.

paul99

Sobriety / recovery is a life-changing, life-saving thing. I used to be exhausted when I drank - not just the physical feelings (those were bad enough on their own), but the mental gymnastics involved - where was I going to get my next bottle? Where was I going to hide it? How was I going to get rid of the empties on the sly? When will I drink next? What lies do I have to remember to cover up the old lies? How will I plan my day so that I drink the most? etc, etc. And being newly sober, I was exhausted because I wasn't doing all those mental gymnastics. I was learning to live an entirely new way of life - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Doing a complete 360 while flaming out a million miles a minute is hard to do. I needed time to do it. I had been asked to leave the matrimonial house, was jobless and living in a basement apt. I had all the ample time to work on my recovery...and that is what I did. But yeah, tiring. I would feel guilty for hitting a few meetings, maybe talking to my sponsor and grocery shopping and feeling spent. It's just a new way of living. It just takes time. At least for me it did. So be gentle on yourself. We all need(ed) to.