JIreland

Even from the title of this I am making myself depressed :p

I hate thinking depressing things..

I have been trying again to quit recently.
I have cut down a lot, but I am really hoping I don't go on the bad road again..

I was on anti-depression tablets (Long story, got attacked, lost position in fire brigade..a lot of time in hospital and turned back to drink)..

I stopped taking the tablets myself last year, but still drunk.
I don't take any tablets at all now, but I had some left over from last year.

I took 7.5mg Zopliclone last night, I had another 2 left and I am going to take them tonight.
I just got 2 hours sleep last night and I was wakening up so often.

I have started exercise again from yesterday.
I really want to drink again...I am feeling very bad because I heard my partner telling her friend she wants to be with someone else she met.

It is good in 1 way, making me quit drinking more, but also bad in the fact that I am soo annoyed.
We live together but have 2 bedrooms and I have been staying in mine since then.

I just want to sleep until the cravings go away and then work on my life once they do..not that easy though.

I really feel like **** about myself and life.

LexieCat

What have you tried in terms of support for your sobriety? Have you tried AA? The program has helped an awful lot of people go from depressed drunk to happy sobriety. It could be that you need some additional help to deal with the depression, but alcohol is a depressant, so continuing to drink really doesn't help.

JIreland

I was at AA..it was good, but I stopped going after my girlfriend phoned my sponsor (I didn't tell her I was going, I was drinking in private and trying to fix my problem in private)...I just lost the trust in AA when my sponsor told my girlfriend everything private that I shared.

I know, that can be an excuse, but I treat privacy in high regards and I just felt very let down that anyone could tell my thoughts.

Believe me, I know I am complaining a lot right now, I don't like to complain

A good sleep should help my mind sort everything else out.

2granddaughters

High enough regard not to get help ??!!

Did you talk to your sponsor about how you feel, ask why he would do that, tell him how hurt/disappointed you were?? What did he say?

Don't fall into that alcoholic "I'll show you, I'll kill me" mindset. Get back to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

LexieCat

I agree. I think it is the rare sponsor who would do something like that, and not a good reason not to go back. There are doctors who shouldn't be practicing, too, but most of us do not give up on the entire medical profession.

Let's face it, though, in addition to what your sponsor did to let you down, YOU were not working the program--you were drinking in secret and lying to everyone. So you really can't judge how effective it would be if you really WORKED it.

It's your right to continue to be miserable if you want to, but it sure seems worth doing what you can to change that.

Dee74

Hi again **

Maybe you should think about seeing your Dr again too - using leftover pills from last year might not be the best way to handle your depression this year, you know?

D

Xune

Taking a few pills here, a few pills there is ill advised. Go see your Doctor and provide full disclosure.

Johno1967

I'm surprised your sponsor broke anonymity like that. Very poor judgement. If you can go to AA do it. Remember to put your sobriety first. Without it you have no relationship anyway. Since going 12 Step I've completely overhauled my priorities. My faith in a higher power comes first. Its the foundation on which I live. Without it nothing else stands. Sobriety and working the steps comes second. Family comes third. I won't have a family or anything if I drink again. I'm the sole bread winner in the family so my job comes fourth, its only there to provide for my family. If I drink I lose my family, if I lose my job I'll get another one along the way.
You sound depressed. I suffered depression for years and still do after starting recovery. The 12 steps and talking to a therapist has helped me. Good luck mate. BTW I'm an EMT/Paramedic. I'm sorry you lost your job. Being in emergency service is a way of life, a passion. I cannot believe you were attacked and lost your job as a result so I can fully understand how sh*te things are with you. Believe me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong.

SSIL75

Welcome back J. Glad to see you again. I agree you should talk to your doc and get a good plan going to tackle your depression.