So Angry with Myself. Where is my motivation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
So Angry with Myself. Where is my motivation?
Hi everyone,
I was supposed to stop on January 1st. Didn't. Still haven't and it's halfway through the month What is WRONG WITH ME?
I have been drinking for a long, long, long time. I'm 50 and started as a teenager. I have stopped for short periods of time here and there but never for a super long period of time. It's a miracle I am not dead.
Now I feel like I really want to stop, but I don't really want to. How's that for clarity? I feel as if I've given up inside and that idea scares me. I am so depressed, have lost interest in doing anything. Drinking makes me feel warm and comfortable, but I know it's the world's biggest sham. I'm getting fatter by the second and feel as if I've lost my passion for life itself. I'm in debt up to my ears.
In my heart I do want to stop, for good, to change what is left of my life but I can't seem to find the motivation for some reason. What is happening to me? Where can I find motivation again and the desire to work hard at stopping this insanity? It has been a hard year with much loss, but that's all the more reason to turn things around, isn't it?
Can someone offer some words of advice? Something, anything, I can grab on to to help me out of this hole I have dug for myself?
I was supposed to stop on January 1st. Didn't. Still haven't and it's halfway through the month What is WRONG WITH ME?
I have been drinking for a long, long, long time. I'm 50 and started as a teenager. I have stopped for short periods of time here and there but never for a super long period of time. It's a miracle I am not dead.
Now I feel like I really want to stop, but I don't really want to. How's that for clarity? I feel as if I've given up inside and that idea scares me. I am so depressed, have lost interest in doing anything. Drinking makes me feel warm and comfortable, but I know it's the world's biggest sham. I'm getting fatter by the second and feel as if I've lost my passion for life itself. I'm in debt up to my ears.
In my heart I do want to stop, for good, to change what is left of my life but I can't seem to find the motivation for some reason. What is happening to me? Where can I find motivation again and the desire to work hard at stopping this insanity? It has been a hard year with much loss, but that's all the more reason to turn things around, isn't it?
Can someone offer some words of advice? Something, anything, I can grab on to to help me out of this hole I have dug for myself?
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
If willpower isn't working for you, get help. Counselling, AA, friends, & family all helped me get sober (just passed 5 years and really enjoying life). There is no shame in asking for help and you will be able to pass on your experience to others.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: NY State
Posts: 114
You are on that fence of denial.....your spirit wants to quit but the alcohol says no you don't. If you have stopped before, you know what to do.....don't pick up 1 drink 1 day at a time. You can't do it alone and Gravity has given you some great advice and tools to use to get some help. I drank 30 years and needed help to stop drinking. You have to make that decision to stop, because nothing changes, if nothing changes. Make a list of the pros and cons of drinking and then make a list of the pros and cons of not drinking.....see which is better. Sending prayers to you
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I have felt the exact same way at one point. At the end of the day I wanted to quit but didn't work on changing anything. I went out and got myself and drug and alcohol counsellor cause what I was doing wasn't working for me. I ccouldn't do it on my own.
At the end of the day for me it boiled down to two choices. I could choose not to drink or choose to drink. I choose not to. I tried to make things more simple and not complicate it, at the end of the day we have to change our thinking and they way we do things.
At the end of the day for me it boiled down to two choices. I could choose not to drink or choose to drink. I choose not to. I tried to make things more simple and not complicate it, at the end of the day we have to change our thinking and they way we do things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
It's confusing to decide to stop drinking for good and not be able to do that. Commonly alcoholics will explain that little inconvenient inconsistancy to themselves in some form. You've rationalized it's because you want to stop but secretly don't want to, thereby retaining the illusion of control over this thing.
It's often a learning process. What you can expect next is to stop for a while, which will prove in your mind that you did in fact want to stop back at the New Year and did that just fine, albeit a little off schedule. And you may miss the posts of those who did stop on their New Years day commitment and what happened after because it doesn't apply to you, a person who has stopped.
A tip that might be worthwhile in the long run is that most of the experience of the alcoholics you're reading here applies in one way or another.
It's often a learning process. What you can expect next is to stop for a while, which will prove in your mind that you did in fact want to stop back at the New Year and did that just fine, albeit a little off schedule. And you may miss the posts of those who did stop on their New Years day commitment and what happened after because it doesn't apply to you, a person who has stopped.
A tip that might be worthwhile in the long run is that most of the experience of the alcoholics you're reading here applies in one way or another.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
If you're like me it's a cycle. I used to wake up feeling death spread on a cracker, head pounding, mouth dry, eyes scratchy and bloodshot. For the first couple hours I'd cough and gag like I was gonna hurl. This was always the moment that I knew I had to quit drinking.
After a few hours my digestive system would wake up and I'd have a few bites. The haze would fall away to the point where I at least felt I was okay to drive to work.
Generally after a couple more hours I would start to feel okay. Maybe a few hours before I was off I'd start to feel like myself again. Of course, by this point I was already planning on getting drunk.
Most of us that drink for decades keep on drinking til we die or something forces us to stop. Looking back I'm not sure just what it was but I was struck by a bolt from the blue and during a moment of perfect clarity I suddenly understood that I was going to die from drinking. And by that I don't must mean I felt I would, I knew I would. In that moment I had to decide how I felt about that. For some reason I decided I wanted to live some more. That was three and a half months ago and I haven't had a drop since that moment.
I'm not sure what your "come to Jesus moment" will be. I can't even say how it happened for me. We all know intellectually that we're mortal and can't survive drinking like that but the time to quit is always later. Preferably much later.
For me AVRT was a great help. Google it if you're interested, I'm not allowed to link to it. It's a kind of cognitive behavior approach that focuses on recognizing the Addictive Voice. The hardest part is deciding you're never going to drink again and that you'll never change your mind. It's like standing at the door of the plane at 15,000 feet, parachute on your back. You can't take baby steps out of the plane, you either stay in it or you jump. It's hard to jump but it's the only way to be free.
I guess I drank for at least five years after I knew I had to stop simply because I didn't know if I had anything else to live for. Eventually the life I was clinging too wasn't enough; it was worth the risk to change because life wasn't worth living as things were.
But there's good news. If you're reading this it means you're still alive and breathing. That means there's still time to change. Do AVRT if it helps, try AA if you think that might help. But do something. Don't plan to do it later because later isn't a real time. You live in the now. You can only do things in the now.
Best of luck to you. SR is a great resource and support if you're trying to quit. Hopefully 2013 will be your year!
After a few hours my digestive system would wake up and I'd have a few bites. The haze would fall away to the point where I at least felt I was okay to drive to work.
Generally after a couple more hours I would start to feel okay. Maybe a few hours before I was off I'd start to feel like myself again. Of course, by this point I was already planning on getting drunk.
Most of us that drink for decades keep on drinking til we die or something forces us to stop. Looking back I'm not sure just what it was but I was struck by a bolt from the blue and during a moment of perfect clarity I suddenly understood that I was going to die from drinking. And by that I don't must mean I felt I would, I knew I would. In that moment I had to decide how I felt about that. For some reason I decided I wanted to live some more. That was three and a half months ago and I haven't had a drop since that moment.
I'm not sure what your "come to Jesus moment" will be. I can't even say how it happened for me. We all know intellectually that we're mortal and can't survive drinking like that but the time to quit is always later. Preferably much later.
For me AVRT was a great help. Google it if you're interested, I'm not allowed to link to it. It's a kind of cognitive behavior approach that focuses on recognizing the Addictive Voice. The hardest part is deciding you're never going to drink again and that you'll never change your mind. It's like standing at the door of the plane at 15,000 feet, parachute on your back. You can't take baby steps out of the plane, you either stay in it or you jump. It's hard to jump but it's the only way to be free.
I guess I drank for at least five years after I knew I had to stop simply because I didn't know if I had anything else to live for. Eventually the life I was clinging too wasn't enough; it was worth the risk to change because life wasn't worth living as things were.
But there's good news. If you're reading this it means you're still alive and breathing. That means there's still time to change. Do AVRT if it helps, try AA if you think that might help. But do something. Don't plan to do it later because later isn't a real time. You live in the now. You can only do things in the now.
Best of luck to you. SR is a great resource and support if you're trying to quit. Hopefully 2013 will be your year!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Look in the mirror, look inside yourself. You came here for help...its January 15, a fantastic day to take your life back.
Call your doc. Make appt. Get rid of the booze.
When i first came here i had only been sober a total of 9 days in 2009. Now i'm 20 months.
Call your doc. Make appt. Get rid of the booze.
When i first came here i had only been sober a total of 9 days in 2009. Now i'm 20 months.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I drank from teenager to fifty one.... Stopping drinking is a tough, messy, confusing job.
AA helps a lot of people, at all stages of hopelessness. Go their Website, get a meeting list in your area and just go. Tell them you can't stop on your own. They have all been there. Don't leave without a Big Book, ask them, they will make sure you have one.... They should give you phone numbers of members of your same gender you can call... maybe stay and help clean up, talk to someone then.... There is a solution.
Can someone offer some words of advice? Something, anything, I can grab on to to help me out of this hole I have dug for myself?
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Picking the perfect day to quit is a moot point in recovery, and rarely happens anyway. Today is the best day, as good as any other, yes?
You have that fear that is present in all of us who quit - the fear of the unknown. 30+ years of drinking has now put you in a place where there are a lot of questions - what will I be like? What will I do? What will happen to me? I sat in a lot of those questions for 25 years, until the fear of drinking outweighed the fear of not drinking. Until that happened, I continued to sit in fear. I justified my drinking until I couldn't justify it anymore, and then I still kept drinking. Like you, I stopped caring, I had no passion for anything, even drinking. I knew the jig would be up. And it was.
My motivation? I didn't want to die. Dramatic, yup, but real. Health issues, more frequent hospital visits, arrest, losing my family, brutal withdrawals, joblessness...it was all inevitable something was going to break.
No one can convince you to stop drinking. It has to come from within you. you've listed some things that you'd like to see change. It's a matter of getting out of the comfort zone and doing what you need to get better. Lots of things to choose out there. AA is what works for me.
Good luck
You have that fear that is present in all of us who quit - the fear of the unknown. 30+ years of drinking has now put you in a place where there are a lot of questions - what will I be like? What will I do? What will happen to me? I sat in a lot of those questions for 25 years, until the fear of drinking outweighed the fear of not drinking. Until that happened, I continued to sit in fear. I justified my drinking until I couldn't justify it anymore, and then I still kept drinking. Like you, I stopped caring, I had no passion for anything, even drinking. I knew the jig would be up. And it was.
My motivation? I didn't want to die. Dramatic, yup, but real. Health issues, more frequent hospital visits, arrest, losing my family, brutal withdrawals, joblessness...it was all inevitable something was going to break.
No one can convince you to stop drinking. It has to come from within you. you've listed some things that you'd like to see change. It's a matter of getting out of the comfort zone and doing what you need to get better. Lots of things to choose out there. AA is what works for me.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I couldn't stay quit until I committed to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous. See if you can identify.
All the best.
Bob R
Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous. See if you can identify.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
I think i said that every morning. I was supposed to stop today.
yes, you are not alone.
i cant count the number of time i have said that but eventually enough is enough.
No answer was AA. I resisted for such along time going.
But get a spponsor and work the steps.
i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
i have a family as well and wanted so badly to be there for them but wasnt.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
yes, you are not alone.
i cant count the number of time i have said that but eventually enough is enough.
No answer was AA. I resisted for such along time going.
But get a spponsor and work the steps.
i went t o AA for along time before i took the next step. But i also sat in those chairs half drunk most of the time.
i needed someone to be accountable too. my sponsor was that person. I could lie to family and friends but not to her. she called me out.
i have a family as well and wanted so badly to be there for them but wasnt.
UNTIL i took the next step. The steps.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,511
Welcome 2013.
You're scared because it's been your way of life for so long. You can't imagine being without it. Trust us, there is life after alcohol. I was in my 50's when I finally stopped forever. I was still drinking when I found SR. I now have 5 yrs. sober. I was disgusted with myself, a danger to myself and others - my life was slipping away. That was my motivation. I wanted to live again - and see what else was in store, besides getting numb and foggy every day.
You can do it - we know you can. Stay with us - keep reading and posting.
You're scared because it's been your way of life for so long. You can't imagine being without it. Trust us, there is life after alcohol. I was in my 50's when I finally stopped forever. I was still drinking when I found SR. I now have 5 yrs. sober. I was disgusted with myself, a danger to myself and others - my life was slipping away. That was my motivation. I wanted to live again - and see what else was in store, besides getting numb and foggy every day.
You can do it - we know you can. Stay with us - keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: roller coaster, AL
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by 2013 
Hi everyone,
I was supposed to stop on January 1st. Didn't. Still haven't and it's halfway through the month What is WRONG WITH ME?
I have been drinking for a long, long, long time. I'm 50 and started as a teenager. I have stopped for short periods of time here and there but never for a super long period of time. It's a miracle I am not dead.
Now I feel like I really want to stop, but I don't really want to. How's that for clarity? I feel as if I've given up inside and that idea scares me. I am so depressed, have lost interest in doing anything. Drinking makes me feel warm and comfortable, but I know it's the world's biggest sham. I'm getting fatter by the second and feel as if I've lost my passion for life itself. I'm in debt up to my ears.
In my heart I do want to stop, for good, to change what is left of my life but I can't seem to find the motivation for some reason. What is happening to me? Where can I find motivation again and the desire to work hard at stopping this insanity? It has been a hard year with much loss, but that's all the more reason to turn things around, isn't it?
Can someone offer some words of advice? Something, anything, I can grab on to to help me out of this hole I have dug for myself?
I was supposed to stop on January 1st. Didn't. Still haven't and it's halfway through the month What is WRONG WITH ME?
I have been drinking for a long, long, long time. I'm 50 and started as a teenager. I have stopped for short periods of time here and there but never for a super long period of time. It's a miracle I am not dead.
Now I feel like I really want to stop, but I don't really want to. How's that for clarity? I feel as if I've given up inside and that idea scares me. I am so depressed, have lost interest in doing anything. Drinking makes me feel warm and comfortable, but I know it's the world's biggest sham. I'm getting fatter by the second and feel as if I've lost my passion for life itself. I'm in debt up to my ears.
In my heart I do want to stop, for good, to change what is left of my life but I can't seem to find the motivation for some reason. What is happening to me? Where can I find motivation again and the desire to work hard at stopping this insanity? It has been a hard year with much loss, but that's all the more reason to turn things around, isn't it?
Can someone offer some words of advice? Something, anything, I can grab on to to help me out of this hole I have dug for myself?
I too thought I had it for the New Year but still not there. I'm not giving up I'm not...regardless of wheather I find all the answers right now I will keep searching and I beg you to do the same.:ghug3
The motivation is there otherwise you wouldn't be here. You will find lots of help here (you may not always want to hear it but it's all good).
Love and peace to you...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Thanks to each of you for taking the time to reply. Each one of you has given me strong and useful words to consider. Honestly your replies lifted me and I think this kind of collective experience and encouragement is what I really need to help me get going. I'm so glad for this site. You give me hope for the first time in a long time, especially from those who have been drinking as long as I have. You did it - you're doing it - why can't I do it too? I should have started today and thought I would but just couldn't or wouldn't. Will pray tonight that tomorrow is my Day One.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
I suggest that you break the time w/o a drink down into little pieces that are more manageable. Just dont drink for the next minute or hour and before you know it a day will go by then 2, then a week will pass and you will start to feel better.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Congratulations on your moment of clarity.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Congratulations on your moment of clarity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 92
This is where I am at. I have known for several years that I drink too much. Last April, I approached my doc and came clean. Since then, my life has been hell. I have had a few days here and there where I didn't drink and things were just fine which tells me it is OK to stop. Life will go on. I think the hard part I am having is coming to grips of never drinking again. A friend of mine who quit drinking about two years ago (did no have the problem I have but decided to quit) said go 21 days. 21 days will change your behaviour and then you can decide how to proceed. Thanks for this post. My 21 days starts now. I am tired of being a dirty drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Day One today. Sipping my coffee. I have a day off work today, so have time to come on here if I need to. Hey, Rockindog. Good move to start right now. I'm with you and we can do this together. I'm tired of it too. Tired of buying booze every day...of switching up the liquor stores so they don't think I'm an alcoholic. LOL. I'm tired of hiding bottles from my family and from the garbage man. I'm so tired of trying to be frugal to pay off debt, yet forking $20+ a day without hesitation. Tired of not living life because I'm holed up drinking. What kind of life is that? And I'm scared for my health too. I don't want to die from booze. Already I have heart palpitations, lots of heartburn and some pain in my right side (liver). I just hope it's not too late.
I am looking around for support besides here as well. Have found an AA meeting that's on tonight - just have to screw up some courage to go. Looking into some other info mentioned earlier in this thread as well -- if I try everything, something should work, right?
I SO want to be able to say, "No thanks. I don't drink." OK, I can say that as of now.
I am looking around for support besides here as well. Have found an AA meeting that's on tonight - just have to screw up some courage to go. Looking into some other info mentioned earlier in this thread as well -- if I try everything, something should work, right?
I SO want to be able to say, "No thanks. I don't drink." OK, I can say that as of now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Now you're a person who has stopped drinking. Nice beginning on what is a lifelong road, for the fortunate ones among us. "No thanks, I don't drink" will apply as long as you never drink again. Otherwise it can become...something less preferable.
A fallacy from this point to keep an eye out for on is a possible reaction when you read a post from someone who has drank after stopping. Should you believe then that you are different, that their experience does not apply to you then there is nothing that you can learn from them. If you see yourself in what happened to them there is a lot to learn.
If you look back on the experience they may outline there are things apparent that you can put in a growing mental archive of what doesn't work well, and learn from that how to select the understandings and actions that may best work to keep both comfortable and sober. You can begin to notice what newer people say repeatedly and what the longer term sober people have in common with each other and file that for future referance as part of your growing base of informed understanding of the evermore apparent things that you might consider doing yourself should you find comfortable and sober do not both apply to you at the same time as things unfold for you in this different life.
I'm assuming here that you never want to drink again instead of going the temorarily sober route.
A fallacy from this point to keep an eye out for on is a possible reaction when you read a post from someone who has drank after stopping. Should you believe then that you are different, that their experience does not apply to you then there is nothing that you can learn from them. If you see yourself in what happened to them there is a lot to learn.
If you look back on the experience they may outline there are things apparent that you can put in a growing mental archive of what doesn't work well, and learn from that how to select the understandings and actions that may best work to keep both comfortable and sober. You can begin to notice what newer people say repeatedly and what the longer term sober people have in common with each other and file that for future referance as part of your growing base of informed understanding of the evermore apparent things that you might consider doing yourself should you find comfortable and sober do not both apply to you at the same time as things unfold for you in this different life.
I'm assuming here that you never want to drink again instead of going the temorarily sober route.
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