JustAverage

I have not heard form my friend in months. She/he said they would call me back to talk several months ago. I have not heard anything. We usually get together when she/he comes to town for the holidays. This year I heard nothing. My friend is a bad drunk. She went to detox for health reasons but went back to drinking. I had a talk with her about it last year. I told her how I don't like it and how I feel I am enabling her when I chat with her on the phone when she's drinking: which is every day. When she didn't drink she was angry and said I was getting her depressed. Oh well, I guess I lost another friend. I am sure she is turning me into the bad guy. I have to let go. I have a life to live and I have responsibilities of my own to take care of. It's hard letting to of someone who was at one time your best friend. But I guess that's life. Is this part of the deal? Letting go while someone destroys them-self?

paul99

Detaching with love is where you are able to care about the other person, but not care for them. So yes, that is the deal. You can't be drawn into the drama and sickness that is your friend's. It is not for you to take on. You can still love her and hope she does well, but like you said, letting her call you when she's drunk and no doubt listening to the same stuff over and over again.

But as for being the bad guy, it's something not to be concerned about. It's only the assumption of something you have no idea or control over. Why let it worry you? I had a few guys I went to treatment with do the same thing - call me when drunk, ask for money, etc. I indulged for a short time, until I learned that I didn't have to do it any more. I hung up when they called. I stopped taking their texts and calls. I had to have boundaries to protect my own sobriety, and to not get sucked into their world.

She will self-destruct if you're there or not. Or, she might pull it around, whether you are there or not. Your first job is to take care of you, so that you can be of better service and help to those that want it.

gaffo

Thank you for that post, Paul99. I am going through a similar deal and I have to constantly remind myself of the things that you just wrote.

The alcoholic's drama is a terrible thing to witness and it feels sad to lose friends. It's not really a part of the sobriety program that I signed on for but now that I'm cruising my second year without any drinking I am relieved to toss the dead wood. The sun rises every day.

Hope4Life

My definition of a 'friend' had to be redefined when I stopped drinking and I soon realized that my 'drinking buddies' were not true friends. When I walked away from the bar scene 5 years ago, not one of those people made an effort to contact me and it became obvious that they were really not friends at all. It wasnt easy to let them go but my life is SO MUCH BETTER w/o all the drama and BS that go along with being a bar fly.

The only person you can change is yourself.

Good Luck to you!

Adillac

Paul is right, I think. Your friend's drinking will more than likely run it's course completely independent of anyone or anything. That is, if she's an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I feel for ya. Be well.

Xune

You can't control the decisions your former friend makes.

Friends come and go like the wind.

vegibean

If she was really your friend she wouldn't be calling you when she's drinking knowing that you do not. I have friends that drink and they don't try in anyway to manipulate me but rather support me in staying sober.

I wouldn't consider it so much a negative loss, but a positive one. One less thing to drag you down. I hope she finds the way.

Quinne

I hear you! I've all but cut ties with someone who is a (now) occasional polydrug user. He himself has described his thinking and behaviours as addictive, major issues with pot in the past. I ask him how he is and he says things like he's been "naughty" with ice and booze-at the start of the year-but he's "cured" as he attends an OP program when he feels like it. So he doesn't relapse, he just uses. He said this yesterday.

Even typing this out I'm wondering what the point in speaking to him is. I said I can't be around people who still drink and/or use who are in addiction. He said he'd never catch up with me while he was under the influence. I told him that's not the point, but we seem to be running around in circles.

Detaching with love? I have to do that and make it clear. It'll run the risk of harming my sobriety if I'm not careful :/

Xx