AliceTW

Hi all,

I'm attending a function this weekend (a 30th) which is going to be full of people who are pretty much there to drink as much free booze as possible and have a good time. I'm after some advice on useful strategies that can help me get through.

1) I cannot avoid this one. I know my sobriety is the most important thing, and I know that this is going to be the biggest pain in the butt, but I have to go so as painful as it will be it's not an option to stay home.

2) There's not really a number 2, I just did that to highlight the point in number one, since that's the advice I would give someone in my situation ("don't go").

I'm not a member of AA and cannot go to meetings. I am in a plan with a doctor and we're working through my problems (a psychologist who deals with addiction as his speciality). I am due to see him again on the weekend after next.

Things I'm planning:

1) Keep a non-alcoholic drink in hand at all times
2) Arrive a bit late, so that my arrival will be less noticeable in the crowd
3) I'm thinking of taking some kind of physical token with me that I can touch and feel 'connection' with sobriety
4) staying only 2 hours, less if I can get away earlier without causing offence

Dee74

Sorry...you're going to get 'the response' anyway cos I think it's really really important.

I think early recovery is hard enough without putting ourselves in the lions den, Alice.

I wouldn't go to a drink fest in early recovery - I didn't and I'm glad for it now.

I think there might be more important things than parties right now, and safer places to be, especially if you've had a rough week.

buuuuut... you're an adult...you don't have to justify yourself to me or anyone else here

if you feel you must go....definitely have an escape plan - think beforehand about likely situations you might find yourself in and how to handle them...people trying to foist drinks on you, people asking you why you're not drinking, etc

above all remember you're a non drinker

D

AliceTW

Thanks Dee, that's almost the exact answer I'd write too haha! But I have been through this situation before, early recovery and at a function and I've been able to survive. My relapses happened traditionally after I'd gotten that "Look I'm normal" mindset a few months in.

I think it helps that I've never been a party drinker, I was always a closet drinker, getting drunk at home while talking to my dogs and the TV, so the crowd shouldn't be a trigger for me (whereas the drive home from work alone in the car kills me).

"above all remember you're a non drinker"

I have an app on my phone that is for making shoping lists and what not. Every night I am sober I add "dnd" (did not drink) to one a list I made specifically to record dnd each night in. Being able to go into that list and literally scroll through it (because it's gotten so long) is a nice feeling. I don't want to erase that list.

I'd forgotten the "have a ready-made excuse" part, thank you, gotta work on those.

Threshold

Good luck with this.

NO matter how many times you say you have no choice but to go...unless someone is hijacking you with threats against your life and security...you don't have to go. And going may BE a threat against your life and security if it puts your sobriety at risk.

If such an event already messed you up before...why go there again?

There are people who back out of their own weddings at the last minute and yet they and everyone else get over it...will someone's world come to a crashing end if you don't show up?

If you came down with the flu or were in a car accident and were not at this event, would the world come to a standstill because your presence is crucial?

Maybe it would, but I think these questions are important to ask. Reality checking is important in recovery. because we are way prone to not want to rock anyone's boat (but our own) and to exaggerate everything way out of proportion.

WithoutFear

Good Morning everybody

I went to all of the Holiday functions last month brand new in recovery and found that I truly enjoyed having one on one conversations with people WITHOUT focusing on the drink, the next drink, or being the life of the party. The observations were helpful to me, as well, as I noticed my "friends" progressing into their drunken state (like I used to do).

When people asked me: "Hey, what can I get you to drink" (repeatedly), I responded with "Im driving". I had club soda in hand ......

It was not "fun" for me, but educational indeed. The BEST part was waking up the next day feeling energized and without a headache, dehydration, shame, or concern for what I may have said.......

I left early...came home...watched a compelling movie...it worked. If I can do it (life of the party), anybody can do it. Best of luck at your function and lastly, come here to the forum before and after for support!

paul99

Sounds like you're hellbent on attending, but I agree with Dee and Threshold. But if social graces combined with frightening clutch-onto-sobriety rocks your boat, then get your dancing shoes on

You will probably be surprised at how few people will ask you why you don't have booze in your glass, if any at all. Keep that drink with you, and make sure that if you put it down for a bit to make sure that you give it a sniff before picking it up. You're like me in that I was a secretive basement drinker, so bars and get togethers never really got me all sweaty...nonetheless, it's that silent ride back that gnaws at you. It would me too...and it's passing by the liquor stores on the way there and back that would have done me in.

Have that excuse to get out - a friend "on the outside" who can meet you for a coffee or something at moment's notice is a good one.

Good luck

jennikate

If you cannot avoid the party...
-make sure your car is parked with easy access for escape
-bring a sober friend if that's an option
-arrange to call someone at a certain time to check in and to get some support from
I know it sounds like I think you need a babysitter but I prefer to call it support. Whatever it takes....

David10

go with a happy positive attitude that you can attend a party and have fun without drinking.

MIRecovery

One thing I have seen multiple times is a delayed reaction. People got through the drinking situation only to pick up again a day or a week later. Not sure what this means and the only way I can combat it is to go to AA meetings. You say you can not go to AA meetings. Have you been barred from meetings?

In reality the only thing we have to do is not drink all others are choices we make. Is it possible to take a sober person with you?

AliceTW

Thanks all, I really appreciate your replies.

I had a sober friend lined up but he cancelled. I've got a ready-made excuse (which is actually true) that I need to work on a 3,000 word essay this weekend, so I can't drink because after the party I need to study. I've already texted my friend whose party it is so she knows this. It's an early starter, an afternoon event, so should be calm at the start and I should be home well before 5pm. I will get my partner to call me at certain times to check up on me, good idea Jennikate.

I'll make a break early - there are friends from out of town arriving, so the hostess should be busy with them (like at a wedding the bride and groom only care that you came, not that you spent any real portion of the night with them).

Paul - I hadn't considered the threat from bottle shops on the drive home, thanks for highlighting that one for me This way it should not sneak up on me.

Threshold - I appreciate the concern and understand that I literally do not "have to go", but it's within the boundaries of what I know I personally can handle as far as my own triggers and will-power/mind set at this stage of recovery.

I will check in after the party to let you know how it went, and how the tactics worked. I hope to be able to get in, eat some good food, laugh at the sumo-suit wrestling, then get out before people get drunk - being sober around drunks does not make me want to drink, but they are just really, really annoying!

Xune

I've learned very quickly that for me, excuses are a waste of time.

'No thanks, I'll have a soft drink.'

If they offer a second time;

'No thanks, I don't drink alcohol ( I add 'any more' if they knew me when I drank.)

If they ask why I stopped drinking;

'Lifestyle change'

If they ask, am I ever going to drink again?

'Nope, I'm done with booze.'

Simple and absolutely effective. Why make something so simple, complicated?

AliceTW

Ok, back a little later than planned. Quite a few things did not go to plan - I arrived half an hour late but was one of the first people there since everyone else arrived 2-3 hours late! Subsequently I stayed longer to wait until there was a decent size crowd before slipping off, and cut out before the cake (damn )

But I did not drink, and it wasn't as awful as I imagined it would be. There was a trigger I didn't prepare for though, and that was seeing a mutual friend of the host that I was also friends with 15 years ago in school. It was wonderful to catch up with this old friend and that was a big trigger to join in in drinking and swapping stories, and there was an urge to stay and drink and catch up through the night, but I stuck to my soft drink.

I left just as the people who had been drinking since noon were starting to buzz, so it was before anyone was really drunk, and it was also around my danger time - the hours from 5 on wards which is when I traditionally used to finish work and start to drink.

It wasn't so much as white knuckle hard, but more tiresome like trying to hold weights about your head for the whole time. This constant pressure that was just wearing on me.

I don't recommend it, and hope this doesn't give the impression that it's a good thing to do in early recovery. I only did this because my triggers have never been crowds, since I used to hide my drinking in crowds, plus myriad of other personal reasons that apply to me which made me feel that I could.

Thank you all for the tips. And thanks to SR too - another big motivation to keep dry at the party was because I didn't want to come back in here with my tail between my legs

Threshold

Lately there have been some threads and numerous posts on drinking a few days or a week AFTER such an event. We're not always sure why...but sometimes the trigger goes off later. Seeing an old friend, talking about the past, certain type of "life event" parties often stir up weird stuff inside of us.

I am SO glad you did well during your event and I am not in any way predicting bad things for you, but I would encourage you to stick close to SR and stay aware of your feelings, since many of us have experienced a sort of delayed trigger.

paul99

I agree that it`s sometimes a little while after a `victory` that there seems to be a picking up of a drink. I can only surmise that it`s the ego rebuilding. It tells us that `hey, you got through that party no problems...maybe we`re not alcoholic after all...`. But it`s not a predictor of any kind, just an observation.

Now you may pass this new experience to someone who might be asking the same question you did

Glad it went well, Alice. Now get cracking on that essay

AliceTW

Thanks guys, warning duely noted, and comments appreciated I left at the right time, right when I was starting to get comfortable. Later in the evening at 9.30 or so I learnt via Facebook that two other old friends came in from interstate as a surprise, one of whom would have been hell-bent on making me drink just because she was, so I am very glad I left, and when they said "Come back" I said "I'll try to". Then brushed my teeth and went to bed lol

Now it's: STOP - ESSAY TIME :P

Dee74

I'm glad it worked out
good luck with that essay

CAPTAINZING2000

expectations are a funny hing. We play a scenario of what we think will happen in our mind often to find out the event is nothing like we imagined it would be. Having a positive attitude always helps out in any social gathering.

I do agree with you on always having your own drink in your hand. Seems like, someone is always pressuring a person to have a drink when, they see you empty handed. It's always a good idea to make sure, you are in command of your own transportation for an easy exit when, you want to leave

sunrise1

Hi there,

I am one of those who chose sobriety then had to work in a bar the very next night. I don't say it's a good idea for everyone, but like you, I had no choice. The best thing for me is that I work with my husband and he has implicit permission to taste any soda I have at any time so he is a good "fail safe" in place.

In earlier sobriety, I lied about why I was not drinking. I kept the "I'm taking a medication that doesn't allow it" excuse handy, and to this day I feel no remorse about using that at will. My real friends, who now know the truth, totally get why I couldn't come right out and be honest from the get-go.

Keep phone numbers close and do not hesitate to come up with another handy reason why you have to leave if you get squirrelly.

Best, s

Sent from my iPad using SoberRecovery

LexieCat

I was traveling out of town last week with a group of colleagues whom I seldom get to see because we all work in different places on a day to day basis. The first three nights we all went out to dinner, and to restaurants selected for their awesome drink menu, or microbrews, or wine list. The first half hour of every meal was filled with reminiscences of this or that drink they had on some previous trip, their favorite bars, or amusing alcohol-related anecdotes.

I'm four and a half years sober, and it was really getting under my skin by the third night. I was bored, and basically waiting for the subject to change. The fourth night I skipped dinner and went to a meeting instead. I took a cab, and there were only three other people at the meeting, but it was just what I needed to get centered again. The other people at the meeting totally "got" where I was coming from.

I never felt in danger that I might drink, but I was feeling pretty resentful. The next night was our last night in town, so we went out to dinner again. Same situation, attitude a hundred percent different. The meeting was just what I needed.

I don't like being around drinking, but after all this time I can deal with it when I have a good reason for being there. I still don't spend any longer in those situations than I have to.

But I think it would have been pretty tough for someone newly sober to deal with those dinners. Being newly sober is weird and uncomfortable enough without having it right in your face.