26 years together...always drinking, anyhope?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
26 years together...always drinking, anyhope?
Our marriage is good. We are lucky.
But...we never stay off the wagon. We support each other when they "try" me 6 months, he cuts back by more then half or stops sometimes.
We sometimes quit together (like now 7 days and counting).
Usually someone comes home at some time with a bottle of wine and says "sorry it was just a terrible day". The other says "oh its okay". And thinks phew I didn't cave this time.
Then we go on a bender that turns into weeks and daily drinking again. We quietly slip back into our habits and we don't really talk about it.
over and over and over.
Its hard with two people that love each other but also enable each other.
It feels like twins in way.
anyone out there have this double trouble?
But...we never stay off the wagon. We support each other when they "try" me 6 months, he cuts back by more then half or stops sometimes.
We sometimes quit together (like now 7 days and counting).
Usually someone comes home at some time with a bottle of wine and says "sorry it was just a terrible day". The other says "oh its okay". And thinks phew I didn't cave this time.
Then we go on a bender that turns into weeks and daily drinking again. We quietly slip back into our habits and we don't really talk about it.
over and over and over.
Its hard with two people that love each other but also enable each other.
It feels like twins in way.
anyone out there have this double trouble?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I really thought about "we quietly slip back into our habits and we don't really talk about it". I used to do the same thing. I would look for a reason to justify my drinking. If HE was having a drink then I could have a drink because HE wasn't supporting me by not drinking. What I have realized is that I quit drinking because I needed to for health reasons as well as my own sanity.
Find other support besides your husband. Have your gone to AA? I am also in counseling. I also suggest not "trying" bur rather "doing". I had to eliminate "try" from my language. I also had to set rules about alcohol not being allowed in my home. I pay the bills so my rules. Take care of yourself
Find other support besides your husband. Have your gone to AA? I am also in counseling. I also suggest not "trying" bur rather "doing". I had to eliminate "try" from my language. I also had to set rules about alcohol not being allowed in my home. I pay the bills so my rules. Take care of yourself
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my wife and I can be our own worst enemies. we can easily encourage each other to make bad choices and do it together and be happy and content while miserable too. One or the other can easily cause the other to cave. Either of us could come home with a pack of cigarettes right now and after a little back and forth of how could you the one that didnt bring em home would be like HOok me up i want one!!. I could easily walk in the door high with a nice fresh bag of dope and a chocolate cake and some munchies and derail both her diet and mine and we'd be totally happy and high for months on end from that point forward.
I wish i new the magical answer to this. One or the other has to get selfish at some point put there foot down not abraisivly no need to fight the other can continue on there merry way with there habits while the other moves on from it. Eventually maybe the other will join you.
My wife didnt really have a drinking problem our together vice was food dope cigarettes. When she got pregnant this past time i had already been sober for a few months figured we both gotta quit cigarettes anyhow and i figured well i guess i'll start dieting and exercising (which i got ions of flack for as i was gonna get thin while she got fat). Fast forward i've lost a bundle of weight feel awesome and now shes starting to diet and loose as well. I'm stil sober neither of us smoke etc.. But like i said either of us could derail this positive trend at any moment by bringing in the bad again its not going to be me this time and if she doesnt it i wont go along with it and I think she realizes that.
Lucky for her it was always me who encouraged us to be bad lol so if i'm holding strong it should be ok. But then again she had her moments too haha.
its funny how couples can do this to each other ya mean no harm its just htat your like one in the same person really.
I can totaly relate i think the magic trick is to stand firm dont fight allow the other do do as they wish just stay firm in what you choose. Eventually the one slipping up might say i wanna get on there bandwagon maybe the grass is greener and they might join ya on the road to sobriety etc...
I wish i new the magical answer to this. One or the other has to get selfish at some point put there foot down not abraisivly no need to fight the other can continue on there merry way with there habits while the other moves on from it. Eventually maybe the other will join you.
My wife didnt really have a drinking problem our together vice was food dope cigarettes. When she got pregnant this past time i had already been sober for a few months figured we both gotta quit cigarettes anyhow and i figured well i guess i'll start dieting and exercising (which i got ions of flack for as i was gonna get thin while she got fat). Fast forward i've lost a bundle of weight feel awesome and now shes starting to diet and loose as well. I'm stil sober neither of us smoke etc.. But like i said either of us could derail this positive trend at any moment by bringing in the bad again its not going to be me this time and if she doesnt it i wont go along with it and I think she realizes that.
Lucky for her it was always me who encouraged us to be bad lol so if i'm holding strong it should be ok. But then again she had her moments too haha.
its funny how couples can do this to each other ya mean no harm its just htat your like one in the same person really.
I can totaly relate i think the magic trick is to stand firm dont fight allow the other do do as they wish just stay firm in what you choose. Eventually the one slipping up might say i wanna get on there bandwagon maybe the grass is greener and they might join ya on the road to sobriety etc...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
just to add if the one slipping up does not decide to jump on the wagon as you get stronger and better you might be strong enough to be the one that reaches out to them and yanks them out of there pit thus both of you being better off. But iw ouldnt attempt to do that till your strong in your own footing otherwise you might get yanked back in the pit with them!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
Thank you both for the observations and thoughts. It really does help to hear of others who have dealt with similar problems.
I hate to admit that its me that falls off the wagon and drags him with me 90% of the time.
It helps to read about that the fact that the one who might have started this problem (oh 3 decades ago!) is the one who needs to not try but hold fast.
But to be perfectly honest it scares me to death, and he's always so nice about it when I give up. We are so codependent.
I sound like a horrible person...thats honesty for ya.
I hate to admit that its me that falls off the wagon and drags him with me 90% of the time.
It helps to read about that the fact that the one who might have started this problem (oh 3 decades ago!) is the one who needs to not try but hold fast.
But to be perfectly honest it scares me to death, and he's always so nice about it when I give up. We are so codependent.
I sound like a horrible person...thats honesty for ya.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 63
I quit drinking about 3 months ago and my hubby still drinks like a fish. The clink of the ice going into the cup the sound of the whiskey pouring into the glass doesn't make me want to drink. I want to cry.
We continue to love each other, but I might be becoming a bit of a nag when standing in the bathroom together I will point out my skin color compared to his, mine being healthy and his being swallow looking, dark circles under his eyes, my circles have cleared up, my stomach is flatter not swollen looking while he looks like he could give birth any minute.
I refuse to let his drinking be my excuse to start drinking again. I'm responsible for myself and what I choose to ingest. Togather we take care of bills and the house and what else needs done, my health and life is my responsibility my decision. If go back to drinking I can't blame him, it would be my thoughts that told me to drink my hand that filled the glass not his.
I absolutly refuse to use my husbands drinking as a excuse to pick up the vodka again.
I love my husband dearly, he is a wonderful man, a fantastic grandfather.
I look at my drinking like this.
I claim the drinking as my problem, I will not blame my parents or my kids or my husband because I became a alcoholic. I will not blame others if I fail.
This is my addiction, I was never forced to drink. It's my addiction and mine to fix.
Works for me anyway.
We continue to love each other, but I might be becoming a bit of a nag when standing in the bathroom together I will point out my skin color compared to his, mine being healthy and his being swallow looking, dark circles under his eyes, my circles have cleared up, my stomach is flatter not swollen looking while he looks like he could give birth any minute.
I refuse to let his drinking be my excuse to start drinking again. I'm responsible for myself and what I choose to ingest. Togather we take care of bills and the house and what else needs done, my health and life is my responsibility my decision. If go back to drinking I can't blame him, it would be my thoughts that told me to drink my hand that filled the glass not his.
I absolutly refuse to use my husbands drinking as a excuse to pick up the vodka again.
I love my husband dearly, he is a wonderful man, a fantastic grandfather.
I look at my drinking like this.
I claim the drinking as my problem, I will not blame my parents or my kids or my husband because I became a alcoholic. I will not blame others if I fail.
This is my addiction, I was never forced to drink. It's my addiction and mine to fix.
Works for me anyway.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Klp9999 you sound like you got a really good handle on it. I cant agree with your line of thought more.
I'm much the same way its almost like you have to be selfish. You are responsable for yourself first when it comes to this sort of thing. If you cant get yourself in order how will you be of any use to anyone else in any positive way?
No one can do it for you etc.. I dont need to say much more I think you hit the nail on the head.
You cant put the other drinking partner down you cant be abraisive and pull the i told ou so etc.. ask yourself would that have worked on you?
At the end of the day the alcoholic spouse needs support if there drinking or not. You gotta be supportive of there choices dont have to agree but you cant stuff there head intot he bottom of the barrel further either.
I'm much the same way its almost like you have to be selfish. You are responsable for yourself first when it comes to this sort of thing. If you cant get yourself in order how will you be of any use to anyone else in any positive way?
No one can do it for you etc.. I dont need to say much more I think you hit the nail on the head.
You cant put the other drinking partner down you cant be abraisive and pull the i told ou so etc.. ask yourself would that have worked on you?
At the end of the day the alcoholic spouse needs support if there drinking or not. You gotta be supportive of there choices dont have to agree but you cant stuff there head intot he bottom of the barrel further either.
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