Young and unsure where to turn...
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
Young and unsure where to turn...
So, let me just start off by saying I'm 22 years old.
I never drank in high school. I was always the designated driver for all my friends. My father and my uncle were alcoholics and I just never felt the need to drink because of it.. I always considered it evil.
Then, when I was 20 years old, I moved to the city. I started feeling this social pressure to drink, because that's what everyone else did. I went to a party with a new friend and he told me to just have a few drinks to chill out. Within the first couple of drinks, I felt so comfortable and I had this feeling that I never had before. I ended up abusing it and getting drunk.
I wasn't addicted after that, but I believe that to be the start. I started two jobs and going to school full time and I would always come home with the urge to have a drink to get me to chill out. I started relying on a 'nightcap' to get me to sleep.
About a year later, I experienced my first ever panic attack. It was the most horrifying experience of my life and I've never come so close to believing my life was ending. I went home and popped a Xanax and fell asleep. This fear of having another panic attack started to consume me and I began to rely on Xanax to get me through the day. After a while, Xanax stopped working for me. I would take a couple and I would still feel horrible anxiety. So, I began drinking to cover up that anxiety that Xanax couldn't handle.
Around this time, I met my boyfriend. Unfortunately, he was an alcoholic and he didn't realize it. He would come over to my place in the morning with a huge bottle of whiskey and he wanted to start doing shots. I started adjusting myself to this ritual and it ended up becoming a part of my life. We would meet up and start drinking.. even if it was morning.
Unfortunately, a few months ago, he committed suicide. My life kind of turned upside down.. I knew that he had depression problems and, in retrospect, his drinking definitely indicated it. Many of his friends/family blamed me for it, but I would've never wanted it to happen. Because of this all.. I can't be sober. I mean, I can't allow myself to be sober. Since his funeral, I can't remember one full day that I've been sober for those twenty four hours. I attempt to go through it, but I end up needing a shot of liquor or a can of beer halfway through the day. I go to work and school and I carry a flask of whiskey with me. This has become a nightmare, but being sober is a nightmare for me at this point.
I'm just scared of the anxiety that I once experienced. I'm absolutely frightened of having that panic attack again. I'm horrified at the thought of being trapped of thoughts of my boyfriend and being unable to take my mind off of him. I know I need help, I just don't know where to turn at this point.
A few of my close friends have said that I should consider Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm not entirely sure. I've heard of religion being involved in that treatment and, with absolutely no disrespect at all (I honestly respect everyone's beliefs, I'm not trying to be an *******), that's not for me. I'm not a religious person in the slightest.
I know it's bizarre to just join a message board and expect help... I would've never expected myself to have done this a few years ago, but I just don't know what to do.
I never drank in high school. I was always the designated driver for all my friends. My father and my uncle were alcoholics and I just never felt the need to drink because of it.. I always considered it evil.
Then, when I was 20 years old, I moved to the city. I started feeling this social pressure to drink, because that's what everyone else did. I went to a party with a new friend and he told me to just have a few drinks to chill out. Within the first couple of drinks, I felt so comfortable and I had this feeling that I never had before. I ended up abusing it and getting drunk.
I wasn't addicted after that, but I believe that to be the start. I started two jobs and going to school full time and I would always come home with the urge to have a drink to get me to chill out. I started relying on a 'nightcap' to get me to sleep.
About a year later, I experienced my first ever panic attack. It was the most horrifying experience of my life and I've never come so close to believing my life was ending. I went home and popped a Xanax and fell asleep. This fear of having another panic attack started to consume me and I began to rely on Xanax to get me through the day. After a while, Xanax stopped working for me. I would take a couple and I would still feel horrible anxiety. So, I began drinking to cover up that anxiety that Xanax couldn't handle.
Around this time, I met my boyfriend. Unfortunately, he was an alcoholic and he didn't realize it. He would come over to my place in the morning with a huge bottle of whiskey and he wanted to start doing shots. I started adjusting myself to this ritual and it ended up becoming a part of my life. We would meet up and start drinking.. even if it was morning.
Unfortunately, a few months ago, he committed suicide. My life kind of turned upside down.. I knew that he had depression problems and, in retrospect, his drinking definitely indicated it. Many of his friends/family blamed me for it, but I would've never wanted it to happen. Because of this all.. I can't be sober. I mean, I can't allow myself to be sober. Since his funeral, I can't remember one full day that I've been sober for those twenty four hours. I attempt to go through it, but I end up needing a shot of liquor or a can of beer halfway through the day. I go to work and school and I carry a flask of whiskey with me. This has become a nightmare, but being sober is a nightmare for me at this point.
I'm just scared of the anxiety that I once experienced. I'm absolutely frightened of having that panic attack again. I'm horrified at the thought of being trapped of thoughts of my boyfriend and being unable to take my mind off of him. I know I need help, I just don't know where to turn at this point.
A few of my close friends have said that I should consider Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm not entirely sure. I've heard of religion being involved in that treatment and, with absolutely no disrespect at all (I honestly respect everyone's beliefs, I'm not trying to be an *******), that's not for me. I'm not a religious person in the slightest.
I know it's bizarre to just join a message board and expect help... I would've never expected myself to have done this a few years ago, but I just don't know what to do.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi pavement
I'm so sorry for your loss - that must be very hard to deal with.
Have you had counselling, do you see a Dr regularly?
I think both things could help you with your anxiety - certainly far more than drinking would be.
Take it from one who's been there - drinking is no solution - it actually makes us more anxious. It's like using gasoline to put out a fire.
There's a lot of support around - both here and elsewhere.
Others will be along to fill you in on their AA experiences, but there are other options too:
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
But, ultimately, I'm not going to tell you to go to AA, or to see a counsellor or a Dr - but I think you need to do something other than what you've been doing....
You need to break out of this cycle and the best way to do that is to do something different -why not reach out and ask for help Pavement?
D
I'm so sorry for your loss - that must be very hard to deal with.
Have you had counselling, do you see a Dr regularly?
I think both things could help you with your anxiety - certainly far more than drinking would be.
Take it from one who's been there - drinking is no solution - it actually makes us more anxious. It's like using gasoline to put out a fire.
There's a lot of support around - both here and elsewhere.
Others will be along to fill you in on their AA experiences, but there are other options too:
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
But, ultimately, I'm not going to tell you to go to AA, or to see a counsellor or a Dr - but I think you need to do something other than what you've been doing....
You need to break out of this cycle and the best way to do that is to do something different -why not reach out and ask for help Pavement?
D
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