exauhsted

Keep trying…. keep coming back here but I’m about to give up any hope.

It’s the stress in my life that keeps me reaching for that drink. I just keep looking for an escape from it all.

A minute where I don’t have to think about it or worry about it. So tired of trying to figure everyone else’s life out for them that I can’t ,and don’t have time to focus on mine. I know that there will come a time but afraid that it will be to late for me. In essence that’s just more reason for me to pick up a drink.

I don’t know …it’s just every time I think things are about to change and get better something else comes along and I can’t deal with it. Which leads me to believe that I need more on the lines of coping skills or something.

I have no insurance so don’t even tell me to go see my doctor. I will not take from my grandbabies mouth food that they need to DOCTOR myself.

Just someone tell me where I need to start……(AA is not an option)

Going to bed now, after I eat.. tired and have to get up very early tomorrow and deal with it ALL again.

Just unloading a bit!!! (forgive me it helps me)

Sapling

Too bad AA is not an option....It's the only thing that worked for me. But I wish you the best anyway.

redneckrecovery

I really used to feel that way. Trying to always help everyone. Be that knight in shining armor working on my sobriety last. I learned that i had tied a knot in the rope of my old life and was hanging on.

I had to let go. It was scary at first but sober me caught me.

coraltint

you will be way better at helping your grandbabies & whomever else you're trying to take care of if you help yourself first. you KNOW you aren't as useful as you could be when you are drinking or hungover.

that's good stuff, red.

exauhsted

Would that be redneckecognition??...LOL

I got some redneck deep in my bones... started out a hillbilly but now am a redneck.

I tie knots daily and hang on.. today I think I tied multiple ones. It just gets worse and I so hoped that the new year would bring me some better things.

Just know that I can't depend on anything other than me and my Lord to get me through this. I just wish he would give me the strength right now and not try to put me through the fire first..

I feel it coming with a quickness..........

Dee74

There's a lot of other choices besides taking the food out of your grandbabies mouths I think exauhsted

There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search

I really identify with this tho

I still have a tendency to push myself like this...the thing is, if I crack, and all of us have a breaking point, then who'll be there to do all the things you feel you have to do anyway?

what if drinkings not helping you cope, it's just helping you avoid finding a permanent solution?

D

exauhsted

Funny.. I looked up your link and actually found my little bitty town and the listing is for a Dr. that retired about 8 months ago...He's no longer there and he was actually about 78 years old but in a wheel chair so had to give it up. I know this because my daughter had Bells Palsy and was seeing him for a while....LOL just another brick in the wall.

I get that your trying to help and am grateful but I really don't think that anyone understands the situation that I have gotten MYSELF into. I know I have to get myself out of it. I want to but sorry this is all I have right now. Go figure..??...

Dee74

LOL ok...sorry exhuasted. I can only give you the info I have
Maybe ring the 211 people as well.

Look, I think most of us feel we have a unique situation and that noone else understands.

I know I did - I was a guy with cerebral palsy who was also a musician, a college graduate, and an alcoholic and addict - who else could identify with me?

I found everyone could, at least in terms of my addictions.

You might be in a unique situation- but it doesn't actually matter.
Things will get worse unless you decide to change.

Change is always possible - it's not often comfortable or easy but it's always possible.

Things got better once I stopped looking for differences and started looking for similarities.

Wishing you the best, as always ex

D

exauhsted

I'm sure you are right on this one but at the same time I think some have a harder time explaining their situation. That's MY biggest problem just trying to explain it all. I would have to write a book and I know that is not going to happen, so I just do what I can do and move forward. (in my own little way)

I know that you do wish me the best as I wish everyone here the best.

Wouldn't it be great if we our wishes and hopes could be somehow transported to each indivdual that comes into our life needing it. I bet that this site wouldn't even exist and we would all be just fine.

Sorry I'm just feeling very caring about the world right now..last thing my man said to me tonight was pray for us and all those others in need...:ghug3

vegibean

211.org

Everything he said. It is how I got through treatment the first time and it cost ME NOTHING!!!! Make some phone calls, please don't give up on yourself, it can be better and you'll be so much happier.

My very best to you!! :ghug3

paul99

I have no answers at all, but if you are willing to budge just a bit on what you deem the impossibility of your situation, then there is hope. And where there is hope, there is chance of sobriety.

But what I do know is that being a martyr is going to kill you, plain and simple, and alcohol will be riding shotgun.

Be well

fini

That's MY biggest problem just trying to explain it all.

hm, no, i doubt that. explaining it all isn't going to help change it. but believing that you need to be able to explain it before you can do something to change it, and telling yourself that somehow it's your responsibilty to figure everyone else’s life out for them wishing the new year would somehow bring change by being the new year and hoping you lord will send you strength....it's YOU, exhausted, YOU have to do something. it might help if you stopped looking at what you CAN"t /won't do and see what you CAN

exauhsted

If all I have is me then I know I am doomed for failure, I know that right now in this little bitty minute of my life that I am here for everyone else..I know it even though I also know that,I'm not doing whats good for ME.

I know with all my heart that I am doing what I need to do for all the others in need at this time. It's complicated and I can't and even and don't expect anyone else to understand but I am working towards a better ME.

I also know that I could just throw up my hands and say No No! I'm worrying about me today and you all can just figure it out for yourself...

That's not who I am ..I'm not trying to be a martyr no way no how wven though it may sound that way I'm just doing what I feel I need to do in the moment in my life and it takes a drink to get through it right now.

I just wish it didn't and yea it's not just "a" drink....Oh I could so spill but I don't even want to sound superficial or selfish...at the same time I'm ashamed at what I would spill....................OK ?? Sorry for the ranting.

amy55

Get real here. You are painting yourself as a martyr a victim. So you think by getting drunk every night you are doing what you want to do? You"re not, you are showing everyone that they can hide their problems in a bottle.

Yes, I agree you are going through some rough times. Many of us here did the same thing, and yes, I hid in a bottle for a long time.

LadyinBC

It is you that keeps reaching for the drink. At the end of the day it is a choice. The stress is just an excuse, you are the one choosing to drink.

Why is AA not an option for you? It's amazing what isn't an option for us when we know we have to stop. But when it comes to our booze and finding excuses for it anything goes.

I am sorry you are in pain. However some of your posts do seem a little martyr like and poor me and excuses.

Celebration1994

Hi.....One thing I learned in sobriety is I don't have to "fix" everyone else. I have to "fix" me physically spiritually and emotionally, before I can even help any one else. My siblings are or some were alcoholics so I was always the matriarch of keeping peace and fixing things. I got married and was a co-alcoholic with my husband, so I had to keep him fixed or he would get mean. Both my daughters are alcoholic/drug addicts, so of course I had to fix them. Also while fixing everything I was hiding my problems, including shame, guilt, embarrassment, childhood and adult issues, and put a mask of social drinker on for the world to see, that I was fine. I was the go to, ask advice person, and trust me it was a stressful and draining. It is a lot of work.

I got sober and went to rehab for 30days and learned how to stay sober 1 day at a time, and started to find me. I learned to take care of me first, and then if I CHOSE to help family, I could be a good role model and offer a bit of advice, not solve their problems but share how I solve mine. I stopped trying to fix my daughters as they are grown women and needed to hit their own bottom and find their path, which they did eventually.

Nothing is impossible to face if I am taking care of me and not drinking, in fact life is more enjoyable when I have strong boundaries and put my well being first, then I can CHOSE to help others if I am able.

I didn't learn all this in rehab, I had to put my pride aside and go and listen to others and how they lived happy-joyous and free, at AA meetings...and the meetings were free with coffee.

Everything wasn't all banjos and bells when I got sober....I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 months sober, and had to have an immediate double masectomy to prevent the cancer from soreading to my lymp glands. I share this to say my life didn't get better right away in early recovery, but it started to become manageable 1 day at a time, when I took care of me first and foremost.

fini

it's YOU, exhausted, YOU have to do something. it might help if you stopped looking at what you CAN"t /won't do and see what you CAN

If all I have is me then I know I am doomed for failure,

exhausted,

possibly you misunderstood; in no way did i mean to say that all you have is you. look around and there are many here, just for starters, WITH you.
when i say YOU have to do something, what i mean is: help will not magically come from outside by itself. you'll need to take a step or two towards it, whether that be to doctor, a meeting, a best friend, a minister, a mental health worker........YOU need to put the effort into making an actual move.

working towards a better "Me" is a worthwhile thing to do, but when we're messed up in the getting-drunk-spiral anything in that direction is sabotaged if we haven't quit drinking. sorry, shouldn't say "we". was my experience, anyway.

I also know that I could just throw up my hands and say No No! I'm worrying about me today and you all can just figure it out for yourself...

oh dear, i wasn't suggesting anything like that....no all or nothing necessary. or desirable.

small steps, exhausted. what can you do today that will help you not drink today?

exauhsted

OK you win!!! I’ll no longer post about WHY I drink obviously it really doesn’t matter WHY..right???


I’ll just move on past that phase and keep it all inside with everything else I store in those little boxes
It’s apparent that those boxes are just going to stack up and stay where they are. Sorry for the trouble I caused anyone. I’ll take it to my knees and work it out.

Romans 5; 1-5

1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

paul99

Hi exhausted,

There is no "win" here except sobriety. No one of us is trying to grind you down into some form of submission. The responses to your posts come from experience. I mentioned martyr because I played that role for most of my life, and also played the victim role as well. I made sure that everyone else was taken care of first before poor ol me could get the table scraps. And with that came frightful and powerful resentments, which helped fuel my alcoholism. So, on the outside looking in, I was a helpful, caring guy, but I had motives. I wanted to feel better than everyone because I looked like the hero, but inside I was shredded up. No one could see how I really felt. And I was too proud to ask for help or to let on that something was going on. So <glug><glug> was my answer.

Consciously, I didn't know that I was doing this all the time. I truly thought I was being a nice guy, but again, my motives weren't spiritually intact. I discovered all this when I worked the steps, so it wasn't an overnight thing. So having said that, when I read your posts, I see me in there, and perhaps it's not my place to point it out, I do point it out because I wish someone had done the same to me. But perhaps I may have not been in a place to receive it. And you might be in the same place. But it is what it is, and we are where we are meant to be.

But this thread is great because it opens ideas up. You are maybe uncomfortable with what is being mentioned, and that might be a good thing...perhaps there is a sliver of opening up that might bring light to why it is you drink, and your family dynamic.

This is just an opinion of course, and you may just hit "ignore" and let it be. But regardless, I wish you the best in your journey

exauhsted

I'm uncomfortable but not for the reasons that you may think and I am open to all opinions, I just realize that I'm whinning too much but I do so for reasons that I don't think anyone could understand.....so I will stop It's all good I get it..not a problem for me I can and will move on. This is what I do best, suck it up and just go forward....got it ,get it, I'm moving on at last I can see


Oh what a song that brings to mind:

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentee's, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like
I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on