My dilemma - I'm stuck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
My dilemma - I'm stuck
In the end the decision is mine. This I know and understand. Nobody can make someone change. I know this from personal experience. So here is my dilemma:
I'm 38 years old: Great job, great wife and 2 great kids. Wife has a maybe 1 drink a month at dinner, the most is 3 at a social event. Me... Well...Miller lite has been my constant companion for most of the last 10 years. Was drinking from 10 - 12 beers everyday day for that last 2-1/2 years.
Father-in-law. 72 years old. Budweiser drinker everyday until he decided to slow down at age 60 (My MIL tells me he got drunk pretty much everyday till age 40 to the tune of 18-24 beers a day). After 60 he drank only when people came over, even if it meant 5 days a week. But he had some level of control cause if he didn't want to drink, he wouldn't. My FIL was my best friend and drinking buddy. He was diagnosed with cancer in March 11 and died Aug 11. During that time my drinking amount when up. Even noticed that after 10 beers no buzz. Wondered WTF and then put the beer down for a week. But then started up again with same routine i had.
My father: 62 years old. Alcoholic with a 20 year history of relapses. Goes on 2-3 week benders. I never realized that my father was addicted to alcohol. I assumed that it was his choice to drink for a week straight. Just like I choose to get the next beer out the fridge. That was until he went on a 2 week bender where he didn't eat, and I took it upon myself to detox him. DT's, sweats, lose of bowel control. It was ugly. After 3 days i sat down with and i said "dad i tried to understand what you get out of drinking all day, I tried it for a year and i don't like it". Then he says "I don't drink all day, this is what happens when i start". My next though....well then WTH is an alcoholic. Cause i was told my FIL was an alcoholic, but then went social drinker to maybe a beer at dinner?????
I assumed i would be able to do as my FIL, but now that I've gone to counseling, AA, got the big book and joined this wonderful board...I'm still confused. How did my FIL not end up like my dad.
Where I'm at: Came clean to my wife on how much i was drinking. She said she noticed and knew that due to recent events I seemed more stressed and thus noticed i was drinking more. I quit drinking for 100 days straight went to 90 AA meetings during that time. Then I started tracking my drinks. I can drink 1 beer catch a slight buzz and then walk away for a week. But if i let myself go, i can drink about 12-13 over a 4-hour period. I stopped drinking again after new years.
My dilemma: I thought when I was ready to slow down drinking, I would, kind of like my FIL. But now, after seeing my father going thru withdrawals, I fear becoming my father. I just don't know how to move forward from here. Quit out of fear of something that may happen?
I'm 38 years old: Great job, great wife and 2 great kids. Wife has a maybe 1 drink a month at dinner, the most is 3 at a social event. Me... Well...Miller lite has been my constant companion for most of the last 10 years. Was drinking from 10 - 12 beers everyday day for that last 2-1/2 years.
Father-in-law. 72 years old. Budweiser drinker everyday until he decided to slow down at age 60 (My MIL tells me he got drunk pretty much everyday till age 40 to the tune of 18-24 beers a day). After 60 he drank only when people came over, even if it meant 5 days a week. But he had some level of control cause if he didn't want to drink, he wouldn't. My FIL was my best friend and drinking buddy. He was diagnosed with cancer in March 11 and died Aug 11. During that time my drinking amount when up. Even noticed that after 10 beers no buzz. Wondered WTF and then put the beer down for a week. But then started up again with same routine i had.
My father: 62 years old. Alcoholic with a 20 year history of relapses. Goes on 2-3 week benders. I never realized that my father was addicted to alcohol. I assumed that it was his choice to drink for a week straight. Just like I choose to get the next beer out the fridge. That was until he went on a 2 week bender where he didn't eat, and I took it upon myself to detox him. DT's, sweats, lose of bowel control. It was ugly. After 3 days i sat down with and i said "dad i tried to understand what you get out of drinking all day, I tried it for a year and i don't like it". Then he says "I don't drink all day, this is what happens when i start". My next though....well then WTH is an alcoholic. Cause i was told my FIL was an alcoholic, but then went social drinker to maybe a beer at dinner?????
I assumed i would be able to do as my FIL, but now that I've gone to counseling, AA, got the big book and joined this wonderful board...I'm still confused. How did my FIL not end up like my dad.
Where I'm at: Came clean to my wife on how much i was drinking. She said she noticed and knew that due to recent events I seemed more stressed and thus noticed i was drinking more. I quit drinking for 100 days straight went to 90 AA meetings during that time. Then I started tracking my drinks. I can drink 1 beer catch a slight buzz and then walk away for a week. But if i let myself go, i can drink about 12-13 over a 4-hour period. I stopped drinking again after new years.
My dilemma: I thought when I was ready to slow down drinking, I would, kind of like my FIL. But now, after seeing my father going thru withdrawals, I fear becoming my father. I just don't know how to move forward from here. Quit out of fear of something that may happen?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
Some people can drink heavily and not get addicted they can cut back. I have found this to be rare. I know it's all or nothing for me.
ETA: If your father is an alcoholic I would be VERY careful. Why not leave it alone, why take chances?
ETA: If your father is an alcoholic I would be VERY careful. Why not leave it alone, why take chances?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I tried that routine your doing well how come this one can drink this way and i cant how come i have this problem and he doesnt we both drink just as much how come that one got cirrosis at 30 yet the other guy not till 80
Or play it another way
how come this guy can eat wtvr and not get fat but i cant. how come he can exercise and burn it off and make it easy but i cant how come when i eat X i get high cholesterol but when bob does he doesnt.
You sorta have to quit that and recognize that everyones different and you got your own set of problems.
For me I cant drink it causes me a number of problems. I'm not sure why I dunno that i think its fair but it is what it is. I also have to watch what i eat and exercise its a pain i watch others who dont have this problem but I have this problem and it is what it is.
That being said theres a lot of problems I luckily dont have those 2 above just happen to be some biggies for me is all. Its no big deal so long as i'm cognisent of it and I keep it in check.
Be careful if you have a drinking problem you can play the game of trying to keep it in check for years only to loose every time. For me it was easier to not bother with the stuff any more it beat me enough thats enough.
Or play it another way
how come this guy can eat wtvr and not get fat but i cant. how come he can exercise and burn it off and make it easy but i cant how come when i eat X i get high cholesterol but when bob does he doesnt.
You sorta have to quit that and recognize that everyones different and you got your own set of problems.
For me I cant drink it causes me a number of problems. I'm not sure why I dunno that i think its fair but it is what it is. I also have to watch what i eat and exercise its a pain i watch others who dont have this problem but I have this problem and it is what it is.
That being said theres a lot of problems I luckily dont have those 2 above just happen to be some biggies for me is all. Its no big deal so long as i'm cognisent of it and I keep it in check.
Be careful if you have a drinking problem you can play the game of trying to keep it in check for years only to loose every time. For me it was easier to not bother with the stuff any more it beat me enough thats enough.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Sounds like your FIL was a heavy drinker and your dad was an alcoholic. Big difference, as you noticed. A heavy drinker looks like us, even getting into trouble, DUI's, health issues, etc. The difference is that given sufficient reason, a heavy drinker can dial it back, or even quit for good and all. No program of recovery, no empty promises. They just do it.
We, on the other hand, are a different breed. We cannot just stop like that. At least I can't. I need AA, the steps and my Higher Power to stay stopped.
But I understand your fear. We all have it - what will happen when I stop? Who will I be? What will I do with my time? What is it going to feel like? Will I lose my mind? These were the kinds of questions I had going into sobriety. I had NO idea what to expect, and I fear the unknown. It's common. But one thing for sure was that I would have died an ugly alcoholic death if I kept going the way I was. The fear of drinking any more outweighed the fear of sobriety.
Glad you're here.
We, on the other hand, are a different breed. We cannot just stop like that. At least I can't. I need AA, the steps and my Higher Power to stay stopped.
But I understand your fear. We all have it - what will happen when I stop? Who will I be? What will I do with my time? What is it going to feel like? Will I lose my mind? These were the kinds of questions I had going into sobriety. I had NO idea what to expect, and I fear the unknown. It's common. But one thing for sure was that I would have died an ugly alcoholic death if I kept going the way I was. The fear of drinking any more outweighed the fear of sobriety.
Glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: houston texas
Posts: 13
To expand on this:
I do remember growing up that my father had some kind of drinking problem. But he hid it well. He didn't come home and beat up on me or my siblings or my mother. He would come home and just ignore us all. There was tension. My mother covered for him too. She tried to save face in the neighborhood, and with her religious friends. Always trying to make light of him. They are still married and living together.
I just assumed that it was normal him to drink in that way. Not drink for a year then drink for a week. Then not drink for 6 months then drink for a week. My mom would just tell us when we asked about him during that time "well you know your dad is doing his thing". Then all of sudden they would both show up at my house like if everything in the world was great. Very confusing.
On the other hand. Hanging around an old guy (FIL) who enjoyed music...cooking and drinking was really cool. Always laughing, joking, having fun. Well that was my normal for 10 years. I figured all long, as you go to work, love your kids and wife. Take care of those in need then cool. Except that when my FIL died...something changed. That is where i'm at.
I kept drinking like when he was alive nine months after his death. But the stress of trying to be there for my family, my MIL, trying to deal with the aftermath. Also my father ended up going to the hospital 6 times during this time. My mother stopped talking to me, cause during all this confusion, I blamed her overbearing and condensending ways for my fathers drinking problem (I blamed his benders on her). That was until march 2011 when i found him alone in a bedroom without shower or restroom for days. Very scary and humiliating way to see him. I love parents despite all this, and i took him home to clean him up. That is when in trying to clean him up, I started to learn of detoxing him. Which led to the above conversation we had.
I drank out of control during those nine months. Was running around like a mad man trying to save my father from himself. Like i said, I though it was his choice to drink for 5-10 days in a row. Does he really not have any control after he starts?
I'm an open book. I'm as honest as can be regarding my life. We grew up very dysfuctional, and I have tried to undo all the damage my parents caused. It has been hard, still is. I'm trying to do the right thing here. Like i mentioned above. I thought that when i was ready to slow down I would, cause that is what my FIL did. But with all I read about genetics....weak alcohol metabolism...information overload (I'm a google doctor now). I'm stuck on what to.
That is why i am here. Something needs to change, but what. I know now that drinking everyday is not good (even though my FIL did for close to 50 years then slowed down on his own...no AA...no pressure from family). I guess the big question I have, and the one my father still hasn't answered is this. What happened to my father, that did not happen to my FIL? When i told my father "dad i tried drinking all day, I don't know what you get out of it" He answered, "when have you ever seen me drink all day? I never drank all day in my life....this is what happens to me when i do drink"
I do remember growing up that my father had some kind of drinking problem. But he hid it well. He didn't come home and beat up on me or my siblings or my mother. He would come home and just ignore us all. There was tension. My mother covered for him too. She tried to save face in the neighborhood, and with her religious friends. Always trying to make light of him. They are still married and living together.
I just assumed that it was normal him to drink in that way. Not drink for a year then drink for a week. Then not drink for 6 months then drink for a week. My mom would just tell us when we asked about him during that time "well you know your dad is doing his thing". Then all of sudden they would both show up at my house like if everything in the world was great. Very confusing.
On the other hand. Hanging around an old guy (FIL) who enjoyed music...cooking and drinking was really cool. Always laughing, joking, having fun. Well that was my normal for 10 years. I figured all long, as you go to work, love your kids and wife. Take care of those in need then cool. Except that when my FIL died...something changed. That is where i'm at.
I kept drinking like when he was alive nine months after his death. But the stress of trying to be there for my family, my MIL, trying to deal with the aftermath. Also my father ended up going to the hospital 6 times during this time. My mother stopped talking to me, cause during all this confusion, I blamed her overbearing and condensending ways for my fathers drinking problem (I blamed his benders on her). That was until march 2011 when i found him alone in a bedroom without shower or restroom for days. Very scary and humiliating way to see him. I love parents despite all this, and i took him home to clean him up. That is when in trying to clean him up, I started to learn of detoxing him. Which led to the above conversation we had.
I drank out of control during those nine months. Was running around like a mad man trying to save my father from himself. Like i said, I though it was his choice to drink for 5-10 days in a row. Does he really not have any control after he starts?
I'm an open book. I'm as honest as can be regarding my life. We grew up very dysfuctional, and I have tried to undo all the damage my parents caused. It has been hard, still is. I'm trying to do the right thing here. Like i mentioned above. I thought that when i was ready to slow down I would, cause that is what my FIL did. But with all I read about genetics....weak alcohol metabolism...information overload (I'm a google doctor now). I'm stuck on what to.
That is why i am here. Something needs to change, but what. I know now that drinking everyday is not good (even though my FIL did for close to 50 years then slowed down on his own...no AA...no pressure from family). I guess the big question I have, and the one my father still hasn't answered is this. What happened to my father, that did not happen to my FIL? When i told my father "dad i tried drinking all day, I don't know what you get out of it" He answered, "when have you ever seen me drink all day? I never drank all day in my life....this is what happens to me when i do drink"
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You seem to be seeking the knowledge that will let you drink like a normal person, or, like your FIL, go from problem drinker to regular drinker.
You can't. You inherited your father's genes, not your father in laws.
Quit drinking and quit thinking about what could be, cause it can't.
You can't. You inherited your father's genes, not your father in laws.
Quit drinking and quit thinking about what could be, cause it can't.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
You seem to be seeking the knowledge that will let you drink like a normal person, or, like your FIL, go from problem drinker to regular drinker.
You can't. You inherited your father's genes, not your father in laws.
Quit drinking and quit thinking about what could be, cause it can't.
You can't. You inherited your father's genes, not your father in laws.
Quit drinking and quit thinking about what could be, cause it can't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: roller coaster, AL
Posts: 297
It gets really hard when you try to analize all those around you and how you were raised.
I can relate to this but I don't have any answers. Just keep looking and searching for the answer that works for you. I'm real sure that the first step is to start looking for answers..:ghug3
I can relate to this but I don't have any answers. Just keep looking and searching for the answer that works for you. I'm real sure that the first step is to start looking for answers..:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I grew up with an abusive step father. I realized he was an alcoholic after I realized I was one. How did that happen? I just thought his drinking was normal thats how every one drank etc.. Its funny too because after I had realized I was analcoholic but had not realized he was one yet I was telling someone about my childhood and how he was and that person without me telling him that he drank the first question that person asked was "was he an alcoholic?" i was like well i dunno i guess he drank a bit and he said "sure sounds like one to me the behaivior youd ont have to tell me he drank and i can tell by the rest he must have" Thats when the light bulb went on in my head.
It almost sounds like your having trouble wrapping your head around it realizing what you thought was just normal and totally ok and fine your now realizing maybe isnt so fine.
It almost sounds like your having trouble wrapping your head around it realizing what you thought was just normal and totally ok and fine your now realizing maybe isnt so fine.
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