Change in relationship with husband
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: UK
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Change in relationship with husband
I met my husband and married him in active alcoholism. I got sober a year after we married. He was also a very heavy drinker and put down the drink in support of me, which I am very grateful for.
As I get stronger in my recovery, we seem to grow further apart. He doesn't attend Al-Anon or any other support group. He did come to an AA meeting with me yesterday and has been to a few in the past and does keep on saying that he identifies so much with everyone who shares.
He told me last night that he feels 'redundant' - like I don't need him anymore. I explained that I do still need him and want him but it's in a different way now. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck most of the time when I was drinking and did lean a lot on him for support.
I know I can't force him to get his own help/support as this decision will have to come from him but I'd be interested to hear of any other recovering alcoholics who have experienced similar with their relationships. I guess it's a period of re-adjustment
As I get stronger in my recovery, we seem to grow further apart. He doesn't attend Al-Anon or any other support group. He did come to an AA meeting with me yesterday and has been to a few in the past and does keep on saying that he identifies so much with everyone who shares.
He told me last night that he feels 'redundant' - like I don't need him anymore. I explained that I do still need him and want him but it's in a different way now. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck most of the time when I was drinking and did lean a lot on him for support.
I know I can't force him to get his own help/support as this decision will have to come from him but I'd be interested to hear of any other recovering alcoholics who have experienced similar with their relationships. I guess it's a period of re-adjustment
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pine Grove, PA
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We clean up our side of the street and trudge the road of happy destiny. My marriage of 30 yrs went up in smoke as we drifted apart. The important fact in this is I did not pick up a drink and continue on the journey. I will tell you that my ex and I are both happier apart and not enmeshed in a screwed relationship.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Hi,
Thanks for sharing that. My situation is a bit different. When I met my wife I smoked and drank. Both caused no end of tension in the relationship as she was a non-smoker, light drinker. Where I was a packet a night with about 20 drinks to wash it down. Unlike previous relationships, I managed to keep it together despite a lot of disagreement about my habits. I simply adapted. When our first was born I knew I had to quit smoking so I did with a lot of will power and a ton of nicotine replacement patches. I carried on drinking for the next 11 years and went past that point from heavy drinker to alcoholic somewhere along the line.
The funny thing is, my wife is annoyed she doesn't have anything to get ****** with me about. I used to get the third degree about my drinking and embarrassing antics after every social event we attended. When I had to behave and only have "a couple" I used to get snarled at for mopping about at social events, sulking that I couldn't have more and basically being a miserable git. Now I don't drink and she's still not happy and is dubious about my recovery, AA and the 12 Steps! Its a good thing its an agreement between me and my HP! Despite that, I accept it all and don't complain, she'll come round. Serenity to accept what you cannot change and all that. Its who she is and hopefully she'll learn to let go. Four months ago I would've sought refuge in a bottle.
You are lucky because you know what he is going through and are in an ideal position to help him get there. Ultimately he is going to have to do it himself for himself. You will be there to support him.
BTW. Have you seen the movie "Smashed". Its not come out here yet but basically similar story to yours. Couple have shared love of drinking, get married, she sobers up and everything changes. Best, John.
Thanks for sharing that. My situation is a bit different. When I met my wife I smoked and drank. Both caused no end of tension in the relationship as she was a non-smoker, light drinker. Where I was a packet a night with about 20 drinks to wash it down. Unlike previous relationships, I managed to keep it together despite a lot of disagreement about my habits. I simply adapted. When our first was born I knew I had to quit smoking so I did with a lot of will power and a ton of nicotine replacement patches. I carried on drinking for the next 11 years and went past that point from heavy drinker to alcoholic somewhere along the line.
The funny thing is, my wife is annoyed she doesn't have anything to get ****** with me about. I used to get the third degree about my drinking and embarrassing antics after every social event we attended. When I had to behave and only have "a couple" I used to get snarled at for mopping about at social events, sulking that I couldn't have more and basically being a miserable git. Now I don't drink and she's still not happy and is dubious about my recovery, AA and the 12 Steps! Its a good thing its an agreement between me and my HP! Despite that, I accept it all and don't complain, she'll come round. Serenity to accept what you cannot change and all that. Its who she is and hopefully she'll learn to let go. Four months ago I would've sought refuge in a bottle.
You are lucky because you know what he is going through and are in an ideal position to help him get there. Ultimately he is going to have to do it himself for himself. You will be there to support him.
BTW. Have you seen the movie "Smashed". Its not come out here yet but basically similar story to yours. Couple have shared love of drinking, get married, she sobers up and everything changes. Best, John.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by bi11fish 
We clean up our side of the street and trudge the road of happy destiny. My marriage of 30 yrs went up in smoke as we drifted apart. The important fact in this is I did not pick up a drink and continue on the journey. I will tell you that my ex and I are both happier apart and not enmeshed in a screwed relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
It's definitely a period of adjustment, as you said. My marriage survived, but went through a lot of changes when I got sober.....some good, some not so good. We worked on it, and eventually became closer than before. I think being good friends with your partner is essential. That will get you through some rocky spots.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Hey,
If you look it up on IMDB web site there is a good write up. A review:
This film was one of two real standouts for me at the Sundance Film Festival 2012. Lead by two Oscar-worthy performances from Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Kate) and Aaron Paul (Charlie), "Smashed" accomplishes the impossible by addressing a very serious topic with depth and sympathy and realism, while still finding time to make the audience laugh hysterically now and then. Director James Ponsoldt and his co-writer Susan Burke deserve high praise for pulling off that feat. Additional kudos go to "Parks and Recreation's" Nick Offerman, as the deadpan sad- sack co-worker who takes Kate to AA and starts her on the road to sobriety. In a role that's the opposite of uber-confident Ron Swanson, he's hilarious as the always-ill-at-ease Dave.
This is one of those rare movies that is just like life: sometimes very funny, sometimes very sad, but always real. I hope it gets the audience it deserves.
If you look it up on IMDB web site there is a good write up. A review:
This film was one of two real standouts for me at the Sundance Film Festival 2012. Lead by two Oscar-worthy performances from Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Kate) and Aaron Paul (Charlie), "Smashed" accomplishes the impossible by addressing a very serious topic with depth and sympathy and realism, while still finding time to make the audience laugh hysterically now and then. Director James Ponsoldt and his co-writer Susan Burke deserve high praise for pulling off that feat. Additional kudos go to "Parks and Recreation's" Nick Offerman, as the deadpan sad- sack co-worker who takes Kate to AA and starts her on the road to sobriety. In a role that's the opposite of uber-confident Ron Swanson, he's hilarious as the always-ill-at-ease Dave.
This is one of those rare movies that is just like life: sometimes very funny, sometimes very sad, but always real. I hope it gets the audience it deserves.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my situation has some similiarities to john01967's. But I guess i also changed a lot i'm not exactly this happy go lucky laid back person anymore. Instead I'm a little more intense a little more decisive and a bit more impatient and determined and focused etc.. not realy in a bad way but my wifes said repeatidly that i'm not the same person and its like shes had to reget to know me to a degree. It hasnt been aweful for us but it was sortof an unexpected biproduct of quiting that we didnt expect.
She feels I'm more self rightous and such as well. I suppose i am to some degree because i see it as hey i was in the gutter I beat it and yes i'm sorry but i'm a bit proud of myself and i'm not going to be ashamed of that! That comes out however like i'm on my high horse etc..
She feels I'm more self rightous and such as well. I suppose i am to some degree because i see it as hey i was in the gutter I beat it and yes i'm sorry but i'm a bit proud of myself and i'm not going to be ashamed of that! That comes out however like i'm on my high horse etc..
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
Def going through some similiar stuff. Husband is not a drinker so that's not a problem. But he seems a bit lost...like what do I do now? He says he is supportive of AA but also seems annoyed when I go. He is also always thinking that I'm looking to meet a guy there. This is ridiculous...we've been married 24 yrs and I've never been interested in someone else. Overall, without having me to rescue, he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 600
As we get stronger in sobriety we become less needy of others, this inevitably changes our relationships, whether that be with a partner or other family members. It's a common theme.
Maybe there was an element of codependency when drinking, that's no longer there now. There certainly was in my past relationships where drink was involved.
Maybe there was an element of codependency when drinking, that's no longer there now. There certainly was in my past relationships where drink was involved.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
When we decide to get sober a lot of changes begin to happen.
If we don't grow together we'll grow apart.
A lot of it is our choices... a lot of it is God's will.
I try to do my best and have faith.
All the best.
Bob R
If we don't grow together we'll grow apart.
A lot of it is our choices... a lot of it is God's will.
I try to do my best and have faith.
All the best.
Bob R
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 77
I am glad I read this tread today. I also feel a little lost in my marriage. Now that I am sober I am more outspoken and don't take any crap and feel sorry for myself all the time. At the same time I do not let myself forget the pain that I put my family through. I am always paranoid that they are going to say to me one day "well, we are still upset about your behavior when you drank, see ya"
That scares me. I appreciate everyone sharing their stories here. It so helps my healing process.
That scares me. I appreciate everyone sharing their stories here. It so helps my healing process.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
As we get stronger in sobriety we become less needy of others, this inevitably changes our relationships, whether that be with a partner or other family members. It's a common theme.
Sounds a lot like my alcoholism accept her problems are something else. I see it as if i can work through my issues why cant she? Thats when i start to get angry and impatient. I've been patient for decades I drank to remain patient I have no patience left.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Originally Posted by digderidoo
As we get stronger in sobriety we become less needy of others, this inevitably changes our relationships, whether that be with a partner or other family members. It's a common theme.
Maybe there was an element of codependency when drinking, that's no longer there now. There certainly was in my past relationships where drink was involved.
Maybe there was an element of codependency when drinking, that's no longer there now. There certainly was in my past relationships where drink was involved.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 600
Maybe it's time to do new things together and make him feel wanted in other ways, there's a big wide world out there that needs exploring as a team. My girlfriend took me salsa dancing the other week, if only the my old drinking buddies could have seen me ... wouldn't do it again, but it was a good laugh to try.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I can totally relate. My H and I got sober 7+ months ago after 21 years of marriage when we started as binge drinkers and descended into alcoholism together. The last few years before we quit we were both daily blackout drinkers.
Things were initially great after we quit, I think because we both recognised that we could so easily have lost it all, and we worked very hard to build a new life as a couple.
The past few weeks have been testing. He doesn't do AA, and has never seemed to resent me going, but I think he hoped that by now I would have eased up on my meetings.
I am also changing, becoming more confident and less needy. I think maybe he feels threatened by that.
He is angry at the world. I am more accepting.
Life at the moment isn't easy I will be honest. But then, I never expected it to be a bed of roses.
I think honesty, tolerance and love go a long way. Some people just don't like change, even a positive one.
I hope things improve for you x
Things were initially great after we quit, I think because we both recognised that we could so easily have lost it all, and we worked very hard to build a new life as a couple.
The past few weeks have been testing. He doesn't do AA, and has never seemed to resent me going, but I think he hoped that by now I would have eased up on my meetings.
I am also changing, becoming more confident and less needy. I think maybe he feels threatened by that.
He is angry at the world. I am more accepting.
Life at the moment isn't easy I will be honest. But then, I never expected it to be a bed of roses.
I think honesty, tolerance and love go a long way. Some people just don't like change, even a positive one.
I hope things improve for you x
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I know also my wifes been afraid what drastic thing i'll do next. I guess i've changed a lot and shes been concerned i'll walk out on her or unleash on her or something. I've had to reassure her a lot that i was simply addressing some matters iwth other people and firneds and no worries she wasnt next on my list or something.
I've become more cold and calculated instead of mr laid back hunky dory hand me another beer. I think thats scared her. I cant change who i am being that laid back hunky dory guy again would probably require a beer in my hand at this stage its not going to happen so all i can do is try and reassure her.
I also will admit I'm different she want smore snuggle time or wtvr and honestly i'm in 0 mood. I'm not as sensitive i'm probably a bit more abraisive. I try to hide it and still come off soft but I know i probably dont do it well. I'm sure this worries her but theres nothing wrong with her i'm just sorting things out etc..
I've become more cold and calculated instead of mr laid back hunky dory hand me another beer. I think thats scared her. I cant change who i am being that laid back hunky dory guy again would probably require a beer in my hand at this stage its not going to happen so all i can do is try and reassure her.
I also will admit I'm different she want smore snuggle time or wtvr and honestly i'm in 0 mood. I'm not as sensitive i'm probably a bit more abraisive. I try to hide it and still come off soft but I know i probably dont do it well. I'm sure this worries her but theres nothing wrong with her i'm just sorting things out etc..
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
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I think I agree with most of what everyone else said, when you get better, you maybe are not so needy and the other person may feel like they're losing you. I really learned to become more independent, in fact even too much, I didn't want help from anyone. I'm hard headed, lol!! Hopefully you all just need to try to do something "different" to connect again. Good luck!! 
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Sobriety can have a strange effect on people and relationships.
My father was an acute alcoholic while I was growing up in the 1970's. After my Mom died when I was 7 he got so bad in his drinking he would vanish for days. My younger siblings got sent back to Europe to live with our Grandparents and I and my brother went in and out of Catholic Care and dragged around the country until the old man left us at a church in Kings Cross, Sydney and vanished for weeks. The Government stepped in and made us wards of the state at ages 10 and 12. At the court session he was a no-show and we entered the Government run care system at the which was little more than a dumping ground. Months later we learned that he'd ended up in an asylum and was recovering. He went sober and eventually we were allowed back into his care under strict conditions. Being ever cunning he moved state with us in tow and took up gambling with a vengeance and was always angry, never settled and worse than ever. I honestly remember wishing he would take up drinking again to spare us all the misery. I hated him more as an ex-drunk than when he was a drunk.
As soon as I could I left home and entered the military and for the next 25 years never spoke to him and lost track of his location. Recently I learned he died a lonely alcoholic. This knowledge helped drive me to rock bottom and come out the other side. I could not have done this without humbly applying Steps 1-3. The spiritual journey within the 12 Steps is the key for me and has really helped me though a lot of issues I have including bi-polar and depression which I medicated with alcohol. I'm far more accepting and tolerant than I was before. I believe that had my Father sought the medical treatment he needed and surrendered to a HP and found AA it may have been a lot different. People get wound up in themselves. I see this journey as forgetting self, seeking the truth and casting off the barriers that cut us off from our spiritual growth and love.
My father was an acute alcoholic while I was growing up in the 1970's. After my Mom died when I was 7 he got so bad in his drinking he would vanish for days. My younger siblings got sent back to Europe to live with our Grandparents and I and my brother went in and out of Catholic Care and dragged around the country until the old man left us at a church in Kings Cross, Sydney and vanished for weeks. The Government stepped in and made us wards of the state at ages 10 and 12. At the court session he was a no-show and we entered the Government run care system at the which was little more than a dumping ground. Months later we learned that he'd ended up in an asylum and was recovering. He went sober and eventually we were allowed back into his care under strict conditions. Being ever cunning he moved state with us in tow and took up gambling with a vengeance and was always angry, never settled and worse than ever. I honestly remember wishing he would take up drinking again to spare us all the misery. I hated him more as an ex-drunk than when he was a drunk.
As soon as I could I left home and entered the military and for the next 25 years never spoke to him and lost track of his location. Recently I learned he died a lonely alcoholic. This knowledge helped drive me to rock bottom and come out the other side. I could not have done this without humbly applying Steps 1-3. The spiritual journey within the 12 Steps is the key for me and has really helped me though a lot of issues I have including bi-polar and depression which I medicated with alcohol. I'm far more accepting and tolerant than I was before. I believe that had my Father sought the medical treatment he needed and surrendered to a HP and found AA it may have been a lot different. People get wound up in themselves. I see this journey as forgetting self, seeking the truth and casting off the barriers that cut us off from our spiritual growth and love.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
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I have to say from my experience you are very lucky to have a husband that does not sway you from meeting and/or fellowship. When I came home sober 2 years ago from treatment, my family was terrible! They didn't understand that I had an addiction to alcohol and pills and thought it was ridiculous for me to participate in anything AA related. I could not go to meetings, talk to new people, or pray without being ridiculed. I had to leave the home, even leaving my oldest children behind to stay sober. So having some support is a wonderful thing.
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