Caledonia1

I've been a member of the fellowship for 10 months now and there is something bothering me.

A member whom has been a great help believes that AA comes before everything, even family. I recently heard this person share and discovered that he left his wife to devote his time to AA. He's longtime sober.

What do you think? Should AA come before family? I don't.
I love AA but I love my family more.

Sapling

I believe my sobriety should come before my family....Without it...I have no family.Why this guy left his wife? I don't have a clue.

AlwaysGrowing

Sober before family. Yes.
Does that mean some people have to leave their loved ones and attend meetings yes.

Does that mean some people use that as an escape yes...

Do we know the true ins-outs of another marriage no....

For me God comes before all else. He saved me and will never let me down. He is the only true unconditional love.

AG

Caledonia1

Take Christmas Eve for instance, I have 2 daughters and obviously Santa to organise and he made me feel awful because I didn't attend a meeting. Surely in that situation family should come first

Dee74

Reading between the lines, regardless of the justification offered I think this is probably a personal issue not an AA one Caledonia.

It's been a really busy week.
I'd like to ask/warn everybody not to turn this into another one of *those threads*.

D

aasharon90

Recovery programs are available for
all members of the family if they want
to stay together to have healthy, happy
relationships with each other. They are
available to hold families together like glue
is used to hold broken pieces together.

In many relationships, families, if one is
sick with addiction and is using a recovery
program to get better, many of the other
members don't understand the change in
them which results in a lack of understanding
and support.

Many helpful suggestions are always available
to help families and relationships stay together
with love, care and understanding.

TheEnd

You should put your sobriety before anything else, but that doesn't mean necessarily neglecting your family. If you are feeling particularly vulnerable and you have a choice between attending a meeting and going out to a movie with your family, then by all means go to a meeting. However, don't feel guilty because you chose your family above going to a meeting. The meetings are to help aid in your recovery not make you feel conflicted about your feelings. Some people get way too carried away with the fellowship and let it take over their lives. I once knew a guy who was about to evicted from his apartment, but said he didn't have time to look for a job, because he was too busy with the fellowship and attending meetings. Oh please, there is a time and place for everything.

Decide how much is enough for you and don't let other people fill you with guilt, just because they have a lot of sober time. The rooms are full of whack jobs, make your friends wisely.

Caledonia1

Thanks Dee, you're probably right.

Just getting it out has been enough for me to solve the problem in my own head.

miamifella

For me, I needed a higher purpose in life than just staying clean. I needed something to stay clean for. It took finding a life of service for me.

I think it sounds like these people are leading a self-centered life and demanding that the world accommodate them. And you can use AA to do that if you want.

But I think living a responsible life centered on others is healthier.

If I gave up family and community for AA, I would be drinking and drugging in no time.

Caledonia1

The End You've got it in a nutshell. That's exactly how I feel.
Thanks

jennikate

Well, I think balance and moderation can be a hard thing for alcoholics. That being said, if I had to put one above the other, I'd put my sobriety first. Without it, I believe I'd be dead. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who (mostly) understands.

MIRecovery

The whole point of AA is to lead a happy and full life without alcohol. Yes, sobriety always comes first but AA and family can be balanced. I go to a lot of meetings but I also have time for my loved ones and life in general. AA allows me life it is not my life.

Dee74

I'm not in AA - but nothing comes before my family (my partner).

Of course if I let my recovery slip, I'd be letting her down and exposing her to a former me I hope she never gets to experience...so it's all a little circular really...

D

freshstart57

In most cases, we do best in early sobriety with the support of immediate family and friends. Anyone who would attempt to make someone feel guilty for spending time with family on Christmas eve instead of attending an AA meeting has some serious issues. Surely this is indeed an isolated case.

ru12

One of the reasons I wanted so desperately to become sober was to be a better father and husband. But I also realize that if I am drunk I am neither. So I believe there must be some middle ground where sobriety is maintained and that family commitments are honored.
But I'm not in AA so consider that if you give this reply any weight.

neferkamichael

Caledonia, there is no way to predict that a sober father/mother is going to be better to thier family than a drunk father/mother. My father was an alcoholic and he made sure he had a enough money to stay drunk all the time but he did dool out the rest of his money to his family. Inspite of the fact that he was a drunk, I was never hungry and had a home to go to until the day he died. Sobriety is indepedent of AA although I go regularly. Your family is more important than soberiety or AA.

Jeni26

I got sober FOR my family. I was not a great wife/mother/sister etc when I was constantly drunk. I go to meetings and meet with my sponsor 3-4 evenings a week, and am aware that takes me away from them, but they understand.
I would miss a meeting if it conflicted with something special in their lives. I would also have missed it on Christmas Eve like you did.
It's all about striking a balance. I don't always get it right.
For what it's worth, I don't think you've anything to feel guilty about Cale.
You're doing great xx

hamabi

You have the right to place anything you choose ahead of anything else, and that the fellow you mentioned has made a choice different than yours has no effect on you.

Someone else might place a higher importance of family than maintaining their sobriety, and ahead of both those areas consider auto maintenence as the highest priority of all. It's their choice and no one else's concern.

crackerboy

Putting my recovery before everything else is one thing. Those who have made the observation that if I don't put it before my family I won't have a family for very much longer are entirely correct. However, putting AA -- or any fellowship -- ahead of my family is something else.

Recovery isn't about quitting; it's about learning to live a balanced life that allows me to function effectively in society. Anyone can quit drinking or using other drugs. I did it many times.

The key to recovery (and life in general) is balance.

If my life is unbalanced, I have to do something to balance it. In early recovery, I needed to lean heavily in the direction of my 12-step fellowship(s) in order to maintain my balance. As I developed more recovery skills I was able to achieve more of a Middle Path, balancing family, friends, work and the fellowships more equally. That kind of balance is what recovery is all about. It's not about turning AA into another addiction, nor using it to justify other behavior. I need to be able to justify my behavior on its own merits, not make excuses for it.

It is quite possible (in fact, quite common) for us to be clean and sober, but out of balance and with an incomplete grasp of recovery.

Caledonia1

Thanks Jeni