Tetra

I have posted here before about my family problems. Christmas was such a difficult time. I can't wait to get back to college next week.

I have been sober for over a year. A few days ago I bought a bottle of wine. I can't explain, it was like a fog. I don't really remember buying it. Like sometimes when I'm out for a long walk, I don't focus on where I'm going, I'm usually thinking of something else and before I know it I'm at my destination. I do remember feeling dirty as I handed over my money and I do remember the cashier looking at me like I was scum...

Anyway I took it home and poured myself a glass. And I drank it. And then I began to feel really really strange, and sick. So I made myself throw it up again. (Sorry if this is gross.) And I felt better after that, and I poured the rest of the bottle down the toilet.

The answers to my problems are not at the bottom of a cheap bottle of wine from the local newsagents...I must keep plugging away, if you all know what I mean...

paul99

Sorry to hear about your holidays. And yes, you have learned a lesson about alcohol - it doesn't answer what it is we sought it out to answer in the first place. It was our solution, but a poor solution. It sounds like that "strange mental blank spot" as it is called in AA...we are defenseless against that first drink. Your instinct to rid of it was noble. I am glad that you tossed the rest - who knows where that would have led you.

Thepatman

I still remember my last relapse. It tasted awful, like my body was rejecting it.

Now my body is fine with herbal tea ;-)

Positivefuture

You did a good job throwing it out! It could have been worse. Keep plugging along.

miko67

Yeah well done tetra. It isn't the answer , you have done well to go over Christmas. It will be better again when you can get your head into your studies. Dint beat yourself up, I think a force mightier than you said no to you there.
Peace

Anna

I'm sorry that happened.

I do hope that you will continue to read and post and work on your recovery.

Hevyn

Hi Tetra. I'm so sorry you've had a rough go of it. Surely things will get better for you. I understand the need to calm & soothe ourselves when things are stressful, but I think we're finally learning there's no comfort in that bottle. It will only turn on us and add to our troubles.

I probably wouldn't have poured the wine out - likely would've probably finished it and been looking for more. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. I'm so glad you had the strength to fight the beast. Better, brighter days are ahead.

Sasha4

Tetra, I'm worried about you, in the nicest way.

I read your post and thought about it for a bit.

Here's what I thought.

Drink became a problem in your life and with your hard work, your determinism, you can proudly say you have over a year sober.
Some people can never say that.
At the moment, I can't say that as I am only 325 days drink free.
Essentially, you had to remove drink from your life. Most of the work was down to you and you received help from your Dad, your grandma, your auntie.

You found ways to cope with life without drink and have built a new, pretty impressive life for yourself.
You are studying and have plans to go to India ( I seem to remember?) and you are recovering.

However there is another problem in your life - your family.
While I do not doubt that you love them, care very deeply for them, at times they cause you pain and this is threatening your sobriety.
If it continues and you relapse, you won't be studying. You won't be going to India.
You need to find a way of removing the family problems from your life, just like you did the drink.
I know that is not as simple as it sounds and moving out may not be an option.
Perhaps it is in the way you react to them.
Perhaps it in the way you do not give them any power over your life.

I am proud that you poured the wine away but it's still to me a warning sign.
Something that needs to be taken seriously.

Have you thought about getting further help to assist you with dealing with your mum?
Talking to someone who is qualified to help?
Maybe at college they have student counsellors?
Your close to your aunty could you share with her?

You can't keep living in the environment you do and it not impact on you.

I understand the feeling of disappointment when you expect non-judgmental, unconditional love from your mum but it is not given.

I am not in anyway saying that she does not love you, but I don't think her way is the right way.

I loved your post about celebrating in Starbucks your year.
I want to read loads more like that from you.
I want to read one from Starbucks in India if they have them there!!!!

Just keep going, keep mindful and please try to talk to someone out of the family equation about things.
I did it (the talking) and it did me a lot of good.

Lots of love to you xx

Sunny27

Hi Tetra

Congrats on your year.

You are right, the answers to your problems are not at the bottle of a wine bottle. Wine was my drink of choice as well and I am a year sober too.

I am also in Ireland

Just keep going - you have done brilliantly.

Best wishes to you.

xxxx