LorriK

I am powerless over alcohol because I have an illness. My controlling mentality prevents me from escaping my denial. I still believe in my mind that I can keep it under control. But my heart knows the whole truth ... that I must stop my "stinkin' thinkin'" and turn everything over to God. This concept goes for everything in my life. God wants ALL of me. For some insane reason, I keep trying to take back control. I have always tried to appear as the strong one in my family, I was always the peacemaker with all the answers. To accept the fact that I am actually weak goes against everything I have learned over the past forty-seven years.
My personal perspective on how things of how things should be is usually the exact opposite of the reality. The makes my life unmanageable. I love the definition of insanity ... to continually do something over and over again expecting a different result. This describes my life perfectly.

Caldus

LorriK, thanks for sharing your experience with step 1. My sponsor had me write down 5 separate experiences about unmanageability in my life. It really made me realize how pathetic of a life I have been living. A lot of missed and failed opportunities, a lot of inaction, a lot of embarrassing stuff, a lot of fear and isolation, and so on. I drank for relief at night and it started to affect other areas of my life badly. I tried so many different ways to control my drinking and I could never do it. I am powerless over alcohol and I need something beyond me to restore me to sanity. It is such an important step that really builds the foundation for everything else and one that I keep having to go back to all the time.

tomsteve

good stuff, lorri. when i got into AA, i had no problem with the powerless thing. then the fog started lidting and them thoughts came to me,too." maybe im really not an alcoholic. maybe i can drink." well, avery blunt but knowledgable man with quite a few years of sobriety( 38 years on the 6th) said to me," well no crap you can drink. i can,too. i proved it for many years. but can you have a few and walk away without thinkin about the next drink?" boy, wasi glad i was able to see that, no, i couldnt.
heres another definition of insanity, one that also fit me- doin the same thing over and over knowing the results were going to be the same.
then to find a power to restore me to sanity. one thing i was taught and firmly believe is that people that are insane dont know it. i dont recall ever thinkin i might have been insane.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Lorri. Welcome to SR!

Cool post. I'm not in AA, but I very much identify with the sense of reflection and self-discovery I see in your post.

You might also find these SR forums useful if you haven't seen them yet: Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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MIRecovery

You are certainly thinking along the right lines but IMO you are confusing step 1 with steps 2 and 3. God and turning things over has nothing to do with step 1. Step one is the only step we have to do perfectly and is the foundation of recovery. As such a lot of time has to be spent with it.

The steps come in order for a reason and each step has to be fully embraced and understood before moving to the next. Working the steps is not a race. Working the steps is about changing who you are at a very deep level. This is why a sponsor is so important.

You are doing great just do not bite off too much and work the steps one at a time.

sugarbear1

Maybe continue working through the steps a bit faster and maybe your entire perspective will change!

bbthumper

Once you do the work and have a spiritual awakening as the result, you will no longer be "weak."

This quote from the Big Book comes to mind.

"We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God"

Sapling

Have you read the Big Book?....You sound a lot like I was...This part blew me away the first time I read it.


The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

zjw

For starters remember when you where a kid and mom and dad took care of things so you didnt have to worry about stuff. its a lot like that with God he wants to take care of things so that you dont have to worry about it. But he wants to do it on His terms I'd imagine one of those terms is to not be drunk. He wants to clean you up polish you up and you to lean on Him for everything. Like you did with your parents as a child. Its way easier to live this way then to try and be in control of everything believe me i screw this up a lot! I too was the strong one the peacemaker and the one who always had it together what my family didnt realize was in order to cope with all the obstacles i sucked down an aweful lot of booze!

A few times in life i had no where else to turn to but God. I've learned my best bet is to not turn from him to begin with!.

It gets easier I promise! You'll be much better off in the end keep up the good work!.