Rubysoho

Hey. I'm 4 months sober. I've been learning about the cycle of grief, which is helping me understand the emotions I've been going through.
I've finally accepted that I'm an alcoholic but I'm still trying to convince myself that I can either 1) go on one last session, to get it out of my system or 2) instead of being abstinent, not drinking mostly but once a month get drunk.

I know this sounds silly. But the cravings are really getting to me and I want them to stop. So I'm thinking either of those might be helpful.

I've heard that one of the stages of grief is bargaining and I think this is what happening.

I guess what I'm asking is have I really accepted I'm an alcoholic if I'm still bargaining, and what should I do?!

Thanks everyone

Xune

I know I have an alcohol dependency that is in early remission.

Any thoughts I have that questions my certain knowledge regarding my relationship with alcohol, I know is the sickness of addiction trying to convince me that maybe I don't have a problem.

I am addict in recovery and always will be. I am never going to drink alcohol again and am grateful for that.

doggonecarl

I think you accepted you are an alcoholic; I'm just not sure you've accepted never drinking again.

Rubysoho

Thank you for your replies. That makes sense. I guess I haven't. This staying in the day thing, I'm ok with the idea of not drinking today. But I think I'm setting myself up for a fall and I don't know how to stop it ;-( It seems the longer I stay sober for the more annoying and persistant that voice in my head gets telling me to drink. And in my heart I think its going to win. I wish I was stronger.

Xune

You only have to be strong enough to not have the first drink.

That's it, no first drink and you will never drink again...ever.

Dee74

The one cast iron thing I had to accept was that any idea that drinking might be in someway beneficial to me is a lie.

Believe me... what you're thinking is very common Ruby...and I wager most of us have thought something like that.

There is no such thing as one last session to get it out of your system...

I lost count of how many times I tried to do that. It's kinda like hoping the engine might stop by constantly refilling the fuel tank with petrol.

There's no way to somehow quarantine your drinking to 'once a month get drunk' either...tried that too.

Sooner or later you find that you'll drink in the afternoon before the night, and then on the day after too to recover.

Before you know it, once a month has stretched out to a week...then 10 days, two weeks...and you're pretty much back to square one.
again.

sounds like you've almost resigned yourself already Ruby.
If you really don't want to drink...then don't.

I don't know what you've been doing for recovery, but if you want to stay sober, maybe you need to do more - make more changes, find more support?

work as hard or harder at not drinking as you do at drinking, or thinking about it.

you can absolutely stay sober, regardless of what your heart 'says'...if you're prepared to do what it takes?

D

stairs

The self talk that leads back to square one. It's a lie.

Fernaceman

Don't drink today. That's what I do. Tomorrow is a different story. But when tomorrow comes, repeat "don't drink today."

LadyinBC

That is your addictive part of your brain trying to rationalize it and bargain with you.

I think everyone wants the cravings to stop, but every once in awhile they creep up. Most cravings will last for 30 minutes. There are things you can do when this happens to ride them out. Sometimes I meditate and just think that I am in a nice peaceful place. I'll play with my dogs or my granddaughter. Sometimes I'lll play the tape thru and at the end of my binge there I sit with my daughter both of us disappointed that I gave in.

You will never beable to get it "out of your system". There will always be one more time. I think what you are feeling is normal and there is a grieving period when giving up the drinking.

paul99

If you're an alcoholic, then there is no bargaining. It's either on or it's off.

When you surrender, there is no bargaining either. There is then a true acceptance of your alcoholism, and then there is a chance to move on.

sunrise1

I spent 5 years on "one more night"...

For me, the whole "NEVER drinking again" thing was a totally chaotic thought. It wouldn't fit in my head. Which is why I think I tried to bargain myself around it so long.

I still haven't wrapped my head around NEVER.

What I HAVE wrapped my head around is that I wake up in the morning and I know I will not drink today. That's it, period. Not next week, next month, or 2016. This is not an easy thing to come to necessarily, and I'm not suggesting it is... but the minute I grasped that concept I really grasped it.

The time behind me is not as important as the rest of the hours in today, but I have 2 years 1 month of todays behind me. If anyone had told me 2 years ago I would be able to do this, I would have known they were completely crazy.

I have found great help and support in AA. Others' methods and opinions are all valid and vary widely. But my suggestion would be to spend some time going through the Big Book, AA's main text, with someone who has read it a few times themselves.

Best to you.

stepping

If you think the cravings are getting to you now just wait til ya go on that once a month bender. Add obsession, insanity, dread, hopelessness and failure to that. Also count on all logical thinking to hit the road. .... 4 months is great. Sure, I think you know you are an alcoholic and you are not having any thoughts that are foreign to alcoholics, like myself. It took me a long, long time to realize I can't drink....EVER again! I fought to be a normal drinker. But I warn you from experience it does NOT work for alcoholics to drink alcohol in any way AT ALL!

fini

I know this sounds silly.

yes, indeed.
been there, done that. a hundred times and then some. never worked for me.
the "kind of alcoholic i am" -- can't be gotten out of my system. and certainly can't moderate with rules about frequency of drinking.

it was finally understanding that very thing that let me see how it really is with me.


thinking, too, that the bargaining you speak of translates into "hey, pssst, psst, you're not really REALLY an alcoholic, come oooon!"

bargaining as denial.

what do you think?

Rubysoho

I just wanted to thank everyone so much for such thoughtful replies. I know we're on here for the same or similar reasons so getting advice from people who have 'been there and done that' is really really useful.

I've tried to drink in moderation in the past and I know it doesn't work. So I thought containing it might help. But you guys are right, I'll feel so bad about it.

I don't think I've said goodbye to the booze yet. I don't think I'll ever be ready. But I can handle the not drinking today thing. I think I can get through today without drinking. It was really helpful to hear that people have clocked up years of sobriety using that method.

I will start reading the big book again. I've read some of it. I have the mini version.

Thank you everyone x

oak

I smiled when I read that line, because I used to say that to myself all the time. That thought never occurs to me anymore and I'm not even sure when I stopped having that thought. It can feel tormenting to have the thoughts and cravings so much. But for me, the cravings got so much worse if I actually started drinking again. Drinking never satiated the craving or got it out of my system. Drinking only made the cravings worse.

I also find the focus of not drinking for today (or in this moment) helpful. It does get easier the longer you stay sober.

I like your concept that those thoughts might be part of the bargaining phase of grieving. Makes sense that it could be a normal part of change.

Dee74

I spent years waiting for the booze to say goodbye to me - that was the kind of relationships I would have...

I *never* ended things...it was always me, hanging on to a ridiculous degree to things that were hurting me...cos I was too scared to let go....

I learned it's ok to let go of things that are bad for me...it turns out ok

D

LittleNina

Hi. I'm new here

But I'm wondering if you've read anything about PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome)?

Sorry, but I don't know how to post a link yet, but there's plenty of information on this site & elsewhere...

From what I understand, PAWS peaks about 3-6 months after the initial detox period, and may explain some of the emotions you mentioned as well as the bargaining.

Its the addiction talking; you are strong! Hang in there and come to these forums often. Good people here


I'm on day 3; never made it this far & I will post an introduction soon. Been lurking a while



Best of luck to you Ruby!

Rubysoho

That's really encouraging to hear that other people have felt the same and they've moved past this stage. It gives me hope that I can too. And that letting go isn't as scary as it sounds!

LittleNina congratulations on 3 days sober. I remember this board being so useful in my first few weeks, it still is! I hadn't heard of PAWS but I just googled it, that sounds exactly nail-on-the-head what's going on with me. According to wiki 75% of recovering alcoholics experience it, so it good to know that it's a 'thing' and people bounce back from it.
Thank you for the encouragement, I need it! I wish you all the best in your recovery I remember day 2 being the worst day of my recovery, and you're past that, so well done!

Thanks guys x

Dee74

welcome to SR LittleNina

D

LadyinBC

It really does help to do it one day at a time. I don't think about tomorrow, a week from now or years from now. I just get thru one day.