Any advice for the shame of the first few days sober?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Any advice for the shame of the first few days sober?
I am prepared for the physical side effects of early sobriety, but the shame is usually what drives me back to drinking. How have/do you get past that? I like to think that I'm not a bad person, but the shame seems to flood me and the bad parts overwhelm the good parts of me. I think of all the things I've done and said and been when I was under the influence, or looking for alcohol.
I do feel positive about this sobriety attempt, and I'm trying to focus on that. But there are still images and memories that make me want to crawl under my bed and hide.
I am ready to quit, absolutely ready. Just a little scared to see who I am on the other side... My doctor identified a bunch of depressive symptoms and he said how these might be from the alcohol, or they might be the real me, but he seemed to imply that it's likely from the alcohol (which of course is a depressant). It's a daunting thing to think that maybe a large part of my personality/identity is because of a chemical I've introduced to myself.
Sorry, rambling. Here we go...
I'm excited and scared about this, but ready.
I do feel positive about this sobriety attempt, and I'm trying to focus on that. But there are still images and memories that make me want to crawl under my bed and hide.
I am ready to quit, absolutely ready. Just a little scared to see who I am on the other side... My doctor identified a bunch of depressive symptoms and he said how these might be from the alcohol, or they might be the real me, but he seemed to imply that it's likely from the alcohol (which of course is a depressant). It's a daunting thing to think that maybe a large part of my personality/identity is because of a chemical I've introduced to myself.
Sorry, rambling. Here we go...
I'm excited and scared about this, but ready.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
The only thing that helped me get past that shame (and boy, does that ever play on us) is by working the 12 steps of AA. I learned to clean up the wreckage of my past, so that I could eventually look the world square in the eye. It didn't happen overnight, but I found freedom soon after I started the program of recovery.
You are right in that shame will bring us back, as does guilt and remorse. And you are also correct in saying that you are not a bad person! In the end, I found that self-forgiveness was the key to my moving on. I can't undue the past, but I can find forgiveness for me even if others can't.
And yes, depression is closely linked to alcoholism. I was on four different meds, and in the end, I found that after I stopped drinking, I didn't need them anymore. Now, many do need them, so that is something that you will have to work with your doctor on.
You are right in that shame will bring us back, as does guilt and remorse. And you are also correct in saying that you are not a bad person! In the end, I found that self-forgiveness was the key to my moving on. I can't undue the past, but I can find forgiveness for me even if others can't.
And yes, depression is closely linked to alcoholism. I was on four different meds, and in the end, I found that after I stopped drinking, I didn't need them anymore. Now, many do need them, so that is something that you will have to work with your doctor on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Of those you know irl who don't drink at all or who have no ongoing problem with alcohol, do you observe them to be constantly consumed with shame?
If not, then you can reasonably expect the same for yourself after some time sober. Which is the long way to say the shame thing and any other excuses to drink are self-generated delusions and transitory.
Only an opinion, but I agree that while drinking much of our personalities are contstucts that protect our continued drinking. The person who must hide away, the bar bully, the very respectable person, the super mom, the high acheiver, the thinker above it all...endless.
If not, then you can reasonably expect the same for yourself after some time sober. Which is the long way to say the shame thing and any other excuses to drink are self-generated delusions and transitory.
Only an opinion, but I agree that while drinking much of our personalities are contstucts that protect our continued drinking. The person who must hide away, the bar bully, the very respectable person, the super mom, the high acheiver, the thinker above it all...endless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Wow, such good insights, Paul and Hamabi, thank you
Hamabi that's a really good observation about my sober friends and their levels of shame, it's not something I'd looked at before, but it's true - they have a "big night out" and laugh about it. They live their lives where a mistake is just a mistake, no blame.
Hamabi that's a really good observation about my sober friends and their levels of shame, it's not something I'd looked at before, but it's true - they have a "big night out" and laugh about it. They live their lives where a mistake is just a mistake, no blame.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi Alice You just have to feel it, let it be. Remembering the horrible feelings of shame & self-loathing I had as a drunk help me in my sober journey. As I move forward, I'll never allow myself to forget the wreckage of the past. I can forgive myself though.
You can do it! This site is wonderful! Women For Sobriety is excellent as well
You just have to feel it, let it be. Remembering the horrible feelings of shame & self-loathing I had as a drunk help me in my sober journey. As I move forward, I'll never allow myself to forget the wreckage of the past. I can forgive myself though.You can do it! This site is wonderful! Women For Sobriety is excellent as well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
I know what you mean. Shame, especially early on, seems to wash over you at random times and can be overwhelming. It's a feeling, and it will pass. The more you go forward with your positive plans, you will forgive yourself and it won't sting like it does now. Just know you WILL get through it! Feed your brain with as much positive stuff that you can, whether its from the AA Big Book (I am not an AA member but reading the twelve steps and twelve promises gives much hope!) browsing the Women For Sobriety website, or anything you can get your hands on that builds you.... Good in--dillutes the negative feelings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
That is where AA really helps. I know you said you can't get to AA. And I don't know if you have read any of the Big book or not. But if you havn't,give this a read.
Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition Big Book Online
If you are in a hurry,you might start with chapter 5 (how it works). But the whole book needs to be read before you throw in the towel and say this isn't for me.
I wish you the best.
Fred
Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition Big Book Online
If you are in a hurry,you might start with chapter 5 (how it works). But the whole book needs to be read before you throw in the towel and say this isn't for me.
I wish you the best.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Don't use the word "attempt." Are you attempting or are you quitting? The word attempt indicates doubt. You should have no doubt in your ability to quit. Think about all the negative things alcohol has done for you. You do realize it's the devil? The devil is calling you. Don't let it. It will always be there. You will be tempted. You will have cravings. Every time this happens, think about the negative it has caused you. Where do you want your life to go? Up or down. Do you want to succeed or fail? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. People aren't going to feel bad for you and aren't going to curb themselves because you have a problems. Millions can't drink. Wikipedia the amount of famous celebrities that do not drink. You aren't alone and there is nothing to be ashamed about. Make a list of things you want to accomplish or hobbies you always wanted to get into. Pick one or two and go and DO IT. You won't be able to do everything you wanted to do but pick something. SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELF. The money you would have spent drinking... Go out and get a massage. Treat yourself to a delicious meal from a fine restaurant. Buy yourself a pair of nice designer sunglasses you wanted. Do it every week! I used to spend 60-100 dollars a week easily at the bar. Now I get a massage, buy a fine cigar, and buy a nice meal or shirt or something. There is so much in life that can bring you happiness other then alcohol. Not saying material things bring happiness because they don't. But don't be cheap. Realize you no longer drink and instead of drinking you spend money on other things to give yourself an outlet. You NEED an outlet. We all do.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Living in the present is the way that I deal with shame (and regrets and resentments). When you think about it, those feelings I just described all concern behaviors which happened in the past. It's history and there is nothing you can do about it.
The flip side of this is fear and anxiety, two other feelings I've often drunk over. Both of these feelings concern things that might happen in the future.
I've found that if I live "one day at a time" as the trite AA saying goes, I can better deal with this. This is an area where the AA program helped me a lot, teaching me how to do this. Living your life in 24 hour segments and trying to do "the next right thing" (another trite AA slogan) helps. Don't get me wrong, this takes some time to accomplish, but it does work.
The flip side of this is fear and anxiety, two other feelings I've often drunk over. Both of these feelings concern things that might happen in the future.
I've found that if I live "one day at a time" as the trite AA saying goes, I can better deal with this. This is an area where the AA program helped me a lot, teaching me how to do this. Living your life in 24 hour segments and trying to do "the next right thing" (another trite AA slogan) helps. Don't get me wrong, this takes some time to accomplish, but it does work.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Alice, The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous might help: ......
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
"The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
All the best.
Bob R
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
"The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
Living in the present is the way that I deal with shame (and regrets and resentments). When you think about it, those feelings I just described all concern behaviors which happened in the past. It's history and there is nothing you can do about it.
The flip side of this is fear and anxiety, two other feelings I've often drunk over. Both of these feelings concern things that might happen in the future.
I've found that if I live "one day at a time" as the trite AA saying goes, I can better deal with this. This is an area where the AA program helped me a lot, teaching me how to do this. Living your life in 24 hour segments and trying to do "the next right thing" (another trite AA slogan) helps. Don't get me wrong, this takes some time to accomplish, but it does work.
The flip side of this is fear and anxiety, two other feelings I've often drunk over. Both of these feelings concern things that might happen in the future.
I've found that if I live "one day at a time" as the trite AA saying goes, I can better deal with this. This is an area where the AA program helped me a lot, teaching me how to do this. Living your life in 24 hour segments and trying to do "the next right thing" (another trite AA slogan) helps. Don't get me wrong, this takes some time to accomplish, but it does work.
I prefer "truism" because it's true.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
For me, going to rehab made it so I could talk about my addiction. But the real cure for the shame was openness. When my friends found out I was an addict it was a shock to them and created great shame. But when they showed support and were able to joke about me being an addict, I overcame the shame.
I think the cure is practice. If you get used to talking about your addiction, eventually the shame dissipates.
I think the cure is practice. If you get used to talking about your addiction, eventually the shame dissipates.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Trite ?? What is your meaning of trite?
I prefer "truism" because it's true
I never said it wasn't true, as my post indicated, it's worked for me. What I mean by trite is that many people don't understand what it really means.
Some examples of "trite"
. . . lacking in freshness or effectiveness because of constant use or excessive repetition
. . . being worn out by overuse so as to become dull and meaningless
. . . not fresh
. . . overuse or repetition
What I've observed is that people may say, for example, 'live one day at a time."
I've heard that saying since I was about 8, and I'm north of 50 right now, so that's a long time, and it's a trite saying in my opinion. That dosen't mean it's not true, or valuable. What I mean is that many people don't really understand what it means or think about it at a deeper level. In some ways I think people may view it as a superficial expression, like "have a nice day."
In my experience it wasn't until I got into AA, worked the steps, developed a morning and evening routine, brought meditation into my life, etc. that I understood what living one day at a time was really all about. That, the trite saying "live one day at a time" could have much deeper implications.
I prefer "truism" because it's true
I never said it wasn't true, as my post indicated, it's worked for me. What I mean by trite is that many people don't understand what it really means.
Some examples of "trite"
. . . lacking in freshness or effectiveness because of constant use or excessive repetition
. . . being worn out by overuse so as to become dull and meaningless
. . . not fresh
. . . overuse or repetition
What I've observed is that people may say, for example, 'live one day at a time."
I've heard that saying since I was about 8, and I'm north of 50 right now, so that's a long time, and it's a trite saying in my opinion. That dosen't mean it's not true, or valuable. What I mean is that many people don't really understand what it means or think about it at a deeper level. In some ways I think people may view it as a superficial expression, like "have a nice day."
In my experience it wasn't until I got into AA, worked the steps, developed a morning and evening routine, brought meditation into my life, etc. that I understood what living one day at a time was really all about. That, the trite saying "live one day at a time" could have much deeper implications.
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
I know this is a biggie to get over, but there is no shame in saying "I want to be a better person, and I recognize for me this means not drinking"...
The real shame is in the ones who can't be honest with themselves even after hurting themselves and others.
I found my sobriety solidified when I realized I was accomplishing on a daily basis what so many can't bring themselves to do. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.
The real shame is in the ones who can't be honest with themselves even after hurting themselves and others.
I found my sobriety solidified when I realized I was accomplishing on a daily basis what so many can't bring themselves to do. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Thank you all, I will look into the link to the Big Book and the Women for Sobriety. You've all said things I will use to help me, thank you.
Today has been OK so far... I usually set tasks for my weekends eg clean the car, mow the lawn, wash the dog, do the dishes, wash clothes, clean, vacuum etc but today I'm just letting myself do whatever. If I want to do some dishes I will, if I want to wash the car I will, but I will not be following a "to do" list today - I'm not going to set myself up to feel guilty for not achieving things (there is only one important achievement for today!)
That being said I'm going to keep myself busy with positive things - i've just come back from a trip to the shop to get some sandwich fixings, and (despite leaving my phone in the shopping basket) it went well (walked right past the Liquor store four times - on the way in, on the way out... then frantically back on the way in to look for my phone, and out again!).
I ended up leaving my phone in the shopping basket and the basket was returned to the pile near the front door (It was about 30 minutes before I realised). Thankfully the phone was still in the basket, the basket buried at the bottom of the pile. That was a real heart-pumping moment I can tell you! It took my mind of alcohol for a good 5 minutes though haha
Today has been OK so far... I usually set tasks for my weekends eg clean the car, mow the lawn, wash the dog, do the dishes, wash clothes, clean, vacuum etc but today I'm just letting myself do whatever. If I want to do some dishes I will, if I want to wash the car I will, but I will not be following a "to do" list today - I'm not going to set myself up to feel guilty for not achieving things (there is only one important achievement for today!)
That being said I'm going to keep myself busy with positive things - i've just come back from a trip to the shop to get some sandwich fixings, and (despite leaving my phone in the shopping basket) it went well (walked right past the Liquor store four times - on the way in, on the way out... then frantically back on the way in to look for my phone, and out again!).
I ended up leaving my phone in the shopping basket and the basket was returned to the pile near the front door (It was about 30 minutes before I realised). Thankfully the phone was still in the basket, the basket buried at the bottom of the pile. That was a real heart-pumping moment I can tell you! It took my mind of alcohol for a good 5 minutes though haha
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Most of my shame was how my daughter felt about my drinking. And my daughter seeing me drunk and my apartment a total mess. She told me off many times when I was drunk. So far I have been sober for 5 months and never once has she ever thrown anything back in my face or made me feel bad.
We talk about what I did, how I felt and how she felt thru all this and how she feels now. Unfortuately I can't change what happened all I can do is apologize and move forward. I don't want to put myself back there again so I try real hard to not to put myself in the pity mode of being shameful. The pity pot is not a good place for me at all. Hope that makes sense.
We talk about what I did, how I felt and how she felt thru all this and how she feels now. Unfortuately I can't change what happened all I can do is apologize and move forward. I don't want to put myself back there again so I try real hard to not to put myself in the pity mode of being shameful. The pity pot is not a good place for me at all. Hope that makes sense.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Alice! So glad you are here with us.
I definitely relate to what you said. Remorse, guilt, shame - sent me back to drinking every time I started to "come to". When I found SR and could talk about these feelings, I found I was not alone. Everyone had been through it to some degree. I was advised to stop reliving the past - to reach out for the life yet to be. Most people don't remember half the things we think they do. The bad memories will fade in time, and people will think of you as the sober and sane person they see before them.
I love it that you're excited (if a little scared). I was the same way - we are letting go of something we clung to for so long. It's over, though - the fun times are never coming back. It's toxic to us now. Time for a brand new and beautiful life, free from that poison.
I definitely relate to what you said. Remorse, guilt, shame - sent me back to drinking every time I started to "come to". When I found SR and could talk about these feelings, I found I was not alone. Everyone had been through it to some degree. I was advised to stop reliving the past - to reach out for the life yet to be. Most people don't remember half the things we think they do. The bad memories will fade in time, and people will think of you as the sober and sane person they see before them.
I love it that you're excited (if a little scared). I was the same way - we are letting go of something we clung to for so long. It's over, though - the fun times are never coming back. It's toxic to us now. Time for a brand new and beautiful life, free from that poison.
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