bryangt

Been sober for over 21 months now and I continue to struggle with issues like happiness, serenity, letting go (& Letting God)...etc...The AA meetings I attend defiantly keep me on track, but because I have to rely on others for rides, I am hitting the same meetings every week...grateful to be able to go to meetings I guess.

It amazes me that as I struggle, I usually hear something or read something that provides a direction for me to continue in. But at the same time I feel stuck. I have a job that is the most negative job situation I have ever been in...it often threatens my sobriety, but I need to pay bills etc...

I lost my license for 10 years due to my 3rd DUI....and letting go of that is very difficult for me as I traveled most of my life, live very secluded out in the country and often feel like a prisoner when I am home (alone most of the time.)

I work very hard to chase away my dark thoughts, which usually involve me not being alive anymore...why bother, I lived my life and now I struggle with everyday living and surviving. I had it so much better when I was drinking. But as a result of my drinking, I am where I am now. I cannot afford a shrink, which I probably need, don't even have health insurance.

I just don't know what the 'plan' is for me?? I try to listen after I pray & meditate, but usually those noisy & often negative committee members start making chatter in my head.

I try & keep my head down & move forward, 24 hours at a time...but not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel keeps the negatives around.

They say things will get better, but so far things keep getting worse...usually family related news is all bad...failing health of parents, my grown children are struggling to survive and have gotten in some legal trouble, friends die, move away...I am waiting for things to get better or my Higher Power to show me a sign, but instead, I seems like life keeps piling on worry, sorrow and struggles.

Sorry for rambling...I just needed to get these things off my chest. I know I need to try to be more grateful, and to practice these principals in all my affairs...I try, but it always seems to go backwards for me....peace & Happy New Year.

2granddaughters

Do you have an AA sponsor ?
I suffer from a gross lack of gratitude as well most times.
For as long as I can remember whatever I had/received just never quite measured up.

Congrats on your 21 months but you are just beginning this new way of life.
I am 20'some years sober and still rely on the 30'some year oldtimers for strength and direction. Have faith and hope (you just need a little of each) and keep going to your meetings.

All the best.

Bob R

DAB

We all feel that way sometimes.
I have the biggest challenge to my sobriety coming up in mid January and I will need all the support I can get from here, my home group, my sponsor, and my higher power to get through it.

PurpleCheetah

[QUOTE=bryangt;3737194]I am waiting for things to get better or my Higher Power to show me a sign
QUOTE]

My advice is to not wait around for things to get better. You've got to make them happen for yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I imagine you know that already. For me, getting off and staying off the sauce has been the hardest thing I've ever done. That hard work has paid off because many things are better. They are not where I'd hoped they would be and a lot of times I'm negative or lose hope, but they are better.

TheEnd

When things aren't going the way we would like, it's hard for us to see the bright spots that truly do exist. This might be a time to get out and do something for someone else. It will help you focus on yourself less and you will be doing something for someone else.

Just sit back and be patient and take it a day at time. Things won't always be like this, you just have to give yourself time to see things through.

instant

The daily practice of writing down what I am grateful for really helped me focus on the positives. It takes a while to work but it does work. See gratitude lists on main menu.

bryangt

Thanks for all your needful replies! Yes, I do have a sponsor, I have worked the 'Steps' & I go to 3 sometimes 4 meetings a week. I know I need to be patient and my impatience is a defect of my past which I try to work on daily. I cling on to the words of the 'oldtimers' of the meetings I attend. And yes, I know I have to try & reach out more to help others, because when I have in the past, I always feel better after doing so...'trudging forward'...Thanks

Dee74

I wish I had the prescription for you Bryan - alas, I don't.

I had to deal with some pretty major stuff my first few years sober too...it's not fair, perhaps, but it's just the way the chips fall.

I took care of what I could...leant on my support...and gave the rest to God.
It worked.

Slowly but surely, things got straightened out, or worked out for themselves, and life got brighter.

I wish the same for you Bryan

D

TrixMixer

Oh ya know Bryangt, who are we kidding. Life just sucks sometimes and all the encouraging talk just does not get through the freakin fog . We just do not know how to see ourselves through some rough patches. It happens weather your an alcoholic or not.

Never the less you are, and you are 2 years sober!!!! How amazing is that, some people are still struggeling to get to 3 days. Even if a Meteor hits your house on top of everything else the most amazing thing you should hang onto is the courage you had to stay sober for this long. Your being tested, but this is your time for sobriety---don't let go of it---Kidding about the meteor, hell I might even drink to that one, LOL!!!

STAY STRONG PLEASE!!!

TrixMixer

RobbyRobot

Hey bryangt, way cool on your 21 months!

Those times of dark thoughts can be just the worst, for sure. I guess we've all had them, in our own ways. Some of us have those times more then others perhaps, for whatever reasons. Life is not always about balance and fairness, are my ongoing experiences. Life is yet beautiful, but rarely fairly experienced around the world. Many inequities continually shape billions of peoples lives daily. Paradox.

And yet, what are we gonna do? To just fade into the abyss of our sorrows and cling to our worries is such a useless justification for whatever. We all know this so well. None of us want to endure our pains for no good reason of course, and so, we square our shoulders with some effort, and put our backs into doing the next right thing in a timely manner. We don't give up. We may not always see the light in our darkest times, but the light is yet there, and presently for a keen eye, a path and a plan will be shown for all those who don't give up.

I've been lost often enough in my own sobriety journey thru my own dark times, of course. Always, and without fail, my way forward becomes clear again if only I have the courage to keep an open heart, an open mind, and an open willingness to accept how change is itself inevitable and required, even if usually painful, to bring me from those darkest times and into the better light of a better day.

There's so much more to be revealed in our lives then we can possibly imagine in our early times in sobriety. Go the distance needed to be all that you can be, no matter the challenges before you, no matter the difficulties endured, no matter the times of darkness known.

Be assured that there is always light at the end of every tunnel when the initial journey is one of merit and a selfless love of life for its own sake. Often times, I have found myself somehow in the way of my own better way forward, and by removing my "self" out of the challenge ahead, I very often create an opportunity to see things differently. This always makes such a difference, getting out of my own way, being less selfish, being more giving and of service to others. In the giving something wonderful happens. Something life-changing. Something worth living for, is my experience with pushing past thru my darkest times.

Your 21 months bryangt, is a true treasure of promising endless bounty and happiness. You're doing "it" now, even thru the momentary darkness, and I have every hope you yet continue to discover just how much more there is to yet be rightly revealed.

Thanks for this thread.

paul99

Very well said. I pray everyday for an open heart and an open mind. So even when things go pear shaped, whether is be small or not small, I am of the mindset that I will get through it, and not stuck in it. That's a big difference for me. It's easy to play light and spiritual when things are going well, but I have to be on guard when things aren't so light, that I still remain on a spiritual plane that will continue to bear fruit. And usually that means reaching out or helping out.

I am sure things will turn around.