I can't take this any more
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
I can't take this any more
Let me start by saying that I have no respect for my mother and I think that she is an ignorant person generally.
My mother has rages. We'll say every second day. She was ranting at myself and dad on Christmas Eve, she was ok yesterday, and she is screaming at us as I'm typing.
The thing is that she thinks everyone around her is mental, except herself. She thinks she is fine. She says herself that she has no problems except "her three mental children".
It all kicked off again today. I didn't want to play cards after dinner, I was watching The Sound of Music. I knew she wasn't happy with this.
Anyway, we were packing up to go home. My aunt handed her a half empty bottle of port and said "Mary this is yours". My mum looked at it and said "No Jane, you keep it. I can't have alcohol in the house because of her" and looked over at me. She said this in front of 5 other family members, and I was really embarassed, and I said I was embarassed. In hindsight I should have let it go, I knew as soon as I expressed my feelings that there would be hell to pay all the way home.
It started as soon as we got in to the car. That I was an embarassment. That I shamed her in front of her sisters for not wanting to play cards. That I am an alcoholic loser. That it is my father's fault that she reared three losers. That my feelings didn't matter because I had a convulsion as a result of my alcoholism. That she should never have married my dad. That she wants a divorce. That I am the laughingstock of the country and will never amount to anything. (Not a word about the fact that I have been sober for over a year and am back in college.) That we have no respect for her. At this point my dad turned to me and said "Tetra I really wish you wouldn't make a big deal out of these things, I am going to die soon because of the strain".
I can't take this any longer. I broke down and screamed at her "JUST SHUT UP YOU ******* *****". There was stunned silence for a second, and then she said to dad "see how she treats me because of you".
I have locked myself in the bedroom. I can hear them downstairs screaming at each other. I can't take this anymore. I am full of rage against her, and now with my dad for enabling her bad behaviour and allowing her to get so out of control. I am actually too afraid to go downstairs now. Please help me.
My mother has rages. We'll say every second day. She was ranting at myself and dad on Christmas Eve, she was ok yesterday, and she is screaming at us as I'm typing.
The thing is that she thinks everyone around her is mental, except herself. She thinks she is fine. She says herself that she has no problems except "her three mental children".
It all kicked off again today. I didn't want to play cards after dinner, I was watching The Sound of Music. I knew she wasn't happy with this.
Anyway, we were packing up to go home. My aunt handed her a half empty bottle of port and said "Mary this is yours". My mum looked at it and said "No Jane, you keep it. I can't have alcohol in the house because of her" and looked over at me. She said this in front of 5 other family members, and I was really embarassed, and I said I was embarassed. In hindsight I should have let it go, I knew as soon as I expressed my feelings that there would be hell to pay all the way home.
It started as soon as we got in to the car. That I was an embarassment. That I shamed her in front of her sisters for not wanting to play cards. That I am an alcoholic loser. That it is my father's fault that she reared three losers. That my feelings didn't matter because I had a convulsion as a result of my alcoholism. That she should never have married my dad. That she wants a divorce. That I am the laughingstock of the country and will never amount to anything. (Not a word about the fact that I have been sober for over a year and am back in college.) That we have no respect for her. At this point my dad turned to me and said "Tetra I really wish you wouldn't make a big deal out of these things, I am going to die soon because of the strain".
I can't take this any longer. I broke down and screamed at her "JUST SHUT UP YOU ******* *****". There was stunned silence for a second, and then she said to dad "see how she treats me because of you".
I have locked myself in the bedroom. I can hear them downstairs screaming at each other. I can't take this anymore. I am full of rage against her, and now with my dad for enabling her bad behaviour and allowing her to get so out of control. I am actually too afraid to go downstairs now. Please help me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh Tetra I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
That sounds a similar scenario to one I lived through as a child.
It doesn't sound a healthy place at all for you to be in.
Firstly, well done on your sober time, that is awesome.
Don't let thoughts of drinking take hold, you know that wont help you and will only prove her right.
Is there somewhere you could go to that is safe for you to cool off? A friend/relative etc? It sounds like you need to get out of the house for the mo.
It all sounds very unfair.
Is there a chance you could talk to your dad, siblings away from her so that you can support each other and work out some strategies for managing these situations?
Ultimately though, if its possible, it might be a good time for you to consider an alternative place to live?
Thinking of you x
That sounds a similar scenario to one I lived through as a child.
It doesn't sound a healthy place at all for you to be in.
Firstly, well done on your sober time, that is awesome.
Don't let thoughts of drinking take hold, you know that wont help you and will only prove her right.
Is there somewhere you could go to that is safe for you to cool off? A friend/relative etc? It sounds like you need to get out of the house for the mo.
It all sounds very unfair.
Is there a chance you could talk to your dad, siblings away from her so that you can support each other and work out some strategies for managing these situations?
Ultimately though, if its possible, it might be a good time for you to consider an alternative place to live?
Thinking of you x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 122
My suggestion you is to find somewhere to stay and go there. I learned in my sobriety that I didn't have to have people like that in my life. Regardless of who they are.
Congrats on the sobriety. That's a big accomplishment.
Congrats on the sobriety. That's a big accomplishment.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hugs. If there is one thing I know, it is drinking will not fix the mental health of others. I come from a long line of mentally ill people and know first hand that when untreated, it is everyone else's fault... And us drinking can give certain folks fuel to show how right and sane they are. At least in my experience.
If at all possible, get your own place, set boundaries and be willing to hold them to consequences. Best thing I ever did in my life.
If at all possible, get your own place, set boundaries and be willing to hold them to consequences. Best thing I ever did in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Tetra she is rude, offensive and cruel and you need to calmly tell her this.
It will probably resonate all the more if she is screaming and shouting and you are calm, even if you do not feel it.
I think you also have the right to tell her not to speak to you like that in front of your extended family if she says something that upsets you. And it is tough if she is offended in front of your family. She has offended you.
She is treating you like a child.
When she starts ranting I would say 'I am not listening to you when you are like this' and leave the room.
When she starts saying that she has mentally ill children, ask her to take a good honest look at herself and see if she is behaving like a sane person. After all, you have her genes, her genetic make up. If you are mental (which you are not) it looks like you got it from her from what you are describing.
Perhaps it is time to start detaching from her.
I have done this to some extent with my own mother.
I like very little she stands for. She has no time for me. So I do not share anything with her. I make no plans with her. I keep conversations short, to the point and civil.
Her behaviour is that of a bully.
Just because you are family does not make it okay for her to name call or shout at you or intimidate you.
It is not right and not fair and not acceptable.
I also would start looking for some place else to live.
You living there does not sound a healthy, peaceful situation.
Would you like to move out?
I wish you the best xx
It will probably resonate all the more if she is screaming and shouting and you are calm, even if you do not feel it.
I think you also have the right to tell her not to speak to you like that in front of your extended family if she says something that upsets you. And it is tough if she is offended in front of your family. She has offended you.
She is treating you like a child.
When she starts ranting I would say 'I am not listening to you when you are like this' and leave the room.
When she starts saying that she has mentally ill children, ask her to take a good honest look at herself and see if she is behaving like a sane person. After all, you have her genes, her genetic make up. If you are mental (which you are not) it looks like you got it from her from what you are describing.
Perhaps it is time to start detaching from her.
I have done this to some extent with my own mother.
I like very little she stands for. She has no time for me. So I do not share anything with her. I make no plans with her. I keep conversations short, to the point and civil.
Her behaviour is that of a bully.
Just because you are family does not make it okay for her to name call or shout at you or intimidate you.
It is not right and not fair and not acceptable.
I also would start looking for some place else to live.
You living there does not sound a healthy, peaceful situation.
Would you like to move out?
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
I read this and I wonder if you're an independent adult.
If yes, why do you choose to place yourself squarely in this toxic environment?
There is no law that states you must subject yourself before this woman and her antics.
If yes, why do you choose to place yourself squarely in this toxic environment?
There is no law that states you must subject yourself before this woman and her antics.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 104
I am sad for you. This does sound very similar to how my alcoholic parents treated us kids.
Do your parents have their own issues with drinking?
I would separate yourself from them if you can financially with being in college.
Post when you need support..
Gigi
Do your parents have their own issues with drinking?
I would separate yourself from them if you can financially with being in college.
Post when you need support..
Gigi
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
There's some saying about surrounding yourself with great people because their success will boost you and motivate you to excel yourself.
What you described is a horribly abusive and dysfunctional person, and it sounds like she is very good at blaming other people for her own shortcomings. You can't change her, but you don't have to be a part of her life, and you should tell her that. Throw all the cards out on the table and let her know that the way she treats you is not okay, and that you won't be a part of it. If she sees the light some day then she can come and find you, otherwise stay away from her I say.
What you described is a horribly abusive and dysfunctional person, and it sounds like she is very good at blaming other people for her own shortcomings. You can't change her, but you don't have to be a part of her life, and you should tell her that. Throw all the cards out on the table and let her know that the way she treats you is not okay, and that you won't be a part of it. If she sees the light some day then she can come and find you, otherwise stay away from her I say.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Hi Tetra,
I recall you posting about a similar incident, and everyone mentioned perhaps moving out of that environment. Same things are being said now. Is there a reason you cannot strike out on your own at 32? Toxic place to be. Protect your sobriety. I would rather be homeless and have my sobriety intact and have support from others outside of the house that I assume you have described accurately.
A screeching mom is certainly not worth drinking. Nothing is, in fact.
I recall you posting about a similar incident, and everyone mentioned perhaps moving out of that environment. Same things are being said now. Is there a reason you cannot strike out on your own at 32? Toxic place to be. Protect your sobriety. I would rather be homeless and have my sobriety intact and have support from others outside of the house that I assume you have described accurately.
A screeching mom is certainly not worth drinking. Nothing is, in fact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Thank you for the replies. I have been in bed for the past day or two with a flu and a sore throat.
The reason I moved back home is that I needed support when I had a seizure. Also, at the moment, I have books and the second half of my fees to pay for.
{From Xune} I read this and I wonder if you're an independent adult.
If yes, why do you choose to place yourself squarely in this toxic environment?
There is no law that states you must subject yourself before this woman and her antics.
The reason I live at home Xune is that I am not a millionaire. When I was ill, I needed the support of my brilliant dad and he was there for me.
She treats my dad like this too, I asked him once, years ago, why he puts up with this and he said because she is my wife.
Somedays it is just so hard to keep up a bright and upbeat attitude.
The reason I moved back home is that I needed support when I had a seizure. Also, at the moment, I have books and the second half of my fees to pay for.
{From Xune} I read this and I wonder if you're an independent adult.
If yes, why do you choose to place yourself squarely in this toxic environment?
There is no law that states you must subject yourself before this woman and her antics.
The reason I live at home Xune is that I am not a millionaire. When I was ill, I needed the support of my brilliant dad and he was there for me.
She treats my dad like this too, I asked him once, years ago, why he puts up with this and he said because she is my wife.
Somedays it is just so hard to keep up a bright and upbeat attitude.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Yes, you are all right, I have to move out. And that was the plan for after I finish my exams next May. I will have to fast forward my plans. I wanted to travel to India when I get my postgraduate diploma.
Something else she screamed at me is that I am an alcoholic and had a convulsion and therefore my opinions count for nothing, and this is why she doesn't have to apologise to me.
Today she is being nice to me and said she is sorry, it's like living with 2 different people.
And the cycle goes on.
I'm going out for a long walk by the lake. I need to clear my head.
Something else she screamed at me is that I am an alcoholic and had a convulsion and therefore my opinions count for nothing, and this is why she doesn't have to apologise to me.
Today she is being nice to me and said she is sorry, it's like living with 2 different people.
And the cycle goes on.
I'm going out for a long walk by the lake. I need to clear my head.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by Tetra 
Yes, you are all right, I have to move out. And that was the plan for after I finish my exams next May. I will have to fast forward my plans. I wanted to travel to India when I get my postgraduate diploma.
Something else she screamed at me is that I am an alcoholic and had a convulsion and therefore my opinions count for nothing, and this is why she doesn't have to apologise to me.
Today she is being nice to me and said she is sorry, it's like living with 2 different people.
And the cycle goes on.
I'm going out for a long walk by the lake. I need to clear my head.
Something else she screamed at me is that I am an alcoholic and had a convulsion and therefore my opinions count for nothing, and this is why she doesn't have to apologise to me.
Today she is being nice to me and said she is sorry, it's like living with 2 different people.
And the cycle goes on.
I'm going out for a long walk by the lake. I need to clear my head.
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