resurfacing
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
resurfacing
new day, same story - barely sober, sufficiently humble.
a few months ago, things were going well and i was beginning to make real, measurable progress in my life. never one to let past failures go, i began to drink while i waited for the other shoe to drop. a couple of dumb nights aside, i managed for a time with just a bottle of wine in the evening. except for the general detached bitterness it imparted to my worldview, it didn't seem to be hurting, and even seemed helpful in dealing with a couple of sad occasions. but i withdrew because everyone thinks that i'm sober, and i got newly dependent because i guess that's unavoidable, and my old habit of packing bottles in my luggage returned along with a fierce depression. this morning marked the last of my stash, but instead of sneaking out or swiping more from my host's cabinet, i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.
so hello again, old friends. another new beginning for another new year.
a few months ago, things were going well and i was beginning to make real, measurable progress in my life. never one to let past failures go, i began to drink while i waited for the other shoe to drop. a couple of dumb nights aside, i managed for a time with just a bottle of wine in the evening. except for the general detached bitterness it imparted to my worldview, it didn't seem to be hurting, and even seemed helpful in dealing with a couple of sad occasions. but i withdrew because everyone thinks that i'm sober, and i got newly dependent because i guess that's unavoidable, and my old habit of packing bottles in my luggage returned along with a fierce depression. this morning marked the last of my stash, but instead of sneaking out or swiping more from my host's cabinet, i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.
so hello again, old friends. another new beginning for another new year.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: 4th Dimension of existance
Posts: 175
Welcome back to SR and, more importantly, sobriety! One thing I've learned is that I can't do this alone. I love that any time of day, if I need someone, there is always someone here. 
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
I don't think the problems of an alcoholic (other than getting sick and of course the physical damage it does to our body) have much to do with the alcohol at all, but that's only an opinion.
For some of us the destruction hinges on the various needs that eventually drive us back to the bottle, conciously or unconciously when we're doing so very well and don't want the chaos back and people who care are so happy we've licked our old problem with finality this time, unlike those other times.
That's when we die a little, not when we're temporarily managing our drinking or even going full bore. Knowing we couldn't follow through. The continual lessening of our confidence, and the thinning of how we view the value of our assurances and commitments.
It's when the sounds from those who applaud our passing the liquor store for the first time this time around ring hollow. The cheerleaders begin to sound tinny and we suspect this will again play out the same, despite their certainties.
Doing more to support this time around the track is reasonable and may change things. If you do want things to change.
For some of us the destruction hinges on the various needs that eventually drive us back to the bottle, conciously or unconciously when we're doing so very well and don't want the chaos back and people who care are so happy we've licked our old problem with finality this time, unlike those other times.
That's when we die a little, not when we're temporarily managing our drinking or even going full bore. Knowing we couldn't follow through. The continual lessening of our confidence, and the thinning of how we view the value of our assurances and commitments.
It's when the sounds from those who applaud our passing the liquor store for the first time this time around ring hollow. The cheerleaders begin to sound tinny and we suspect this will again play out the same, despite their certainties.
Doing more to support this time around the track is reasonable and may change things. If you do want things to change.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Originally Posted by NobleCause 
i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.
I wish you the best, and welcome back.
You're among friends, new and old
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 503
Quote:
Originally Posted by NobleCause
'i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.'
Yeah, yikes, certainly strikes a cord! Congratulations on your work coming back here noblecause. Nice to meet you and take care.
Originally Posted by NobleCause
'i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.'
Yeah, yikes, certainly strikes a cord! Congratulations on your work coming back here noblecause. Nice to meet you and take care.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Doing more to support this time around the track is reasonable and may change things.
I abhor cute little phrases and sayings, and honestly I want to smack myself for even saying this but NC, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Any ideas on what you're going to do?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by soberlicious
I would agree. How deeply have you explored various ways to quit? and in which ways have you put in some hard study?
I abhor cute little phrases and sayings, and honestly I want to smack myself for even saying this but NC, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Any ideas on what you're going to do?
I abhor cute little phrases and sayings, and honestly I want to smack myself for even saying this but NC, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Any ideas on what you're going to do?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by NobleCause
at a certain point i decide it doesn't fit - the meetings are too cliche, the books and sayings too trite, meditating is a pain, and the spiritual tones of the culture of recovery programs seem alienating
I can so relate. It was handy trick for me really....each time I proved that nothing worked I could just go back to fully embracing my addiction. WTF did it matter anyway, right?
If you haven't read the Rational Recovery book, it might be worth a read. Keep in mind that the addicted part of you will pooh-pooh it like it does everything else, but I would give it an honest hard read... more than once. If it's stupid and worthless, cool...but honestly what have you got to lose by reading it? I have my own opinions of the author (and yes it could be used as an excuse not to read it), but in your own words "the bottom line is that i don't have to like the solution, so long as it works." I'm not saying studying AVRT will "work" because I don't see things as "working on me" per se. I'm saying that new food for thought is always a good thing....especially for the starving. From what I've read of you...you will be one amazing woman once you end this for good. Which you will. xo
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