resurfacing
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by NobleCause 
new day, same story - barely sober, sufficiently humble.
a few months ago, things were going well and i was beginning to make real, measurable progress in my life. never one to let past failures go, i began to drink while i waited for the other shoe to drop. a couple of dumb nights aside, i managed for a time with just a bottle of wine in the evening. except for the general detached bitterness it imparted to my worldview, it didn't seem to be hurting, and even seemed helpful in dealing with a couple of sad occasions. but i withdrew because everyone thinks that i'm sober, and i got newly dependent because i guess that's unavoidable, and my old habit of packing bottles in my luggage returned along with a fierce depression. this morning marked the last of my stash, but instead of sneaking out or swiping more from my host's cabinet, i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.
so hello again, old friends. another new beginning for another new year.
a few months ago, things were going well and i was beginning to make real, measurable progress in my life. never one to let past failures go, i began to drink while i waited for the other shoe to drop. a couple of dumb nights aside, i managed for a time with just a bottle of wine in the evening. except for the general detached bitterness it imparted to my worldview, it didn't seem to be hurting, and even seemed helpful in dealing with a couple of sad occasions. but i withdrew because everyone thinks that i'm sober, and i got newly dependent because i guess that's unavoidable, and my old habit of packing bottles in my luggage returned along with a fierce depression. this morning marked the last of my stash, but instead of sneaking out or swiping more from my host's cabinet, i took a long walk by the frigid river, bawling like the hysterical idiot i can sometimes be, and realized that there is no functional way to live this madness.
so hello again, old friends. another new beginning for another new year.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hey NC,
I know you have a full bookshelf but here is a book that might interest you and is worth the read:
Recovery - the Sacred Art The Twelve Steps of Spiritual Practice by Rami Shapiro
Would be interested in your opinion (and others)
I know you have a full bookshelf but here is a book that might interest you and is worth the read:
Recovery - the Sacred Art The Twelve Steps of Spiritual Practice by Rami Shapiro
Would be interested in your opinion (and others)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by NobleCause
i've put decent time and thought into a few approaches. i began with court ordered NA & AA meetings about 20 years ago
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
N.C. You will set a record for treading water without being rescued.
It's sad to behold.
It's sad to behold.
i'll figure this out, or not, on my own - til then, i wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Huntington, WV
Posts: 225
I can definitely agree that drinking is a thinking problem but there is a true physical need called tissue cravings that occur for up to years after you quit. I think it is different than non chemical addictions for the brain imbalance and what I mentioned above. However I know I am simply unwilling to to stay with the winners and try to things myself resulting in failures. Relapse is the worst feeling ever ZI hope you get back in and stay there
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by NobleCause
yes, i am aware of that. apologies if i've bummed you out.
i'll figure this out, or not, on my own - til then, i wish you all the best.
i'll figure this out, or not, on my own - til then, i wish you all the best.
Hey, NC, I'm sure it's hard to watch us have a hard time with being able to be free from drinking, etc.
Hope you stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC!!, awesome to see that you're still hanging in there. Never let the fact that you slipped get you down, gather whatever insight you can from it and move on. Recovery involves a lot of trial and error, keep on trying many different things until you find a few gold nuggets that you can get passionate about.
What helped me most was to create a separation between my mind/thoughts and consciousness/awareness. If you think of your mind (self) as a CPU that's always running, always processing data that generates thoughts, feelings and emotions and often hangs out in the past or future you'll start to find that much of it isn't even real and wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the CPU (mind) pumping out it's never ending data stream. Now try to imagine a ball of pure white light, (this could be hanging out just above your head), this is awareness and it can watch what the mind is doing. Awareness can ask if the data the mind is generating is rational or relevant, it can then discard or just not attach any importance to the irrational stuff, (in my case that was a lot of it). The imagery is not important, the goal is the separation. Rational Recovery, (AVRT) creates a separation between the primitive brains desires (addictive voice) and the thinking brain, again here the goal is separation. Presence, mindfulness or whatever you want to call it is also very important and not that hard to cultivate, you don't need to sit in a lotus position, meditate or do any of the esoteric stuff, you can be present in anything.
Sorry for the rambling on NC, there are just so many different things out there (The mind control stuff is also fascinating but that's another story), all you need to do is never give up and find some things that light your fire. Good to see you back, have a great New Year and happy Friday!!
What helped me most was to create a separation between my mind/thoughts and consciousness/awareness. If you think of your mind (self) as a CPU that's always running, always processing data that generates thoughts, feelings and emotions and often hangs out in the past or future you'll start to find that much of it isn't even real and wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the CPU (mind) pumping out it's never ending data stream. Now try to imagine a ball of pure white light, (this could be hanging out just above your head), this is awareness and it can watch what the mind is doing. Awareness can ask if the data the mind is generating is rational or relevant, it can then discard or just not attach any importance to the irrational stuff, (in my case that was a lot of it). The imagery is not important, the goal is the separation. Rational Recovery, (AVRT) creates a separation between the primitive brains desires (addictive voice) and the thinking brain, again here the goal is separation. Presence, mindfulness or whatever you want to call it is also very important and not that hard to cultivate, you don't need to sit in a lotus position, meditate or do any of the esoteric stuff, you can be present in anything.
Sorry for the rambling on NC, there are just so many different things out there (The mind control stuff is also fascinating but that's another story), all you need to do is never give up and find some things that light your fire. Good to see you back, have a great New Year and happy Friday!!
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