My Sobriety minefield.....
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 31
My Sobriety minefield.....
On December 1st of this year, I made the decision to stop drinking, one day at a time; and I hope to never drink again.
I had been a binge-type drinker since college (for 25+ years). Never a daily drinker, I was the guy who always had 10 or more drinks after deciding to have the first one, even though I might not have planned to get drunk in the first place. After countless unsuccessful attempts at learning to moderate when I did drink, I finally came to the conclusion that it simply was not possible for me to do this. I also had become pretty tired of the regret for the drunken behaviors, the blackouts, the hangovers, and all the other bad things that go hand in hand with consuming massive amounts of ethanol.
Although I am truly thrilled with my decision and am starting to feel the sense of personal accomplishment that comes with doing what is right rather than what just feels good; this is by no means easy. I must admit that I often find myself wanting a drink (or eleven). I guess nothing worthwhile is easy to get.
Here's the rub: I am married to Kate (not her real name) who very much enjoys drinking. Kate has a close knit family that gets together often, and alcohol plays a prominent role in their dinners, parties, etc. Kate often drinks to excess, but vehemently denies that her alcohol use is a problem. She is not supportive of my decision to quit and believes that I should continue in my futile attempts at moderation. What's more, being humble has led me to the belief that I will probably need help remaining sober. When I mentioned my desire to check out AA, Kate was openly hostile toward this decision.
Kate explained that she knows of three couples where one partner went into AA and the other didn't. In all of these cases the relationships didn't make it. Kate also refuses to attend Alanon or to participate in my sobriety in any other way. The fallacy of Kate's reasoning is obvious and I am certain that she is unwilling to share or maybe even acknowledge the real reasons behind her hostility. I have never and will never ask Kate to stop drinking for my sobriety's sake.
I'm sorry if this is lengthy, but I need some help from those of you that know more about this than me. Ultimately, I definitely know what I should do, what I need to do, but, affirmation sure helps. Thanks for reading this.
I had been a binge-type drinker since college (for 25+ years). Never a daily drinker, I was the guy who always had 10 or more drinks after deciding to have the first one, even though I might not have planned to get drunk in the first place. After countless unsuccessful attempts at learning to moderate when I did drink, I finally came to the conclusion that it simply was not possible for me to do this. I also had become pretty tired of the regret for the drunken behaviors, the blackouts, the hangovers, and all the other bad things that go hand in hand with consuming massive amounts of ethanol.
Although I am truly thrilled with my decision and am starting to feel the sense of personal accomplishment that comes with doing what is right rather than what just feels good; this is by no means easy. I must admit that I often find myself wanting a drink (or eleven). I guess nothing worthwhile is easy to get.
Here's the rub: I am married to Kate (not her real name) who very much enjoys drinking. Kate has a close knit family that gets together often, and alcohol plays a prominent role in their dinners, parties, etc. Kate often drinks to excess, but vehemently denies that her alcohol use is a problem. She is not supportive of my decision to quit and believes that I should continue in my futile attempts at moderation. What's more, being humble has led me to the belief that I will probably need help remaining sober. When I mentioned my desire to check out AA, Kate was openly hostile toward this decision.
Kate explained that she knows of three couples where one partner went into AA and the other didn't. In all of these cases the relationships didn't make it. Kate also refuses to attend Alanon or to participate in my sobriety in any other way. The fallacy of Kate's reasoning is obvious and I am certain that she is unwilling to share or maybe even acknowledge the real reasons behind her hostility. I have never and will never ask Kate to stop drinking for my sobriety's sake.
I'm sorry if this is lengthy, but I need some help from those of you that know more about this than me. Ultimately, I definitely know what I should do, what I need to do, but, affirmation sure helps. Thanks for reading this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Welcome outfielder 
I wasn't in a romantic relationship but I had many relationships in which alcohol played a big part.
Lots of people weren't pleased when I quit - I think they felt threatened, maybe even a little sad and scared at the change.
I knew what I had to do tho - my drinking was killing me.
My real friends and the people who loved me eventually realised this - and they saw I was much happier and at peace in myself as a sober guy.
maybe give Kate a chance to work through her issues - I hope she'll come to see that it's the best choice for you...
and who knows? in time, it may well help your relationship
D
I wasn't in a romantic relationship but I had many relationships in which alcohol played a big part.
Lots of people weren't pleased when I quit - I think they felt threatened, maybe even a little sad and scared at the change.
I knew what I had to do tho - my drinking was killing me.
My real friends and the people who loved me eventually realised this - and they saw I was much happier and at peace in myself as a sober guy.
maybe give Kate a chance to work through her issues - I hope she'll come to see that it's the best choice for you...
and who knows? in time, it may well help your relationship
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Well, Kate is probably right about one thing: When one partner enters AA and the other continues to drink, the relationship is perhaps doomed.
I was the partner that opted out of AA a decade ago, and the marriage ended in divorce a year later.
Sober two years now, and I can't think of one relationship that didn't end up in divorce when one opted for the sober path and the other kept drinking.
Please don't get into a situation where you have to chose between sobriety and keeping your marriage intact by hitting the bottle. It would take a real saint -- or at least a martyr -- to maintain sobriety while watching the other half of the relationship keep scratching for a bottom. Sad.
I was the partner that opted out of AA a decade ago, and the marriage ended in divorce a year later.
Sober two years now, and I can't think of one relationship that didn't end up in divorce when one opted for the sober path and the other kept drinking.
Please don't get into a situation where you have to chose between sobriety and keeping your marriage intact by hitting the bottle. It would take a real saint -- or at least a martyr -- to maintain sobriety while watching the other half of the relationship keep scratching for a bottom. Sad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Your sobriety needs to hold no contingencies or reservations. If they exist then she stands likely to get her wish eventually.
Couples adjust to changing circumstances of all kinds continually through the years. Think children, financial setbacks, deaths of loved close friends...your sobriety presents another surmountable challenge, nothing more.
After I got sober the marriage continued another 24 years with her drinking socially often.
Couples adjust to changing circumstances of all kinds continually through the years. Think children, financial setbacks, deaths of loved close friends...your sobriety presents another surmountable challenge, nothing more.
After I got sober the marriage continued another 24 years with her drinking socially often.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 31
Christmas night......
Me and Kate went to her family's Christmas dinner last night. Almost on cue, Kate proceeded to get falling down drunk, causing me to get her home early and carry her to bed. I wasn't angry or disappointed, I just felt embarrassed for her. This rather undignified behavior, I am sure, will not change a thing. Kate will view last night as a mere miscalculation, certainly not something that might signify a problem.
MemphisBlues and hamabi, thanks for your thoughtful input. I have come to realize that my sobriety is pretty much life or death for me. I simply cannot compromise for the sake of this relationship. I am neither a martyr nor a saint......Thanks.
MemphisBlues and hamabi, thanks for your thoughtful input. I have come to realize that my sobriety is pretty much life or death for me. I simply cannot compromise for the sake of this relationship. I am neither a martyr nor a saint......Thanks.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Great words of advice so far.
Sobriety must come first. It isn't contingent on anyone or anything (lover, court, work, etc) Getting sober is for you first and you alone. It would be insane to think that picking up the bottle to save your relationship is a good idea. Her reaction to your drinking (which I think is really a reaction to her own drinking - she doesn't like it) may be a red flag - support is very important in sobriety, not only from other sober people, but those in our personal lives. As painful as it sounds, I would rather be sober than still married. I would rather be a part-time dad than be a drunken full time unavailable father.
I was married 17 years when I got sober, and our relationship has been the best it's ever been, and that was with a 6 month separation after my last drunk. She drinks socially and it's not a problem. If she were an alcoholic or hard drinker, I don't know if we would be together still. Sobriety will always come first for me.
I admire your openness on this, and your awareness of the situation. Many would have jumped on the recommendation of their sig other to not worry and join the merry band of drinkers. But you see things for what they are, and that's important for your sobriety. There will be hard choices to make down the road. I had to make a few, and in the end they have worked out. It's your call on what you need to do. Perhaps she might come around. Perhaps not. But protect your sobriety.
All the best
Sobriety must come first. It isn't contingent on anyone or anything (lover, court, work, etc) Getting sober is for you first and you alone. It would be insane to think that picking up the bottle to save your relationship is a good idea. Her reaction to your drinking (which I think is really a reaction to her own drinking - she doesn't like it) may be a red flag - support is very important in sobriety, not only from other sober people, but those in our personal lives. As painful as it sounds, I would rather be sober than still married. I would rather be a part-time dad than be a drunken full time unavailable father.
I was married 17 years when I got sober, and our relationship has been the best it's ever been, and that was with a 6 month separation after my last drunk. She drinks socially and it's not a problem. If she were an alcoholic or hard drinker, I don't know if we would be together still. Sobriety will always come first for me.
I admire your openness on this, and your awareness of the situation. Many would have jumped on the recommendation of their sig other to not worry and join the merry band of drinkers. But you see things for what they are, and that's important for your sobriety. There will be hard choices to make down the road. I had to make a few, and in the end they have worked out. It's your call on what you need to do. Perhaps she might come around. Perhaps not. But protect your sobriety.
All the best
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 31
You've hit the nail on the head Paul
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience. I have indeed "join(ed) the merry band of drinkers" with Kate many times in the past after I swore off drinking. This time will be different, sobriety will come first. Kate may or may not adjust; I don't know.
I admire your thoughtful wisdom. Again, thank you.
I admire your thoughtful wisdom. Again, thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
Originally Posted by Outfielder 
Kate explained that she knows of three couples where one partner went into AA and the other didn't. In all of these cases the relationships didn't make it.
This may be a case of mistaken causeality. Did the relationships end because of AA, or because of damage that had already been done by the time one partner figured out they couldn't handle their booze? Some people realize when one person quits that they never had much more in common than just their mutual love of getting loaded.... and of course the majority of couples don't last very long in western society anymore regardless of any other variable.
I have found that arguing logic with women is terrible futile so I wouldn't bother.
All I know is that if you have that physical compulsion when you drink (little or no control over when you stop after you start). That does not go away over time and you will never be able to drink in safety. I suggest that your only hope of avoiding drunken trouble is to abstain from alcohol entirely.
You sound like a very sensible fellow, I have good faith that without booze muddling up your mind you will be able to make good decisions regarding how to handle your wife and her family.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 35
Perhaps one way to think about your situation is to compartmentalize the two roles you play:
#1: you as a sober person
#2: you as the spouse of a heavy drinker
For #1, do everything you can to create and follow your plan for sobriety - whether it's AA, AVRT, this forum, etc. You've figured out on your own that your best path for success as a partner, friend, family member, and worker is to be sober. Stick to that plan.
For #2, you likely can't make her quit. In fact, trying to make her quit would likely drive her away. However, you can tell her how her drinking impacts you and makes you feel (same as any spouse of a heavy drinker).
The tricky part would be talking to her wearing hat #2, and not getting it mixed up with hat #1.
For example, you said you were embarassed by her actions at Christmas. You could tell her "when you are falling down drunk, it embarasses me" (ie: wearing hat #2). On the other hand, if you said "i dont' like you drinking at christmas because you're not supporting me in my sobriety", that would be mixing #1 and #2 and may not land well.
#1: you as a sober person
#2: you as the spouse of a heavy drinker
For #1, do everything you can to create and follow your plan for sobriety - whether it's AA, AVRT, this forum, etc. You've figured out on your own that your best path for success as a partner, friend, family member, and worker is to be sober. Stick to that plan.
For #2, you likely can't make her quit. In fact, trying to make her quit would likely drive her away. However, you can tell her how her drinking impacts you and makes you feel (same as any spouse of a heavy drinker).
The tricky part would be talking to her wearing hat #2, and not getting it mixed up with hat #1.
For example, you said you were embarassed by her actions at Christmas. You could tell her "when you are falling down drunk, it embarasses me" (ie: wearing hat #2). On the other hand, if you said "i dont' like you drinking at christmas because you're not supporting me in my sobriety", that would be mixing #1 and #2 and may not land well.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Outfielder
Here's the rub: I am married to Kate (not her real name) who very much enjoys drinking. Kate has a close knit family that gets together often, and alcohol plays a prominent role in their dinners, parties, etc. Kate often drinks to excess, but vehemently denies that her alcohol use is a problem. She is not supportive of my decision to quit and believes that I should continue in my futile attempts at moderation. What's more, being humble has led me to the belief that I will probably need help remaining sober. When I mentioned my desire to check out AA, Kate was openly hostile toward this decision.
Make sure you get professional help from someone who you feel that you can honestly speak with about your problems and who understands your situation. Preferably also bring your wife along to discuss it together, at least during one or two sessions. The sooner your partner realizes it, the better for your relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Hi Outfielder,
Congratulations on almost a month of sobriety!!! That is a tough enough hill to climb, but add to it a wife who is pulling you down all the while---well you can see the conflict and should be very proud that in spite of this you have remained sober.
Right now Kate is scared to death : Perhaps you and Kate were both drinkers while married, that was a very strong bond for you both. Maybe even the foundation of your relationship. Kate is fearing the end of your relationship or the end of her alcoholism. She is behaving as we alcoholics do and being entirely selfish. My husband still drank after I got sober, but never made me feel badly about my decission. He knew it was important to me.
My husband was also not an alcoholic, and that is a big problem for you. If Kate were not an alcoholic she would no doubt be very proud of your sobriety. Your sobriety makes her examine her drinking habits every day, and she is not ready to deal with sobriety. You cannot make her stop, she has to want to. Your sobriety should be the most important thing in your life right now, and if your wife's alcohol problem is stopping her from seeing that then you may need to take a break from this relationship.
Sometimes a marriage of 2 people who are alcoholics has no other foundation then the alcoholism--Kate is scared that may be where your sober reasoning will lead you. She is not ready to get sober, and that selfish alcoholic part is going to make it hell for you. Only you can decide if it is worth it.
It is not an easy place to be ...so maybe you should stay in the OUTFIELD right now observing until you can figure things out.
Wishing you and Kate the best possible outcome,'
TrixMixer
Congratulations on almost a month of sobriety!!! That is a tough enough hill to climb, but add to it a wife who is pulling you down all the while---well you can see the conflict and should be very proud that in spite of this you have remained sober.
Right now Kate is scared to death : Perhaps you and Kate were both drinkers while married, that was a very strong bond for you both. Maybe even the foundation of your relationship. Kate is fearing the end of your relationship or the end of her alcoholism. She is behaving as we alcoholics do and being entirely selfish. My husband still drank after I got sober, but never made me feel badly about my decission. He knew it was important to me.
My husband was also not an alcoholic, and that is a big problem for you. If Kate were not an alcoholic she would no doubt be very proud of your sobriety. Your sobriety makes her examine her drinking habits every day, and she is not ready to deal with sobriety. You cannot make her stop, she has to want to. Your sobriety should be the most important thing in your life right now, and if your wife's alcohol problem is stopping her from seeing that then you may need to take a break from this relationship.
Sometimes a marriage of 2 people who are alcoholics has no other foundation then the alcoholism--Kate is scared that may be where your sober reasoning will lead you. She is not ready to get sober, and that selfish alcoholic part is going to make it hell for you. Only you can decide if it is worth it.
It is not an easy place to be ...so maybe you should stay in the OUTFIELD right now observing until you can figure things out.
Wishing you and Kate the best possible outcome,'
TrixMixer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 31
Thanks Everyone!!
This is an excellent community. I so appreciate the support from all of you!!
TSDD: I'm with you, total abstinence is the only answer for me.
Jimihendrix: Thought provoking, Thanks. My sobriety is for me, with or without my wife.
Sigma95Seven: I am in counseling and my counselor supports my desire to stay sober, agrees wholeheartedly that it is necessary and is helping me to learn to "individuate," which is a fancy way of saying that he is teaching me to do what is necessary for me, even if it doesn't include my wife. Thanks for your story.
TrixMixer: Wow! that is one of the most eloquent things I've ever read on this subject. It sounds as though you know my wife. Truth is, we'll see if this relationship has a foundation other than sharing the abuse of alcohol. Thanks for all of the kind words!
PaperDolls: You're sweet, thanks!
TSDD: I'm with you, total abstinence is the only answer for me.
Jimihendrix: Thought provoking, Thanks. My sobriety is for me, with or without my wife.
Sigma95Seven: I am in counseling and my counselor supports my desire to stay sober, agrees wholeheartedly that it is necessary and is helping me to learn to "individuate," which is a fancy way of saying that he is teaching me to do what is necessary for me, even if it doesn't include my wife. Thanks for your story.
TrixMixer: Wow! that is one of the most eloquent things I've ever read on this subject. It sounds as though you know my wife. Truth is, we'll see if this relationship has a foundation other than sharing the abuse of alcohol. Thanks for all of the kind words!
PaperDolls: You're sweet, thanks!
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