exauhsted

I keep seeing this question not only for me but for others and …Well……We are here aren’t we?

I don’t know... < < (and yes that is my favorite saying)

but God help us all!!!

It’s just to hard to try to reach out for help and then have to figure out what is PC for everyone else. Yep when your trying to get help maybe your only thinking about yourself…..for a minute, and that might be a good thing….I don’t know.. I’m just having a hard time and don’t mean to be so ignorant, sometimes it just helps to release it ..ya know?

tomsteve

one thing i learned is that i cant give away what i dont have. how was i able to get anything to give away? i was selfish and worked on fixing me 1st. then i was able to be selfless help others.

and God was and is detrimental in that.

exauhsted

I guess I can't fix ME until I help fix those around me.

I can't fix those around me without finding a release for myself ..to keep on fixing.

Makes no sense I'm sure but I can't be selfish I just can't do it! If I am then so many would suffer.. me most of all because then I have to live with the outcome of my selfishness.

I can't do it!!

paul99

We're not talking about a bicycle here, with fixing. We are talking about healing, about changing the way we approach life and react to life, all without the bottle. My life revolved around me trying to "fix" people so that I could be happy - that is, if so-and-so would do as I want them to, then I would be happy and not have to drink. I was trying to control and manipulate others to do my bidding. And of course I failed. And I continued to drink. I blamed others. I found fault in others.

So when it came time to start recovering from alcoholism, I had to take a good hard look at ME. My selfishness and self-centeredness were the root of my troubles. I had to see that the common denominator in all my problems was ME. Now, I am not talking about bashing myself - just seeing what things brought me to the bottle. It was in doing that that I was able to see the causes and conditions that fueled my alcohol use and then I could go from there.

It was only through this process could I then start being of use to others. And in helping others, and taking care of the wreckage I left behind through amends, I felt lighter and freer. So in working on this, I was of more use to others. But I had to look at SELF. It's not selfish, it's what can I do to better myself to be of better service to my fellow human beings? And in that I find freedom...and drinking doesn't even enter the picture.

tomsteve

has that been workin for ya?

amy55

I thought that for a long time also. I had to remember that I can only fix myself. Once I did that changes started to happen.

I remember a joke once, or maybe it wasn't a joke, someone asked a psychiatrist how they knew that someone had depression, he replied, when I walked out of the room, I was depressed.

Think about that for awhile.

A lot of the time that I was depressed was because I had expectations of how other people should be. Once I dropped that, I was able to be selfish and just want better things for me. What happened was, that people were no longer depressed to be around me. I was the one who needed to change.

amy55

Also wanted to add, I don't know your situation. I know my fav thing to say, was I don't know, and truthfully I didn't know. I knew that the wrong thing to say would always get me in trouble, even the right thing to say, also started a war, so I just went with, I don't know. To me, that it just sort of like putting up a white flag, saying I surrender. Whatever you want. I just give up. Then trying to go back and repair the damage that it did to others.

I would love to help you, but I am at a loss here. I don't know the demons that you have, I can only relate to my own.

So, please, just keep talking to us

Threshold

On the subject of selfishness...just some thoughts, none of them may apply to you, but they might help someone reading the thread. it might help me to share them.

I thought that I could NEVER be selfish, so many people, so many things depended on me and my great sacrifice. I HAD to be here and there doing this, fixing that, tending to this one, supporting that one.

Well, one, when I was totally mired in drinking and drugging, ostensibly so I could keep on being there for others. I was there for no one.

Secondly, when I was mired in drinking and drugging and not really doing all that much for them if truth be told. They chugged on without me.

When I left town, people told me...oh, NOW they'll see how important you are, how they miss you, blah blah...they didn't. Their lives went on, and I was left with my own wreckage to address.

I kept busy "working" on them, for them, etc to avoid dealing with my own issues. It looked so good. I was giving. I was generous, I was supportive. What a great friend, parent, wife, teacher etc. I was a drug addict and alcoholic.

It was only when I got honest, that I could get better. And the more recovery I do, the more honest I am able to be.

The person who needs me most is ME. Everyone else can get what they need from a variety of people, but I NEED ME, because there are some things we can only ever do for ourselves. Getting sober in NOT a selfish act. It's an act of survival.

TheEnd

I'm living my life. Recovery is just part of my life. I'm not doing anything specifically for it, because at this point I can't separate the two.

bbthumper

I try to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and those around me. Key phrase there is "fit myself." It is not up to me to decide how or where I may be of service. My responsibility is to practice certain disciplines which allow me to remain open to God's guidance. I work on being fit to receive His guidance and direction on where and how I can be of service.
By doing that, recovery just happens.

2granddaughters

I'll tell you exactly what I did. I went to AA a broken, hopeless, helpless confused drunk and I asked one of the oldtimers to help me.
I grabbed his shirttails and followed him out of the mire in my mind. I did not question.. I followed.
As time went by I began to heal and I kept going to meetings because that is what the good oldtimers were doing. I wanted what they had !!

I had to quit trying to figure it out and simply do what I was told. I had to surrender and commit to AA. I had to realize that I had "thought myself into a box" and my best thinking was keeping me there.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

MythicalUtopia

I can relate to what you are saying! I have almost 30 days of sobriety, and I couldn't have done it without AA and the resources and tools from that program. For me, I HAVE to give back what was given to me. All the wisdom and tools that are passed to me I HAVE to give away because for me that is key to my recovery. If I can help someone through one day of wanting to drink than that is one day I don't want to drink either. I also read like a maniac now! The Alcoholics Anonymous book is a wonderful read, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and Daily Reflections are also fantastic. And sometimes I just research online if I don't want to read...I research alcoholism and try to understand it more because that knowledge keeps me from drinking today. Tomorrow might be different but I can't worry about tomorrow.

The key is people. Talking to people when you have problems and helping others in return. This might not work for everyone but I know it works for me and I'll take it!

Great thread, btw!

Xune

Airplane safety videos pre-flight.

The Oxygen mask falls from the ceiling and the passengers are clearly told to secure their own mask before they try to help others with theirs.

If they didn't help themselves first, they would fall unconscious and wouldn't be able to help anyone at all.

Food for thought.

MIRecovery

Now that is a plan and it worked for me

TrixMixer

Maybe I am misunderstanding you , exhausted, but the "continuing to drink"" is the selfish part. We are doing what we want to do no matter who it hurts. Our feelings are the only ones that matter, the hell with what others think?

Perhaps you mean you cannot be selfish about thinking of your own sobriety because you are the glue that holds things together for your family and alcohol helps you get through this?Is that what you mean?

If it is perhaps you should re-read Xunes airplane analogy--it is perfect!

exauhsted

No not really!!

I will and eventually I will get it out..I get the start a war thing I so get that one! And giving up. Happens all the time. I give up and pick up the pieces..I think you get me more than you know.


Kinda sorta yes !



So here’s the deal if I said ok I’m working on me and I can’t work on you anymore, I’d have 4 grandchildren and a daughter on the street tonight with no place to go. I took them in and it was my decision so yes I have to honor that. I will not kick them to the curb, even though I was drinking before they came it has tripled since they have been here , it used to be just weekends and on occasion through the week .Now it’s every day or rather..night.

I’m not trying to lay the blame on them because I know this all comes from within me but this is how I handle it, I never knew that it would come to this.

I pulled daughter out of a very bad situation and I really didn’t do it for her ..but for these babies.

That’s not really true I did it for her as well I kept envisioning her dead in a ditch somewhere.


I am sacrificing my life with my husband ( who now has had to take a job driving a truck over the road). I have no car anymore because she needs it to get back and forth to school. All the extra money we have goes to gas and feeding these children. We are doing this for them.

Everything that was a part of me is nonexistent at this time I have nothing left of me and yet I am willing to give it .

I just understand that my drinking is out of control and I have to get a handle on it now before I really am no help to anyone. I’m not sure that I am anymore anyway.

I just thought that coming here would give me the courage, the push that I need to make it all happen.

I want be leaving anytime soon because I am getting what I need ,if nothing else at this point I get to say what I want to say. There are people here who actually give a care…I guess that’s what I need most of all is someone to care . People who are concerned about ME.

Oh…. I ramble on I suppose ,but this is what I need to ramble it all out in the open. There’s no way I could do this in front of a room full of live human beings (that’s not the right analogy but I’m not sure what to say).

If you were standing in front of me I could not open up and say what I want to say. I was raised to be seen and not heard . You didn’t speak unless you were spoken to. That’s why I believe my brother is dead today because no one would listen even though he and I had many conversations before he died I wasn’t the one that he needed to listen. He would call me drunk as a skunk and we would talk but I don’t even know if he remembered our conversations the next day. He drank vodka in the end . I am still on the beer that he started off with ,and as a young girl I remember it well.

He was the one though, the one that touched my life, in our younger years. I remember as a child maybe 5 or 6 laying in my bed and crying. He heard me and said what’s wrong I told him I had to go to the bathroom but was afraid to get up. He came into my room picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. He was just a teenager and slept on the couch. I love my brother I wish he was here, he died at the age of 50, an alcoholic. It was three days before anyone found him all alone.

Yes I ramble on in tears……It really doesn’t matter right now if you think I’m foolish or stupid or selfish I need so to release this and I know that if I can I will get where I need to be .

amy55

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. May he rest in peace.



You might have bit off, more then you can chew with your daughter and 4 grandchildren, but I completely understand. I would have done the same thing. How long are they with you now?

Is your daughter getting welfare assistance, food stamps, and child support to help out with the bills? I'm only asking that because I would like to know more of your situation, so that I can respond better.

I am here and I am listening.

(((((hugs)))))

exauhsted

Food stamps ...just not enough!!!! We end up buying before the month is out.

No child support ..that was one of the "conditons" of her comming here was to get it going..been trying for a year and a half... he just recently started paying .(not because any of the agencies did anything but because she had to do it all herself,which cost US major) It was 3 weeks then stopped . We gave her gas money(she has to drive into another state to do this) to go file contempt of court but it's just the same ol same ol bull.

She's going to school and in order to welfare she has to work 30 hours a week...how can she work 30 hours and go to school (to better herself and get out from under it alll).

She's doing good in school going through the nursing program and doing real good but yea your right we may have bitten off more than We can chew but we got to do it there is no other option.

I thank you for listening I really do!!

amy55

Is there any way that they can garnish his pay for the child support? I do know how hard it is to file for owed child support.

How old are your grandchildren?

exauhsted

We are trying to garnishee that is what he was supposed to do but hasn't..that's why she had to file contempt..They had a mediation and all was agreed upon.

15..Big ol' country boy. (well 15 in January)
13..Miss Cute as they come.
8...The ADHD one..LOL smart as a whip but he has no focus.
15 months..My heart.....