I Finally Lost It All
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan 
@MythicalUtopia: Thanks for the advice about AA, I will look into it again. I actually attended about 6 closed step/traditions meetings this last June. The group I met with was just starting the 12 weeks of traditions so I got through about half of those. I just didn't feel like the topics were addressing my need to drink at the time. It was more like the traditions were about the survival of AA - not the alcoholic. When I was called on to share I didn't have any relevant perspective and I am not one to open up that way with strangers to begin with.
Good luck! 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
I remember feeling just like you not too long ago. You sound like you have a clear picture of what alcohol is doing to your life & I think you know it will only get worse if you choose to drink again.
My advice: I know your heart is broken into pieces right now but you have to let your fiance go, at least, for now. All of your time and energy needs to be focused on getting through each and every day sober. Your are very fortunate that you still have family willing to help you.
It took a very long time for my life to start to sort itself out but it did, and that is what matters. The longer you stay sober, the clearer headed you will become & everything will begin to make sense. The pain will eventually lessen, I promise.
Best of luck to you..you can get thru this!
My advice: I know your heart is broken into pieces right now but you have to let your fiance go, at least, for now. All of your time and energy needs to be focused on getting through each and every day sober. Your are very fortunate that you still have family willing to help you.
It took a very long time for my life to start to sort itself out but it did, and that is what matters. The longer you stay sober, the clearer headed you will become & everything will begin to make sense. The pain will eventually lessen, I promise.
Best of luck to you..you can get thru this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Gosh, the support here is awesome! Thank you so much everybody! I really can't say that enough. I spent a lot of time last night downloading the Big Book, checking out local meeting schedules, and getting reacquainted with the AA program. I'm planning on hitting up a closed Big Book meeting tonight. If it's like a study session I think I will enjoy that more than discussing the Traditions. I also found some online meetings, but they seem very thinly attended. Does anyone know of a really good online AA meeting resource?
The odd thing to me right now is that while I have been 10 days sober since my relapse that caused the arrest, I really have no cravings/desire to drink. I was about 5 months sober prior to that and I don't feel like the relapse was long and hard enough to reset my brain back to ripping & running mode. My addictive voice (this site pointed me to AVRT which I had never heard of) has put the idea in my head numerous times but dismissing it has been easy so far. I think I am finally realizing that I WANT to be sober for ME this time. I felt like this too 4 months ago and I gave up on outside support because it seemed like I could do it on my own. I know now that staying quit long term will be the challenge and I need to seek out and develop my support system.
I hope my story, if nothing else, helps someone who is on the verge of ending up where I am stay sober and save their future before it is too late.
The odd thing to me right now is that while I have been 10 days sober since my relapse that caused the arrest, I really have no cravings/desire to drink. I was about 5 months sober prior to that and I don't feel like the relapse was long and hard enough to reset my brain back to ripping & running mode. My addictive voice (this site pointed me to AVRT which I had never heard of) has put the idea in my head numerous times but dismissing it has been easy so far. I think I am finally realizing that I WANT to be sober for ME this time. I felt like this too 4 months ago and I gave up on outside support because it seemed like I could do it on my own. I know now that staying quit long term will be the challenge and I need to seek out and develop my support system.
I hope my story, if nothing else, helps someone who is on the verge of ending up where I am stay sober and save their future before it is too late.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Similar story here, interesting only in that each part was 30 years earlier than yours.
I ran one branch and oversaw the operations of two others and was on the way up, but I liked a few drinks after closing and a few of the female loan officers and receptionists.
I kept the dwi arrests and car wrecks quiet, but finally I couldn't keep all the balls in the air and quickly left before getting fired.
Pretty sick guy, with lots of turned over for forever new leafs behind me and plenty of promises broken about never drinking again forever and ever after or at least some few more months, whichever came first.
There is coming back. The life I've lived since being in your spot and then getting sober is far better than had I not ever been alcoholic and instead lived out that other earlier one, which was a fine life. Getting all the input you can from people who have solved the same problem we have and who will spend their time with you seems to bring people with our problem along quicker and easier. Doing alone what you don't know how to do is harder and allows for serious mistakes to occur. Avoiding all the mistakes you can avoid is best.
We don't know how many chances we're going to have to get this right but you do know you have this one, and one is all you may need if you do anything it takes.
I ran one branch and oversaw the operations of two others and was on the way up, but I liked a few drinks after closing and a few of the female loan officers and receptionists.
I kept the dwi arrests and car wrecks quiet, but finally I couldn't keep all the balls in the air and quickly left before getting fired.
Pretty sick guy, with lots of turned over for forever new leafs behind me and plenty of promises broken about never drinking again forever and ever after or at least some few more months, whichever came first.
There is coming back. The life I've lived since being in your spot and then getting sober is far better than had I not ever been alcoholic and instead lived out that other earlier one, which was a fine life. Getting all the input you can from people who have solved the same problem we have and who will spend their time with you seems to bring people with our problem along quicker and easier. Doing alone what you don't know how to do is harder and allows for serious mistakes to occur. Avoiding all the mistakes you can avoid is best.
We don't know how many chances we're going to have to get this right but you do know you have this one, and one is all you may need if you do anything it takes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I think that sounds like a good idea. If there is one thing in that book that hit home for me...And where I live they read it before every meeting...Is the beginning of chapter three....
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
If you can just wrap your head around that....You're off to a pretty good start.
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
If you can just wrap your head around that....You're off to a pretty good start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by Sapling
I think that sounds like a good idea. If there is one thing in that book that hit home for me...And where I live they read it before every meeting...Is the beginning of chapter three....
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
If you can just wrap your head around that....You're off to a pretty good start.
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
If you can just wrap your head around that....You're off to a pretty good start.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan
I feel like my life is over. Is it possible to come back from all of this?
I am glad you have found SR. It has been a great support to me in my journey.
I hope you can find the courage you need. There is plenty of support on SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Thank you for encouraging me to attend AA
Well thanks to everyone's encouragement I made it to a Big Book AA meeting tonight. Some how my anxiety remained at bay on the way to the meeting. I think I know this time that I HAVE TO do this. The meeting was so much more useful than the Traditions meetings I found myself at during my last go-round. Here I thought I'd be the greenest person there. Nope. There was a true first timer with his last drink about a week ago. Not sure if he will be back... I could tell he was blazed as all get-out, but at least he wasn't drinking.
Ironically, the reading tonight was Doctor Bob's Nightmare. Dr. Bob being a co-founder of AA. While not the beginning of the book, it seemed like a good place to start. Discussion was good and a lot of folks shared some great thoughts. After the meeting, one of the members offered to buy me a Big Book and wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I was trying to hand him cash. All he said was, "Make sure you come back."
The support here, as well as there is humbling. After what I just went through, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole for fear of being judged. I guess I am at home among addicts! Never thought I would have said that. Now to develop the tools to be able to approach the rest of the world in sobriety.
Thanks again to everyone who has offered sympathy and advice.
Ironically, the reading tonight was Doctor Bob's Nightmare. Dr. Bob being a co-founder of AA. While not the beginning of the book, it seemed like a good place to start. Discussion was good and a lot of folks shared some great thoughts. After the meeting, one of the members offered to buy me a Big Book and wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I was trying to hand him cash. All he said was, "Make sure you come back."
The support here, as well as there is humbling. After what I just went through, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole for fear of being judged. I guess I am at home among addicts! Never thought I would have said that. Now to develop the tools to be able to approach the rest of the world in sobriety.
Thanks again to everyone who has offered sympathy and advice.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Great stuff Charlie. There are soe very illuminating personal stories in the big book. I think it really helped me to surrender to sobriety unconditionally. I decided I would take whatever came and learn to deal with it. From that perspective there is nothing to quit , only something to embrace.
Surrender worked for me
Surrender worked for me
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey Charlie. Thanks for your share, your honesty should serve you well if you go about things in the right way - Number one priority being to not take that first drink at any cost! The reality is that it is possible to rebuild your life into something exceeding what you believe possible at the moment. One thing is for sure is that to drink is to consign yourself to a life of continuing misery and failure.
I think if you truly want to recover more than you want to drink then you're halfway there. The rest is to find and 'work' a recovery program which gives you the necessary growth and psychic change so that the obsession to drink is removed and you feel a sense of peace of mind within your life which you keeps you feeling grateful. If you are doing as much for your recovery as you honestly know you can and you can noticing change, however small, then you're on the right track.
It takes time and lots of hard-work but there are many, many on SR, AA and elsewhere who show that it can be done.
All the best
I think if you truly want to recover more than you want to drink then you're halfway there. The rest is to find and 'work' a recovery program which gives you the necessary growth and psychic change so that the obsession to drink is removed and you feel a sense of peace of mind within your life which you keeps you feeling grateful. If you are doing as much for your recovery as you honestly know you can and you can noticing change, however small, then you're on the right track.
It takes time and lots of hard-work but there are many, many on SR, AA and elsewhere who show that it can be done.
All the best
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm not religious, but I do agree that you have to lay down your burden and just turn it over to The Universe. Meaning, take responsibility for your own actions but understand you can only control yourself, not anyone else. Work on yourself sincerely and diligently and let the chips fall where they may. Do you best, you can't do any more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Schaumburg
Posts: 10
Hey Charlie, just read your post. Man, keep on hitting those meetings. At 31 years of age, and not had a family yet, you have a wonderful opportunity for a long and fruitful life, and living right. That is in the promises. Welcome to SR and to AA.
Hang in there
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan
Well thanks to everyone's encouragement I made it to a Big Book AA meeting tonight. Some how my anxiety remained at bay on the way to the meeting. I think I know this time that I HAVE TO do this. The meeting was so much more useful than the Traditions meetings I found myself at during my last go-round. Here I thought I'd be the greenest person there. Nope. There was a true first timer with his last drink about a week ago. Not sure if he will be back... I could tell he was blazed as all get-out, but at least he wasn't drinking.
Ironically, the reading tonight was Doctor Bob's Nightmare. Dr. Bob being a co-founder of AA. While not the beginning of the book, it seemed like a good place to start. Discussion was good and a lot of folks shared some great thoughts. After the meeting, one of the members offered to buy me a Big Book and wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I was trying to hand him cash. All he said was, "Make sure you come back."
The support here, as well as there is humbling. After what I just went through, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole for fear of being judged. I guess I am at home among addicts! Never thought I would have said that. Now to develop the tools to be able to approach the rest of the world in sobriety.
Thanks again to everyone who has offered sympathy and advice.
Ironically, the reading tonight was Doctor Bob's Nightmare. Dr. Bob being a co-founder of AA. While not the beginning of the book, it seemed like a good place to start. Discussion was good and a lot of folks shared some great thoughts. After the meeting, one of the members offered to buy me a Big Book and wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I was trying to hand him cash. All he said was, "Make sure you come back."
The support here, as well as there is humbling. After what I just went through, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole for fear of being judged. I guess I am at home among addicts! Never thought I would have said that. Now to develop the tools to be able to approach the rest of the world in sobriety.
Thanks again to everyone who has offered sympathy and advice.
If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink.
You got the book...Start at the blank page in the front...As my sponsor told me...That was what I knew about AA...The directions for the steps are in the first 103 pages.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
I recommend the 12 & 12 book, too, Charlie. It really helps me understand the steps better, and the steps are how we real alcoholics have a chance of changing. We can stay dry for quite a while, but without effecting some change in regard to our underlying issues, a drink will almost certainly sound like a good idea again at some point.
Welcome & I hope you keep coming around here...
Welcome & I hope you keep coming around here...
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I see myself in your story as well. To answer the question you asked in your first post - yes it is possible to come back from this. I did and I was in a really deep hole. I also had little craving after I hit bottom as I had made such an ass of myself and destroyed SO much that the need to quit outweighed the craving. I had to quit or die or live alone on the street. In the face of that quitting seemed so obvious. I know that others have faced this and not chosen to quit but I guess you and I and a lot of other people on this forum did. The order of events is simple, 1. Quit. 2. Find your way back. 3. Stay quit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Wow! The support just keeps rolling in. Thanks guys!
I took a big step today and met up with my best friend of 10 years to catch up. We saw each other only once this past year when he visited me out of state. I did a good job of isolating myself from everyone, including him, while I was drinking heavily these past few years. I was nervous because he was my main drinking partner for years, but he's a normie (Im starting to learn the lingo around here).
Like usual he had his bottle of brandy on the counter- still 1/3 full. While I didn't have a craving, I kept looking at the bottle and realizing that I had gotten so bad with my drinking at the end that I couldn't just let a bottle sit like that. I would have been into it already and it was only 11am. Crazy. Man, I don't want to go back to that dark place ever again...
I wasn't sure how he would react to the recent events in my life. I gave it a 50/50 shot that he wouldn't understand and would label me like the courts are doing. Not a chance. He was extremely supportive of my decision to get sober and gave me lots of good advice about manning-up, handling what will come with my case, and starting over with my life. I needed to hear that.
Day 13 just about in the bag! Thanks again all.
I took a big step today and met up with my best friend of 10 years to catch up. We saw each other only once this past year when he visited me out of state. I did a good job of isolating myself from everyone, including him, while I was drinking heavily these past few years. I was nervous because he was my main drinking partner for years, but he's a normie (Im starting to learn the lingo around here).
Like usual he had his bottle of brandy on the counter- still 1/3 full. While I didn't have a craving, I kept looking at the bottle and realizing that I had gotten so bad with my drinking at the end that I couldn't just let a bottle sit like that. I would have been into it already and it was only 11am. Crazy. Man, I don't want to go back to that dark place ever again...
I wasn't sure how he would react to the recent events in my life. I gave it a 50/50 shot that he wouldn't understand and would label me like the courts are doing. Not a chance. He was extremely supportive of my decision to get sober and gave me lots of good advice about manning-up, handling what will come with my case, and starting over with my life. I needed to hear that.
Day 13 just about in the bag! Thanks again all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
charlie,
i bet that was difficult to meet up with your buddy. i know it would be for me. but he sounds like a great friend to offer you advice and support like that. you can do it charlie, keep at it, isnt day 12 for you? good job bro!!!!
i bet that was difficult to meet up with your buddy. i know it would be for me. but he sounds like a great friend to offer you advice and support like that. you can do it charlie, keep at it, isnt day 12 for you? good job bro!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Charlie,
I can definitely relate to your situation and I have had a very similar experience. I started out with a great career with a bank until I quit in order to 'preempt' getting fired. I was living with my gf at the time and I drank full time all day while she was at work for about 2 years. I was eventually removed by police and sent back to my parents as I was pretty much drunk 24/7. I did rehab for a month and that saved me. Have you considered rehab?
I can definitely relate to your situation and I have had a very similar experience. I started out with a great career with a bank until I quit in order to 'preempt' getting fired. I was living with my gf at the time and I drank full time all day while she was at work for about 2 years. I was eventually removed by police and sent back to my parents as I was pretty much drunk 24/7. I did rehab for a month and that saved me. Have you considered rehab?
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