lovingstrength

We have been going out for a while when I noticed he drinks alot. When I commented on this, he admitted he had a problem. We talked about and he decided he wanted to quit. After that talk things seemed to go downhill. He doesn't drink around me, but goes home and gets completely wasted. I didn't even know until he admitted it to me and that he felt ashamed and embarrassed to tell me. He told a close family member who is making him get help. That the only reason he told his uncle was because of me.

This doesn't make me feel good at all. I don't want to be his reason for getting sober, although its a start. I want him to see how its affecting his life and health and that be the reason he gets help. But I haven't voiced this to him, I don't want to discourage this little bit of process. I told him to call me whenever he feels the urge to drink and that we would talk and get his mind off of it. I was planning on bringing up AA meetings. I want to go with him and be with him every step of the way, but should I do this? Or should this be something he does by himself? What should I do to support him through this?

Gravel

My women is supporting me. I told her I am quitting for 51 percent me and 49 percent for her.

When we was fighting and I was drinking she said I need to quit for me. I don't think she wanted me to quit for her either.

But the reality of it is when a man is down in the dumps with alcohol he needs a reason to get out and quit. It doesn't matter what that reason is initially in my opinion. The most important thing is the alcohol no longer goes into the body.

I can tell you your man, that is if you love him, needs you to stand by him and have patience. When I was fighting with my women drunk her friends were telling her to stop talking to me. But she said she can't leave me when I needed her the most.

Just tell him you hate his drinking. And you will stand by him for as long as he needs as a friend. But let him know the drinking is straining the relationship.

As I did I broke my promises and drank for a couple months after we talked. And she said she don't know how much she can take of it anymore. After I kept drinking and seen her standing so patiently beside me I knew i had to quit and that she was right.. drinking sucks. I started realizing i was looking like a fool and needed to end the drinking.

Thats what happened with me.

Dee74

Hi and welcome lovingstrength

I think it's very important you realise you can't get another people sober - they have to want it and they have to work for it - that's simply the only way it works IMO.

I had people I loved very deeply but that love wasn't enough for me to stop drinking.

When I did quit the drive was internal, not an external one

I think it's equally important to remember that you need to look after yourself in all this too - your well being is also important

We have a Family and Friends forum here - I hope you'll check that out too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Music

As you can see, I took a couple snippets from your post that caught my attention.

The dishonesty here in telling you he wanted to quit, was to get you off his back....for the present. The guilt made him admit to it, I'm thinking because he either wanted something from you or felt like he was going to get caught anyway.

This situation shouldn't make you feel good. You have feelings for someone who, trust me in this, loves alcohol more than he does you. If he stops for you, it may make you feel reeeally good because, "oh look, he's stopping for me" but I guarantee it'll only be temporary at best. If I were you, I'd call him and tell him that you want no further contact with him unless he stops drinking.

The question for you is: Who's life is more important to you....yours or his?? I predict if you stay in this relationship, your misery level will increase substantialy. Good luck.

PS...you might want to consider going to a couple Al-anon meetings. You'll learn more there than here.

lovingstrength

Thank you all for your replies and concerns. I do know that I can't make someone give up their addiction. I lived with a mother who abused drugs constantly. Nothing I did made her want to stop. I don't want to waste energy nagging him and such. My self being is fine, I am not sacrificing anything or hurting myself, I would step away immediately if that came to past because things like that will trigger depression for me.

What I would like to know is how can I support him in a positive manner? Just up and leaving him isn't something I would be comfortable with, he is dealing with depression. I would like for him to open up more to his family members. We have sat down with his uncle who has helped him find a therapist.

Deluxe

One thing that struck me about your comments is that you said that "Nothing I did made her want to stop". Don't assume your Mother wasn't wracked with guilt and shame. Don't also assume that she never wanted to give up for you. It isnt that straight forward. You couldn't have made or gotten her to stop. You didn't fail.

You didn't have that power in the first place. People with addictions have got to want to give up for themselves.