PurpleCheetah

Hi everybody, I hope all is well. I just joined this site looking for additional, alternative support. I'm still in early recovery, reaching 9 months last week. I began this journey by enrolling in IOP group therapy, mainly for accountability and because I certainly could not do it on my own. I attended AA meetings quite extensively as well, especially after I had "graduated" out of IOP. After about 6 months of sobriety, I cut back on AA to just one meeting a week. In another month's time I stopped going altogether. I had become more active and frankly didn't want AA to be my lifestyle. I always felt out of place, because I never socialized or got a sponsor. That's just not who I am. More importantly, I wanted to move on, to begin doing the things that drinking had prevented me from doing, i.e., living.
I could certainly elaborate on my experiences thus far, but I just wanted to be brief and get folks up to speed to where I'm at today. I felt I had reached a point where I could stop obsessing over alcohol each hour of the day. I thought that I had reached total acceptance and that the physical, mental, and emotional progress I'd made was enough evidence I needed to never turn back. But now all of the sudden, I'm having those same obsessive thoughts and I hesitate to say, cravings. I had isolated myself, cut myself off from friends and family, to the point of near recluse in my addiction. To my dismay, nothing has changed with sobriety in that respect. I don't have any friends anymore nor social activities because they had all involved drinking and drugging. There are quite a few things I once enjoyed that I gave up or avoid because of their association with my drinking, such as playing guitar. I knew this would happen because I realized that I would have to essentially reinvent myself. But lately it is driving me nuts. The irrational thoughts of drinking have returned, despite the progress I've made.
Maybe it's the Winter, maybe it's post acute withdrawal, or maybe I've just lost focus in my recovery. Regardless, I want to check out this online avenue to see if this additional support can help. It's past my bedtime and I've been rambling, so I leave now just saying "hello" and thanks for letting me let off a bit of steam.

Kevah

Welcome to SR! Isolation is dangerous for us, as you well know. I also had to change social situations, and lost quite a few "friends"... I am now building up new, healthy relationships. Hope you stick around here. There are a lot of great people here who offer wonderful support. Good luck getting some sleep

paul99

Welcome PC!

Just going on what you said, it certainly does seem that your isolating and your avoidance of things, the thoughts of drinking and the feeling of going nuts is all tied into confusing abstinence with recovery. It's interesting that while you were going to AA meetings that you didn't seem to have these as much. You were seeing people, hearing a message and saw others who had recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Now that that is cut off, you are cut off and your recovery is suffering.

You mention that having a sponsor and the whole "AA lifestyle" is not for you. But, with all due respect, if nothing changes, nothing will change. So what is "you" then? Isolated and thinking of drinking? Afraid to go anywhere and do anything (guitar, etc) for fear of drinking or using? So where does the rubber hit the road then?

I was a total isolating person. I avoided any contact as much as I could. I too was a near recluse. But that only served to feed my addiction. Having a sponsor and being in AA has helped me to reconnect with humanity. My sponsor was the first male that I had a deep, true connection with. Meeting other men and women in the program who shared a common problem also helped me open up to others more. Before I knew it, through working the steps and being in the fellowship, I didn't fear things like I used to. I could go anywhere and do anything without fear of picking up. And I have people that I can call now. And meet with. I'm no social butterfly, but I have a group of people I can go to when I am feeling off, and there is love, non-judgment and acceptance.

It's a good start to check things out here - you will certainly get support - but it's time to get out "there" as well! Why not give AA a shot again. Get a sponsor and work the steps. You'll move past these fears, isolation and the obsession of the mind.

All the best

PurpleCheetah

Thanks for the welcome Kevah and paul99. I actually did go back to an AA meeting I've enjoyed on Tuesday and plan to go again this Tuesday. Thanks for your advice, I'll keep it in mind. I am feeling much more positive today.

Dee74

welcome to SR

D