DarkCatalyst

Hey all,

I really don't have anyone to share this with IRL so I thought I'd post something here and maybe get some advice and see if anyone has had a similar experience.

Basically, I'm discouraged. I quit drinking on October 31 of this year, slipped up on November 9 and paid for it dearly with what was the worst hangover of my life. At that point I decided I REALLY had enough of this and haven't had a drink since. Even though I had an easy withdrawal, the problem is that I'm not feeling much better. In a lot of ways, I feel worse.

I've been a casual social drinker since I turned 21 (I'm 31 now) and I never had a problem with alcohol until October of last year. I was miserable at my job and generally unhappy with my life. I started to develop anxiety and gradually turned into an insomniac. This is when I slipped into my bottle of wine a night (slowly became a bottle + 2 beers) habit. It allowed me to relax and when it was time for bed I was out a few moments after my head hit the pillow, sparing me from another night of torturous, racing thoughts. During this time I began abusing prescription opiates, though sporadically. Maybe 3-4 times over the year but I always paired it with drinking.

I was fine. Drunk at night, sober during the day and still fully functional...until I got enough pills back in October 2012 to use for 5 days straight. I was out of my mind and it was the beginning of my digestive issues...I felt like crap. I was incredibly constipated, hungover, anxious, and I began waking up at night. All of this lead to my first full-blown panic attack. I was alone at night, middle of nowhere with no one to talk to. I felt like I was going to die and honestly I don't remember how I made my way through it. But I did and that's when I started to think that maybe I should stop this.

You'd think I would have learned my lesson, but no. I kept drinking. Pills were gone, but I kept at it. I remember gradually reducing the amount I drank during the last week of October because I really felt disgusted with myself.

My last drink was on October 31. Because at like 3am on November 1, I woke up with terrible abdominal cramping and pain. This was the main issue I struggled with during withdrawal. Fortunately, that pain gradually reduced to just mild cramping and discomfort that I'm still dealing with today. I feel a little better every week but the issue persists. Went to the doctor and had full blood work done...urine tests, BP. My symptoms are few and very vague so the doctor looked at me like I was crazy, but ordered an abdominal ultrasound anyway. All of my results were positive.

I've improved my diet. I've been on primal blueprint for 10 days now. Still feel like crap. I've started getting some exercise. Still feel like crap. My digestive issue is improving at an agonizingly slow pace.

I thought I'd be happier and have more energy. What's the point? I can't even get help for my physical problems because doctors look at me like I'm crazy. I don't know. Like I said, I'm discouraged. More than that actually and I'm thinking that if I'm relegated to feeling like crap either way, I might as well pick the path that gives me more pleasure.

Happier

Sorry you are having a tough time. Addictions really are tricky and "insane". Just read back over your post and ask yourself why your first instinct is that going back to drinking is a "path that gives me more pleasure."
I get it. I get urges even though I can remember all the pain drinking caused me and those that I love. It just really is baffling to me.

I think things will get better. I am pretty sure that for addicts, not drinking is simply a pre-requisite for getting back our happy, peaceful and fulfilling life. It takes quite a bit of time though IMO. I am just starting to actually enjoy life gain and to have moments of true fun and peace. Those feelings are getting more frequent though so that is exciting. Don't give up. All good things take dedication and work. A better day could be right around the corner......but only if we stay sober. You are not alone and you can do it.

sugarbear1

November 9 until today is a little over one month....give time time and give your body time to heal.

alcohol damages us!

Dee74

Hi DarkCatalyst - welcome!

I think a lot of us have the idea that once we quit drinking life will be awesome - for a lot of us that's just not true, at least not right away.

I know I'd forgotten about the underlying reasons why I started to drink in the first place...the depression, the unease with myself, the void that I was trying to fill.

Take away the alcohol and all those issues were still there..

I liken it to the tide of alcohol having finally gone out - and all the stuff it was covering up is left as debris on the shore....

I think we have to remember that it took most of us years to get ourselves into trouble...recovering from that, cleaning up that debris, is not an overnight thing.

It will happen...it will get better and it will get easier - but we need a little patience, a little faith, and a little effort and commitment first.

stick with it DC - and use the support you'll find here - you're not alone

Check out the Class of December thread - it's for people quitting this month

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2012-a-19.html

D

SkylerTime

Hi,

I am at 37 days and I am really having a hard time being patient with my body healing. Be compassionate to yourself and remember that recovery is a process, not an event. Keep your head up, you are doing great!

whitebear

My last drink was October 31. It's been rough for me too (it's nearly 4 AM where I'm at, but the insomnia keeps me up until 5 or 6 most mornings!). I've been going to AA meetings and got a sponsor, and that has been helpful for me to stay encouraged about sobriety, but I understand that the physical effects of drinking and using other substances are their own plight.

I totally understand how rough stomach issues are that result from drinking. The pain can be completely debilitating. My issue is Alcoholic Gastritis. I threw up at least five or more mornings a week for a few years, and the process of getting back to normal takes awhile.

Even if your doctor can't pinpoint what is going on exactly, you at least went and had an exam and ruled out a few things. No one should look at you like you're crazy for feeling the residual effects of substance abuse. If the issues persist you can always see a specialist. But the good news is that the human body is incredibly resilient, and the other recovered addicts who have been at it for awhile can attest to that, so there is hope--it just takes some time.

MythOfSisyphus

Best wishes to you both, DarkCatalyst and Whitebear. A problem so long in the making doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke the minute you stop drinking. Years of alcohol abuse damages the body, and often the very poison that was causing the problem masks the problem. For example, I have some issues that I had always attributed to being permanently hung over that have persisted once I got sober. On the other hand some of the stuff that I thought was just chronic results of getting older went away within a week.

But no matter how you feel physically, right now, the fact remains that out of control drinking will ruin your life. It can cost you your job, your family and your self respect. It can land you in jail. Yes, it can take your health too but by that time you won't have anything left to live for anyway. So quit now while you're ahead!

Keep an eye on the symptoms and check with a doctor periodically. And welcome to SR! Things can getter eventually if you let them.

hamabi

Go easy on yourself and keep trying. If you can avoid drinking again you'll notice the improvement it makes after time has passed (more time than you would prefer would be needed). It highly beats being sick often.

Dee74

Welcome to you too whitebear

D

Threshold

I was all sorts of PO'd when getting clean and sober didn't make me feel better. When my anxiety was still through the roof, and my body still sick.

I was angry and thought, "I got sober for THIS? THIS is IT?"

I have an issue with magical thinking. I've had it my whole life...if I do this...THAT will happen, just like that!

It's what led me into addiction in the first place. Magically thinking that if I numbed myself, I could pretend things were ok, act "as if" and then things would be ok.

And people said being sober was SO much better, and so I do it and I felt lied to and cheated and like the world owed me a refund. Where was the pink cloud I was promised?

It took me awhile to realize this is my life. MY life. Either I want it or I don't. Either I'm going to do what it takes to have the life I want, or I won't. That's it. The same deal that everyone gets. I either accept it or reject it.

I'd spent my whole life hoping someone would save me. Magical thinking. I couldn't understand why someone else didn't fix me and make me ok. I'm starting to understand now.

No magic wand. But some genuine opportunities for a good life. I still have to deal with my health issues, attitude etc. But now that I've laid down the crazy expectations and magical thinking, I have more energy to address my own real issues.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. You are in the right place to start your journey to sobriety. But perhaps you need a little bit more support? I suggest that because this statement of yours is frankly ludicrous:

This is the addiction warping your thinking.

And go see a different doctor!

paul99

Well, I am not sure that drinking / pills gave you any more pleasure - you've decided to quit, have seen a doctor and are posting here...so that leads me to believe everything wasn't fun and pleasant any more.

I can certainly identify with the feeling worse after stopping drinking bit. Took me a long time to get consistent good nights' sleep, to not feel that my brain is trying to escape my skull, to feel my entire body settling back into something that it hadn't felt in a very long time - normalcy.

We've been pouring poison into our systems for a very long time. It's like dumping toxic waste into the ground - just because we stop, doesn't mean that there isn't some damage already done. Like others have said, be patient. Take care of yourself. Get different opinions from other doctors. Eat well. Exercise if you can. Drink plenty of water.

Unless there is a more pressing medical condition, you will start to feel better. Just might take longer than you want

TrixMixer

Edited by TrixMixer for space:

Hi DC,

Getting sober ain't easy!!!!

I have a few "suggestions" if you would permit me?

1--Get yourself an addiction counselor to have someone IRL to talk to face to face about your concerns.

2--Sounds like October of last year was a bad time for you and that can escalate a drinking problem. It could be that that time of your life was so stressful it set you up for depression. What do we do when we are depressed "drink more to self medicate" the feelings of inadequacy-----
Thus the panic attack!

3--You may need to discuss with your GP or a Phycologist/counselor the need for anti-depressents. This in turn could help with the insomnia and lessen that need for relief from alcohol.

4--I have no doubt your digestive system is pretty messed up(alcohol and especially opiates for sleep ) will do that. Opiates are famous for constipation.
You might want to ask your GP about acid reflux---he will give you antacid meds for that.

5-----and WTH is "primal blurprint", it sounds like cat food, LOL, Maybe that's the root of the digestive problems, could be a hair ball--unless you have cats you will never understand that whole sentence------so moving on!

6--GIVE YOURSELF TIME!!!!Your body is dealing with sooooo many changes, these take time to resolve.

7---Finally I am sure you were kidding about going back to drinking since not drinking has not made you feel better---Could you just listen to yourself???

Sounds like a WONDERFUL idea then you can go through ALL of the above misery again when you decide at 3 am after your next anxiety attack that "maybe I shouldn't drink" HMMMM!

Ya see where I am going here?? Believe me I have been through Panic Attacks alone and NEVER did I ever think I was going to come out of it alive. It is the worst feeling in the world--except the one you get when you can't remember where you parked your car, how you got home, and why you're wearing clothes you've never seen before.

This is all Only my opinion, but a great start is always your doctor, counselor , or physcologist to get you over the initial hump of going sober. Hope some of these suggestions can help you,

We are all here for you, so keep in touch. please.
TrixMixer

sugarbear1

it takes about ten years of "social drinking" for us to cross that invisible line into alcoholic drinking

alcohol typically takes away stress in the beginning of our drinking and then it actually produces anxiety once our tolerance to alcohol has increased

that primal stuff doesn't have very many reviews nor are they that positive; it's an expensive way to take those 5 supplements and has had no clinical trails involved in it's efficacy

relax, stay stopped, eat well, exercise, rest and heal well!

you didn't get here in one night, it's not going away so quickly, either

Boleo

Have you been completely honest with the doctors? Have you told them you are mixing pills and booze?

I used to go to the doctors and tell them I drank about half of what I actually did. No wonder they couldn't help me.

DarkCatalyst

Thanks all, for the kind words. It's much appreciated.

I suppose I had a moment of silliness last night and thought I would get rewarded for finally, FINALLY, doing the right thing...that which is best for my own health. I never had any health issues until my episode so I guess I need to learn to deal with it.

Of course, I told the doctors everything. I went in completely honest because I'm worried about my health and wanted an answer. Couldn't get a good answer by being dishonest or embarrassed. The first guy told me that opiates can mess up your digestion and the effects can last from 4-6 weeks. The second doctor wanted to give me a bunch of (what I felt was) unnecessary testing after my abdominal ultrasound, blood work, liver function, came back fine. For example, a gallbladder test when I never even had a gallbladder attack or any symptoms suggesting impaired function.

I should try and find an addiction specialist but doubt I will have much luck as I live in a small town, middle of no where rural area.

Now that I think back, I'm kind of glad the opiate abuse only occurred 3-4 times this past year. Can't imagine how messed up I'd be if it were more than that.

TrixMixer

Hi Sugarbear,

I did not know it takes 10 years of social drinking to "cross the line". I always thought it may take 10 years before you finally admitted it, LOL!