bamboo10

Hey guys, I'm posting in the wrong partof the forum I know, but I wanted to get some opinions. My abf will be leaving rehab and entering an intensive outpatient program on Monday. I was just wondering if there are any things I can do/not do to help him in his beginning stages of recovery? Any advice?

redneckrecovery

Go to Al-Anon meetings. It really helped my wife.

Have the patience of a saint. You're going to need it. He is going to be fighting an internal war every minute of every day.

2granddaughters

I don't know how long you two have been together but since you aren't married this may just be the time find out what the heck you are getting into. A perfect time to bail out. This will NOT be pretty .
I agree with redneckrecovery, my wife was/is a saint. We had been married for almost 20 yrs and we had a family when I went into rehab.
I WOULD NOT CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME UNLESS I HAD A LARGE INVESTMENT ALREADY (and a Plan B in place). Just my $0.02.

Ask someone at the inpatient rehab what they suggest. My Recovery Home had meetings for the spouses and they could talk to our group leaders if they had questions.

Good luck.

Bob R

paul99

His emotions are going to be all over the place - most of us are on an emotional rollercoaster when we are free from booze. It's just us trying to live with ourselves after so long self-medicating. So I guess I would say not to take anything personally. You may be tempted to cheer him up, invite him to share his feelings (or not share so much!), to "fix" things...you are welcome to do that, but it may not be what he needs. At the same time, you're not there to be a verbal punching bag and a doormat. You have your own life to lead too. It will be trying, and there will be adjustments made. But if you just keep in mind that this man has let go of a very powerful coping mechanism, and is relearning many things emotionally, you will be a great ally for him.

bamboo10

Thanks for the tips everyone. I have even going to al anon so I feel pretty good but I do ha have some slight anxiety about him coming home. I know he is goin to be really moody. Honestly he was a very moody drunk so I think I can deal with that. I'm going to stick around and hope that I am strong enough for this. I wat to do my best to help him find recovery for both him and for our future

MIRecovery

Remove all alchohol and drugs from your house if he comes to visit. Do not take him to any drinking functions, let him be honest with you about his struggles

bnstphnsn

The support from my GF in the first few months (summer time, lake party's, boating) was crucial. I don't know if I could have done it without her. With that being said, I don't know that I could have done what she did. Like it's been said, it will be an emotional roller coaster. I would go from happy to sad to mad to depressed to happy again. And that was just deciding where to sit down at dinner. Just be sure you understand this. I was basically learning how to deal with emotions of all kinds, all over again. Think of a moody teenager that just got put in a new school. Uncertainty will reign. Lashing out, smother love, withdrawing from you, clinging to you, crying for joy, crying for anger, crying for "i just dont know why I'm crying". It will be interesting to say the least.

I think the number one thing for you to do though, is be who you are. Don't become overly helpful, overly critical, or overly anything. While at times it will seem like his recovery is all about you, it will never last if that is how you allow it to become. Be a strong, independent, opinionated woman in every aspect. Be a good listener, but make sure that you are a rock for him, not to cling to and stand on to be sober, but as an example of how he needs to be for HIMSELF. Thats what Alexis did for me and I wouldn't be where I am today without her listening when I needed and putting her foot down when I was trying to be manipulative. It's in our blood. We will take advantage of anything less than a ROCK.

And as always, you have to be true to yourself. And he has to be true to himself. Too much of the other way around and this will all fall flat. Keep yourself number one until he shows that he is serious and is standing beside you, not on you.

Threshold

Take care of yourself first. Al-anon may be great, but if you go, go for YOU, not because you think it will or should help him. Go to address your own issues, NOT to address his.

Give him the time and space he needs for his recovery, be encouraging that he sticks to it, but don't nanny him.

Zero tolerance on using.

Don't take things personally, but also don't tolerate abuse or disrespect. If he gets nasty, tell him to leave or remove yourself from the situation.

Acknowledge that he will not be the same person he was either before he began to drink, or during his "good" times when he was drinking, he will be growing into a different person. Give him some room for this and also allow yourself room to adjust and form a relationship with this changing/growing person.

Take care of yourself first.

Take care of yourself first.

repeat daily

bamboo10

So he comes home one day this week. I am hopeful that he will be successful in this, however, I am not blind to the chances of relapse. So here is my question-he doesn't get drunk drunk. He thinks I can't tell because he isn't falling over slurring. Needless to say I can tell. So if I know he is drinking do I confront him about it? How should I act?

bbthumper

The chapter To Wives in the Big Book has some great suggestions on how to deal with relapse of a loved one. You can read it online if you google search it.

Hopeworks

Hi Bamboo,

It's reality check time. This may be as good as it gets. Is it good enough for a lifetime?

You have to determine what your boundaries are going to be. For me it was a non-alcoholic home where I could rest and have peace and serenity.

It doesn't matter if he is drinking if he is acting like he is drinking... I didn't need the evidence (although I always found it being the ace detective and super sleuth snoop) if the behavior was unacceptable.

I hope you will consider Alanon... it will help you deal with a difficult situation in a way that will benefit you enormously in finding your path.