baileygrrrl

So I think I need some help

I am on a crash course for certain disaster and I need a serious reality check.
I am an alcoholic. There is no “I think” anymore. All of my behaviors firmly plant me in the alcoholic category. Sure, I manage to not miss any work because of it and I still function as a wife and parent but I have to stop kidding myself. Hiding booze, buying it on the sly, drinking on the sly (although my husband isn’t stupid and knows what is going on) not being able to function without that drink every night. It’s at the point that I pretty much feel like crap all day long and don’t feel good or normal until I get those drinks into me every night.

I am also abusing codeine. It takes a pretty large dose every morning to get me ready for the day. I can’t believe how stupid I am for going down this road.
I am waging war on my liver. I can’t imagine the damage that’s been done. I have pain in the area of my liver daily so I know it’s swollen and hurting. Yet I can’t seem to stop this cycle. I am married to a wonderful man and I have two amazing kids, 9 and 16 months old, who need their mom. I am too scared to go to the doctor and get things checked out. I hope I haven’t done irreversible damage. I am scared ******** about that.

I don’t know how to stop. I needed to write this down and put it out there. I need a reality check. I can't believe I've done this to myself and my family. I am not a stupid person. I have a good life. I just don't know how to live it sober anymore.

I know I need to come clean with my husband about this. He knows I drink too much but he doesn't know how bad it is. He doesn't know about the codeine. I want to put off telling him until after the holidays. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my family.

soberjim

Hi Baileygrrl....

Welcome to SR...Sorry to read about your situtation..You are in good company.

Trip to the doctor will full disclosure would mostly likely be a good step..

Lots of support in the newcomers thread along with lots of information.

Keep reading and posting..

Jim

susiedancer

My brother in law was hospitalized because of alcohol/ liver cirrhosis. He is now on Dr's orders never to take even on sip of alcohol. It will kill him. His liver is so sickened that it can't totally repair the scars. His diet is very limited. He can't eat anything that is not nutricious, absolutely no salt or processed foods. My sister died from alcohol abuse (at age 40) as did my grandfather and grandmother (I never met her, she was only in her 30's). But, here I am battling this addiction.
The fact that my brother in law is in such horrible shape- he looks 90 years of age, really only 52, was a great catapolt to my recovery. Wish me luck, only 7 days but I'm trying. I know I have a weak liver too because I too can feel it. I haven't told anyone that.
I talked to my husband. He is supportive but admitted he was clueless that I had a problem. I know it's there and I certainly don't want to damage myself any further. By the way, Ambien & Alcohol, really did a number on my little body.

lilyrosemary

Hey Bailygrrrl. first of all you are anything but stupid. you are recognizing your need for help, and reaching out. i had the exact same addiction...booze and codeine (opiates, i guess) pain pills were my drug of choice, mixed with alcohol. fully functioning, active and involved wife, mom, in church every Sunday...i am just going to cut straight to the chase. This is a DEADLY combination. people that mix these two things, even in small doses, go to bed and do not wake up. period. i came very close and it scares me to death to think about that. please be scared, and please stop. you have two kids who need their mommy...God bless you!

BoxinRotz

You are not stupid! You are human and humans make mistakes. Some mistakes lead us into the path of danger but we can stop it. We can find ourselves. We can change. We can live.

Please go to the doctor! You can do this. It won't be easy but finding who you once were before your life got out of control is worth it. You are worth it! You deserve to be well and love yourself and accept yourself for who you are, what you've done and who you want to be outside of this addiction you are facing.

You are not a horrible person. You got lost. It's now time to find yourself. I wish you well! I pray that you can find peace and get well for yourself first and take care of you so you can be a wonderful wife to your husband, and a great mother to your children.

hamabi

It looks as if you decided to tell your partner after Christmas, is that right?

Stopping drinking and drugging now by not drinking or drugging would help you begin to understand the level of your problem. Try to stay sober a while, see how you do. If it doesn't go well, pay attention to how your mind makes having another drink seem ok to you. That's worthwhile to observe since it's what needs to be overcome.

You believe being open about this will ruin Christmas for your family. My guess is more holidays are ruined by alcoholics drinking or being hung over than are disturbed by someone deciding they don't want to continue making themselves very sick and instead want to live healthier lives for themselves and the happiness of their families.

Thepatman

Don't be hard on yourself.

But you are doing the right thing. You where the road you are on will take you. and we don't want that here on SR. Welcome!

oakwood

Except for the part about abusing codeine, I could have easily written what you did about alcohol. It's good to hear you realize you need to make major changes - that in itself is a big step.

My husband also knew I drank too much but didn't know how bad it really was. Or, more likely, he was afraid to talk about it because once it's out in the open, well, it's out in the open and there's no going back. Anyway, the two of us went on like that for several years, neither one of us knowing what to say or how to say it. Then, it quickly progressed to the point where there was no denying it - it was as plain as the hidden bottles in the laundry basket and the embarrassment I caused at parties with my slurred speech. Thankfully, I don't have small children at home, anymore.

Hang around here. Read, think about how you got to where you are, and most importantly, make yourself a plan for recovery and then work it. There are many ways to get well.

Oh, and I suspect a trip to your doctor will help put your mind at ease. There are brighter days ahead for you.

doggonecarl

Addiction hides in the shadows like Gollum (of Lord of the Rings fame). Lying is a form of concealment. If you want to get better, come clean. To a doctor, to your husband, and most importantly, to yourself.

Dee74

There's some great advice here baileygrrl

I think if we want to change our lives we need to make changes - for me that meant sharing the extent of my problem with people who needed to know, and reachung out for and finding help.

I spent years just wishing for change, not doing anything different - nothing changed.
Don't be like me

Welcome to SR

D

MIRecovery

You are only as sick as your secrets

awuh1

Sounds like you are facing your fears, and that’s a tough thing to do. I give you lots of credit for that. Posting what you did takes guts. My advice is to go to your doctor and get professional advice about detoxing. Find out the facts regarding what you are dealing with, then go forward well informed and with a resolve to beat it. Likely the best course is to tell your husband about it all, so the question then becomes when and how. Only you can determine this. Don’t let fear turn something bad into something worse. There’s good potential for this story to have a happy ending.

Sasha4

Welcome to our family.

To be honest, I never made any great announcements to anyone.

I started working on myself.

I read here everyday, sometimes most of the day.
I started to understand things like triggers, addiction, addictive urges and addictive voices. I also go to a few AA meetings.

There are some sites that can help with the codeine - are you in the UK or USA or elsewhere?

There are taper plan and cold turkey advice.

I would maybe try one thing at once though...might be hard doing it all together.

Don't think to far ahead. One day at a time.

Don't stress about your liver too much either.
I found that when I drank, every single niggle or pain, I was convinced was my liver.
Now I have stopped the pains have subsided but I also am not in a constant state of concern about my liver as I do not drink.

It can be done.
It takes work, but to me now, sitting drinking every night would seem strange.
I have 303 days tomorrow and for once I can say I am proud of myself. I have achieved something. I also fought the battle quietly on my own (with the help of SR and AA) because really there is no-one else who can do it for me. It's all up to me.

I wish you really, really well. Please stay and post and let us get to know you well.

Xxxx

Xune

Minus the codeine, we share much in common with how we use.

You will have to suck it up and get your ass to the Doctor...full and honest disclosure.

I told my wife that I have a serious drinking problem and I can no longer drink alcohol.

I see a Psychologist who specializes in addiction and I post here.

I am an addict in early recovery ( 5 months ) and I will never drink alcohol again.

Ever.

You can do this and you do not have to do this alone.

50mission

I'm an evening and weekend drinker too. I have a good M-F 9-5 job but I feel like pure crap most days at work. I told my wife about a month ago that I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. She was very supportive. Of course she already knew but she was genuinely pleased that I had made that step. I still drink. I've gotten to day 2 twice since that day and will keep trying until it sticks.

T

tinkanman

it might be helpful to go back and read your old posts. you've been fighting this for 4 years and through a pregnancy to boot. we are here for support, but only you can stop. and are you really ready? or will it be another year of the same thing. go look in the mirrror and tell us what you see. we are here to support your sobriety. now is the time. good luck to you jen