Rubysoho

Hey guys
Just a quick post. I'm 111 days sober now (love the calculator on this website!) and I've finally accepted that I'm an alcoholic and nothing I do can change that, and there's no way to beat it. I just need to keep up the sobriety and try and get on with things.
I've been getting really really low. I've been signed off work for a week so I can focus on my recovery (I am attending an abstinence programme for 12 weeks at the detox centre). I found doing that and working was killing me. I just needed some time off to sort my self out and get some food/sleep to get the strength to carry on.
I've been feeling so depressed. I know I'm doing the right thing for me, but I feel like whatever I do isn't good enough. If I tidy up my flat, its not tidy enough, if I do something new, I'm not good enough at it - its really getting me down.
I feel like I'm being bullied by my own mind, I know that sounds weird.
I just want to cry all the time. I don't want to go on medication, I know that I don't have depression, I'm just struggling a bit to adjust to my new life.

I'm not sure if I have a point really, I just wanted to be able to say I'm not feeling good. I want to be happy and smiling and enjoying my life now I have it back, but I just can't at the moment.

I hope everyone's having a better day than me!

paul99

You're doing the right things - getting help, taking time off to focus on your recovery, asking about things here, etc. I remember at that time I was still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Remember that you've lived x amount of years as an alcoholic, and like the rest of us, emotionally stunted and clinging on to a way of life that was in many ways counter intuitive to how we were meant to be. Now, you're only 111 days into a new way of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - we are adjusting. It doesn't happen overnight. Having awareness of it is a great thing, but having a timeline on when happiness "begins" is folly - we are putting pressure on ourselves and contentment comes slowly.

Cut yourself some slack - be gentle on yourself. Continue to work on your recovery. I find that when I get down, I double up my efforts in helping someone else out, in any capacity, to get out of my head.

This too shall pass

Nevertheless

You are still on what they call the emotional roller coaster. It was really bad for me the first 90 days or so. I had a really bad spell around the 6 month mark.
One would think after the first couple months thing would level out. But that isn't how it worked for me. It just takes time.
One thing for sure,drinking isn't the answer. Because for me,thats how it started in the first place.
Hang in there,it will and does get better.
Fred

Rubysoho

Thank you for your messages. It's good to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I keep dwelling on what I could have achieved, or what I should be doing by now and beating myself up for wasting the last 11 years of my life. Which is not helping!
I'm glad you think taking some time out is good, the work people seem to think that I'll just be dwelling on not drinking when I'm not at work. But I just need my energy back!

Helping others is a great idea. I took a bunch of stuff to the charity shop yesterday and that made me feel good. I'll see who could use a boost today and help them.

And Fred you're right, drinking is definitely not going to help! As much as the addictive voice is telling me it won't matter, I know that everything I am unhappy with in my life and all the damage I've done is because of booze.

Feel like I'm climbing a mountain and everytime I think I see the top, I just see more and more mountain! I can't wait to start becoming 'me' or the person I should be.
Thank you!

Dee74

Volunteering was a great help to me - have you thought about that Ruby?

D

bnstphnsn

Don't forget to enjoy each step! You'd hate to get to the top of a mountain and not remember the journey to the top

Rubysoho

bnstphnsn very true! I should try and take more of this in, instead of focussing on something that hasn't happened yet.

Dee74, I haven't but that's really great advice. I'm going to look into the kinds of things that I can be getting involved in. I got time on my hands, might as well use it positively :-)