FenwayFaithful

I drank tonight.

Wanna know why?

Well it all started last night with a stink bug. I'm terrified of them. It was flying around my room, I panicked but managed to stun it with hair spray then flushed it down the toilet. This was about 1:30 AM

I was all worked up and nervous, sweaty palms, racing heart, heart seized every time I heard a noise. By 6:30 I was finally calmed down enough that I felt like I could get some sleep. Just as I began to drift off I felt a tickle on my shoulder.

Instant panic

Tell myself to calm down it' my hair. Feel it again and hear a buzzing, jump up out of bed on instinct and it's ANOTHER stink bug. 5th one one two days for the record.

I've been a nervous wreck all day. I'm a nail biter but today was unlike any other day my skin is raw and even bleeding on several nails. I can't eat. Every time I hear a noise I nearly have a heart attack.

I called my Mom at 7 in the morning waking her up hyperventilating in a panic over the damn bug. Set off three bug bombs today. Sprayed every damn inch of my bedrooms base boards with bug spray. Left for several hours and came back.

Was a wreck all day. Blood pressure through the roof. Thinking about the bugs. Wondering if they'd die. Unable to eat, sit still or focus on anything. I mean my anxiety was through the roof.

Came back to my bedroom after the 4 hour window of the bug bomb was up, every little sound made me jump ,I was convinced it was a bug, began to feel things that weren't there on my skin. Couldn't take it.

Didn't know how to handle it. Drove to the store and bought a pint. Took a few swigs and while I don't regret it now I'm sure I will in the morning. But I just didn't know how to deal with the anxiety.


I'm so scared of them.

They're a helpless little bug, that don't sting, that do no harm and yet here I am drinking over them. That hos incapable I am at handleing life. That a bug can actually cause me to drink.

Maybe it just seems like an excuse, IDK but I just honestly couldn't handle how nervous I was, how panicked I felt I tried deep breathing I tried distractions I tried everything and nothing was working. But drinking DID calm me down. I'm sure I'll regret it but I didn't know what else to do.

I don't know what the point of this is. Accountability ? A mistake I'll regret in the morning when I'm sober? I don't know. Don't even know what I'm asking for. Guess I just needed to say it

It's pathetic that I'm drinking over a bug. But that's how deep my inability to cope with emotions is. I've spent so long using alcohol to numb that that actually dealing with them or overcoming them seems impossible.

Fandy

I had 3mice the week of thanksgiving. I trapped them and dealt with it. Made me crazy. I was doing battle with one on the porch. I tried to kill it with a bottle of plant food.
I didnt use it as an excuse to drink....but i still hate them . Bought those electrical things you plug in the wall, works well.
Sometimes you have to grow up and take care of yourself.

Dee74

I think most of us got to that point where everything was a trigger to drink.

It doesn't have to be that way tho - for the last nearly 6 years I've faced some pretty major stuff - and I've faced it all sober.

It's been a long journey, it didn't happen overnight - but it started with me knowing my old way of drinking for everything doesn't work...and knowing that before I could deal with big stuff sober, I needed to learn to deal with little stuff sober first.

You panicked and you did what you know FF. We all did that at the start I think.

But think about what you could have done - how you could have handled it differently, who you could have called etc - and aim to do that next time

D

FenwayFaithful

I don't even know how to begin to be an adult.


I really am a helpless child that doesn't know the first thing about taking care of myself and actually DEALING with things, not avoiding them.

True, I chose what I know.

Don't feel as nervous anymore.

But I feel regret and loneliness and depression, drinking magnifies most feelings. But it did help lessen the anxiety.

But I'm sure there are much more positive ways to deal with emotions that don't lead to the negative one I'm feeling now and the negative physical and emotional consequences I'm sure to feel in the morning.

I mean I feel like a failure because I am. I let myself get so turned off by the higher power concept in AA that I just became a dry drunk. It was really only a matter of time. I could feel it come after Thanksgiving.

I guess what I'm looking for, searching for is something to make feel GOOD. And nothing is a fix anymore. The more I drink, the worse I feel. I mean I just feel so along and wanting to talk to A-Hole Ex ABF who I've been (fairly happily) no contact with for about a month now.

I'm alone pretty much every day. Most days I don't even speak at all. It get lonely you know? But I don't even know what my preference is.

I am truly a mess and I feel like I don't know where to turn. Maybe I should re-commit to AA. It can't hurt? It's just I was getting so sick of hearing the same stories and about God and some what seemed to me like some BS higher power, the girl who was driving me to meeting always had to tell me and anyone who would listen a story about herself and her life and like really streching **** to make the things that happened to her relate to God somehow and I just got sick of hearing it and stopped going.

Maybe I just need to re-evaluate grow the ef up and realize what I'm doing clearly isn't working.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I want or what I'm capable of. Everyone seems to have so much faith in me and I just feel like a fake and it's all so much pressure.

But honestly tonight was solely about a freaking bug. I am so freaking out of it that I don't know how to handle me emotions of something 20 times small than me.

Dee74

When we were kids we learned by doing, with some guidance from those who'd grown up before us.

I don't think recovery is that much different.

Maybe the question isn't so much AA or not AA but what you have to do to find the strength to let of your fear and allow yourself to grow FF?

D

2granddaughters

F.F. the bug was the straw that broke the camel's back. Are you getting to your meetings regularly ??

All the best.

Bob R

TSDD

You can start growing up by putting the bawbaw down and keeping it down.

You have hundreds of options for AA meetings in the Boston area. Moreso if you have wheels. I spent years in AA believing in absoultely nothing and staying sober. Yeah there were plenty of people trying to shove their version of God at me, others trying to micromanage my life and worse. AA is pretty much the last house on the block. I've met people in AA that were banned from the town of Lynn! Just so you know who you're dealing with, for the most part I take people with a grain of salt.

Anyway, you take the bitter with the sweet. I also found some men who had great lives that took time out of them to encourage me and help me to stop drinking and stay stopped under ANY AND ALL CONDITIONS! Took a little shopping around to find a gang I fit in with, but I did.

AA does not compel it's members to do anything, pay anything, believe in anything, or conform to anything. You may take what you can use and leave the rest. If you give it another try I'd encourage you to try to look for a way in instead of looking for ways out.

What's the worst that can happen? You actually stop drinking and stay stopped?


Next time try eating a half gallon of ice cream instead of buying a pint and report back.

Fandy

I don't mean to imply that i'm such a good grown-up, lol. I shrieked a LOT.....and called my brother for advice. When i caught my first mouse many years ago, i was so terrified i drank too.

Jeni26

Hey FF. I understand. I still have those events that instinctively cause me to react in a childish way. With me it's usually a thoughtless or unkind remark. I will withdraw and ponder it and build up its significance until it drives me crazy.
Growing up is hard.
I am learning to take a step back and halt that thought process. I'm getting better at it.
Most of the time I act the part of a grown up in the hope I will sort of become more comfortable with it. Faking it really.
We had a long time when we drank to cope and let's face it, it didnt do us any good whatsoever!
We are all children when we first quit.
Time for you to pick yourself up and start again.
This isn't about a bug, it's about coping with everyday stress which builds and becomes overwhelming.
First you need to get and stay sober for a little bit. Alcohol really screws our thought processes. It is possible to grow up, lots of us are doing it, but it hurts a bit sometimes.
Best wishes to you x

FenwayFaithful

Thanks everyone.
I live in the attic (my apartment rents by room, this way cheaper) so bugs are something I have to deal with.
My anxiety as really really really really bad.
It's not an excuse, I'm just simply stating that it was unbearable. And you're right. It's not not about about it IS about coping with every day stress.
The pathetic thing is I've dealt with with stress since getting "Sober" last night and November 11th are the two times I've drank since September 27th. And I've dealt with things in that time. Medical complications. Serious consequence to my academic career. Monetary consequence. I'm having serious financial struggles I'm having social struggles, alone all the time but I've manged to stay sober through a lot of semi-serious **** and hard nights but THIS pushes me over the edge.
I know myself well enough to know it WAS about the bug. It was about the anxiety the bug caused me and my inability to be deal with that. I guess I just eel pathetic that a bug had that much of an effect on my mental state.
Anyway I feel so stupid now. Sure it handled the anxiety in the moment but the axintiy and fear is still there. I'm not suddenly not afraid of the bugs. And know what else? Alcohol wasn't stopping them from being in my room, I mean really it solved nothing. Maybe it calmed me down for a single night but it didn't solve anything.
Never does.
No I'm no longer going to meeting regularly. I guess I was not keeping an open enough mind. I fell out of the habit when I was staying with my parents of the holidays who don't like AA and found I didn't really miss it. I was trying to keep an open mind but all the talk of God and spirituality was a turn off. And the girl who was taking me was getting on my nerves with her obsession with herself and her over the top spirituality that she unintentionally tried to push on others.
BTW I'm from Southie but I'm not living there now. Nonetheless there ARE meetings in my area. Not nearly as many as there are back in the city but I live across the street from the bus stop and have that girl who is more then happy to give me rides to meetings. I haven't heard from or talked to her in a while because I guess I just needed a break. I mean literally all she does it talk about herself all that time. Really nice girl but it got a little tiring being in the car with her for 45 minuet to get to her meetings.
She's VERY spiritual, it was a little intense for me. Also VERY into AA which I guess is good, you're supposed to embrace the program but I was having a hard time doing that.
Anyway I feel stupid. Headache. Dry mouth. After I rank I did feel less nervous but I also instantly felt more depressed and lonely. I am very lonely. I know at the very least AA does help with that. But I am having a really hard time embracing the steps. A higher power? I mean really?
I know my attitude sucks. My attitude sucks about everything. I have teachers telling me I can do anything I set my mind too cos I'm smarter then I know when all I really want to be told is that it's okay to give up because I don't even want to try anymore.
I really am a child. I want to be taken care of and told everything is going to be okay and have things handed to me. Cos I don't have the motivation, energy, whatever to do anything.
Anyway I feel stupid. Stupid that a bug could cause me that much fear. I mean it really scared me. But what it does come down to is not knowing how to deal. I don't really EVER deal I just avoid.
I am good at ignoring my feelings with or without alcohol.
But I am experiencing a kind of sadness I only get when drinking. And it's not really even about the regret. I guess it's just a physical effect of the alcohol now. Probably always has been but I was drunk all the damn time so I always felt like that and didn't have anything to compare it to.
Anyway I could have gotten a good night sleep after no sleep last night and woken up this morning feeling refreshed and relived that no bugs have shown up in my room tonight but instead I'm waking up in the middle of the night after that wonderful pass out sleep that isn't sleep at all, I've just lost another day that I could have begun catching up on the insane amount of work I must complete for school, another day I won't run, I've let people down, let myself down, found another problem I turned to the bottle for.
I knew it was only a matter of time. I am SO still on Step 1 and don't know if I'll ever make it to Step 2 like I said the higher power thing is a huge turn of. Part of that might even be the neurological disorder I have, I struggle with abstract concepts, tend to see the world in a more literal way, I don't know.
Anyway I feel crappy and really wish I was getting a good night sleep right now instead of up a little hung over talking about how I drank again. I guess most of you old timers ( I mean a long time in the program, not old lol) knew that this was coming from recent posts. I did too.
I am in a sense all set with it but I know I'll keep going back to it until I find other ways to cope. Cos in the end we DO go with what we know and if we are mentally uncapeable or unwilling, whatever to find new ways to cope we will eventually go back. I've been to enough speaker meetings to know how it works for drunks
I'm smart enough to know I'm doing exactly what I've heard they did. But like the tools to know how to stop. I know AA is about giving them to me. I guess it all just got to be too much. And as nice as that girl was I was getting sick of her stories and her constant obsession with herself and having to hear her tell the same exact stories 17 times to anyone who would listen.
And the spirituality thing IDK it was just an issue for me.

dox

We all have our own concept of a higher power: Some of us cling to the belief than He doesn't exist. Some of us show our gratitude by wanting to talk about It more than others.

When I started to get sober, I wasn't so sure. In AA meetings, I kept getting the message to surrender.

So, I did.

Not all at once, mind you. It took time.

I had to listen for quite a while before I let go of my old ways of thinking. Blaming myself, blaming others, hating myself and hating others; in hind sight: why would anyone want to hold on to that way of thinking? I did, at the time.

I didn't know it at first, but I had to learn to be teachable, if that makes sense.

I am no longer trapped in my old thought processes, like circles getting smaller around me.

AA and my higher power (as I understand Him) taught me and allowed me to be free . . .

Freedom from fear . . .

Freedom from alcohol . . .

Free to be me.

~dox

dox

FenwayFaithful, I didn't read your latest post as I was busy typing mine.

Sounds, to me, like you have an understanding of step 1. Go for it!

I'm sure you have felt the power in the rooms of AA. The power of the group is much greater than the power of any individual member -- a power greater than myself.

So, perhaps it would be easier to think of a power greater than yourself rather than a higher power.

And rather than letting go . . . it might be easier to stop holding on.

~dox

Fandy

Or you can look at as another day where you learned something.
Calling yourself derogatory names like dry drunk is ridicules. (Another reason i don't like the program).
Let's look at the Big picture?
You have been sober since 9/27, with the exception of 2 nights. You are still in school. You recovered from a serious illness.
I'm not going to comment on the living arrangements, because when you are at your parents you complain, and when you are at your apt you complain too.
If AA is helpng you, reconnect. If the topics and the g,God-surrender stuff bother you, just take what you need from connecting with other sober people on your schedule.
If you have a choice to do either one thing for yourself each day, pick the one that works for the day...there is no law that says you cant meditate, and find your inner peace while you run.

2granddaughters

F.F. A lot of AAs find it easy to "fall out of the habit" of attending meetings regularly. That's why I attend regularly to be reminded of this simple truth. You are reminding me right now.

I've been listening to the "same old $hit" at meetings for almost 24 yrs and you know what.. it's kept me sober and a lot of the $hit is beginning to make sense.

My drinking buddies told me years ago that if I went to the Recovery Home and AA that I would get a brainwashing. That's why I attend meetings regularly today, to get my brain washed. IT NEEDS WASHING !!
All I have to do is set my pride, ego and prejudice aside and accept the simple truth as best I can at the time.

I fought recovery tooth and nail when I first began, I try not to fight so hard today. Do you understand what I'm saying? I go to my meetings regularly and receive what I'm supposed to receive. Most of the time I don't even recognize the gifts until much later.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Riel

OP - thank you for posting your story about the stink bug.

It proves that we can use ANY excuse to justify taking a drink. We don't need bad parents, terrible jobs, and hateful spouses. There's always a bug around somewhere.

The thing is, it doesn't make any more sense to take a drink because we've just experienced something awful, than it does to take a drink because we've had a run in with an insect.

Next time I'm telling myself I really need a drink because of (fill in the blank), I'm going to try to remind myself about your stink bug.

Fandy

And if it makes you feel any better, remember that your posting about the bug was a good analogy for others today. You are making progress.

TSDD

?????? Wut?

Yeah, like the guy who brags for 40 minutes about how humble he is. I've seen that one.

IMO you found a really poor spokesperson for AA. Please don't judge our fellowship on the way it is presented by a few fanatics. I suspect her heart is in the right place if she is willing to carry you around to meetings, so give her a little credit. It's more than a lot of people will do.

Naught for nothing, but the poeple who really have a grasp on spirituality don't talk about it they live it and you can see it. I would encourage you to look up spiritual in a dictionary. That may take some of the fear out of the term. You don't need to put much stock into that if you don't want.

Most of us really do want to help you find a way to stop drinking and stay stopped, some people just won't be a great fit for you personally.

Justfor1

I don't know what a "stink bug" is but sounds creepy. It sounds as if you had a serious panic attack & self-medicated it with booze. I suffer from them & get a limited supply of potentially addictive benzo type meds. I feel it helps calm me down enough to deal with the situation. My panic attacks are triggered by public crowds. Years ago I had bed bugs in a studio apartment & felt like I was going insane. Don't beat yourself up and get back "on the wagon".

Spirit08

Alcohol provides instant relief - ahhhhhh

AA takes time. Give time time.

Get to a meeting and get a sponsor and a home group.

behindblueyes

We have them in PA and i feel your pain. My ex used to have about 30 (i am not kidding you) at a time in his room at times and i would just cry awake at night in the summer and fall. He was agorophobic and refused to come over to my place so i drank until i passed out. I used to wake up screaming over these things. They are worse then spiders, they buzz around all above your head and once they land theyre usually in your hair and i woke up with one in my mouth once. Then they emit this disgusting smell that stains your clothes and skin. Ive lost nights and nights of sleep and no they do not die in beer as i drank a lot back then and found them floating around in my can many nights. Be thankful if you have never seen one of these!