exauhsted

Fenway I just have to say that when I came to this site your post were the ones I read the most and I kept coming back to see how you were doing. I get the bug thing only for me it's other things. At this time I find it very hard to even leave my home although I do I have to work up the courage to do so, as old as I am I still want someone to give me direction on what to do and feel very stupid for having these feelings...

I also feel I'm smart enough to know how it all works but just want someone to walk me through it....not sure anyone can but ourselves and our "higher power".

Anyway just wanted to say I feel you and I'm sure you'll do great you already have and that's something to pat "yourself" on the back for and keep trying!!!!! :ghug3

FenwayFaithful

Just wanted to say that it means so much to me that so many people here want to follow my story and care about me. The people on here make me want to be a better person,get sober and stay sober and be able to report to all of you that I'm doing well.

I wish I could report to all of you that I'm doing well but I can't.

I'm kind of a bit of a bender right now. I've been drinking every other day and bed ridden with hangovers on the days I'm not drinking. Drank last night starting around 5 and passed out around 8 PM. Now it's 4 AM and here I am with that dry mouth feeling, headache and belly full of vodka.

Awful feeling by the way, I think one of the things we forget when sober even for a short time is how awful hang overs really are. I thought maybe my tolerance would have decreased but it hasn't. I'm not drinking enough to black out, not yet anyway but I'm sure if I keep this up it's only a matter of time. Not to mention the fact that I literally do not have the money to be spending on booze.

I talked to a friend last night while drunk about what I'm doing, she's been clean from Heroine for 4 years now and she told me all the things I already know to be true, how I'm trying to justify what I'm doing when really there is no justification, trying to deny the fact that I have a problem etc.

I know all of that ya know? I mean this is complete and utter insanity, what I'm doing. I know that like I don't even need to be told that what I'm doing is wrong I KNOW and yet...here I am a 4:30 AM with nothing in my stomach but alcohol...and I've fallen back into this and I want to stop but at the same time part of me doesn't.

There's two parts of me. One part that wants to live a sober life style. And another part that just wants to keep drinking cos that's what I've known for so long. Cos not even the part of me that wants to get sober and stay sober has no idea how to do that

I mean I literally don't know how to function without alcohol.

I really wish I had better news to report. I wish I could come here and tell all of you I'm beating this, I'm doing well, I've learned my lesson but I don't want to lie anymore, not to all of you.

The people here make me want to be better. Your compassion and your success, it makes me want to do this but I guess I just don't have the tools for it.

I'm not really a fan of AA I know in AA they say you need to work the steps, get a sponsor etc if you want to stay sober but I don't know. I mean I really tried to keep an open mind but AA isn't for everyone.

I just really wish I had a way to get the tools I need to get better. I mean I am just so...broken I guess. I don't know who I am at all or what I want or where I'm going or how to get to a point in life where I'm not just drunk and watching life pass me by. I don't want to wake up 10 years from no and realize I wasted my life drunk ya know?

But I also don't know how to get to that point where I'm actually living.

coraltint

if you get outta the house & go to some of those awesome southie meetings, you will find the support you need to stay sober for a few days. you will start to feel better. you will go to more meetings & make friends who don't drink.

I wish all of this for you.

ps. Wrigley rules

Fandy

I'm not an expert on AA but i believe the only *requirement* is the desire to stop drinking.
I think you are full of excuses.
I hope you decide to get your life together and enjoy the wonderful gifts you are so fortunate to have been given . Family, educational opportunities, you could have a great respectful, loving relationship and a family of your own one day.
Instead you are choosing to cuddle a bottle of vodka and bad relationships with men who disrespect you.
One more time (the last time i'll say this).
Grow up, find some professional help. Care about yourself.

Xune

As was mine, for close to 15 years.

I'm glad I finally found myself before a Doctor, telling him everything about my anxiety.

My Doctor treats my anxiety and things, are much much much much better.

Have you taken your anxiety to a Doctor?

FenwayFaithful

My anxiety isn't really a daily occurrence. I started having panic attacks when I was 7 and I was in therapy for years but never went the medication route but was taught a lot of strategies. There are just certain thing that cause it (like the stink bugs) then I have a hard time controlling it but normally I'm pretty good and it doesn't interfere with my daily life, which is why I've never felt like I had to talk to my doctor.

And Fandy it's true that AA only requires you to stop drinking but the rule of thumb is that if you don't work the program it doesn't work for you which makes perfect sense so if you go to the same meetings a lot/see the same people they kind of push you to get a sponsor and warn you that you can't stay sober unless you work the steps. I mean that's the whole point of AA from my understanding to actually work the steps.

I guess I realize too that I'm making excuses and need to grow up. I am really childish and always full of excuses about why I can't do something. It's up to me to change that

soberlicious

I haven't read the entire thread, but I just want to say that overcoming some of my fears has been amazing. I too had crippling fears...spiders for one. Couldn't even look at a picture. Now...I can hold one if I can catch it.

Fearlessness is freedom from prison. I go toward the things I fear now, rather than away. I do things that once scared me and I live through it...I become stronger each time. I am braver and smarter than I thought...and so are you FF!!

Oh and as far as alcohol....that's never an option for me. Period.

sugarbear1

What's so difficult about working the steps? It's taking a look at the stuff we carry around in our heads, the stuff that creates our anxieties and irrational fears.

My anxiety is gone. Thank goodness for those steps.

I hope you get to a point where you are willing to put in the same effort that you are in drinking on a method for helping you to stay stopped. This alcohol thing progresses. It's lethal.

AA isn't the only method, but I think it would really help you with losing your anxiety, which seems to have increased with your continued drinking.

I really wish you well on your sober journey.

With love, hugs & empathy,

Justfor1

Fenway, I found out for my panic attacks I had to take medication. Some folks in AA say thats cheating or a crutch but I relapsed quite frequently over severe anxiety. I ran 15miles a week, tried to meditate, call people ect... and nothing really helped. Yeah working the steps is the key to AA but I found really developing friendships in AA to help. I started to hang out with AA members at ball games (Go Cubs!)
picnics, AA dances ect... I been sober almost 16 months minus 1 day of drinking which for me is a true miracle.

choublak

Well you're going to encounter people who you get sick of hearing talk, outside of AA too. It's just a matter of learning how to deal with it in a healthy manner.