Results of My Dishonesty
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Results of My Dishonesty
My ex Stephen has been calling me at least twice a day for about 8 weeks now. He is damn near blind without his glasses and not very tech savvy but he has learned to text. He sends me the same text nearly every day - LB why won't you talk to me?
At first I was really upset. How dare he? Why won't he leave me alone, but I've been thinking about that lately.
I have a character defect which is that I say yes a lot of the time because I find it really hard to say no to people. When I met him we were both in a Salvation Army shelter. (This was just before I went to treatment) He asked me if I would go out with him. I didnt find him attractive and wasn't interested but I couldn't bring myself to say no, so I said yes. Stupid, sick and now that I think about it selfish.
He was waiting to go into treatment too. He is in construction and said that when he got out he would work, and pay my tuition and support me financially. I was more interested in the financial support that he would provide.
We talked for nearly a year. Basically since last November. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I had no intention of doing so. He asked me to move in with him - I said yes. I had no intention of doing so. He talked about wanting children together - I said yes. I had no intention of doing so.
I didn't end up getting a whole lot of money from him. All in all it was perhaps $500 in the year. Often times, I was the one giving him money. He isn't good with handling money and often spent his entire paycheque drinking in bars and at times relapsing on crack. He also ended up working contracting jobs with sub contractors who paid cash but shorted him on his pay. Sometimes paying as little as half of what he should have been paid at the end of the week. He also ended up having conflict with every boss he ever had. Things were always good for a while and then he'd find a reason not to like his boss or be unhappy with the company, so he was many times in between jobs as he would quit one without having another lined up.
He is kind, generous, courteous towards women and supports his family when he can hold down a job.
I kept holding on hoping for the money. It never came. In the mean time I promised him lots of things that as I just mentioned I had no intention of delivering on.
He is literally a jilted bridegroom and I have more sympathy for his pestering now. I have tried to break up with him a couple of times before and he is a bit like a persistent sales person. He won't really take no for an answer. He doesn't feel that I'm an alcoholic and that's dangerous for me. For him an alcoholic is someone who drinks mouthwash or rubbing alcohol. He does drink and right now, I cannot be around that.
I am also none to keen on his choice of friends. They are prostitutes, other bikers and lots of people who are in active addiction of one kind or another. I don't look down on his friends but I do feel that I could be drawn into a really dangerous lifestyle and a whole new level of addiction should I get any further involved in his world. I tried as much as I could not to meet his friends.
He wants an honest answer, but it seems too cruel to say that I said yes to him only because I didn't know how to say no. I've also handled the break up in typical alkie fashion which is to avoid the problem and hope that it will go away. Its not. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it another way. What should I do?
He asked if I was embarassed by his appearance and I was but denied it. (He has severe dental issues due to drug use, fights and fear of dentists needles). Due to his inability to manage money and employment issues, he only had one set of clothes - both for work and for off work. As I mentioned before - he was in construction so as you can imagine this meant that he was perpetually dirty and dishevelled. He would weare the same clothes for weeks without doing laundry.
Even when he wasn't homeless he appeared to be so. I looked around at tradesmen I saw on the street and they were dirty but they didn't look rough in the way that he did. His appearance embarassed me. That was something that he also brought up that I lied about. I did try to encourage him to buy clothes when he had money but somehow it never panned out. If we didn't get together the friday that he got paid then there would be no money left to do so.
What do I do? I need to break up with him gently but firmly with as little hurt to his feelings as possible. I've never actually had a breakup convo with someone before. I would just pull a disappearing act.
At first I was really upset. How dare he? Why won't he leave me alone, but I've been thinking about that lately.
I have a character defect which is that I say yes a lot of the time because I find it really hard to say no to people. When I met him we were both in a Salvation Army shelter. (This was just before I went to treatment) He asked me if I would go out with him. I didnt find him attractive and wasn't interested but I couldn't bring myself to say no, so I said yes. Stupid, sick and now that I think about it selfish.
He was waiting to go into treatment too. He is in construction and said that when he got out he would work, and pay my tuition and support me financially. I was more interested in the financial support that he would provide.
We talked for nearly a year. Basically since last November. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I had no intention of doing so. He asked me to move in with him - I said yes. I had no intention of doing so. He talked about wanting children together - I said yes. I had no intention of doing so.
I didn't end up getting a whole lot of money from him. All in all it was perhaps $500 in the year. Often times, I was the one giving him money. He isn't good with handling money and often spent his entire paycheque drinking in bars and at times relapsing on crack. He also ended up working contracting jobs with sub contractors who paid cash but shorted him on his pay. Sometimes paying as little as half of what he should have been paid at the end of the week. He also ended up having conflict with every boss he ever had. Things were always good for a while and then he'd find a reason not to like his boss or be unhappy with the company, so he was many times in between jobs as he would quit one without having another lined up.
He is kind, generous, courteous towards women and supports his family when he can hold down a job.
I kept holding on hoping for the money. It never came. In the mean time I promised him lots of things that as I just mentioned I had no intention of delivering on.
He is literally a jilted bridegroom and I have more sympathy for his pestering now. I have tried to break up with him a couple of times before and he is a bit like a persistent sales person. He won't really take no for an answer. He doesn't feel that I'm an alcoholic and that's dangerous for me. For him an alcoholic is someone who drinks mouthwash or rubbing alcohol. He does drink and right now, I cannot be around that.
I am also none to keen on his choice of friends. They are prostitutes, other bikers and lots of people who are in active addiction of one kind or another. I don't look down on his friends but I do feel that I could be drawn into a really dangerous lifestyle and a whole new level of addiction should I get any further involved in his world. I tried as much as I could not to meet his friends.
He wants an honest answer, but it seems too cruel to say that I said yes to him only because I didn't know how to say no. I've also handled the break up in typical alkie fashion which is to avoid the problem and hope that it will go away. Its not. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it another way. What should I do?
He asked if I was embarassed by his appearance and I was but denied it. (He has severe dental issues due to drug use, fights and fear of dentists needles). Due to his inability to manage money and employment issues, he only had one set of clothes - both for work and for off work. As I mentioned before - he was in construction so as you can imagine this meant that he was perpetually dirty and dishevelled. He would weare the same clothes for weeks without doing laundry.
Even when he wasn't homeless he appeared to be so. I looked around at tradesmen I saw on the street and they were dirty but they didn't look rough in the way that he did. His appearance embarassed me. That was something that he also brought up that I lied about. I did try to encourage him to buy clothes when he had money but somehow it never panned out. If we didn't get together the friday that he got paid then there would be no money left to do so.
What do I do? I need to break up with him gently but firmly with as little hurt to his feelings as possible. I've never actually had a breakup convo with someone before. I would just pull a disappearing act.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by LifeBlows 
What do I do? I need to break up with him gently but firmly with as little hurt to his feelings as possible. I've never actually had a breakup convo with someone before. I would just pull a disappearing act.
Seeing as he is in active addiction and you are not, you may want to post this in the Friends&Family forum as well. There might be someone there who has exactly this kind of experience behind them.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
The situation sounds a bit toxic for both of you - him with unmet expectations brought forth by dishonesty and fear on your part, and you with the reality of his associates and your sobriety at stake. And from what you mention, there really isn't much of a foundation for a relationship. Reaching out for someone else right while we are convalescing is usually fraught with emotional pitfalls.
How you deal with the how and when, etc. of doing the deed - I can't comment. But my gut tells me that he needs an honest and firm chat from you. You owe him that, considering the deception of the past. And if he can't handle that, well then you will have to consider help with this.
Amends is a great idea. And looking into the reasons for your actions towards this man can be something that will not only prevent something like this happening again, but to increase your emotional growth and healthier ways to relate to others...including yourself.
Best of luck.
How you deal with the how and when, etc. of doing the deed - I can't comment. But my gut tells me that he needs an honest and firm chat from you. You owe him that, considering the deception of the past. And if he can't handle that, well then you will have to consider help with this.
Amends is a great idea. And looking into the reasons for your actions towards this man can be something that will not only prevent something like this happening again, but to increase your emotional growth and healthier ways to relate to others...including yourself.
Best of luck.
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