Replacing one addiction for another
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Replacing one addiction for another
I just wanted to find out how many members simply shift addictions when they become sober.
My H and I haven't drunk for 6 months and are doing well. Everything in our family life is improving and this is the first Christmas we will have spent sober together in the 22 years we have been married.
We are following completely different paths in sobriety but that's ok. There's love and acceptance and good old fashioned tolerance.
I have sort of thrown myself into AA. I go out to meetings, I read, I try and practice the principles. I also spend a lot of time on this forum. I admit I'm an alcoholic and will do anything to get well. And I'm doing ok.
He on the other hand has never described himself as an alcoholic. In the beginning he admitted he didn't like the way he became when he was drunk. He regrets lots of his past actions. He is naturally very single minded so his stubbornness at sticking to his declaration to quit has seen him this far. I used to worry all the time that this wouldn't last because he is still in denial but I've learned to look after my own recovery, be grateful for what I have today and accept there is nothing I can do to change the way he feels and that isn't my job anyway.
But, his addictive nature is showing itself in every other aspect of his life now. He is becoming really secretive at hoarding things, he is over spending (ridiculously so) on things we don't need and I don't think he even wants. We both work full time, he has his own money,so there is no need for him to be secretive at all. He is angry, a lot. Mostly over nothing in particular-the way someone has parked their car, a neighbour who has left their bins out ( yes, these are real examples!!) His behaviour is worrying me a bit. I think he has just switched addictions and is storing resentment.
I don't think there's much I can do. But it's like a simmering pressure cooker....
Anyone else feel like he does?
My H and I haven't drunk for 6 months and are doing well. Everything in our family life is improving and this is the first Christmas we will have spent sober together in the 22 years we have been married.
We are following completely different paths in sobriety but that's ok. There's love and acceptance and good old fashioned tolerance.
I have sort of thrown myself into AA. I go out to meetings, I read, I try and practice the principles. I also spend a lot of time on this forum. I admit I'm an alcoholic and will do anything to get well. And I'm doing ok.
He on the other hand has never described himself as an alcoholic. In the beginning he admitted he didn't like the way he became when he was drunk. He regrets lots of his past actions. He is naturally very single minded so his stubbornness at sticking to his declaration to quit has seen him this far. I used to worry all the time that this wouldn't last because he is still in denial but I've learned to look after my own recovery, be grateful for what I have today and accept there is nothing I can do to change the way he feels and that isn't my job anyway.
But, his addictive nature is showing itself in every other aspect of his life now. He is becoming really secretive at hoarding things, he is over spending (ridiculously so) on things we don't need and I don't think he even wants. We both work full time, he has his own money,so there is no need for him to be secretive at all. He is angry, a lot. Mostly over nothing in particular-the way someone has parked their car, a neighbour who has left their bins out ( yes, these are real examples!!) His behaviour is worrying me a bit. I think he has just switched addictions and is storing resentment.
I don't think there's much I can do. But it's like a simmering pressure cooker....
Anyone else feel like he does?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I'm a month sober and don't feel like that. I do feel sadness a lot, but not that much anger other then at myself sometimes for waiting so long to wake up.
Don't care much about the neighbour's bins or lifes.
Don't care much about the neighbour's bins or lifes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
He isn't a sad person. He actually is fairly up-beat unless he's angry!
The bad times, the sad times he's had through drinking aren't discussed at all.
It is a strange thing. I'm all for everyone finding their own way, and my way is no better than his, just different.
But he is just acting so secretively and his resentment at just about everything outside of our house is growing all the time. I have tried to discuss things, but he clams up. As far as he's concerned, he isn't drinking and that's enough.
The bad times, the sad times he's had through drinking aren't discussed at all.
It is a strange thing. I'm all for everyone finding their own way, and my way is no better than his, just different.
But he is just acting so secretively and his resentment at just about everything outside of our house is growing all the time. I have tried to discuss things, but he clams up. As far as he's concerned, he isn't drinking and that's enough.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
What you describe is often referred to as untreated alcoholism.
He may have put down the bottle, but the causes and conditions which used to make him pick up in the first place are still there. In the big book, they talk about the "bedevilments" on page 52:
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people"
When the spiritual malady isn't addressed, which is where the steps come in, then these things almost always occur. The solution to our problems was the bottle - a **** poor solution of course - but that was what we reached for. Those who solely abstain still have those things cropping up and have no solution for them. And so they are restless, irritable and discontented, as the big book describes them.
You are on a spiritual path - you are working the program, go to meetings, practice the principles, etc. Hence, you are not experiencing what he is experiencing. If you're gonna take a bone out of a dog's mouth, you better replace it with a steak, if you know what I mean. He isn't experiencing serenity because there is nothing to address the underlying causes for his past drinking.
And yes, of course, alcoholism manifests into other behaviors - some get into sex, gambling, debting (spending), food, shoplifting, etc. It's all about getting to the core stuff and dealing with it, or the addiction just switches uniforms.
Your gut on all of this is correct. It's only a matter of time until something gives - either he picks up again, or he goes full blown into the other stuff, or he just gets angrier.
For me, I was finding that I was using sugar in similar ways to alcohol. I was hoarding it, hiding it, bingeing on it, etc. I had to eliminate that as well, so that I could find more clarity into what made me reach for something else. Once I did that, and doing another 4th with my sponsor, I was able to get deeper into things, and to remove what didn't serve me any more. So yes, it is not uncommon for us to shift into something else.
He may have put down the bottle, but the causes and conditions which used to make him pick up in the first place are still there. In the big book, they talk about the "bedevilments" on page 52:
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people"
When the spiritual malady isn't addressed, which is where the steps come in, then these things almost always occur. The solution to our problems was the bottle - a **** poor solution of course - but that was what we reached for. Those who solely abstain still have those things cropping up and have no solution for them. And so they are restless, irritable and discontented, as the big book describes them.
You are on a spiritual path - you are working the program, go to meetings, practice the principles, etc. Hence, you are not experiencing what he is experiencing. If you're gonna take a bone out of a dog's mouth, you better replace it with a steak, if you know what I mean. He isn't experiencing serenity because there is nothing to address the underlying causes for his past drinking.
And yes, of course, alcoholism manifests into other behaviors - some get into sex, gambling, debting (spending), food, shoplifting, etc. It's all about getting to the core stuff and dealing with it, or the addiction just switches uniforms.
Your gut on all of this is correct. It's only a matter of time until something gives - either he picks up again, or he goes full blown into the other stuff, or he just gets angrier.
For me, I was finding that I was using sugar in similar ways to alcohol. I was hoarding it, hiding it, bingeing on it, etc. I had to eliminate that as well, so that I could find more clarity into what made me reach for something else. Once I did that, and doing another 4th with my sponsor, I was able to get deeper into things, and to remove what didn't serve me any more. So yes, it is not uncommon for us to shift into something else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thankyou Paul. Yes that's what I think too. He's got through so many situations and remained sober. But with Christmas coming up he is being tested big time.
AA is not for him, he is supportive of me but refuses to entertain it for himself. And thats his choice. while it is helping me, there is no doubt in my mind that it isnt for everyone and i respect that. But he has nothing else.
I wish he would look into other recovery methods but he doesn't accept he is an alcoholic.
He has many underlying issues and I try to help.
Restless, irritable and discontent....
He is the kindest, funniest person I've ever met.
But he's struggling I know.
Time will play this out I guess.
AA is not for him, he is supportive of me but refuses to entertain it for himself. And thats his choice. while it is helping me, there is no doubt in my mind that it isnt for everyone and i respect that. But he has nothing else.
I wish he would look into other recovery methods but he doesn't accept he is an alcoholic.
He has many underlying issues and I try to help.
Restless, irritable and discontent....
He is the kindest, funniest person I've ever met.
But he's struggling I know.
Time will play this out I guess.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
... His behaviour is worrying me a bit. I think he has just switched addictions and is storing resentment.
I don't think there's much I can do. But it's like a simmering pressure cooker....
Anyone else feel like he does?
I don't think there's much I can do. But it's like a simmering pressure cooker....
Anyone else feel like he does?
I finally ended up having a Spiritual Awakening that made sobriety a piece of cake. That eliminated most of the anger and resentments in my life (except the first month of driving a long-haul truck).
I also developed an affinity for trying to help other alcoholics. I sometimes attend up to 4-5 fellowship meetings per week. However, it s not like an addiction. It is more like a hobby.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
IMO if he is an alcoholic of the type described in the Big Book, then by putting down booze, he put down his treatment for alcoholism. Sounds like he is finding other things to treat it. Pretty common among alcoholics who avoid the spiritual approach. Best thing you could do is be an example of what a spiritual life has to offer. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
Jeni: the gift you are giving yourself is sobriety, perhaps you could do a small meditation time of prayer/affirmation for your husband, then let your HP have the thoughts for the remainder of the day.
Take good care
Bloss
Take good care
Bloss
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 21
Everyone has bad days; this has nothing to do with spirituality.
Could it be he wishes you would spend more time with him and less time at meetings. Perhaps it's time you looked at his method of sobriety. It may be better for your family.
Could it be he wishes you would spend more time with him and less time at meetings. Perhaps it's time you looked at his method of sobriety. It may be better for your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Ouch! That hurt. I'm absolutely doing this for my family. I wasn't much good for them before.
Thing is, he's not cross at me. We're fine. It seems to be when he has to face life outside our family unit he struggles.
This isn't about AA. Im not going to start defending my decision to work that programme. It's about how best to help him.
Anyway. I will sign off from this one I think.
Thing is, he's not cross at me. We're fine. It seems to be when he has to face life outside our family unit he struggles.
This isn't about AA. Im not going to start defending my decision to work that programme. It's about how best to help him.
Anyway. I will sign off from this one I think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Jeni26
Ouch! That hurt. I'm absolutely doing this for my family. I wasn't much good for them before.
Thing is, he's not cross at me. We're fine. It seems to be when he has to face life outside our family unit he struggles.
This isn't about AA. Im not going to start defending my decision to work that programme. It's about how best to help him.
Anyway. I will sign off from this one I think.
Thing is, he's not cross at me. We're fine. It seems to be when he has to face life outside our family unit he struggles.
This isn't about AA. Im not going to start defending my decision to work that programme. It's about how best to help him.
Anyway. I will sign off from this one I think.
For me though, AA failed me and meetings kept me away from my family.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I don't know your husband at all Jeni but it took me about a year to sort myself out - I had 20 years of drinking to 'undo'.
I was single for most of the time, but I've no doubt for a lot of that year I wasn't always at my best...
but I stayed sober and things fell into place eventually - I hope it will be the same for him too
I think you're already doing all you need to do.
It's his journey to walk
D
I was single for most of the time, but I've no doubt for a lot of that year I wasn't always at my best...
but I stayed sober and things fell into place eventually - I hope it will be the same for him too
I think you're already doing all you need to do.
It's his journey to walk
D
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by Jeni26
He on the other hand has never described himself as an alcoholic. In the beginning he admitted he didn't like the way he became when he was drunk. He regrets lots of his past actions. He is naturally very single minded so his stubbornness at sticking to his declaration to quit has seen him this far.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
Originally Posted by Jeni26
He's sober. I'm sober. And we are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Denver Colorado
Posts: 1
I have felt angry that way but not for small things. I get angry when i speak with my daughters mother because it is my addiction that ruined our relationship. She wants to move out of the state and take the kids. Interacting with her makes me angry but its the only way to interact with the kids. I have been smoking more.
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