The biggest resentment - ME
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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The biggest resentment - ME
I have done things that are unforgivable.
This is what is hardest to deal with sober.
I am the best person I can be today, but I really am having a hard time with who I am/was.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Except prayer.
This is what is hardest to deal with sober.
I am the best person I can be today, but I really am having a hard time with who I am/was.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Except prayer.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
This might have been the toughest hurdle I had to sobriety, DB. I am familiar with the theology and psychology of the sacrament of confession or reconciliation in the Roman Catholic church, so I knew I was looking for more than Steps 4-12.
A wise friend of mine talked to me at length about self forgiveness, and I thought long and hard about that. Ultimately, that concept wasn't satisfying to me. What worked and satisfied my need for balance was acceptance. I accepted that I had done some regrettable things, I accepted that I felt regrets for them, and ultimately I accepted me.
I have done some pretty bad things to some good people, but this is done and gone. It exists and to wrestle with this existence makes no more sense than the bumpkin who disbelieved the giraffe. The question is for me, how do I act now? Timshel.
A wise friend of mine talked to me at length about self forgiveness, and I thought long and hard about that. Ultimately, that concept wasn't satisfying to me. What worked and satisfied my need for balance was acceptance. I accepted that I had done some regrettable things, I accepted that I felt regrets for them, and ultimately I accepted me.
I have done some pretty bad things to some good people, but this is done and gone. It exists and to wrestle with this existence makes no more sense than the bumpkin who disbelieved the giraffe. The question is for me, how do I act now? Timshel.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi doublebarrel. I did lots of bad things too, I'm actually very thankful to be alive & not locked up. I'll never forget all that though, the darkness of those memories help keep me sober.
The self loathing can be paralyzing. The way I try to live now is to always do my very best to do the right thing NOW. I can't fix the past, it's done. I see myself walking away from the wreckage and walk on, living well. As time passes, it has gotten better. I even know a few people now who don't remember me as a drunk. It is hard to believe it at first but things do get better.
The self loathing can be paralyzing. The way I try to live now is to always do my very best to do the right thing NOW. I can't fix the past, it's done. I see myself walking away from the wreckage and walk on, living well. As time passes, it has gotten better. I even know a few people now who don't remember me as a drunk. It is hard to believe it at first but things do get better.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
It's scary as heck. It's scary looking into the future and thinking that I have to drag my past round like a ball and chain.
I had a rough childhood. I could have spent more energy confronting family members, wanting them to face up to things they did or left undone, trying to get a confession or apology or whatever...and I could do the same to myself. Or I could say..what happened happened, and I am moving on.
I've left many of those folks from my childhood behind, because their behavior was still negative. Others...have grown and changed and I have them in my life because they are not doing what they did then.
Same with myself, I could abandon me again...to booze/pills, whatever the self destructive buffet had left for me, or I could realize that I too have learned, grown and don't behave those ways and thus keep ME in my life. Not try to resurrect or fix some old broken relationship. but start a new one, on new terms, because it can be different now.
It scares me when I really come face to face with how crazy I've been.
It happened to me today, in fact. And I wanted to cry and beat myself and rush to apologize and fix things with the other person, but I realize that the kindest thing I can do now is to let him alone.
I had a rough childhood. I could have spent more energy confronting family members, wanting them to face up to things they did or left undone, trying to get a confession or apology or whatever...and I could do the same to myself. Or I could say..what happened happened, and I am moving on.
I've left many of those folks from my childhood behind, because their behavior was still negative. Others...have grown and changed and I have them in my life because they are not doing what they did then.
Same with myself, I could abandon me again...to booze/pills, whatever the self destructive buffet had left for me, or I could realize that I too have learned, grown and don't behave those ways and thus keep ME in my life. Not try to resurrect or fix some old broken relationship. but start a new one, on new terms, because it can be different now.
It scares me when I really come face to face with how crazy I've been.
It happened to me today, in fact. And I wanted to cry and beat myself and rush to apologize and fix things with the other person, but I realize that the kindest thing I can do now is to let him alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Forget about what is forgivable or not.
Own up to what you have done and take responsibility for it.
Make amends where you can and try to rebuild any bridges you have burned.
That is all you can do, you can't change the past.
You can only control what you do in the here and now.
Own up to what you have done and take responsibility for it.
Make amends where you can and try to rebuild any bridges you have burned.
That is all you can do, you can't change the past.
You can only control what you do in the here and now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
It's easy to say we actually forgive ourselves but It's actually a lot harder to do.
I know I found it much easier to forgive others then myself.
The past is the past, we cant change it, but we can learn from it, and look toward the future. I wise man once told me, you want to be a good person, then do good things, and that's how I try to live my life.
When we use, thats not the real us, that's reality, the only thing that mattered was the addiction, if someone got in the way watch out. What we've done what we were, we cant go back in time, but we can leave it in the past, and work on our future. ( easier said then done, I know).
Alot of people say they change when they quit using, I dont think I've changed, I've just went back to who I really am and who I was meant to be, and I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I've done some unthinkable things during the years, and honestly I cant believe what my life had come to, or the fact I'm still alive and not behind bars. But we cant change it, but we can grow from it and try to make things right ( if your not going to cause harm to others , or get yourself shot)
Some people wont forgive, and you cant make them, but that's theirs choice and theirs alone.
There's a positive to every bad action we've ever done, It can just be really hard to see it sometimes, and it's made me who we are.
I can honestly say I'm a grateful Alcoholic , because if I wasn't, I don't know if I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror.
I know I found it much easier to forgive others then myself.
The past is the past, we cant change it, but we can learn from it, and look toward the future. I wise man once told me, you want to be a good person, then do good things, and that's how I try to live my life.
When we use, thats not the real us, that's reality, the only thing that mattered was the addiction, if someone got in the way watch out. What we've done what we were, we cant go back in time, but we can leave it in the past, and work on our future. ( easier said then done, I know).
Alot of people say they change when they quit using, I dont think I've changed, I've just went back to who I really am and who I was meant to be, and I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I've done some unthinkable things during the years, and honestly I cant believe what my life had come to, or the fact I'm still alive and not behind bars. But we cant change it, but we can grow from it and try to make things right ( if your not going to cause harm to others , or get yourself shot)
Some people wont forgive, and you cant make them, but that's theirs choice and theirs alone.
There's a positive to every bad action we've ever done, It can just be really hard to see it sometimes, and it's made me who we are.
I can honestly say I'm a grateful Alcoholic , because if I wasn't, I don't know if I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel 
I have done things that are unforgivable.
This is what is hardest to deal with sober.
I am the best person I can be today, but I really am having a hard time with who I am/was.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Except prayer.
This is what is hardest to deal with sober.
I am the best person I can be today, but I really am having a hard time with who I am/was.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Except prayer.
I bought the disease concept in it's entirety. Having realized that after I took the first one I was just along for the ride, it took away much of the guilt.
What really sealed the deal was staying clean and sober and acting right continuously. I remember somewhere between 5 and 6 years I looked back and the way I had been living since putting down substances and finally realizing that that was really me. Sort of similar to how other people don't trust you til they see you acting right for a while....well I guess I didn't really believe me until I saw myself doing the right thing for a while.
Just realizing that I was showing up for work every day (not banging in sick every Monday), not making my mother cry anymore, being able to show up when and where I said I was going to show up. Being of service to my fellow man.... Consistantly, day after day. Eventually I had to believe it. That was another guy who did all that rotten stuff. How do I know? Because I don't do any of that sober, I'm a completely different person.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Its easy to say to just move on, but I cannot forgive myself for some things.
It haunts me.
Quite honestly, if someone else had done some of the stuff I did, I would want revenge, justice, something. And theres nothing I can do to fix it.
I make amends wherever I can. Some things aren't fixable.
I get to live with myself, which I suppose is punishment in itself.
But to those who didn't deserve the way I treated them, I don't know how I can ever make it right. This is the problem, in a nutshell.
I don't want to drink anymore, and living with who I am is making me very depressed. And I totally deserve it.
It haunts me.
Quite honestly, if someone else had done some of the stuff I did, I would want revenge, justice, something. And theres nothing I can do to fix it.
I make amends wherever I can. Some things aren't fixable.
I get to live with myself, which I suppose is punishment in itself.
But to those who didn't deserve the way I treated them, I don't know how I can ever make it right. This is the problem, in a nutshell.
I don't want to drink anymore, and living with who I am is making me very depressed. And I totally deserve it.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
That's what I was saying DB, not forgiveness because I can't forgive myself for that stuff. But I can accept that it happened, and stop twisting hankies over it. I still shake my head over things I did, but I don't dwell on them and let them drive other thoughts. I take responsibility for them in every way, but that is where it ends.
What is much more important is what am I doing now, in this present moment?
What is much more important is what am I doing now, in this present moment?
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
... but I cannot forgive myself for some things.
It haunts me.
Quite honestly, if someone else had done some of the stuff I did, I would want revenge, justice, something. And theres nothing I can do to fix it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I am trying to accept that I cannot change the past.
But I feel tremendous guilt or regret that I have changed others lives, and not for the better. Perhaps permenantly.
And there is not an amends process that is workable. I will make any amends I can, but there's a couple that it's simply impossible.
All I can do is suck it up I'm afraid.
Im sure that I'm not the only one in this boat.
But I feel tremendous guilt or regret that I have changed others lives, and not for the better. Perhaps permenantly.
And there is not an amends process that is workable. I will make any amends I can, but there's a couple that it's simply impossible.
All I can do is suck it up I'm afraid.
Im sure that I'm not the only one in this boat.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Santa Ana, CA
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by DAB
Forget about what is forgivable or not.
Own up to what you have done and take responsibility for it.
Make amends where you can and try to rebuild any bridges you have burned.
That is all you can do, you can't change the past.
You can only control what you do in the here and now.
Own up to what you have done and take responsibility for it.
Make amends where you can and try to rebuild any bridges you have burned.
That is all you can do, you can't change the past.
You can only control what you do in the here and now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
If you, for instance, drove drunk, and maimed someone permenantly, would you say, oh, yeah, don't worry about what's unforgivable, just take responsibility and move on?
Last edited by DoubleBarrel; 12-04-2012 at 11:12 PM. Reason: Too emotional
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
If you, for instance, drove drunk, and maimed someone permenantly, would you say, oh, yeah, don't worry about what's unforgivable, just take responsibility and move on?
1. Don't do it again.
2. Find a way to be of service to people harmed by people like me and you. Financial donations, time volunteering, telling your story to youth to enlighten them about the perils of "This won't happen to me" thinking.
I too, have a debt to repay that will never be fully repaid - but I pay it as best I can - and it doesn't become much of a burden at all. In fact, it's given me some freedom.
You mentioned you're not interested in prayer and meditation so I won't bother you with the freedom and sense of direction those provide.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Double.
You cannot make it right. Sometimes we cannot. Accepting that is not a weakness. Its a strength.
In some cases one must leave those they hurt alone. There is nothing more that can be done.
Instead find a surrogate. Like thepatman said. Make it right in your life by focusing on what you can do for yourself and others around you now.
Show yourself.... And those around you ... that while you cannot fix everything. You can fix something's. that strength you show in yourself will be a healer for others.
We don't have the power sometimes to do anything more than help ourselves. And that alone can be very powerful.
It's not selfish either.
You have to give to get in everything that's worthwhile. Forgiveness, love and help..... Making what ever right for whom ever...
I wish you the best
You cannot make it right. Sometimes we cannot. Accepting that is not a weakness. Its a strength.
In some cases one must leave those they hurt alone. There is nothing more that can be done.
Instead find a surrogate. Like thepatman said. Make it right in your life by focusing on what you can do for yourself and others around you now.
Show yourself.... And those around you ... that while you cannot fix everything. You can fix something's. that strength you show in yourself will be a healer for others.
We don't have the power sometimes to do anything more than help ourselves. And that alone can be very powerful.
It's not selfish either.
You have to give to get in everything that's worthwhile. Forgiveness, love and help..... Making what ever right for whom ever...
I wish you the best
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