sugarbear1

You aren't alone in this situation. I start by not drinking on a daily basis so I don't repeat my past....

acceptance and forgiveness are imperative.....

tomsteve

DB, i am one who is responsible for someone dieing while i was drunk. i spent many,many years stuck in a bottle trying to change it, trying to figure out how to fix it, trying to forget it. it didnt work.
then i got sober many years later. i had a lot to work through on this one thing and the 12 steps helped me. i took accountability( accountability is about the past. responsiblity is about today) for my part. i made amends the best i could without causing harm to others. i gave it to my higher power and asked Him to forgive me.
it still pops up sometimes and can rattle my thinkin. it is up to me if i let it control me today. i dont want it to control me. it happened. i accept it. i was a very sick man then.i am putting in the footwork to get further away from the man i was.i have to give it to my HP and turn my attention to something useful.

hypochondriac

I have no knowledge to impart... just I think this is a stage you have to go through, like grief. There is always something you can do to make amends. It's not about making yourself feel better, it's about giving back.

One thing I will say is that if I met a random stranger and they had done something unforgivable in their past, I wouldn't think any less of them. It takes great courage and strength to face up to admitting things like this and I would always think highly of someone who had overcome troubles.

Y'know, someone killed my dad by running into him when he was cycling. I never, and neither did any of my family, hold any resentment towards the driver. These things don't happen in a vacuum and I don't know how much my dad was to blame too. Blaming anyone won't bring him back. All we can do is move forward.

I hope you find peace with this. All that matters is what you do today x

SamuraiPoodle

I've accepted my past the reason I'm here: To experience. I've hurt a lot of people and to be brutally honest damned near killed two (up close and personal). There's no way I could function without accepting with what I've done. Acceptance is not making peace with it though and just writing this response brings up a torrent of bad memories that scares the hell out of me. I don't have a solution for you. I can only offer camaraderie because I have been there too.

Boleo

You can always make an indirect amends. That is one where you use a substitute recipient or voluntarily suffer an arduous task.

Watch the movie "The Mission" and pay attention to how the character played by Robert DeNiro makes amends for killing man.

soberlicious

You are correct. You cannot unring the bell.

Unfortunately, no amount of self-inflicted pain and suffering on your part will change certain circumstances. If it could, it would have. It won't.

For me, all experiences must be used to find truth...to learn...to grow. Otherwise that experience is wasted. Honor those you have irreparably damaged by learning. Do not waste the lesson of all that pain. Tragedy can't be undone, but it can be transformed. Staying mired in guilt will keep you from finding a way to transform it.

Lastly, time can heal even some of the deepest wounds. Take heart. xo

Critica76

I too make myself suffer everyday for the pain I have caused when in the throws of drinking. I will keep watching this post to gain knowledge and help. Good luck DB and the rest of you. May I achieve peace soon!

paul99

There are some great replies so far.

I know for me, self-forgiveness didn't come easy. I don't have a time machine, so I can't "fix" or undue what has already been done. I am just grateful I didn't kill anyone during my active years. But I have certainly caused damage. I had to drop the idea that being "even" meant that for every thing I did there had to be an equal act done to me, or that caused me the kind of damage that I doled out. There are some things I cannot repair that way. I had to see that by helping others, living a way that is productive, positive and helpful, and adding to other people's lives rather than taking...these were the things that helped me heal. it's not selfish to self-forgive. It's not about absolving what you have done. It's about freeing yourself from the guilt and shame.

Staying stuck in the past and feeling the guilt is counter productive to what you could be doing more of - living the life you were meant to be living, being of service to others, and helping yourself to heal.

Be gentle on yourself.

TSDD

I've met quite a few folks who have killed people driving drunk. I don't think there's a silver bullet or quick fix to kill that guilt. I would say possibly faith in God though I fully understand that that's not for everybody and it's not something you can just rationalize yourself into believing or some do-gooder can convince you of, it seems to either just take you or it doesn't.

I promise you that you're not unique, you're not alone, and there's plenty of people that have done worse and are not drinking today and enjoying a reasonable ammount of happiness.

They say "time heals all wounds". In our case I believe SOBER TIME heals all wounds. If you feel you deserve to beat yourself up over your past, go ahead, it's your right. You can definitely stay sober in that condition and when you feel you've punished yourself enough you'll get on about your business.

Really the only thing you can do is live right today. You can't fix the past, but in the aggregate you can certainliy do more good in life than you've done wrong if you go out and do good today.

snoopy87

DB, you are not in that boat alone. I wrecked someone's marriage, another person's career, and that was on a good day. I live with these things but I have to ask myself, how am I going to live with them? Some days are better than others. Some days, self-forgiveness wins and I'm able to take my wretched decisions of the past and turn them into good ones by paying it forward. Other days, it eats at me. It's helpful to remind myself that I was really sick when these things happened and it's a good sign for me to just know now how foreign those actions are to my current moral compass. So many people NEVER change. All we can do is the next right thing and be there for others. I'm actually glad you brought this up. The ghosts of Christmas past started to creep into my mind and I was actually thinking about drinking. Now I'm not going to drink so thank you for keeping me sober today.

regeneration

DB, I think it is about self acceptance. I don't do prayer either, I do try mindfulness meditation around difficult feelings that I'm trying to accept, it's helping but it's better some days than others.

I can't make amends for the one thing that eats at me. Before my mother went into a hospice, when she was dying, she asked me to come and sit with her. A simple request from someone who knew she didn't have long. Instead of sitting with her I said I couldn't, and went and drunk red wine.

I always think of her trying to justify out loud why I couldn't sit with her, "Is it because you have to do some work?". No, it's because I have to get drunk as I can't deal with this.

The drink took me subtly, but it quietly destroyed my emotional life and the way I acted. Now it's about not doing that, I try to remind myself I'm doing the best I can now.

Good luck with gaining self-acceptance, live your life now and do work for others, I'm trying to, it helps at times.

snoopy87

DB, hope you check in soon. I know this is brutal.

DAB

If you can pay or have paid restitution, that's something you can do.
Maybe you can offer to help them in other ways where what you have done has made things more difficult for that person.
Maybe you can't do that because they have requested no contact from you.
If you have done all you can and there is really nothing else you can do, then yes, you have to move on.
By not doing so you are only continuing to maim yourself and those around you. If you can't move past this and continue to drink, the next time you get behind the wheel you might kill someone.

Windancer

You are worthy of forgiveness.

I have done horrendous things to loved ones while tanked. Horrible things. Things I would never ever normally do. I still struggle with that, but I am trying to accept it and move on. Easier said then done though, I know. Try not to dwell on it DB.

Hevyn

DoubleBarrel - I could have killed someone on several occasions. Yet I'm a kind and caring person who would never intentionally harm a soul. I never got behind the wheel and thought, "Well, I'm drunk, but here goes...hope I make it home & don't crash". I always thought I was in control and aware, even with a blood alcohol level of over .3.

I wish I had the comforting words that you need to hear. No one is saying to just get over it - but we also don't want you to spend the rest of your life torturing yourself with these thoughts. If you can't move forward, that makes it a double tragedy. I think you deserve so much credit for putting your feelings out there and having this discussion. I pray it will help you. Please keep talking to us.

DoubleBarrel

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Your comments really help.
I appreciate it more than I can say. Sincerely.
I was in a bad way last couple days.

Again, thanks.

DoubleBarrel

Hevyn, I googled and am reading about Father Boyle. Its quite appropriate at the moment.

Sally1009

A final word DB - the very fact you feel so bad shows you have a heart, and are a good man. If you weren't a good man, you wouldn't feel such remorse, such guilt. Some people do bad things with no conscience, no regret, and don't feel bad. You are not one of those.

NatalieN

DB I once met a guy who killed a teenager while driving drunk. He had 12 years of sobriety when I met him and had spent some time in jail. Since you aren't the religious type, you may benefit from watching American neuroscientist Sam Harris on YouTube. His message is not only scientifically proven but it gives hope. He believes free will is an illusion and I am begining to sense he is right. Search YouTube for his talk on free will. You won't regret it.

Best wishes,

Natalie

Windancer

Thanks for that, Sally. Your post made ME feel better